Is there such thing as being too young to go into a care home?

[grcxo]

* Trigger warning ⚠️ *

I’m not too sure what i’m hoping to gain from this post other than to get it all off of my mind.

My mum is really poorly, she suffers with multiple illnesses ranging from crohns, ibd, ibs, anemia, depression, she’s an alcoholic, has reacurring impetigo.
She’s only 52, but walks as though she’s 80, she can barely stand up, can’t make it to the toilet in time, she can’t hear anything, she refuses any help at all. She’s also suicidal

My nan hates my dad and blames my dad for it all, when he’s doing everything in his power to help. but she just won’t accept the help from anyone. My nan doesn’t know half of what’s going on, nor does she listen.

I love my mum to bits but this is all getting too much, no one can do anything as long as she refuses it.

She hasn’t showered in ages, refuses to look after herself.

My dad can’t take care of her 7 days a week, even at home carers wouldn’t be enough. i know what she’s like, she’ll say she’s eaten when she hasn’t. It turns out she hasn’t eaten in the last 10 days, she’s refusing to have anything and it’s not at all phasing her. I don’t know what to do and I really don’t think she’s going to be sticking around much longer.

My last resort is putting her into a care home. she’s just so young. But for her, I feel like this is the only remaining option. It really isn’t something I want to do, and like I said it’s a last resort...Can she refuses to go into one?

I’ve made a mistake of looking up ‘the last stages’, and it all looks a little too relevant.
I feel like she’s just given up...

This sounds really tough for you and your dad. Must be awful watching her self-destruct. I don’t think a care home is the answer but hopefully more knowledgable people will come along with answers. Is she under medical supervision and has she sought help for her alcoholism.

I worked in a nursing home and we had several residents in their 50s - all of whom had chronic conditions, and made the decision to ease the burden on their families.

The issue I think you may have is consent, and the fact she's an alcoholic.

It sounds like you all need more support......... can you contact Al-Anon and your local SS adult helpdesk? I'm sorry you're all going through this

First step is to ring adult social services and get a carers assessment for you and your dad and if your mum is willing she needs an assessment of needs aswell. They may refer you back to her GP as capacity needs to be assessed.

If she has capacity then no, it's her decision. If not then decisions can be made in her best interests by all involved through the right channels.

Pp is right, a care home doesn't sound like the right environment but yes there are lots of younger people in them, particularly those as a consequence of the cognitive affects of long term alcohol abuse.

Age isn't a criteria for care or nursing homes, its down to illness/disability. I think you would find it hard to get a funded place in a care home for her though. Contact adult Social Services as a first port of call and go from there.

Yes she can refuse to go into a care home.

It's also incredibly expensive and she would have to pay for it herself.

So where would your dad live if the house is sold to pay her care? How would he afford to live if all the money is spent on her care? He couldn't claim benefits because they'd say you mum's care home is an unnecessary expense (because medics didn't decide on it). You can't just spend all your own money on something then claim benefits.

My MIL is in one and her entire pension of £2k/month goes on it.

The problem you've got is that your mum is alcoholic. She needs alcohol services, but if she's happy to be an alcoholic she's not going to engage with those services.

She definitely wouldn't be allowed to be an alcoholic in a care home. She'd still be an alcoholic mentally and want to go drinking any chance she could, but they wouldn't allow it, so if she did that she'd end up being asked to leave I reckon. Or medics would deem her unfit to make her own decisions and she'd not be allowed to go out unaccompanied, to prevent her drinking.

You can only put someone in a care home against their will if they're deemed by medics to be unable to make their own decisions.

Being an alcoholic doesn't generally count, it is not illegal and people have the right to make their own choices, even if they choose stupid things like alcoholism.

What you can do is refuse to be her carer because it's too much for you. Your dad can do the same. Then your mum might get offered more help from the GP or someone. But ultimately if your mum refuses the help there's nothing much you can do. She won't be able to fix her other problems until she stops drinking. Alcohol is bad for your brain and your digestive system, and all of your body really.

Just an update following my OP,
thank you everyone! I really weren’t sure on where to go from here. i’m clueless. so your advice has really all helped.

my dad is phoning the hospital today, my mum is now incapable of standing at all, she has urinated herself twice already, she is hallucinating and massively declined from yesterday. I feel so broken at the moment.

She needs a GP visit and possible referral to psychiatric department.
I’d also be getting a Social Services assessment.

I'm so sorry you are going through this.

As others have said, if your mum has capacity then no one can force her to do anything. If your mum hasn't got capacity, then Adult Social Care need to be involved (assuming there's no LPA in place and no money to fund a care home placement). A care home also isn't necessarily the right environment for her.

Please contact Social Care and also your local Carers organisation for support.

I'm sorry op, it sounds so difficult. You must be so worried

I worked in a care home and we had a unit for young people, the youngest resident was 29.......so there are places out there.

your dad must look after himself op
as must you
how does your mum get her drink?

If your mum is like that , and declining, an ambulance should be phoned , it sounds like she needs to get to hospital.

So heart breaking for you and your dad, and your nana in a different way. I can only imagine what sorrow you must feel. I think the ss would be a good place to start. I hope you and your dad can be a comfort to each other. Caring for someone in this way is a great act of love, you and your dad are doing an amazing thing. Some problems are too big to fix aren't they and that's so cruel, I truly hope you find some support though I can't advise you better I wanted to send recognition and care to you.

There are care homes for all ages. I've only ever worked in care homes with a CQC registration for 18-65 and generally the homes tried to keep take in residents of the same age group. So 20s to 40s rather than having one 18 year old in with a bunch of 60 year olds.

There are elderly care homes which will take in younger residents. I really don't think thats at all fair on the younger residents, it can be a really depressing environment for them and they might be thinking, "is this the next 30 years of my life?".

There are lots of options when it comes to care and younger people. Even within supported accomodation/housing, there's a wide variety - some with full time staff, others with carers going in just twice a day.

A social worker's assessment is the first step. If she's admitted, the hospital ward might be able to help arrange that prior to discharge.

And I know it's worrying, but this rapid deterioration, loss of continence, weakness, delirium etc could well be something as simple as a uti or kidney infection that's easily and quickly treated. If your Dad has no luck with the hospital, try your GP (some are doing home visits still) or NHS111.

So where would your dad live if the house is sold to pay her care? How would he afford to live if all the money is spent on her care? He couldn't claim benefits because they'd say you mum's care home is an unnecessary expense (because medics didn't decide on it). You can't just spend all your own money on something then claim benefits

If she is found to be in need of a care home after an Adult Services assessment she would not be required to sell the home that her DH lives in!

I'm so sorry to read about your mum.

People go into nursing homes because they need care, their age is irrelevant. However nobody can force your mother into a home, she can choose for herself.

You say she is too much for your dad but would he want her to go into a home?

It might be better for her to address her illnesses and take more care of herself; giving up the booze would be a good start, apart from any other health damage it plays havoc on the bowels.

She is obviously very depressed. It might be a good idea for your dad to speak to her GP and find out if any help is available for her at home.

@EdgeOfTheSky

So where would your dad live if the house is sold to pay her care? How would he afford to live if all the money is spent on her care? He couldn't claim benefits because they'd say you mum's care home is an unnecessary expense (because medics didn't decide on it). You can't just spend all your own money on something then claim benefits

If she is found to be in need of a care home after an Adult Services assessment she would not be required to sell the home that her DH lives in!

Fluffy was following on from hello’s comment that it’d be hard to get a funded place. In which case, yes, she would need to pay for herself which might require selling the house

OP, I understand your position all too well, and I feel for you. The point at which things change is when she no longer has the mobility to go and buy her own booze, and that's where it looks like she is now - though it also depends on everyone around her, including your dad, not enabling her drinking. Good luck. It's a hard road.

@Plumtree391

I'm so sorry to read about your mum.

People go into nursing homes because they need care, their age is irrelevant. However nobody can force your mother into a home, she can choose for herself.

You say she is too much for your dad but would he want her to go into a home?

It might be better for her to address her illnesses and take more care of herself; giving up the booze would be a good start, apart from any other health damage it plays havoc on the bowels.

She is obviously very depressed. It might be a good idea for your dad to speak to her GP and find out if any help is available for her at home.

Giving up the booze and 'taking care of herself' and is not helpful advice for the family of a late stage alcoholic who doesn't want to change, is hallucinating and incontinent.

Resources are so stretched, OP, nothing much is likely to happen until you push with your GP, push with social services. However, you'll also need support from one or both of your parents to get anything beyond the basics, and it seems like that is unlikely given the depth of issues and likely codependence. Is your father ready to step up and say that he can no longer care for her and she will become homeless? Or is she in any mental state to consider entering any kind of treatment?

It's not necessarily true that she couldn't be forced into a home. Many of my service users are former addicts with secondary conditions (Korsakoffs, long term drug induced Psychosis from one bad trip etc).
If they've been detained on certain section of the Mental Health Act and then put one 117 aftercare, it's sometimes the case that they aren't allowed to live independently and will need care for the rest of their lives. Some of my service users have accidentally burned down their houses or lost custody of their kids through posing harm to themselves and others consistently (leaving a gas stove on all night when drunk). And cases don't have to be that extreme to warrant 117 aftercare. This all before we get into the Mental Capacity Act and DoLs.

@EdgeOfTheSky

So where would your dad live if the house is sold to pay her care? How would he afford to live if all the money is spent on her care? He couldn't claim benefits because they'd say you mum's care home is an unnecessary expense (because medics didn't decide on it). You can't just spend all your own money on something then claim benefits

If she is found to be in need of a care home after an Adult Services assessment she would not be required to sell the home that her DH lives in!

At the point i posted that the OP wasn't talking about someone needing assessment by SS but someone whose family wanted to voluntarily put her in a home

OP please ensure that the hospital is told she's an alcoholic and how much she drinks. It will be dangerous for her to suddenly stop drinking and she will need to be medicated through the withdrawal.

Hope you're coping OK

Can dad move in with you and carers deal with DM. Then when they can't care - which they probaby can't she might be offered something else. I can't see her being offered anything if your Df is there.
Are there a mental health nurse service in teh area. My DB had one who visited and supported (but then it was almost done away with due to cuts) but it was someone you could phone in an emergency. And as they came to the home they knew what the issues were.