Is there such thing as being too young to go into a care home?

[grcxo]

* Trigger warning ⚠️ *

I’m not too sure what i’m hoping to gain from this post other than to get it all off of my mind.

My mum is really poorly, she suffers with multiple illnesses ranging from crohns, ibd, ibs, anemia, depression, she’s an alcoholic, has reacurring impetigo.
She’s only 52, but walks as though she’s 80, she can barely stand up, can’t make it to the toilet in time, she can’t hear anything, she refuses any help at all. She’s also suicidal

My nan hates my dad and blames my dad for it all, when he’s doing everything in his power to help. but she just won’t accept the help from anyone. My nan doesn’t know half of what’s going on, nor does she listen.

I love my mum to bits but this is all getting too much, no one can do anything as long as she refuses it.

She hasn’t showered in ages, refuses to look after herself.

My dad can’t take care of her 7 days a week, even at home carers wouldn’t be enough. i know what she’s like, she’ll say she’s eaten when she hasn’t. It turns out she hasn’t eaten in the last 10 days, she’s refusing to have anything and it’s not at all phasing her. I don’t know what to do and I really don’t think she’s going to be sticking around much longer.

My last resort is putting her into a care home. she’s just so young. But for her, I feel like this is the only remaining option. It really isn’t something I want to do, and like I said it’s a last resort...Can she refuses to go into one?

I’ve made a mistake of looking up ‘the last stages’, and it all looks a little too relevant.
I feel like she’s just given up...

If your Mum does need to go into a nursing home, there will be a financial assessment. If your parents are married, their entire joint assets will be assessed,EXCEPT the house they live in. Your Dad will not see his home sold to pay for her care. The house won't even be considered in their assets. Their savings will be, even accounts only in his name, and 50% of all assets, apart from their home, will be used towards your Mum's care.

My advice, call an ambulance. Get her into hospital and have social services and the hospitals discharge team to find nursing care for your Mum. Once she's under medical care they will respect her wishes, but if she's not conscious they will give her fluid and take care of her needs.

Good luck.

There is no such thing as too young and there are a small number of care homes that cater for alcoholism. Google can help they're known as "Wet care homes"

However other/most Care homes have experience with alcoholics but vary greatly in their approach toward it.

I've worked in non 'wet' Care homes where there were alcoholics, it's quite a common situation, you're not going to be the first.

This can't carry on. she isn't being looked after properly is she. She needs to be clean, monitored, fed else she is being neglected, any medication needs to be taken regularly and adapted if needed.
It's a hell of a lot to do.

You may find that she improves when her care is being provided by carers she has no history with, they will also be able to manage any 'challenging' behaviour without the hurt/frustration/guilt that you're all feeling.
Your mum is angry/depressed/suicidal and having to need all this care from friends/family is degrading for a lot of people especially if they can tell it's causing stress, a care home would remove that element for her.

It really sounds like she should be in a residential setting. It's the right thing to do for her.

thank you all for your kind words she’s been taken into hospital now and placed on iv fluids, she’s very disoriented and confused. she’s had lots of blood tests with a few things flagged up as a concern and she’s also had a brain scan. we’re awaiting results for that. she’s staying in over night, maybe longer but the hospital will confirm. we’re going to see how things go then once she’s discharged contact social services for further advice and take things from there x

She is in the best place, you and dad will need to speak with the doctors about her condition and future treatment plan. You dad can say he just cannot look after her anymore, dont wait until she is discharged, the hospital team and social worker can get involved while she is in hospital.

can you refuse to have her back op?

Don't let her be discharged tell them you can't cope you won't have her home and get social worker input whilst she is there. it's so much easier to get things in place whilst she is an inpatient. They may be able to offer you respite and other things

Thank you for updating, OP, and I'm relieved to hear that your mum is getting some care.

Please be very firm with the hospital about not just releasing her back into your dad's care as soon as she's stable. They will want their bed back as soon as they can, but there needs to be a care plan in place first.

You can get the hospital based Social Work team to see her while she is in hospital because they can start the ball rolling for assessments and placent etc. It is easier to do it now while she is in hospital than wait for her to be discharged. Tell the Nurse looking after your mum that you want a social services referral completed ASAP because of your mum's personal care issues and the fact your dad is struggling. The hospital team can then ensure that her discharge is "safe" when she is medically fit and they will liase with community social work team.

She is in the best place now.

How are you and your Dad?

Absolutely get adult social care involved before discharge - they may have a discharge coordinator or someone on the ward who can do this.

How is your mum? Has she been seen yet? What are they saying about capacity as it all hinges on that really.

Just reiterating what others have said. You should involve social service BEFORE discharge from hospital otherwise they will presume family will continue to provide all care.

@Hellocatshome

Age isn't a criteria for care or nursing homes, its down to illness/disability. I think you would find it hard to get a funded place in a care home for her though. Contact adult Social Services as a first port of call and go from there.

This My lovely mum has been ina nursing home since her 50s as she is severely disabled. I am still sad that she is there now she is only early 60s but her quality of life is so much better there as they deal with everything medical and she very rarely has to go into hospital now

Is your dad onside? My concern is that if you're not with him, they'll pressure him for discharge and she'll be wanting to come home, and years of guilt and dependence will take over and then you'll be back to square one.

He needs to be really aligned that he will not have her back without a care plan.

Hope your mum's had an OK night op, is she on parbinex to help detox while in? Hopefully the ward will refer to alcohol liaison as they will be a good support. Who is buying her the alcohol at home, is it your dad and she is abusive if he doesn't as that's another factor re home issues that he/you need to bring up about discharge.

You need to be absolutely clear that she cannot come home if she is discharged and ask for an assessment to be done to consider her care needs.

they put her on the fluid antibiotics today( i thought was yesterday but i was mistaken) she seems worse today however we’re hopeful she’ll make an improvement tomorrow. we have been told there’s an infection somewhere in the body.

we’re awaiting to see if there is an improvement in her health from the antibiotics. if not then will demand as assessment in the hospital prior to discharge as we have no one to care for her.

my dad is lives with her and my younger sister.

she has been put on medication for withdrawal however she keeps begging the staff for wine.

they’ve now moved her into a separate room as she kept wondering into other wards and getting lost.

You certsinly can't decide to put your mum in a care home at the age of 52. Who is going to fund this for a start. I agree that the first step is for your Dad to discuss his concerns with her GP. And with funds being tight its unlikely very much help will be given. But her care needs will have to be assessed as a first step.

They wont be able to assess her while she is so unwell but you can ask for her to be assessed once she is more settled. You can tell them now that your dad is unable to care for her at home, he can have a carers assessment. As she is confused and wandering have the ward applied a DOLS in case she tries to leave.

@grcxo

So sorry your mum is unwell and struggling like this. Glad she's getting support and assessments in hospital.

She is alcohol dependent, soiling herself and threatening suicide.

Will there be a mental health assessment ?

I had a relative that was reluctant to go to psychiatric hospital despite being very unwell. They were assessed by the relevant professionals and agreed to go to hospital this meant sectioning was not required.

I understand that a patient sectioned under the Mental Health act does not pay for their residential care.

she has been put on medication for withdrawal however she keeps begging the staff for wine

Because addiction is mental not just physical. Otherwise nobody would ever go back to it after rehab, when they've been physically clear of alcohol for days/weeks/months. Your mum is an alcoholic, any improvement will be temporary because she'll go back to the alcohol upon leaving hospital, unless she's living somewhere where she's prevented from doing so. She doesn't sound like she's going to accept help from alcohol services and try to stop drinking, but I guess there's still a chance she might change her mind. Even if she does accept help though there's still a chance of relapse.

a UTI causes all sorts of problems op, if that is what it is. perhaps that and something else.
so sorry for your situation