DP expecting to live with me for care when we don't get on

[Jjjjjjjjjjjjj84]

My parents are approaching 80 now.
I left home at 21 because I was desperate to get away from my dad. He is a typical narcissistic person. He dominates the family, my mum is an enabler. When I lived at home we argued constantly as I wouldn't stand for it.

Nearly 20 years has passed. I always keep my dad at arms length. Never tell him anything. I only see him at all so I can see my mum otherwise it would be no contact. He is very stressful to be around and causes me huge anxiety.

He has never done anything for his family members or anyone else. He is very selfish. But he has mentioned to me multiple times that he expects to live with me if he requires care, no way going in to residential care , absolutely refuses to pay for it. I hope this doesn't have to happen but if it did my life would be absolute hell. Obviously I can and will say no, but he's told me that I would be written out of the will!! Wtf! Fine by me!!
Any advice on how to tackle this? He doesn't require any care right now, if it was my mum no problem! I just sit in silence when he mentions it. Do I say something now so knows this isn't an option or just hope it will never happen.
I have health and mobility problems myself

Does he think he be like A- some old 1890s film where he’s lord of manor with bell or banging stick on the floor and you come running at slightest thing. When the food is cold orLate or Not up to standard he can shout scream tell you how useless you are? Remind you about being cut out will at slightest thing and find out he’s left it all to batasea dogs home.

Or B- does he think he be happy in your spare room and wait patiently for you have time to bring him cup of tea and consider himself very lucky?

All theoretical as you aren’t getting that far. But can bet your bottom dollar he’s not thinking situation B

whenever he tells you you're going to care for him, just tell him straight away "No, I will not to that, so you need to make other arrangements".

Op, in the nicest way possible, he's not stressing you out, you're doing that to yourself because in your head you actually believe that he has the power to control you.

You don't owe him taking care of him, and you don't owe him justifying why you won't. You know he will not listen to you or your mom, so this conversations will just cause you more stress.

You owe it to yourself to take care of yourself!

When he mentions that again, smile to yourself thinking about what a surprise it'll be to him, many years from now (and IF he actually outsurvives your mom), when he discovers that you actually won't!

@Skippingabeat

Op, in the nicest way possible, he's not stressing you out, you're doing that to yourself because in your head you actually believe that he has the power to control you.

You don't owe him taking care of him, and you don't owe him justifying why you won't. You know he will not listen to you or your mom, so this conversations will just cause you more stress.

You owe it to yourself to take care of yourself!

When he mentions that again, smile to yourself thinking about what a surprise it'll be to him, many years from now (and IF he actually outsurvives your mom), when he discovers that you actually won't!

This^^^

One of three scenarios will happen:

1. Your dad dies before your mum. If you want to care for her, you can.

2. Your mother dies before your dad. You go no contact. Sorted.

3. Both of your parents get more frail and you find yourself getting sucked in to care for him as a way to relieve the burden on her. Be very clear ahead of time what you will & won't do and have a strategy to ready to deploy to maintain your boundaries.

Decide what your boundaries are.

Defend them.

Say no to anything you don't want to do. I do a nice line in "lol, no" when someone pushes up against my boundaries. If they are smart, you only need say it once

You don't need to say anything
Not now

You can just say, we'll see dad and will support you as best we can

Reality is that dad may die before mum. It's 50/50

Or that dad may lack capacity to decide if he develops memory loss.

But, you don't need to care for him at your home. Don't start an argument with a difficult man when he may never need your help. If he dies later in, then you can be unavailable

Does not dies! Ouch that was an auto correct!

Don’t put yourself through the stress of arguments and nastiness by saying anything now. It’s something that won’t arise until your mum has died, and you can just cut contact. Social workers will accept you saying “I’m not in a position to offer any help”. Likelihood is that he’ll die first.

Meanwhile either ignore the comments by saying neutral things like “too soon to be worrying about that” “no need to worry about that, most people never need care”. Learn a phrase that you can use, so you can trot it out automatically without thinking about it, and without it stirring emotions in you.

My "D"M is very much like your DF.

If you've not spoken to your DM, please don't. If I've realised one thing with my M it's that she will never consider anyone else or their feelings.

I decided many years ago that DM was never moving in with us.

She is getting older now and I'm finding I do more care but I also put my foot down and say when things can be bought in.

One thing I've don't fir the last 20 years or so is just walk away or end the call if she's misbehaving. Bit like training a toddler. It took a long while but it's finally dawned on her that if she starts being aggressive, rude or belittling I get my coat and leave. Doesn't matter what reason I was there for I just leave.

As others have said, there's a high chance he'll go before your DM then you can go NC.

If the worst happens and he's admitted to hospital and tells them all that he's coming to live with you, you just tell the Discharge Team and his SW that it's not happening.

Try not to let him torment you like this, easier said than done though I know

@Jjjjjjjjjjjjj84

Yes this is in regards to if my mum died and he was alone. She does EVERYTHING. he has never washed dishes, shopped, used the washing machine, cleaned, hoovered, change beds etc. He would live in a hovel. He has said about me doing it. I've already told him no way, he would have to have a cleaner etc. He is so so mean with money and does not want to spend on those things. Wants me to do everything. I'm an only child. I'm going to speak to mum later and ask her to speak to him and try and make him look at it from my point of view. I would never expect my kids to give up their lives to care for me, never! But like I say, my mum is so lovely and caring. I would willingly do anything for her, with love and care and I would want to do it. Because she's been a lovely mum me. But he hasn't been a lovely dad!! He's made my life hell sometimes!

But she hasn't been a lovely mum though She had enabled your dad to bully and harass you into leaving home I think some therapy might help you Neither of your parents sound very nice

Firstly has your Dad got a will and do you have a copy. He might not even have done one.. lots of old people unless they are very savvy and with lots to leave don’t have one. Or they have some hand written nonsense that hasn’t been properly witnessed.

Wait until the time comes. Then decide what is going to happen.

As PPs have said, "hmm" or "mm hmm" your way through all of this.

Should the time come that any elderly person needs care, it is not in their interest to receive amateur part time care from someone who doesn't want to do it and dislikes them.

That's the sort of fraught situation that can lead to neglect or abuse of the elderly (I'm not saying you would of course, just that it's not a position it's a good idea to be in).

So should the need for care arise, it would be in your Dad's interest as well as yours for you to do only what you can do willingly and reliably.

Lastly, it really might never happen. I worried about what might happen particularly with my Mum. But in the event both parents died without much in-home care. I do hope the same will be true for the 4 oldies who I have POA for - if not, I'll deal with it when it comes to it. Don't steal joy from the present to pay off a debt that may never occur in the future.

My dad sounds like yours

I decided years ago that I didn’t care for any of his cash and nothing he could leave me would ever compensate for having his malevolent nature in my life. Nothing can beat the freedom of being with people that you want to be..... your freedom is precious OP! Stand your ground!

I am Boundaried to fuck.

I’ve never even spent Xmas with him as an adult, have just ignored any obligations and go my own sweet way.

Do that.

And if you can’t do that then smile and nkd and carry on regardless

While I'm not afraid of confrontation when it's needed, I agree with those here who advise being noncommittal, and just saying something along the lines of "we can talk about that when the time comes". Don't waste your time or emotional energy in an argument that will feed him and drain you. But privately resolve to stick to your guns, should the occasion ever arise.

First of all remember that you owe this tyrant NOTHING.
Then be aware that life is short, you have your own family and your own physical and mental well-being to prioritise. You would ruin your life and your family’s lives if you had him contaminating your home.
Forget about his will. He would most likely leave everything away from you anyway or hold it over you repeatedly to manipulate and control you.