DP expecting to live with me for care when we don't get on

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My parents are approaching 80 now.
I left home at 21 because I was desperate to get away from my dad. He is a typical narcissistic person. He dominates the family, my mum is an enabler. When I lived at home we argued constantly as I wouldn't stand for it.

Nearly 20 years has passed. I always keep my dad at arms length. Never tell him anything. I only see him at all so I can see my mum otherwise it would be no contact. He is very stressful to be around and causes me huge anxiety.

He has never done anything for his family members or anyone else. He is very selfish. But he has mentioned to me multiple times that he expects to live with me if he requires care, no way going in to residential care , absolutely refuses to pay for it. I hope this doesn't have to happen but if it did my life would be absolute hell. Obviously I can and will say no, but he's told me that I would be written out of the will!! Wtf! Fine by me!!
Any advice on how to tackle this? He doesn't require any care right now, if it was my mum no problem! I just sit in silence when he mentions it. Do I say something now so knows this isn't an option or just hope it will never happen.
I have health and mobility problems myself

Sounds awful for you OP. Nobody should be forced into a situation like this. Next time he mentions it I would say that it wouldn't work for you and isn't an option. Repeat if he mentions it again. Lots of people have to pay for their care, it's a fact of life. He is very entitled thinking you will provide it all for free!

It’s just a vague thing at the moment from the sounds of it. So best just to ignore it. Otherwise you’ll end up having huge arguments about a situation that might never arise in practice.

It’s a good idea to be clear in your own mind about what you’d be willing to do, should it be necessary.

There is just no way I could have him living me, whether required actual care from me or not. He would dominate my life!!
I wouldn't mind if he had helped others in his life but he is so selfish. His own mother is still alive, she's nearly 100. He does nothing for her at all!! He had me later in life so I'm only early 30s. I cannot have this when I'm in my 40s, menopause probably happening and I will have teenage children.

It may not even happen but its causing me stress. This is what my life is like with him. Me constantly worrying about things!

I agree that you need to put your foot down on this one. There's a similar situation in the family of a friend of mine, and he has made his dc's lives hell for decades. Do you have siblings?

Don't say anything about it, it may not happen & will cause stress for everyone, mostly your mum. But, if it does eventually get to the situation where it becomes a reality, stand your ground. You aren't obliged to care for him.

You could always say you’re happy to talk about arrangements when the time comes but it’s not necessary to talk about them now. Maybe say there would be a lot to organise so it would be better to have those conversations when the situation arises.

That way you can keep him thinking the conversation is open when in reality you have made your decision, you’re just not going to tell him right now.

Try not to worry about it. You aren't going to care for him, no-one can make you!

"Haha dad, live with me? Like you have your mum living with you to take care of her? Dream on!"

You need to decide NOW where your boundaries will be. Will you be taking him/them to the doctors, hospital, chiropodist, optician, dentist, hairdresser... doing their shopping, dealing with medication... etc etc etc. How much time will you be willing to give in the future, because I can assure you, from experience, that the issues will not start with care at home.

Sorry OP- it must be difficult.
He can spend the money he saves by leaving you out of the will, on care for himself. Win win OP

@MrsBumm

"Haha dad, live with me? Like you have your mum living with you to take care of her? Dream on!"

This!

Try not to let it stress you. He thinks he can use his will as a hold over you but you don’t care. That’s it. You’ve made your decision.

@BeyondMyWits

You need to decide NOW where your boundaries will be. Will you be taking him/them to the doctors, hospital, chiropodist, optician, dentist, hairdresser... doing their shopping, dealing with medication... etc etc etc. How much time will you be willing to give in the future, because I can assure you, from experience, that the issues will not start with care at home.

This is a good point.

Op, I could have written your post word for word, except that I've moved further on in that I've totally cut contact with him.

I was never allowed to disagree with him - mum would always say 'don't go upsetting your dad' or 'your dad's always right you know'! He was a total bully. He made mum cry. He drove me into the floor telling me my life was a pity and a shame. That I was useless and stupid, and that if only I'd done ABC I would have Achieved XYZ.

So, he says that HE is going to live with you. What about your mum then? Or is this if he ends up alone? I secretly thought for years that like you, I'd have mum live with me in a heartbeat, but not him, never him.
You really need to do what PPS have suggested and say 'that's not possible' EVERY TIME, then change the subject, walk away, whatever.

I've paid the price by not being able to see my mum anymore. I can't walk into the house as they have large locked gates that I can't climb over. If I tried to phone mum and he answered he just put the phone down on me, so I've given up trying.

I'm a few years down the line now and honestly, even though I miss my mum badly it was still the best decision for me. No more guilt tripping, I've picked my self esteem up off the floor and am now successful in my career. I am living my life. Not his.

Make a decision in your mind to be ruthless for the sake of your own life, family and well being - to mirror his own behaviour. 'No' is a complete sentence, let him sort himself out - oh and stuff his money. I had the same thing said to me -that I would be cut out of the will if I didn't do as he said. Well whoopee, I didn't do what he said and the sky didn't fall on my head. . The first time you say NO is the hardest, but then gets easier.

We are trained from birth to obey the patriarchy - It's time to rebel methinks. Stand firm.

Yes this is in regards to if my mum died and he was alone. She does EVERYTHING. he has never washed dishes, shopped, used the washing machine, cleaned, hoovered, change beds etc. He would live in a hovel. He has said about me doing it. I've already told him no way, he would have to have a cleaner etc. He is so so mean with money and does not want to spend on those things. Wants me to do everything. I'm an only child.
I'm going to speak to mum later and ask her to speak to him and try and make him look at it from my point of view. I would never expect my kids to give up their lives to care for me, never!
But like I say, my mum is so lovely and caring. I would willingly do anything for her, with love and care and I would want to do it. Because she's been a lovely mum me.
But he hasn't been a lovely dad!! He's made my life hell sometimes!

I'd remain non committal. If he's 80 now and in reasonable health it might not even happen.
Just be clear about what you are willing to do. Lots of helpful advice on this forum if things change!

Just. Say. No. And mean it.

Just make nothing. No point in having the arguments unless the situation actually arises. Just ignore his comments and change the subject.

He’s probably only saying it to wind you up. Do some work on yourself and in the meantime just make noncommittal noises. Light grey rock.
He puts you down to big himself up, less ammunition, less lift.
The chances are he’ll go before your mum, he might be panicking about what a nice time she’ll have without him!

That future where he's alone and needs looking after may never happen so I wouldn't be drawn into an argument about it. It's a discussion for another day, not now. No-one knows what the future will bring, you could break your neck falling down the stairs and go first. There's no point having a fight now about something that might never happen. Find yourself a phrase you are happy with and trot it out every time he starts up about it. "oh, not this again. I've told you, we'll cross that bridge if we come to it" and change the subject.

If he knows it winds you up and gets a kick out of doing it then boredom rather than anxiety is your strategy.

My DP was on his way back from taking his parents to a relatives funeral and his mum in the back said what a shame it was they didn't have kids because it was a child's duty to look after their parents, taking them in if necessary - that's why they had 3 kids - and she said they knew they could rely on DP being the eldest
He nearly stopped the car!
And said he bloody well wouldn't they could think again! She'd always put her husband first - never the kids so he wouldn't dream of ever living with them again! And that's the end of it!
It was a very quiet journey home
I nearly kissed him when he got back!
His mum has died now and his dad expects to everybody else do things for him - he never learnt to drive and won't spend money on cabs - I won't have him in the house again after one unforgettable Christmas when he came to stay and started being absolutely vile to me Christmas night when DP was out of the room
Fortunately he lives 2 hours drive away - their choice to move away years ago
Middle son now has to help him - we did our bit when they lived near us
And middle son has "borrowed" neatly 30K from him, so he says he has paid for him to take him shopping every week etc
Hateful man
Just tell him straight so that there is no expectation and no emotional blackmail

Sounds like something you say to exercise control and fear Over someone. Just be grey rock don’t rise to it. Worse comes worse he ends up in hospital then there’s conversation with discharge team. He says he’s living with you. You put everyone straight.

Sorry op, been out all day - just got back.

He is so so mean with money and does not want to spend on those things. Wants me to do everything. I'm an only child

So he thinks that by holding the money/will issue you over you, that you are as mean as him, and will do what he says in order to not be cut out of his will.
As I said before. Stuff that.
If he moved in with you he would not contribute a penny towards his costs and basically he would put you in your mothers place . Think about this very hard because that would be horrific.

But he hasn't been a lovely dad!! He's made my life hell sometimes

Lovey, it took me until I was in my mid 50's before I plucked up the courage to walk, move house, send a letter to him and go NC.

50+ plus years of feeling shame, and pitied, guilty, sick with fear, fat, stupid, a failure and anything else he cared to load on me - can you imagine that.?

I took him out of my life and now I'm none of those things - 'xcept maybe a tad too much chocolate style fat - but who cares!

You have said you have health and mobility problems - AND Teenagers!!! which you need to focus on - not the miserly whinings of someone who made your life hell - and will do so again if you allow him so much as a toe over the threshold.

Don't be like me. He . won't . change. EVER! Get those barriers up now. Harden your emotions against him and save them for those that deserve them .
He will still have a choice. He can either pay out for care like most others are facing having to do, or he can sit and wallow in the misery pit of his own making.

Stand firm. Take the life YOU WANT. Be that girl that walked out and left home.....AND REMEMBER WHY..... It's waiting for you.

Simple choice to make
Inheritance or sanity??
End of worry.

I'm going to speak to mum later and ask her to speak to him and try and make him look at it from my point of view

Don't do this ! He sounds horrible - it's never going to happen that he'll "see things from your point of view".

Just ignore the subject - if he says something, just trot out a rehearsed comment like " we'll talk about that when the time comes" . And then go make a cup of tea and ignore him.

Why are you stressing about something that won't happen? You are not going to care for him in any way, shape of form. What he thinks is irrelevant. Supposing your mother died first, you then just leave him be. Don't be at his beck and call to shop/clean/bring him to appointments, don't be a contact point for medical staff etc. Just step right back. There is no need to speak to your mother about it as it's a non event. Let him carry on thinking you'll do it all. If and when the time comes you won't be seen for dust and he can figure it all out for himself.