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Elderly parents

I have had enough !

30 replies

loulou4343 · 05/09/2021 01:09

Super quick snapshot and PLEASE ANY ADVICE !
My mother is 84. She had a new knee about 4 yrs ago and her gall bladder removed, has cataracts but apart from that she is sort of ok.
However she is driving everyone to distraction with her “ ailments “ they all check out to be nothing simply “old age “
Today I got up at the crack of dawn to drive the 80mins drive to take her to her hospital appointment as she was going for an ultrasound as she has had a bout of cystitis and the doctor wanted to see nothing was amiss. My brother who lives 5 mins from both my mum and the hospital could of taken her but she refused and only wanted me. The scan showed nothing. She must of literally had every scan the nhs does and nothing ever comes back. She takes no medication except beta blockers and paracetamol. She lives alone. My dad died 13 yrs ago and he did everything for her. She has over the years rejected any thing that would make her mobile so she can’t drive/ ride a bike/ never swam a length of a pool ZILCH. Since COVID hit she has sat in her chair and watched television 24/7. Her very good friend died just before COVID of a heart attack and I think she actually missed his company far more than when my dad died. She’s stopped cooking and either eats the batch meals I cook and freeze for her or ready meals from Tesco. She always cooked from scratch. In a word she has given up.
I visit once a week as I work 3 days and the trips totally and utterly drain the life blood from me as all she talks about is illness. Last time I went last week I literally hyperventilated in the car on my way home it was so stressful. Like the OP in an earlier tread she just wants “ looking after “ so meals put in front of her which really irks. I bought her all new kitchen appliances earlier this year but she doesn’t “ trust “ them so just microwaves everything. I can’t do this much more as the trips are getting worse but she refused to move 5 yrs ago to be nearer to me so I could manage helping her so it falls to me to drive up weekly. My brother literally drops off a bit of food shopping and then leaves where I stay and chat. I know she wants more company but she won’t entertain going out to a day centre. She won’t have WiFi so I can’t FaceTime her or do any internet banking for her she literally just sits in the chair and everyone has to rally around her. I love her as she’s my mum but that’s it. Both my mum and dad were incredibly selfish as parents and I have a huge amount of resentment towards her as I don’t want to be her skivvy any longer. The doctor has given her antidepressants but she won’t take them. She’s sad Lonely and depressed but won’t do anything to change that. Won’t even go for a walk up and down the road. After finding no issues today at the scan I am so bloody pissed off that it’s yet another “ situation “ she has engineered so people have to rally round.
Stick a fork in me I’m done.

OP posts:
toomuchlaundry · 05/09/2021 01:16

Step back. My DM uses community transport for some of her medical appointments, as doesn’t always want to rely on me (and I can’t always make them anyway).

UrbanRambler · 05/09/2021 01:42

From my experience in caring for my elderly parents for several years before they died in their 80s, I would say that your mother is actually doing better than many people of her age, and perhaps you would be better off accepting the changes that have come with her advanced age, rather than bemoaning the fact that she has "given up". Just because she doesn't cook from scratch doesn't mean she's given up - on the contrary, she seems content to microwave ready meals and is presumably eating them, which is a good sign. The fact that she is seeking medical help for her various ailments (imagined or real), is also a good thing - my mother avoided doctors at all costs and ignored various issues until it was too late to do anything about them. Also, elderly people who live alone do have a tendency to dwell on every small symptom and imagine the worst - maybe she just wants reassurance.

When my mother was 84 she was barely eating, due to various digestive problems that were too late to fix. She lived mostly on soup, hot drinks, custard and sweets, for years. Left to her own devices she barely washed or changed her clothes, so had to be coaxed by me to do these things. As time went on she couldn't be bothered to go to bed, stayed in her chair day and night, and in the end she stopped using the toilet so had to wear incontinence pants (which she never changed, without prompting from me/the carers). Although her legs worked fine, through lack of use the muscles gave way and she could barely walk to the toilet, even with help. I could write several pages about what giving up real looks like, but hopefully you get the picture.

Being old and alone sucks. It's a shame when elderly people don't try to keep active, or attend clubs and activities that could benefit them, but if they don't want to do it, you can't make them. I understand why you feel frustrated as you think life would be so much better if she made more of an effort to help herself, but this depression and apathy is very common in her age group so try to accept that she's unlikely to change now. I know it's hard becoming the main carer to parents that have been less than caring towards you (mine weren't perfect either), but you will find time with her easier if you just go with the flow a bit and just gently help her with anything you can, to keep her ticking over. It may take years for your mother to fade from existence, or she may be gone tomorrow - you just don't know. But when she's gone, you will feel better if you know you did everything you ressonably could to support her through her final phase of life. That doesn't mean sacrificing your own health - you need to set your own boundaries about how mucn you are willing/able to do, to help her through her twilight years. It's hard. Good luck OP.

Mindymomo · 05/09/2021 09:01

My MIL used to do voluntary chaperoning services for Age UK. She used to visit people in their homes and try and get them to visit a day centre. She would pick them up and take them for a couple of hours and then drop them back home. Often she was older than the clients. Unfortunately only about 1 in 10 continued to go on their own, like your DM most just want someone to come in and chat. You could call her local Age UK and see if they have any suggestions or any local care groups which offer support. It is hard when they get old and only focus on their health, unfortunately MIL went this way. She always said “shoot me if I get like this”.

MakeMeCleanTheHouse · 05/09/2021 09:13

@UrbanRambler "But when she's gone, you will feel better if you know you did everything you ressonably could to support her through her final phase of life. That doesn't mean sacrificing your own health - you need to set your own boundaries about how mucn you are willing/able to do, to help her through her twilight years. It's hard"

Pretty much this especially boundaries. I've cared for two relatives who have both died in the last 18 months. It was enormously difficult especially as I had a difficult relationship and memories of care from my mum. I used to say we needed a bingo card of health investigations as she too had every examination going and then moved on to new symptoms in a separate branch of medicine. All normal.

I gave up one day of every weekend and one evening and worked full time. It was a killer. I tried to go out with her (huge resistance) because staying at home was not healthy for any of us. Getting out and about is worth a try

grey12 · 05/09/2021 09:13

Not the same case at all but something that may help:

We had someone coming over to bathe and cream DH's late GM (in her 90s). It was a former nurse and she would say a couple of hours and chat. Could you possibly afford something like that?

Willdoitlater · 05/09/2021 09:15

@UrbanRambler is absolutely right.

MakeMeCleanTheHouse · 05/09/2021 09:18

I would visit and say I AM going to walk up the road....whatever ...and see if she comes. Garden centres, national trust, river walks all at slow pace and we stop for a coffee or ice cream but they gave me some comfort and were good for her. She never ever wanted to do them but always enjoyed them.

If you take 10 mins out for a stroll or pick up some shopping and then go back she has had had time to think about where you might be and consider joining you

Willdoitlater · 05/09/2021 09:21

Just to add, she can pay a care agency to provide companionship, chat and take her out, and take her to appointments. So it doesn't have to be all on you. Of course she won't want this at first, but that's her choice. You aren't obliged to do more than you want, just because she wants you rather than anyone else.

loulou4343 · 05/09/2021 12:31

Thanks you ALL for your super kind messages 💕
I have tried everything. She won’t leave the house not even for 10 mins. The only time she leaves it is to put out the wheelie bin which usually has nothing in it. She has a cleaner once a fortnight and she will chat with her but apart from that that is literally it. She’s asked me to stop phoning her as she would rather speak to me when I see her so again lots of guilt. I just wish she would TRY to do something instead of completely dismissing it. She was complaining her arm was weak so I gave her a tin of beans and said to do some little exercises lifting it up 5 times and going from there. She did it twice and started to cry. She is clinically depressed and that’s just so awful to see as she could have something to help but no. Now she has the all clear from yesterday she will invent a new “ problem “ that will require medical attention and scans. I’m not playing ball I am afraid, I have had 25+ yrs of her invented medical issues and they don’t exist. Sorry to sound harsh but that’s how I feel now. She is my mum but we are like chalk and cheese x

OP posts:
loulou4343 · 05/09/2021 12:32

And sorry yes she can pay for any care she needs. She is very comfortable - it annoys me that she burdens the NHS all the time when she could easily go private.

OP posts:
MereDintofPandiculation · 05/09/2021 13:34

Stand firm and let her use hospital transport. That might cure her of her need for a proper investigation. Being picked up hours early, driven all round the houses, then hanging around waiting for the trip home.

grey12 · 05/09/2021 14:23

OP it seems you need to be a little firmer.

You said she refused to move in closer to you and now demands your time. It seems like you don't have that time to spare

Book a time every week where you go to see her (weekend?) to have lunch with her or something. And besides that, you can talk a bit on the phone, when you're cooking or something. You can help her and keep her some company but you can't stop your life

GreenClock · 05/09/2021 17:09

This sounds dismal OP. Maybe make the visit every ten days instead of weekly. And stop taking her to appointments when your nearby brother is able and willing. Be more robust in general.

loulou4343 · 05/09/2021 18:44

I am definitely going to stop going weekly, it’s just not doable she’s so far away. If she would have broadband I could get her a simple tablet and we could FaceTime then at least I could “ see “ how she was but that’s out of the question as she won’t have any technology ( tbh she would never be able to understand it )
Her doctors had a meeting about her in the week and phoned me. They totally have the measure of her. She is utterly exhausting.
Thanks for everyone who took the time to offer advice x

OP posts:
bringincrazyback · 07/09/2021 14:50

@loulou4343

And sorry yes she can pay for any care she needs. She is very comfortable - it annoys me that she burdens the NHS all the time when she could easily go private.
OP, I have massive sympathy/empathy - my mum is just like this too as far as the apathy and needing/wanting everything done for her (like yours, my dad did everything for her and it really didn't help in the long run). And she lives with me so respite is distinctly thin on the ground.

I do feel the need to point out that your mum's paid into the system all her life so is morally completely entitled to use the NHS, but I totally get how you're feeling and sympathise.

loulou4343 · 07/09/2021 17:50

Thank you 💕 I am so bloody fed up with it all.
Sending hugs to you too x

OP posts:
Mischance · 07/09/2021 18:01

You need to hold a conversation with your brother.
You need to limit your visits.
You need to organise transport other than you for medical visits.

But the other side of this coin is that it is very very hard to be old, frightened and alone - it really is. Watching one's own health fail in small relentless steps is bloody scary; and apparently "unreasonable" refusals to do things can often be based on fear and loss of confidence.

We all age in our own different ways and no doubt you are thinking that you will never do any of these things: but I bet you do!

I have spent a lot of time working with elderly people. Getting old is bloody tough.

Mischance · 07/09/2021 18:05

I am not trying to load you with guilt - just saying that old people have a lot to deal with at a time when their abilities are waning. And that, in the main, it will come to us all.

You need to be clear what you CAN do and stick to that. And your brother needs to step up; even if she is saying she wants you.

Not all old people can be David Attenborough or Sheila Hancock!

loulou4343 · 07/09/2021 22:45

Thank you - I know you are not trying to load me with guilt.
The only thing we ask of her ( me, my brother and her GP ) is that she takes an antidepressant but she won’t.
The ONLY thing, everyone else will do the rest but nope.
I have through about it literally all day and I have a banging headache. I am not prepared to do this any longer with her. I am just not.
She was going on about her water bill arriving yesterday and could I go round and write the cheque out and post it. I said no. She can call them up and pay it over the phone ( she said she couldn’t read the long card number ) Tough. I’m out.

OP posts:
grey12 · 08/09/2021 07:53

She's making excuses, it's normal. But for something like that you need to be firm and tell her to contact your brother if she needs assistance. You said he lives closer and could go there for 15min, pay the bill, say hi and make sure everything is ok

ShingleBeach · 08/09/2021 08:12

Been there…

Have you had a serious talk with your brother?

Next time there is an appointment have him take her. Even if she thinks you are going. Say you are simply unavailable.

Tell your brother that this is affecting your own life and you are struggling timewise , mentally and emotionally, and that when he pops in with shopping he needs to stop and chat with her.

Reticence to accept care is common. My Mum was a good, kind, v self sufficient unselfish Mum, but as her age and frailty grew remained adamant that they did not want carers, apparently oblivious to the huge amount of support we were giving.

In the end we just had to gang up and say ‘this is what is happening’.

The carers visits were originally moaned about (didn’t hang tea towels up properly, etc etc etc). But quite quickly became accepted and looked forward to.

Making Change is hard but well worth the effort. Be clear and resolute with your brother, develop a team approach.

Good luck!

Mischance · 08/09/2021 09:21

I am glad you have been able to be firm with her. You have to set some boundaries to stay sane. Time to be firm with your brother!

loulou4343 · 08/09/2021 18:02

Thank you again all x

OP posts:
Roselilly36 · 08/09/2021 18:06

Handhold OP, you are in a tough situation. Good luck.

Topseyt · 09/09/2021 11:14

You and your brother need to pull together much more on this. Is there any real reason why he could not take her to some of these appointments, or is it just that she doesn’t want to ask him and defaults to you, as her daughter.

You need to put your foot down a bit here, with your brother hopefully singing from the same hymn sheet. You will do some, but not all.

You and your brother also do have your own lives too. Carers may need to be accepted for at least a good portion of the time to give you both peace of mind when you aren’t there, and to take some of the strain off.

You might both need to have a frank and open discussion with your mother about what is and isn’t manageable and why, and what must be done to mitigate it (i.e. carers will be needed, the cleaner must come every week instead of fortnightly). Honestly, I am so glad my own mother has accepted this sort of help as neither my sister or I live nearby. We do what we can, carers come in three times a day, she has a cleaner and a gardener. A problem would be picked up same day and help sought. They also have my mobile number and also my sister’s.

If your mother digs her heels in and argues then you will have to have to stick to your guns. The other way lies insanity, I’m afraid.