Care home visits - how often?

[AChickenCalledDaal]

For those who have elderly parents in a care home, which is near your home, would you mind saying how often you visit? I'm just trying to get a sense of what's "normal" because the staff won't give me a straight answer.

My Dad was admitted during the Covid lockdown. He has Parkinsons and has developed Dementia over the last few months. Since visiting resumed, we've settled into a pattern of one weekly visit, and one weekly Zoom call. But the Zoom calls are rubbish because he doesn't talk clearly and his grip on reality isn't all that strong. He does recognise me, but I don't think he really understands that I'm talking to him in real time (as opposed to being on some sort of strange interactive TV programme!)

I've just dropped the Zoom calls, so at the moment I'm down to one visit per week. Those are OK - we chat for about half an hour - mostly I try and reassure him that no-one is trying to steal his money or kidnap him and give him a bit of news from my family, so as to help him stay in touch with reality. I have no idea whether he really remembers that I've visited, but he does seem pleased to see me.

I feel like I ought to start visiting more often now that I can, but I'm also working and pretty exhausted. If I knew that once a week was reasonably "normal" in terms of frequency, I'd stick with it. But if I knew that there would be genuine benefit to him from more frequent visits, I'd suck it up and increase.

Sorry if that sounds very negative - I do love him but visiting is really hard work and I'm knackered.

Watching with interest to see how often others visit.

My mum went into a residential home in Summer 2019 as, after 3 strokes, her health had declined and she could no longer manage to live independently. Before covid I used to visit every other day, give or take (sometimes less) but quite often - say Mon, Wed, Fri, Sun but not always Sun. Visits were usually pleasant - she was pretty much herself aside from speech and mobility issues.

Summer 2020 she had another stroke and had to move to a nursing home. It's very near to where she was so it's not much further for me to travel (about 25 minutes drive). However, she's completely different now. Visits are very traumatic - she gets stressed, sometimes tries to hit me, loses her temper, tells me to fuck off. There's only a short period in the day where she's fit for a visit. I've been aiming for 2 visits a week. My visits are getting shorter as they're exhausting and she starts to get abusive and angry.

I used to try to do FaceTime but she can't hold a screen and just pushes it away when the staff hold it for her.

I'm sorry that you're also in this position. It's so hard and the guilt is so real, but there's nothing you can do.

I visit alternate days more or less for between 30 mins to an hour and a half when I help with meals. I would do less if I were working full time or had young kids. Zoom, screen and telephone visits didn't work for us either. Visiting IS hard work be kind to yourself.

Btw, meant to add that my mum's home has "protected" meal times so we're not allowed to visit in those times. It makes things more difficult also because I work and have children so have to juggle around those. After dinner mum just wants to go to bed and sleep, so visiting after then seems useless!

At her old home I would visit and sit and chat while she ate - you could even book a meal for yourself and pay for it so that you could eat together, if you wanted. And then I would stay for a bit after, take her back to her room etc. I'm unable to do that now.

When my mum was in a care home she had a visitor everyday BUT there were 6 of us plus grandchildren and nieces and nephews. Two of my brothers didn't visit because they didn't like to see mum like that🤔🤔

I think 2/3 times a week would be ok.

My mum didn't know us for the last 2 years of her life. We usually stayed 2/4pm and would end up talking to other residents as my mum would wander off.
It was much better when we could take her out before her dementia advanced.

I work in a care home and before covid we had some relatives that would come every day, some once/twice weekly and others once in a blue moon. At the moment we are by appointment only so mostly it's once weekly/fortnightly.
Once a week sounds ok to me, don't put pressure on yourself to get in more if once a week is what you can do. You're doing ok!

To clarify - I've just got Essential Care Giver approval which is why I can go in and help with meals. Before that we were only allowed half an hour once a week!

I think it's really a personal choice - there is no normal and that's why staff aren't giving you an answer.
My Dad had the same and I use me to visit weekly. When he became less well I found it difficult and at times visited less often as I found it hard and he didn't know who I was.
When he got an infection and we decided for him not to go to hospital for treatment and I knew he had days - short weeks to live I stayed with him until he died xx

My father moved to a nursing home two years ago due to a rapidly developing neurodegenerative disease. I usually visit once a week. I bring a home-cooked meal, so we eat dinner together. I would like to visit more often but as his disease has progressed visits are getting somewhat traumatic.

My mum has advanced dementia and I go once a week.

This is really helpful, thanks. It would be so nice to be able to sit and have a meal with him in a more natural way. I haven't even been inside the home yet - visits are in the garden or a little building in the grounds, both of which are lovely, but it's hard to keep a natural flow of conversation going when it's just the two of you one on one and one of you isn't sure where he is!

Also particular thanks to @treacletartpudding, your perspective is really helpful and "you're doing ok" is what I really need to hear right now. I think care home staff do an amazing job and I'm so grateful for the patient care he's getting, even though he doesn't appreciate it!

I see MIL once a week and mum twice a week. Both are a bit vague about recent history so I doubt if either of them would notice if I didn't go for a week or two but as neither of them has other reliable visitors I make the effort.

Mum is five minutes away and I can do my own covid test so if she's had enough of me after twenty minutes and is itching to get back to the lounge then that's fine. She can't talk for long without everything turning into word salad, I'd rather do two half hour visits than a single hour because it's hard work finding something to talk about.

MIL's home insist on doing the covid test and it's 25 minutes away so it's an hour's investment before I get through the door. On days where she can't take her eyes from the tv I last about half an hour.

My dad used to visit my grandmother daily and the staff would make a huge fuss out of how amazingly devoted he was - I suspect that that was partially because he's a man but it was clear that most residents were visited a lot less frequently - if you looked at the visitors' book then unless it was mothers day or something there would normally only be a small handful each day and there were 30 residents.

If you can commit to weekly I think you're doing really well.

My mum goes to see my grandmother 3 times a week on average. Sometimes more if she’s going through a bad patch.
When mum is away I go instead.
I also try and go once a fortnight at least myself.
My grandmother is 101 but still of pretty sound mind.
I think you need to weigh up how much benefit your visits have to him. Sometimes with dementia patients the benefits are minimal but it obviously depends on the stage of his dementia.
Also how near by are you? We’re only 10 minutes away.

Once a week, one phone call and I drop in little bits of shopping once a week without seeing them.
If you try 2/3 a week, as well as family and work, you’ll be shattered.
Postcards are fun, mine blutacs them up.

My mum has Parkinson’s dementia but still remembers us. Dad is still in the family home and has dementia as well so he has forgotten what mum is like so finds the visits very upsetting. I was visiting twice a week but visits were so awful and didn’t seem to benefit anyone so I settled on once a week. If my mum was thrilled to see me and her face ‘lit up’ as happens with my friend’s dad I would go more often but she is not bothered. Visits are often awful and I hate them. Good luck to you and all of us who are going through this.

My dad had lewy bodies dementia. Nursing home approx 30 minutes away from all family. I visited infrequently - probably once every six weeks/2months. My mum visited weekly, until the last year and then it was once a fortnight. He had no idea who either of us where by the time he went into the nursing home and frequently upset my mum with his comments as he couldn't believe he was married to an old woman. It was soul destroying. My sister visited weekly without fail. He did recognise her, but one of the care assistants was the spitting image of her, so we were never sure who he was actually recognising,!

I think it's very much personal choice. Don't go out of guilt, or because you feel you have to. Don't feel pressured. Your mental health is important.

My lovely mum is in a care home which is an hour and a half away from where I live. She has vascular dementia. I visit once a week and occasionally more often. She still recognises me and talks a little. It is very sad. 😂

Sorry that was meant to be a sad face not a laughing face.

When my MIL first went into her dementia home (2.5 hours away) I tried to go once every three weeks. My SIL went up every second weekend and stayed one or two nights in MIL's house, and when that had to be sold, in a Premier inn or something, so she got two visits in. Back then it was possible to take MIL out to a cafe or a park.

Once she deteriorated to the point that the frequency of our visits didn't mean anything to her and she no longer was able to get into a car, SIL gradually went to every third weekend etc, and persuaded me to cut down too (I also had my own mum to visit in extra care1.5 hours away).

Fortunately by the time lockdown happened, my MIL didn't know who we were and didn't get anything from our visits. We only went for ourselves. Now she's just a shell, and it's only once every couple of months for me.

When my father was in a care home with advanced dementia someone visited everyday.

My mother and sister lived a couple of miles from him so went the most often. I lived 1.5 hours drive away and went twice a week.

This is really helpful for me too. Mum is still in the hospital waiting for a place and I'm hoping that she eventually moves to one of the two homes that are within walking distance of our house. I don't know how often I will be visiting her - when she was in the general hospital rather than the rehab centre I went every other day and my cousin, uncles and daughter visited her as well. I can't imagine visiting her every day again.

I have a fair amount of contact with care homes for work. There isn't really a normal for visiting, some people go every day, some a couple of times a week, some maybe once a fortnight, some less often. Depends on all sorts of things (including covid still at the moment).

If you can take things with you when you visit it can sometimes make it a bit easier than just sitting in a room. Old photo albums to look through or there are some good "scrap book" type books that cover different time periods, 40s 50s 60s etc. A pack of cards or box of dominos, puzzle books or a magazine based on interests (fishing, cats, cars, gaming whatever). Find favourite music on your phone. Eat biscuits.

It is really difficult when you are trying to cope with your own emotions and balance your other responsibilities so try not to feel guilty. You need to take care of yourself too.

This has been really helpful. It's also reassuring to hear similar feelings about visiting and how our loved ones react. Dad seems happy to see me, although occasionally confused about why I've come. But after about half an hour, he's always ready to send me back home. He's very restless in general, so I think that's as long as he can tolerate sitting and trying to make conversation.

The home is still quarantining gifts, otherwise taking in food/photos/playing cards would really help.

I think I'm going to stick with one a week for the next few weeks (which are going to be manic at work) and see if there's any change in his demeanour. If not, I'll settle on that for the sake of my own sanity.