Care home visits - how often?

[AChickenCalledDaal]

For those who have elderly parents in a care home, which is near your home, would you mind saying how often you visit? I'm just trying to get a sense of what's "normal" because the staff won't give me a straight answer.

My Dad was admitted during the Covid lockdown. He has Parkinsons and has developed Dementia over the last few months. Since visiting resumed, we've settled into a pattern of one weekly visit, and one weekly Zoom call. But the Zoom calls are rubbish because he doesn't talk clearly and his grip on reality isn't all that strong. He does recognise me, but I don't think he really understands that I'm talking to him in real time (as opposed to being on some sort of strange interactive TV programme!)

I've just dropped the Zoom calls, so at the moment I'm down to one visit per week. Those are OK - we chat for about half an hour - mostly I try and reassure him that no-one is trying to steal his money or kidnap him and give him a bit of news from my family, so as to help him stay in touch with reality. I have no idea whether he really remembers that I've visited, but he does seem pleased to see me.

I feel like I ought to start visiting more often now that I can, but I'm also working and pretty exhausted. If I knew that once a week was reasonably "normal" in terms of frequency, I'd stick with it. But if I knew that there would be genuine benefit to him from more frequent visits, I'd suck it up and increase.

Sorry if that sounds very negative - I do love him but visiting is really hard work and I'm knackered.

My mum went into a care home sixteen months before she died. My dad visited four hours a day. Towards the end he cut down to two because he was exhausted, and I did the other two. So she had four hours of visits every day (apart from once) for sixteen months.

My grandma was many years in a care home with dementia. She asked me not to visit, so I didn't. She was upset that I didn't take her home. My mother went once in a blue moon and my aunt visited weekly.

Dad got visited every 3 days pre covid, mainly by me. Now we’re back visiting, I go once a week, and write him a letter once a week, and I’m staying for a little over-an hour rather than 2-3 hours. He lipreads, so can’t hear me with-a mask, so visits are me sitting with an encouraging smile while he delivers a monologue.

It was easier pre covid because I could fit visits between my own activities, now I have to make an appointment and fit everything round that

I have an elderly gent that comes into my work, he's cared for his elderly wife (him 86 her 84) until it all got to much recently.
She's now in a local nursing home and he's allowed one weekly visit!
They've not spent a day apart in their 64 year marriage and this is just so cruel
I'm trying to facilitate face time calls between them at the min with me because he doesn't even have a mobile let alone a laptop and that's the only thing the home will suggest.
He's so upset and blaming himself for not being able to manage at home and I'm furious for him.
I realise the home are at a very real risk of a covid outbreak but this is barbaric.

@Mucky1 all care home residents should be able to nominate an essential care giver. That person should then be assessed and visits should be to meet needs. That can include emotional support as well as assisting with care tasks (personal care, eating, etc.). The visits don't have to follow the homes standard visiting policy and there shouldn't be blanket rules. There would still need to be covid testing/ PPE as appropriate. It might be worth your gentleman talking to the home about this and the impact on his wife's wellbeing of the current arrangements.

Info here click

Dad has advanced dementia. I visit once a week with my mum. He’s extremely frail, bed bound, doubly incontinent, doesn’t recognise us and responds more to staff/ television (or sleeps through).

I get pangs of guilt for not visiting more but come away from visits emotionally exhausted. It’s been nine long years since his diagnosis and the hardest road I’ve ever walked so I comfort myself that he’s in a good place being well looked after.

Be guided by what you are okay with because everyone’s circumstances are unique. I think a lot depends on your relationship too.

My late mother had Parkinson's and when she was in a nursing home, my Dad visited most days - all this pre-Covid of course. Some spouses do that and it works. I'd visit once or twice a week but families are different and I had no responsibilities. If you have siblings that can spread things out a bit. That said, the nursing home followed a stint in hospital so always had an association with an emergency, I think in Surrey they fast-track some of the elderly for nursing homes if they have a stint in hospital and have something like Parkinson's.

After one nursing home nearly killed her and nobody ever got into trouble for it, nobody ever does, the home had failed its CQC on all counts and nobody told us, the relatives, she went into hospital for a month and a half. After that I'm afraid I had to take it in turns with my sister for the rest of her life to visit daily as nobody would give her enough drink. I gradually came to accept that she was on secret 'end of life' care which really means 'ending life' care. That she was being killed by the State via dehydration or reduced fluid intake, a variation of the Liverpool Care Pathway. If it's estimated someone has less than 3 months to live, they can be put on this I understand, and the family don't need to be informed.

However, to be fair not everyone who has a parent with Parkinson's seems to have experienced this or maybe they just don't noice. I'll point out that Mum's life had value to us and her - she was up for a day out to the local park and took an interest in things, she just didn't speak much, but facially and in terms of rapport she was very much at the races.

'just don't notice' I mean to say in the last paragraph.

I visit my mum who has mid stage dementia fortnightly. I used to go more often but, frankly even if I went daily, she'd accuse me of not going for years so for my own sanity, it's fortnightly. I call her on the phone every other day and aunt calls her on the days that I don't.

I ended up at the doctor with stress and he said go less frequently, "she won't remember, look after yourself first". So fortnightly for an hour or so it is.

we've been going in daily sometimes twice a day as essential care givers to assist with meals. When Mum first went in she was in isolation for 14 days but after 10 days they asked us to come in as she had lost so much weight (her rings fell off and we were asked to collect) . She does eat but needs lots of support. These visits are not really sustainable longterm due to work and other family commitments so we are trying to find a balance. Also she has no short term memory so is not aware of say me visiting her at lunchtime when my brother calls in to see her in the evening. I would say ideally once/twice a week would be fine and what I'm hoping to get to.

I couldn't go this week as my dd was poorly I felt so bloody guilty !

I think it depends a lot on how close you live to the home. I moved my father into a home 10 minutes away so it was easy to visit. I would pop in usually 3 times a week. I could make us both a cup of tea and stay for just half an hour. Later on I would sometimes find him asleep so would get a cup of tea and sit there for 10 minutes and if he didn't wake I could just go home again as it wasn't far. It also makes a difference if there are other relatives who regularly visit. My brother also visited once a week. If you work and have young family then I am sure once a week is enough. However if you visit more you can see that they are being well looked after and check if there are any problems.

I work in care and honestly there is no normal.

Some residents just about get a visit once a at some point near their birthday. One resident with severe imparement (can't move or speak, doubly incontinent, needs add to eat and drink), her daughter comes in four /five times a week to wash and dress and feed her.

Others come in once a week and just sit with them and have a cuppa.

Some come in and take them out for a few hours.

It really depends on what works for you, and your relationship with your relative.

When dps Nan was in a care home, we visited roughly once a week and so did mil, so she had about two visits a week. But her care home was walking distance from our house

@lollipoprainbow

I couldn't go this week as my dd was poorly I felt so bloody guilty !

This guilt is constantly with us! Try not to though as we can only do what we can.