How do you cope with your parents ageing?

[MrsToadflax]

My DM's health has really declined over the last few years - thing after thing. I'm not normally an anxious person, but I'm struggling with it. It's even got to the point that I hate visiting because I just sit there looking for signs of illness and thinking how old she looks (mid 70's).

She doesn't say anything outright, but I know she feels I should do more for/with her, especially as she cared for her own DM. Unfortunately this doesn't come naturally to me and I can't ever envision her living with us. I know I should see her more and get her more involved with my DC, but she's very limited with what she can do. I feel guilty for not making more effort and being a good daughter.

My DH is very supportive, but I'm an only child so carry all her troubles on my shoulders. It doesn't help that my friends parents are very outgoing and off cycling around the country etc.

Has anyone got some words of wisdom or perspective on how to deal with this stage of life? There's nothing to suggest she's going anywhere soon (touch wood), but it just all seems so downhill from here.

No answers OP but just wanted to sympathise. I am in the same position with parents in late 70s/early 80s but also live 4 hours drive from my parents and have a toddler. I try to visit once a month but can't manage more than that - even that will become more of a struggle as LO grows I think. When I was growing up we visited my grandparents a couple of times a week and I feel immensely guilty I can't do that. It breaks my heart to see my dad becoming doddery. They don't help themselves, they live in an enormously inaccessible house (loads of steps to both back and front doors) and I dread the day they are admitted to hospital for something and cannot get back into it. Wish I could do more.

@Xdecd

No answers OP but just wanted to sympathise. I am in the same position with parents in late 70s/early 80s but also live 4 hours drive from my parents and have a toddler. I try to visit once a month but can't manage more than that - even that will become more of a struggle as LO grows I think. When I was growing up we visited my grandparents a couple of times a week and I feel immensely guilty I can't do that. It breaks my heart to see my dad becoming doddery. They don't help themselves, they live in an enormously inaccessible house (loads of steps to both back and front doors) and I dread the day they are admitted to hospital for something and cannot get back into it. Wish I could do more.

Thank you. I don't even have the excuse of distance. We're not around the corner, but not too far either. I guess we all think our parents will last forever and when it's blatant that this isn't the case, it feels so tough.

@Xdecd

No answers OP but just wanted to sympathise. I am in the same position with parents in late 70s/early 80s but also live 4 hours drive from my parents and have a toddler. I try to visit once a month but can't manage more than that - even that will become more of a struggle as LO grows I think. When I was growing up we visited my grandparents a couple of times a week and I feel immensely guilty I can't do that. It breaks my heart to see my dad becoming doddery. They don't help themselves, they live in an enormously inaccessible house (loads of steps to both back and front doors) and I dread the day they are admitted to hospital for something and cannot get back into it. Wish I could do more.

And yes, I think it's the thought of dealing with infirmity in the future that worries me. Care home, nurses visiting etc. It just all seems so overwhelming.

I think you have to figure out boundaries you are comfortable with. It's fine if one of those is that she won't ever move in with you. On other points I would try and compromise - e.g. allocate time for her to spend with the kids, accept that it's not going to be dynamic or exciting but it shows the kids that we do make an effort with our loved ones, without sacrificing our own lives. It's finding that line.

What's her housing situation? Could you move her into assisted living or similar so that there's more going on around? How far is she from you?

You just get used to it. I am lucky, my DM is able bodied and can care for my DF, however i feel immense guilt that I can’t help out more and very sad when I talk to to DF that he will never be the same as he used to be, someone very clever and sharp who loved arguing the toss and had excellent humour has turned into someone who does not understand things and gets upset easily. I am often jealous of people my own age who have both parents in excellent health, but I know this is unreasonable, as they may have problems I don’t know about.

You can encourage them to move to suitable housing to make life easier. Possibly nearer you?

@Crimeismymiddlename I definitely recognise my DF there, a very clever, academic man who read extensively and now gets very stressed and cross when he can't manage things that require a lot of organisation (Christmas dinner for example).

She doesn't have to move in with you, but once a week visits and making sure she lives in the most appropriate housing and has the right care/contact with others

I was speaking to someone recently who was saying thing about how often you visit your parents and the general life expectancy. Say someone sees their father once every 3 months and the father is 77. Assuming they have 2 years left that’s only 8 more visits.

It’s hard watching parents age and deteriorate but the point is to make the visits and times together memorable and enjoyable.

I know it’s hard and you’re worrying about your mum. Ageing is a natural part of life and as far as you’re aware she’s healthy. Please make use of this time to enjoy life with her and try not to spend it worrying.

As someone with an 86 yr old mother whose memory is rubbish I'm going to very seriously say DO NOT try to live in the future or solve problems that don't exist yet.

Right now your mum is ? Doing OK? - you don't say what the actual signs of ageing you see are. I know the first thing I noticed was that it was actually quite relaxing visiting my mum, used to be terribly exhausting as she was so energetic...

Sounds like she's living independently in her own home but would like more visits. What about same number of visits but double the phone calls? Literally put them all in your diary/calendar and just do it. What you must do is avoid wasting all your time feeling guilty you're not seeing her. Decide what you can cope with and then do that. So what if she cared directly for her DM. Did you perhaps have more children? You have a different life.

I would say the mental switch into me being in more the parent role took 5-10 years. Still not easy but I remember when I decided to stop telling her things about my life that would just worry or stress her, and to get my emotional support elsewhere. It's not an absolute boundary but I try to make our talks a happy time.

One day she won't be here, yes, and no amount of worry from you will bring that day closer or send it further away. She might have a couple of decades yet - don't spend it anticipating death.

My DM is now 81 and 20 years ago she bought the house next door to us. I can remember a few eyebrows being raised by friends and family at the time who felt we might live to regret it and I am sure there was more than one occasion when each of us has wished there was a bit of distance between us! However, I am now glad she is so close to us although it occurred to me the other day that when she goes I will find it very difficult to continue living in our home, watching someone else live in my DM's home. My DH and I have been "retirement proofing" our house as I am now 60 and DH is 58. We have done a lot of improvements to our house and at no point did it occur to me that I would not be able to live here.

Like you, I have noticed my DM's health declining although she still lives independently and keeps a very clean and tidy house. She still looks after herself cooking her own meals etc. However, I have noticed her short term memory in the last year is not good and she gets really upset if something even very small goes wrong with her house. She struggles to arrange any appointments for herself now so prefers me to do all this for her. She needs a knee replacement so can't walk far so we have just spent a few weeks looking, testing and eventually buying her a mobility scooter in the hope that it will open up her world a bit more. When my DS was young I occasionally used to resent having to take her out with us every time we went out for a day but now I find I am positively encouraging her to come out with us to try and keep her mind active.

Like you, it upsets me to see her starting to decline and I often wake in the middle of the night anxious about it. Certainly I am now the parent in the relationship which I find upsetting.

@GooseberryJam

I think you have to figure out boundaries you are comfortable with. It's fine if one of those is that she won't ever move in with you. On other points I would try and compromise - e.g. allocate time for her to spend with the kids, accept that it's not going to be dynamic or exciting but it shows the kids that we do make an effort with our loved ones, without sacrificing our own lives. It's finding that line.

What's her housing situation? Could you move her into assisted living or similar so that there's more going on around? How far is she from you?

She's in her own home and won't consider assisted living. She's not quite at that point and the biggest issue is they don't take pets. There is no way she will leave her dogs. She does ok in her house and gets a bit of help in the garden. She has started looking close to me after I suggested it, but her budget isn't huge and not much has been on the market. My concern about her moving is that she does have a network of friends where she is. People that pop in and can take her to appointments etc. If she moves close to me that will all fall to me (doable), but I think she will miss the friends more than she thinks. She's been in current place for nearly 50 years and doesn't find change easy.

@Crimeismymiddlename

You just get used to it. I am lucky, my DM is able bodied and can care for my DF, however i feel immense guilt that I can’t help out more and very sad when I talk to to DF that he will never be the same as he used to be, someone very clever and sharp who loved arguing the toss and had excellent humour has turned into someone who does not understand things and gets upset easily. I am often jealous of people my own age who have both parents in excellent health, but I know this is unreasonable, as they may have problems I don’t know about.

Yes, jealous is the word. My DM has never been able to be hands-on with my DC and it does make me sad. My friends parents pick up at school, take DC on holidays etc and we don't have that. I'm a SAHM so I've never needed it from a childcare perspective, but it would have been a nice relationship for my DC.

@Winterfairy23

I was speaking to someone recently who was saying thing about how often you visit your parents and the general life expectancy. Say someone sees their father once every 3 months and the father is 77. Assuming they have 2 years left that’s only 8 more visits.

It’s hard watching parents age and deteriorate but the point is to make the visits and times together memorable and enjoyable.

I know it’s hard and you’re worrying about your mum. Ageing is a natural part of life and as far as you’re aware she’s healthy. Please make use of this time to enjoy life with her and try not to spend it worrying.

That is an excellent perspective - thank you. I see her about once every month plus for all key holidays. I host Christmas every year and all grandparents come. I also make sure grandparents come to meet Father Christmas so they share some magic with our DC. We always have a Mother's Day outing with all grandparents, plus Easter etc. I phone about 3 times a week, more if she's going through a bad health phase. When my eldest are back at school I'm going to make more effort to take my youngest for more regular visits.

I’m on the phone to my mother every day, unless I have a medical appointment or something that I know on advance will make me tired. In which case I let her know.

It tiring. I have to clock watch to make sure I phone or she will worry. I make my life round it. But she’s my mother and she’s lonely. So I do it.

I’m just glad she still with it. It does get boring being told the same thing on a daily basis though.

When I thought about stopping and making it every second day my pal said I have to justify that to myself if she becomes ill and I’m not there to notice. So I keep going. But I’m down to 20 mins some nights as I am tired and just can’t do an hour the way I used to during the first lockdown.

I’m glad I don’t have to go round daily though as that’s really tiring.

Would it help to create a routine? E.g. mum comes for Sunday lunch every second weekend of the month. Sometimes we stay in and sometimes we have a day out and eat in a pub. That way you don't have to constantly think about how often you see her and how she interacts with DC. You could also discover what they have in common. She might not be very spontaneous with them but they might start a jigsaw together or a simple craft or art project. Or cook together if she still does that.

You could also do things with her that require minimal interaction from you. Take her to a musical or a candlelit concert occasionally - memorable activities but fairly passive on your part.

My best advice, having been through it with DM and DF, is don't wish this time away by looking for problems.

You’ll wish this time next year that you still had what you have now.

That’s it really. That an buckle up for a long ride, it will ebb and flow. When things are ok and she doesn’t need to much, take some time for yourself. When she needs you, you’ll have to let other things go but it’s not forever.

None of it is forever, it changes all the time even if it doesn’t feel like it.

And one day you’ll look back and wish you’d hugged her more

It’s a bit like having kids. You can’t imagine how it’s going to feel until you get to that stage, just when you think things can’t change they will. Talk and listen to people who have been carers, in the same way you probably did with other mum friends. They’re the best source of support.

Top advice @RoseStar. 💐

I am an only child. My parents are currently mid/late 60s and moderately fit and healthy but I do think about the future a lot. My DH's parents have both died already (his dad decades ago, well before we met) so it does feel like my parents getting ill/infirm is the next big thing that will happen to us.

As PPs have said I think knowing and setting your boundaries is important. We will never have either of my parents living with us. I just couldn't handle that emotionally - we need our private space as a family. That's ok if it's the same for you too.

@PermanentTemporary

As someone with an 86 yr old mother whose memory is rubbish I'm going to very seriously say DO NOT try to live in the future or solve problems that don't exist yet.

Right now your mum is ? Doing OK? - you don't say what the actual signs of ageing you see are. I know the first thing I noticed was that it was actually quite relaxing visiting my mum, used to be terribly exhausting as she was so energetic...

Sounds like she's living independently in her own home but would like more visits. What about same number of visits but double the phone calls? Literally put them all in your diary/calendar and just do it. What you must do is avoid wasting all your time feeling guilty you're not seeing her. Decide what you can cope with and then do that. So what if she cared directly for her DM. Did you perhaps have more children? You have a different life.

I would say the mental switch into me being in more the parent role took 5-10 years. Still not easy but I remember when I decided to stop telling her things about my life that would just worry or stress her, and to get my emotional support elsewhere. It's not an absolute boundary but I try to make our talks a happy time.

One day she won't be here, yes, and no amount of worry from you will bring that day closer or send it further away. She might have a couple of decades yet - don't spend it anticipating death.

That is a good point about a different life. We lead very different lives and I have more children. I do try and do thoughtful things like sending flowers and cake and little things she will like, but after reading these replies I'm definitely going to make more effort to see her.

@Icequeen01 it's so difficult isn't it. Could I ask which mobility scooter you went for? Mum has mentioned getting one and I'm thinking of getting it for her.

@leavesthataregreen

Would it help to create a routine? E.g. mum comes for Sunday lunch every second weekend of the month. Sometimes we stay in and sometimes we have a day out and eat in a pub. That way you don't have to constantly think about how often you see her and how she interacts with DC. You could also discover what they have in common. She might not be very spontaneous with them but they might start a jigsaw together or a simple craft or art project. Or cook together if she still does that.

You could also do things with her that require minimal interaction from you. Take her to a musical or a candlelit concert occasionally - memorable activities but fairly passive on your part.

Yes, that's a good idea. I do take her on outings, but the distance she can walk has massively reduced, so it limits what we can do. Theatre would be ideal.