How do you cope with your parents ageing?

[MrsToadflax]

My DM's health has really declined over the last few years - thing after thing. I'm not normally an anxious person, but I'm struggling with it. It's even got to the point that I hate visiting because I just sit there looking for signs of illness and thinking how old she looks (mid 70's).

She doesn't say anything outright, but I know she feels I should do more for/with her, especially as she cared for her own DM. Unfortunately this doesn't come naturally to me and I can't ever envision her living with us. I know I should see her more and get her more involved with my DC, but she's very limited with what she can do. I feel guilty for not making more effort and being a good daughter.

My DH is very supportive, but I'm an only child so carry all her troubles on my shoulders. It doesn't help that my friends parents are very outgoing and off cycling around the country etc.

Has anyone got some words of wisdom or perspective on how to deal with this stage of life? There's nothing to suggest she's going anywhere soon (touch wood), but it just all seems so downhill from here.

My dad is 81 my mum 76. They downsized to a bungalow 3 or 4 years ago now, but chose to stay in a town that neither of them really like and is 2 hours away from me and 4 hours from my sister. This is despite them saying that they would move closer to one of us. My sister sees them 3 or 4 times a year for 2 or 3 days at a time. Before covid I saw them at least once a month, always us to them.
They are gradually becoming more and more incapable. The only internet shopping that they can do is groceries and if it goes wrong they can't cope. To be honest they are a complete nightmare. They are my parents and I care for them but don't like them very much as people.
We are taking a break from work for the first time in nearly 12 months, my husband has ME/CFS and to be perfectly honest we are knackered and just need a break. My mum is having a complete hissy fit because we are not using the time to visit them, we are going up next weekend, but thats not good enough!
I am not giving up my life for my parents. They chose to live where they do, I have a son, work full time at work and pick up a lot of our house work because of my husband s CFS. I am not travelling every week to see them, time has shown that they don't really want to see ME. They just want me to fix things for them. They are difficult to get along with and don't appreciate anything that is done for them. My mum is very controlling and it took a lot to step away from that and I am not voluntarily stepping back into the role of whipping boy.

@RoseStar

My best advice, having been through it with DM and DF, is don't wish this time away by looking for problems.

You’ll wish this time next year that you still had what you have now.

That’s it really. That an buckle up for a long ride, it will ebb and flow. When things are ok and she doesn’t need to much, take some time for yourself. When she needs you, you’ll have to let other things go but it’s not forever.

None of it is forever, it changes all the time even if it doesn’t feel like it.

And one day you’ll look back and wish you’d hugged her more

Thank you for this perspective. She has got a couple of serious health issues, but is ok for the time-being. You're right to make the most of now. I really don't want to feel massive regret at how I've dealt with this, so will definitely be putting my big girl pants on and stepping up. Already planning a weekend away with her.

[quote MrsToadflax]@Icequeen01 it's so difficult isn't it. Could I ask which mobility scooter you went for? Mum has mentioned getting one and I'm thinking of getting it for her.[/quote]
We went for the Alumina Pro which breaks down into three bits and is easy to put in the car. I am not sure yet whether my DM will feel confident enough to go out on it on her own but it means we can take her out with us for a day. Also, she hasn't been able to do her own supermarket shopping for some time now due to her knee and this week, for the first time, I took her to Sainsbury's with me and she felt confident enough to use one of their mobility scooters which has a large basket in the front. She was sooo pleased but utterly exhausted when we got home.

I also applied for a Blue Badge which I received this week which also makes things a lot easier. My DSis and I are taking her away for a few days next week to the Cotswolds so her scooter will really make a difference to the holiday.

I have very fond memories if my grandad, but he definitely wasn’t hands on, just a presence in the background, coming over every Sunday and just watching as we went about our business. So don’t mourn a relationship your DC won’t have, celebrate the one they do have.

Don’t worry about care homes - it’s a minority who go into one. Deal with problems as they arise, don’t rush to meet them.

Think hard about moving her closer. Her friends are there not just for taking to appointments, but also as a social circle. Unless she’s good at making new friends, you won’t be able to replicate that. Also, she has another 10 - 20 years ahead of her - can you guarantee you won’t move in that time?

Being an only is an advantage - you only have to read this topic for stories of when siblings don’t see eye to eye about elder care. Sharing the burden in practice means you are limited in what you can do ease it.

When my Mum started to show signs of heart failure in her 70s I made a conscious decision to set aside more time to go visit and to ring her every week (she had a very busy life so we weren't in each other's pockets). In the last year or so I'd arranged with work to take about a day a month unpaid leave so we could go do stuff. I could see she didn't have a lot of time left and wanted to enjoy what we had, as though Future Me, who had lost her Mum, was transported magically back a few years.

Seconding the difference that mobility scooters and a blue badge make. And people were so kind and helpful when we rang up and enquired about disabled parking or seats for those with mobility issues. She was able to go to concerts, flower shows, museums etc because of this.

I too worried about the sort of crises you read on here and she worried hugely about losing her marbles, but in the end things panned out differently.

One last thing - take lots of selfies with her and videos. I can't bear to look at the videos right now but I am so glad I have them.

@MereDintofPandiculation

I have very fond memories if my grandad, but he definitely wasn’t hands on, just a presence in the background, coming over every Sunday and just watching as we went about our business. So don’t mourn a relationship your DC won’t have, celebrate the one they do have.

Don’t worry about care homes - it’s a minority who go into one. Deal with problems as they arise, don’t rush to meet them.

Think hard about moving her closer. Her friends are there not just for taking to appointments, but also as a social circle. Unless she’s good at making new friends, you won’t be able to replicate that. Also, she has another 10 - 20 years ahead of her - can you guarantee you won’t move in that time?

Being an only is an advantage - you only have to read this topic for stories of when siblings don’t see eye to eye about elder care. Sharing the burden in practice means you are limited in what you can do ease it.

That is my worry with moving her. I think sometimes she gets fed-up and will have a push looking for somewhere near me, but I honestly think the reality of leaving everything would be too much.

You need to have the conversation with her about what she wants and what she can expect from you
Whilst she's aware of what could happen

My gran was in assisted living until she was 90 then went into a home as she started to get dimentia! My sister talked about moving her in with her but the best place for my gran was a care home
Once my gran was in the home she seemed very happy and my sister was finally able to relax and visits were so much happier that having the caring responsibility on top of a visit

Some parents expect too much of their children and some children assume the care will fall on them but it's not always the case it's the initial talk that's the most difficult

You have asked the million dollar question, and I have no answer as would love to know this myself. I am an only child and my mum is 80 and dad is 84, both showing signs of decline and my dad can now hardly walk . I have watched him decline over the past year and it is truly horrible to see! They live in a house which is totally unsuitable for them due to stubborness and I dread the day the inevitable crisis happens which make them realise just how unable they really are. Like yourself, I find it all very overwhelming.

It is very stressful and I am really struggling too. As another earlier poster said, they feel jealous of friends with younger parents who don't have all this to deal with.

I find trying not to overthink scenarios in the future as much as I can helps, as we inevitably will starting thinking about many what ifs. It only creates unnecessary anxiety and a lot of these scenarios never happen. Take each day as it comes and see your mum as much as you can is all I can suggest

I read a saying somewhere that was very elegantly put but I can't remember it exactly. It was something like don't let the worries of tomorrow make you miss/destroy the pleasures of today.

My mum's dementia decline is progressive. I spent so much time worrying about the future and mourning the fact she was going to die, that I wasted precious months just not enjoying the time I had with her then. By the time I realised that, she'd worsened again. You don't know what will happen in the future, you have no idea of what she will or won't want to do - my mum constantly surprises me! Get power of attorney, make enquiries about available care and costs so you're ready and then just enjoy being with her.
(I make it sound all so enjoyable. They're our mothers. It's not easy all the time! Lol.)

Live in the present. Don’t rush to meet problems that haven’t happened yet. Don’t look back and compare.

Thank you for all the replies, much appreciated. To those struggling too, I hear you. We just have to keep marching on. I have upped phone calls and made arrangements to see DM more often. Those saying to enjoy the now are absolutely right. Wish we'd done more 5 years ago when she was much more agile. So I'm definitely on it!

@Frazzledmummy123

You have asked the million dollar question, and I have no answer as would love to know this myself. I am an only child and my mum is 80 and dad is 84, both showing signs of decline and my dad can now hardly walk . I have watched him decline over the past year and it is truly horrible to see! They live in a house which is totally unsuitable for them due to stubborness and I dread the day the inevitable crisis happens which make them realise just how unable they really are. Like yourself, I find it all very overwhelming.

It is very stressful and I am really struggling too. As another earlier poster said, they feel jealous of friends with younger parents who don't have all this to deal with.

I find trying not to overthink scenarios in the future as much as I can helps, as we inevitably will starting thinking about many what ifs. It only creates unnecessary anxiety and a lot of these scenarios never happen. Take each day as it comes and see your mum as much as you can is all I can suggest

Excellent post @Frazzledmummy123 OP I feel your pain . This stage of life is incredibly difficult, I’m a single parent with a very demanding job . I try so hard to get things organised to make things easier for my parents/us all . They absolutely refuse to do anything until it’s an absolute crisis or disaster. Then I am desperately trying to fix the car crash situation when I’m totally up against it. ( one memorable occasion trying to sort stuff from Singapore- trying to work on a business trip and deal with U.K. authorities in a different time zone - whilst biting my tongue and not roaring at my parents about how I’d been telling them to sort this for the last 20 years )

It’s incredibly stressful to support parents who refuse to engage sensibly.

I feel for you all …

I’m not an only … I have 2 siblings but it forever falls to me …

Chin up all