DH wants FIL to move countries to live with us

[sunflower60]

My FIL is from a different continent but he has no money of his own due to poor choices earlier in life, isn't able to receive any benefits where he is from and isn't in great health (slightly disabled and eyesight going). DH sends him money monthly along with his sisters who also send him what they can (they live in a different country from both us and him). However husband would like him to move to the UK and for us to create a grannyflat type thing from our garage for him to live in going forwards visa allowing. I think FIL would find it a culture shock as he is used to hotter weather etc but would possibly come round knowing it is for the best. DH says we have no choice but to help. I obviously want to help but I'm also nervous too as it's effectively another dependant for the rest of his life (he is mid 60's). We already have two very young children and lots of financial commitments. We could afford to do the work to the house and my husband says he would take on the financial commitment of his monthly outgoings for food etc (although I feel as husband and wife this should be seen as our financial commitment rather than his which he doesn't seem to understand). What would you do please and what should my considerations be before agreeing to this? Thanks

Even if you can clear immigration, it is quite likely you'd need to send him back if he needs actual care in a home, medical care etc.
If it's an Asian country it's possible the cost of care there will be much lower.
I wouldn't do this at all.

I think you should say yes. Think about if he shoe was on the other foot

I think you need to consider the visa criteria which is tough, the fact you will have to pay for all health care (which i suspect will be much more costly in the uk) and even then it will fall to you not your husband to look after him day to day.

Say he has a stroke at home and needs urgent medical care, you will need to call an ambulance, he will need a lengthy hospital and tests and then you will be his sole carer unless you fund him in a home. All of this you will have to pay for. That could be your life savings and retirement funds. That might push the financial responsibilities for you and your father in law onto your kids which they otherwise wouldn't have.

You probably won't be able to afford a home if things get really tough and if your husband is the main earner, you will have to do it cos you will be paying the NHS fees. There is no respite from it once you take it on. If financially its crippling you and he gets ill and you have the choice of phoning for medical care or not what are you going to do? The dilemma could be dreadful.

If he lives til his late 80s or more how old will you be? As his carer. And what happens if you are ill and cannot care for him? Again it could fall to your children. You aren't just taking the decision to take him on as a couple you are potentially making the decision for your children to take him on. Would you want this for yourself? Would you want this for your kids?

Care which could end up being 24 hours a day. So no holidays. No opportunity for you and your DH to go out together. When your kids get older, and potentially more away, no chance to go visit them.

Your husband makes out that its simply a case of converting part of the house. Its really not. And as difficult as it is, it would be better to be arranging appropriate care where he is simply because the burden and responsibility wont destroy your life.

The poster above saying that if you don't take him on it will end your marriage isnt accounting for your life or marriage ending because you took him on. Realistically there are scenarios here where you and your kids would be better off if you walked away and left your DH to deal with it all alone if he moved here.

Honestly i think you would regret and resent taking him on. Your husband is minimising the whole thing massively.

For you i dont think there is any choice but to refuse unless you are prepared to potentially throw away your life and commit to being a carer. Is that what you want? Is that what you want your marriage to be? Is that what you want your family life to be?

I'm not sure i buy into the idea that there are no alternatives where your FIL is. They might be difficult to source and arrange and may cost money but that may still be cheaper than paying for health care here, which he won't be eligible for. I suspect your husband is looking for a solution which is easier for him to sort out. One thats not necessarily the best one for anyone.

Anything less than a firm no, you will live to regret I'm sure.

DH says we have no choice but to help

But it's not DH's sole choice to make so that's very presumptuous of him.
The implications for OP and DC are huge.
It would be a no from me.
The immigration/visa situation might mean it's not possible in which case OP will be off the hook.

@Truthseeker34 do you know the financial impact of what the DH is suggesting? Could you afford to pay medical bills/care home fees for a relative? It is not just a case of saying yes because you think it is morally the right thing to do. Morals won’t pay the bills.

I agree with other posters that you’ll be this man’s carer for the next 20 years.

Lot of people have given you very valid points here. Your DH seems to want to be a dutiful son but may not have fully considered the immigration and financial side of things. Could you perhaps do some factual research and present him with the reality? That would put the ball back in his court so that you don't look like the baddie for saying no, and as others have pointed out the burden of care will almost certainly fall to you.

I think financially it will be almost impossible. He may not be entitled to nhs care for starters. Financially speaking you are right you need to make decisions like this together.

But I’d be more worried about you becoming a defacto carer at some point. Would you believe dh for a second if he said he’d be doing it all?

Assuming he is safe where he is, the best option is to pay for care in his country. Which is almost certain to be enormously cheaper and far less of a practical burden.

Does your husband expect you to provide physical care if his father’s health deteriorates as he ages?

If so, it would be a resounding no from me.

@simbobs

Lot of people have given you very valid points here. Your DH seems to want to be a dutiful son but may not have fully considered the immigration and financial side of things. Could you perhaps do some factual research and present him with the reality? That would put the ball back in his court so that you don't look like the baddie for saying no, and as others have pointed out the burden of care will almost certainly fall to you.

Agree with this. Show him why it has to be a no.

What if your husband became ill or worst case passed away, would you then be responsible for your FIL? I’d not take that risk.

No thank you!
I wouldn’t have him. He will be a drain on your finances which sounds like he already is with your dh sending money back. It’s also not dhs decision as you’ll be lumbered with the care. It’s your fil own fault for making bad decisions.

I don't want to be morbid, but what happens if your husband dies (or just ups and leaves) after his dad has moved in.

You have to plan for that.

@Doidontimmm. Yes, I have seen this happen in the UK, without the extra burden of the elderly relative being from elsewhere.
Couple took on elderly relative of DH, but then DH died first, leaving the Wife looking after the elderly relative (who she did not like) who lived until 99.
There is always an assumption that this will not happen.

Does your FIL really want to do this?

I think the mental and physical upheaval of moving only gets tougher. I wouldn't underestimate the low level social support he might already have - shops where they know him, the mental comfort of understanding the language and the telly/radio/library books, a doctor he's known for years, neighbours who keep an informal eye on him and have known him a long time. Believe me, these are big things to give up.

Speaking with some experience of having done this, I'm shuddering on your behalf just thinking of some of the things that could go wrong, and even if the move goes as well as can be expected your life will not be your own for as long as your FiL is living on your doorstep. Say no before this idea takes root.

I do wonder why this is suddenly an issue now.

A duty to help - sure - and you are helping. But that doesn't mean you have a duty to uproot your FIL and plonk him in to a granny flat he hasn't even planned for himself.

Also many of the wives end up being the one to do the lions share of care of the husband's relative. You already have two young ones, bet your bottom dollar you'd end up being tied to caring for your FIL too.

I'm 57 and my fathers 97 and still going strong. 60's doesn't sound old to me. I'd be very cautious about agreeing to this as it's all going to fall on you. I do my dads laundry and some admin, he has a cleaner and gardener and doesn't need personal care. He does his own cooking and shopping. I'm so lucky, even so, he still takes up quite a lot of my free time. I don't mind because he's good company and he's my dad, but it's a lot that you're being asked to take on, with some doubt about whether he can get free NHS treatment.

I agree with what other posters have said. However if you do go ahead with this make it extremely clear that you will not be cooking, cleaning, doing laundry etc for him. At his age he ought to be able to do all of this independently.

Thank you so much all, I really appreciate all the comments and very valid points which I'm going to read through today. I plan on sitting down with my DH and discussing and questioning it all with him before I rush into anything. It may not even be possible on a practical level as some people have pointed out (visa etc). Really appreciate everyone commenting though and giving neutral perspectives.

Would your DH think about moving to FIL country instead? Is that a cultural expectation?

@fantasmasgoria1

I agree with what other posters have said. However if you do go ahead with this make it extremely clear that you will not be cooking, cleaning, doing laundry etc for him. At his age he ought to be able to do all of this independently.

Yes but what about in 10 years

My friend's MiL moved here from Nigeria. She developed a heart problem and needs constant treatment. It has crippled the family financially as all medical treatment has had to be paid for.