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Elderly parents
Original poster

DH wants FIL to move countries to live with us

49 replies

sunflower60 · 14/08/2021 07:46

My FIL is from a different continent but he has no money of his own due to poor choices earlier in life, isn't able to receive any benefits where he is from and isn't in great health (slightly disabled and eyesight going). DH sends him money monthly along with his sisters who also send him what they can (they live in a different country from both us and him). However husband would like him to move to the UK and for us to create a grannyflat type thing from our garage for him to live in going forwards visa allowing. I think FIL would find it a culture shock as he is used to hotter weather etc but would possibly come round knowing it is for the best. DH says we have no choice but to help. I obviously want to help but I'm also nervous too as it's effectively another dependant for the rest of his life (he is mid 60's). We already have two very young children and lots of financial commitments. We could afford to do the work to the house and my husband says he would take on the financial commitment of his monthly outgoings for food etc (although I feel as husband and wife this should be seen as our financial commitment rather than his which he doesn't seem to understand). What would you do please and what should my considerations be before agreeing to this? Thanks

OP posts:
Hoppinggreen · 14/08/2021 07:57

Is your DH likely you provide care for his Father if/when he needs it?
Will he get up in the night to help him to the toilet, clean him if he has an accident etc or will you be expected to?
Can you actually convert the garage? Can you afford to support another person?
These are the kind of things I would be considering

Nevth · 14/08/2021 07:58

I'm sorry, but I would absolutely say no. If he is only mid 60's, you could have over 20 years of caring for him. What is your workload usually like? Do you both work full time? There are countless examples on MN of similar situations where men promise to carry the burden, but in practice, the woman ends up carrying the load.

Was this mentioned as a possibility before you got married? If not, I would be particularly furious. In my experience, you would essentially be taking on someone who will behave like a toddler/teenager, but it will be constant and for a very long time.

There may be cultural aspects at play here, but generally I think this is a very, very bad idea.

ifchocolatewerrcelery · 14/08/2021 08:00

Things to think about include the social aspects. Does FIL want to do this? Can he speak your local language? How will you stop him being isolated? I've known people move elderly relatives several hours across the U.K. so they are able to provide better support only to destroy what support the relative actually has when they can no longer see their friends and access familiar shops. Meanwhile the relative they've moved closer to works full time and struggles to pop over more than twice a week due to their existing commitments.

Health: Will FIL be able to use the NHS for free? Who will provide care and meals, etc. There's an old thread on here about a husband who wanted to move his elderly parent closer with the expectation that wife was to pop in on lunch breaks and during the day to help.

Could you live long term in this set up? Do you like FIL? How will it affect your children and your marriage? Do you have a plan for it all going wrong and no longer having him under your roof.

Money. You say his children send him money every month, will your brother's siblings continue to do this? Will you have to provide FIL with an allowance on top of paying his living costs? Will changing countries affect any pension entitlements your FIL has?

GoodnightGrandma · 14/08/2021 08:00

As you are married, all money is joint money, so you will be paying to keep him too.
And you know full well that you will end up cooking, cleaning and transporting him.
It’s a no from me.

converseandjeans · 14/08/2021 08:02

He's relatively young - I won't get a pension until 67. So could he not work rather than relying on his children?

Also will he be allowed to relocate and get free NHS care? He may have to pay for healthcare.

He could be around another 30 years - who would pay for his care should he need it?

tintodeverano2 · 14/08/2021 08:04

If he's mid sixties he could go on for another thirty years! Will you be able to brunt the cost of a care home if he needs it? Bearing in mind it's not cheap and he wouldn't be entitled to claim much, if anything here. And that's even if he would be allowed to stay, it's a very costly process too, can you afford to pay those costs and support him financially?

Check out www.gov.uk/settle-in-the-uk/y for an idea of the cost and processes involved.

ineedaholidaynow · 14/08/2021 08:08

What will the garage conversion look like, would he be pretty much self contained, or would it be simply a bedroom? Is eyesight problem correctable or only going to get worse? Who will do the caring role? Would FIL be able/want to mix in the local community. He is not that elderly, this could be a very long commitment.

Will you have a similar commitment for your parents?

I assume there is no MIL.

LivingLaVidaBabyShower · 14/08/2021 08:11

DH says we have no choice but to help.

Oh right.
And who will be cooking all his meals? running all his errands? Changing his bed sheets and washing his dishes? Taking him to dr appointments? Making sure he takes his meds?

Hint: not your husband who is "working hard" to pay for "everything"

This man could live for 30 years.
It is a hard no.
Stop this conversation right now. No discussion and no compromise.
You will continue financial support but he cant live with you. Its a deal breaker.

If he insists, I would hand on heart tell him the marriage is over. He can buy a flat and move into it with his father so he can care for him properly.

If you agree this will ruin your life.

Popetthetreehugger · 14/08/2021 08:11

Is this man nice ? If so he will be so good for your DC , it’s proven that multi gen living is an advantage to DC . Strong boundaries from day 1 . Do your research to see where how he can forge a new life here . If you stop this , you will damage your marriage. Every good luck 💐

IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 14/08/2021 08:12

Bad idea. The change in climate would be very hard. He'd likely get every bug going and be very ill. He'd be cut off from all friends, family in his home town and have nobody but you. He'd very possibly suffer emotionally as a result.
The care of him would fall to you, I am absolutely convinced of that!

It would be better for him for you to use whatever money you have to improve his situation in his home, rather than ripping him from it. Re medical care - would he even be entitled to NHS care? Would he be allowed to live here without you committing to cover all his costs for life?

Bringing him to you is a staggeringly bad idea. You need to get his needs met and improve his quality of life where he is.

My mother in law is in her late 90s. We pay for her housekeeper (in Kenya they're called house girl which I absolutely hate and I'm on a mission to get the whole family to change to housekeeper), we have adapted her house, got her some improvements to make things easier, pay for her medical expenses etc etc. She would decline and die if she was ripped from her home and her life.

I really believe your husband is making the wrong choice and needs to think what is truly in the best interests of his father.

BettyBakesBuns · 14/08/2021 08:12

He's lining you up to be his father's carer. Are you OK with that?

MyOtherProfile · 14/08/2021 08:12

Before anything else, does FIL want this? What kind of support network does he have where he is? Are any of his family near by?

OnlyMsLonely · 14/08/2021 08:13

What's the alternative? If there are no alternatives no inconvenience/cost would stop me taking in a relative who couldn't take care of themselves.

sakura06 · 14/08/2021 08:13

It's really difficult to move to the UK now sadly (depending on where you move from). I think you'd have to show you can support him financially (I believe you'd have to pay for NHS treatment).

www.gov.uk/uk-family-visa/adult-dependent-relative

It's a really difficult situation for you.

Eddielzzard · 14/08/2021 08:15

No this really isn't a good idea. Keep the financial support, but don't move him in with you.

MoreAloneTime · 14/08/2021 08:16

As people have said it's going to be you taking on the drudge here and mid 60s is far from elderly. This has bad idea written all over it.

I'm guessing there are cultural issues here but does your DH actually understand what caring involves? Does he think he does because he has seen it in his family when in reality it was the women working behind the scenes?

A starting point would be doing all you could to get a realistic idea of what this will involve.

Soontobe60 · 14/08/2021 08:18

He would not be entitled to any financial support for at least 5 years, which means if he needed care, or to go into a home, it would have to be self funded. That’s a whole lot of money! He will have no UK pension. Financially, this could be very expensive. I’m guessing your dh would be expecting you to do all the looking after of this man, who let’s face it is a stranger to you. The drain in you and your family would be immense.
Don’t do it.

StupidNC · 14/08/2021 08:22

A friend looked at this when we were in the EU for her sick mum. Even with her being an EU citizen they gave up as all of her care, finances etc would have to be self funding - if your FIL doesn't have NI contributions you will have to pay everything yourselves, which could be tens of thousands if he needs residential care. Would it be cheaper and give him a better quality of life for you to fund what he needs in his home country?

And I echo pp in saying you will end up shouldering the burden. I'd be raging if my husband did this to me.

saraclara · 14/08/2021 08:24

You will be expected to care for FIL, while your husband is 'working hard to pay for him'.
Talk to your DH about who is going to do everything. And don't let him say that FIL won't need much. Maybe for a few years he won't. But from 70-90+?

You are being set up to be a carer for the rest of your life. Which is tough enough for anyone, but particularly hard when you have someone who has been displaced from the country, the friends and the culture he knows.

saraclara · 14/08/2021 08:27

if your FIL doesn't have NI contributions you will have to pay everything yourselves, which could be tens of thousands if he needs residential care.

You mean hundreds of thousands. My mum's care home costs 6k a month. It had eaten its way through through the sale of her main home and her rental property over the years.

AgentProvocateur · 14/08/2021 08:30

Is his eyesight condition curable? If so, you’d be better spending money on an operation in whatever country it’s available. If not, a housekeeper in his country might be a solution.

Beamur · 14/08/2021 08:32

Unless your FIL is a UK citizen this may be a very bad idea financially. Your DH needs to look into what, if anything, his father would be entitled to before you think about moving him here. If you have to pay for all medical and dental care and get no pension here either can you afford that?

Dangermouse5 · 14/08/2021 08:33

@sakura06

It's really difficult to move to the UK now sadly (depending on where you move from). I think you'd have to show you can support him financially (I believe you'd have to pay for NHS treatment).

www.gov.uk/uk-family-visa/adult-dependent-relative

It's a really difficult situation for you.

This ^^

I think your biggest barrier would be immigration issues

Let alone that you'd have to show you can financially support him and the physical care aspects.

It's a very difficult situation and I can understand your DH's worrying about his father.

TableFlowerss · 14/08/2021 08:37

It would be a no from me. Had he been mid 80’s perhaps but not mid 60’s. Could live another 25 years….

TableFlowerss · 14/08/2021 08:41

@sakura06

It's really difficult to move to the UK now sadly (depending on where you move from). I think you'd have to show you can support him financially (I believe you'd have to pay for NHS treatment).

www.gov.uk/uk-family-visa/adult-dependent-relative

It's a really difficult situation for you.

Thankfully, not sadly.

Imagine the uproar if a 65 year old wanted to move to the US, Canada or Australia from the UK with zero finances to support themselves. Would never happen in a million years….