Jibe, jibe jibe. I have totally had enough!

[Frazzledmummy123]

Sorry, I really need to vent.

I don't have the energy to go into detail about the background as post is likely to be super long as it is. Details are on previous posts. In short, I don't drive and my parents are in their 80s and think when my dad (who has declining mobility) stops driving, I am to get a car and start driving them about.

I am subjected to constant guilt tripping digs and about this, usually along the lines of my mum pointing out in her 'having a dig' voice how family or friend's kids give them lifts 'and so they should after all they've done for them'. Today's was claiming my cousin (who gave them a lift to my aunts house yesterday) said 'he would be happy to drive them after everything they did for him'. Personally I call bullsh*t that this was said and is just another stunt to make me feel guilty and get me driving to please her.

My mum has never driven herself so has a bit of a cheek to be insisting I drive when I don't feel comfortable, and have 3 young kids (2 with additional needs) to look after as well as deal with her behaviour.

She goes on about all they have done for me? First of all, that is total manipulation What they have done for me was always obviously done to use as a weapon for their old age so I do what they want. Secondly, what they have done for me? is give me PTSD by narcissistic behaviour and childish tantrums when madam doesn't get things her way, and an ongoing neighbour dispute which she largely provoked? (I was attacked in the street both verbally and physically by these neighbours, had lies spread about me around the neighbourhood, and police involvement on a regular basis, etc). Yet I am meant to 'owe them' now .

I help with shopping and order things they need online, etc. However I draw the line at driving when I don't feel safe behind a wheel merely to facilitate my parent's desire to stay in an inaccessible house in middle of suburbia (with same neighbours I might add!) and no personal responsibility taken for themselves.

Sorry for the long rant. If you have read his far, thank you . I have tried to talk reasonably to them but all I get is contempt and sarcy comments. If I call her out on her jibes she will gaslight me and deny she was making one . I literally can't do it any more. If the worst she has with me is I don't drive I'd love to see her with a REALLY bad daughter

All I can advise, if you don't want to reduce contact, is to do a bingo card of stuff they have a dig about or say, so you can do a mental bingo! moment when this stuff is said, and it really does take the sting out of it. When we were going through a very difficult time with the PILs, dh and I made up actual cards and would tick them off when we had to go and visit and whoever got a line/full house got to choose dinner when we left. FIL would come out with some snark, and I'd be internally going 'yes! I've got that' and laughing inside.

Sorry to hear this OP. I think I will be in a similar position soon as my DM (mental health issues, narcissistic personality, mobility problems) is very likely to have to stop driving very soon too.

I live close by, I do have a DB, but he lives 200 miles away (sensible move as it turns out) so I know that I will be 'expected' to do the ferrying about when the time comes. I'm not sure what the answer is, although I do keep reminding myself of that old MN adage, 'No is a complete sentence'.

Why do you need me to drive when cousin will do it for me

You dont need my help anymore you have cousin to help you

I'm not sure why your calling on me clearly everyone else is helping you now I can get on with my own life

Of course I'm a terrible daughter personally i blame the parents

This is ridiculous. If you don't drive or choose to drive thats up to you. Don't let them bully you.

I remember you OP. They can afford taxis. Don’t drive if you don’t want to.

Thanks guys .

My cousin only helped out yesterday because they were visiting his mum.

Both my parents are emotionally immature and my dad has done everything for my mum her whole life since they met. Drove her everywhere, did shopping for her, carried all her bags, etc, and he took crap off her too but still did it.

I am not my dad and won't be bullied. I guess this is my life now because madam's life isn't how she wants it anymore

@Frazzledmummy123 no advice, but totally understand!

I haven't read your earlier posts but I'd a) mentally prepare to let DM's random gaslighty / barbed comments whizz by you. "Hmmm-mmmm" is a good reply. "Lovely". "Did he, how nice." Etc. Just don't engage, you know she'll only come back with some crap about how you're overreacting. b) If they directly ask then "As I've said before, I'm happy to help with x, y and z. Beyond that I suggest you use a local taxi service, let me know if you need a hand finding one."

Why do you visit them?

I had a parent who was all jibe jibe jibe. I would try to distract and deflect, and still do all the things that a good daughter should do. Eventually it got too much and I snapped back at her ( nothing bad just told her what I thought) We ended up barely speaking for three years. She asked my DH what she could do and he told her to apologise to me. She just couldn't bring herself to.
Meanwhile I was was just so relieved that it had come to a head and I was off the hook.
I got back in touch because she was unwell, and slowly but surely we are rebuilding a relationship, but it's much more on my terms now. I read books on boundaries, the Stately Homes threads on the relationship board here, and Out of the Fog Forum (pd parents board)
I really feel for you as it seems you've been groomed into believing you need to keep them happy at all cost, as I was.
It does feel that the sky will fall in if you say no to these parents, but you can do it.
It doesn't matter what they tell you other people thing of you, based on their lies.
Let your cousin pick up the slack if they're that perfect!
Big hugs to you. I know it's hard

I hate this guilt tripping. My dad was 89 last week. Still does everything...well he let my partner cut his hedge as it's above a shed and he doesn't want to climb on the roof anymore. He still drives and is good still.
Mum is 85 and does all the shopping and cooking (dad cooks on a Saturday)

Even my in laws still go out at 96 and 93. (Not driving) and cook all the time.

@CMOTDibbler

All I can advise, if you don't want to reduce contact, is to do a bingo card of stuff they have a dig about or say, so you can do a mental bingo! moment when this stuff is said, and it really does take the sting out of it. When we were going through a very difficult time with the PILs, dh and I made up actual cards and would tick them off when we had to go and visit and whoever got a line/full house got to choose dinner when we left. FIL would come out with some snark, and I'd be internally going 'yes! I've got that' and laughing inside.

This is amazing in so many situations! I will remember this.

@PanamaPattie

Why do you visit them?

I have gone no contact before twice and I don't know what is most stressful . There was added stress of flying monkeys in the family. It seems that certain people cannot be called out .

Also, my dad is getting quite frail so there is also fact something could happen and don't know how I'd cope with that.

Thanks everyone, every one of your replies mean so much x

@CookPassBabtridge I got it from a self help book years ago. They also suggested making up 'games' like 'skating on thin ice' where you count the number of times Aunty X gets too close to family taboo subjects, or 'scratched record' for those who come back to the same thing over and over. Great for things like Christmas where you have lots of people to deal with

I've commented on your previous threads, it's their choice to live where they do and up to them to manage their transport issues. You don't have to feel guilty about their decisions, it's not as if you've forced them to live there. They could move, use community transport or a taxi. You can't control what she says but you can control how you react to it. "How lovely" That's nice" You don't say" Repeat as many times as you need to. The other option is to leave whenever driving comes up, pick up your coat and bag and go. It has been talked to death, the answer is "no" and you don't have to listen to it any more.

They can't actually make you learn to drive, you're not a child any more and they can't send you to bed with no supper. The worst that can happen is that they stop talking to you and how bad would that be?

You could always lie - “I have a medical condition which means I’m not allowed to drive” followed up with “I don’t discuss my medical details with anyone apart from my GP”.

My mum has never driven herself so has a bit of a cheek to be insisting I drive when I don't feel comfortable, and have 3 young kids (2 with additional needs) to look after as well as deal with her behaviour.

This is just one more “issue” in a lifetime of dysfunction. There will be many more to continue to grind you down.

You have a lot on your plate. Your DCs need you to be bright, attentive, calm and peaceful so that they reach their emotional development potential. You need space in your life to find moments of joy and contentment. The relationship with your parents is polluting and draining you of achieving either. Don’t let them take any more from you.

I would step back and look at the bigger picture. I would prioritise your own inner healing (from the emotional damage they have done to you). You could seek professional support to to build your own identity and boundaries. You need time and space to do this. You have given more than enough. Withdraw a little or a lot. Emotionally detach from them in your head. When you feed triggered by their words notice that feeling of crushing feeling of belittling and work to it having less impact - either by your mindset, reducing contact and/or stating boundaries with consequences. “If you say/do x once more - I will leave” Then follow through with actions - don’t waste your words.

They shouldn’t be preoccupying your headspace - it’s draining and it crowds out your life of other positive and radiant experiences you should be having with others.

I do hope that you can see your self worth and can detach and withdraw enough to allow you some pleasure and comfort in your life. You have to be the one setting your own boundaries because they are not capable of respect.

I would develop a condition that means you can't drive (narcolepsy?). Such a shame as you were so looking forward to getting a car and being at their beck and call........

I work far less than my Mum realises because I just had to put some boundaries in place. I love her but it really was the only way to stop the manipulative comments. Nothing else seemed to work.

Are they offering to pay for the lessons and buy and maintain the car OP?
If they're not you can just say I can't afford it.
On another note, you shouldn't have to learn to drive for them but it can be very liberating. I hated driving and it took me ages to pass my test then I barely drove again for 20 years. I started driving again a few years ago, forcing myself over the phobia and it's brilliant now. So don't discount it on your own part. PM me if you want.

You could try agreeing with them when they start down the 'after all I've done for you...' 'Yes, I guess I'm just a terrible daughter.'

It's hard when they get to the point where driving has to stop. But you can't drive them around.

@MereDintofPandiculation

You could always lie - “I have a medical condition which means I’m not allowed to drive” followed up with “I don’t discuss my medical details with anyone apart from my GP”.

It really is a bad idea to make up lies. Also, it's unkind here, as the DPs will be worried about her unnecessarily. Also, the lie will be found out when they ask other people if she's ill. (Or she'll have to lie to them too.) In short, it's a bad idea to lie unless you really, really have to.

Have they even offered to pay for lessons and a car?

If they had, I'd take them up on the offer.
Then still not drive them anywhere. Fuck 'em.

It really is a bad idea to make up lies. Also, it's unkind here, as the DPs will be worried about her unnecessarily. Also, the lie will be found out when they ask other people if she's ill. (Or she'll have to lie to them too.) In short, it's a bad idea to lie unless you really, really have to. It is in general, but it's an option to be considered. As to being unkind there's not a lot of evidence that DM will be worried about her health, and she isn't showing much reciprocal kindness.

Sometimes you have got to put yourself first and cut the ties. As other posters have pointed out you have enough on your place with DCs who have additional needs.

Children to not ASK to be born into this world and parents who seek to morally blackmail their offspring by citing "all I have done for you" are beyond the pale.

This could almost be my young womanhood! Especially the jibes (mostly because I had chosen to remain child-free) whereas my golden princess sister had presented them with two fine grandchildren!

Like you I never learned to drive or felt comfortable driving. I have bad panic attacks and would certainly not be "safe" to drive a car on todays roads. I did once have a series of lessons but had to take tranquilisers before and after each lesson. Living in a large city I have always had the advantage of an adequate bus service or the money for a taxi.

I moved away from my home city to go back into education and was glad I did not drive. That left my golden princess sister to cope with my hypochondriac mother which she endlessly complained about. I often felt that it was karma paying her back for the years when she twisted and manipulated the relationship with my parents and earned me many a whalluping.

I eventually went NC with my parents. After they died I rebuilt my relationship with the wider family - cousins, nieces and nephews - but there is still a coldness between my sister and I which will probably remain.