Increasingly toxic situation, what can I do?

[starryeyed13]

Sorry, this may be a long post. It’s taken a long time to pluck up the courage to write this. Thank you in advance if you manage to get to the end. I’ve been bottling things up for a long time and think I’m almost at breaking point.

I know reading the below doesn’t reflect well on my parents, but if anyone responds please try not to be too critical of them. Neither of them are perfect but they are the only family I have and they have been amazing parents to me. I feel so lucky to still have them.

I’m in my mid 30s and an only child. My parents are both early 70s and have no other family left. I adore them both, but am starting to realise they have become very dependent on me over the past few years and I can’t see that changing. I now have my own baby and am worried that I am not giving her enough attention as I am constantly worrying about them or travelling up to see them.

They had quite an unhappy marriage, but in 2012 my Mum had an accident and my Dad had to care for her for a short while. Subsequently she has experienced ongoing healthy and mobility problems. My Dad is diabetic and has numerous other health conditions. He has declined to the point he is now virtually bedbound and incontinent. For the past 10 years I have lived and worked 2 hours away. Up until last year I visited them virtually every weekend and often one night midweek. They’ve both had numerous spells in hospital and more often than not I would do a 3/4 hour round trip after work every day to visit one of them in hospital. Although they were both successful professional people, they have been finding things very difficult to organise. They have no friends or other support close to where they live. They do now have a carer coming in 4 times a day to help care for my Dad, but my Mum is responsible for the rest of the time. They are not eligible for any kind of local authority support and I had to argue with them for months to get them to agree to carers coming in. In the past few months they have been through I think 3 or 4 care agencies as there have been issues with all of them.

We have tried getting some kind of support from social services but they haven’t been able to offer anything. I’ve looked into daytime clubs etc for my parents but due to their mobility issues I haven’t been able to find anything suitable.

My Mum was an alcoholic and has been drinking in secret as she is finding it difficult to cope. On a daily basis one or the other of them will be complaining about the other and how hard they are finding it. I have suggested they consider a live in carer (both are adamant that they don’t wish to go into a care home) but they refuse due to the costs and they are worried it will wipe out my inheritance. I have pointed out I would rather them have a better quality of life than any inheritance, but they won’t listen. I have also suggested they consider moving closer to me but my Mum is very stuck in her ways. We have had a few real scares in the past couple of years with my Dad and I honestly don’t know how much more his body can take, but I want them to be as comfortable as possible.

I work in a professional job and even working part time I am doing 50 hours per week. During the week I spend an hour a day on the phone to them FaceTiming so they can see my daughter as I feel this keeps them going - they have nothing else. The other day my Dad complained we had only called for 20 minutes as my daughter ended up going to bed early as she was tired. I think they have just totally lost sight of the fact I have my own life, to the point I feel guilty about doing anything for myself. Almost every weekend I am still going to see them, taking my 1 year old too, and frankly I am exhausted.

My Husband has been extremely supportive and loves my parents very much, but he is starting to become frustrated as our time as a new family is quite limited due to me still going up to help them most weekends (my husband isn’t always able to come with us due to work) I am so so conscious that my parents will not be here forever and am desperate to spend as much time with them and help as much as I can, but I really don’t know what I can do other than carry on. They do often tell me not to come and visit them, but when I don’t I can tell they get depressed and argue more with each other (on one occasion recently my Dad called the police because my Mum had hit him). I appreciate this is just a thoroughly toxic situation and I just feel so much guilt that I can’t just uproot my job etc and go and live nearer to them.

I can’t just cut then off, and I don’t see any way I can reduce the support I give them, but does anyone have any tips or strategies they can suggest? Thank you for reading and sorry for the length of the post.

Your family and child has to take prio over your parents. Sorry but that’s how it is. You simply can’t go every weekend to look after them. You have a child of your own now to look after.

You’re going to have to find another solution, but what you’re doing isn’t
Realistic for the long term.

I can suggest hiring a private nurse or live in carer.

Thank you for replying. I know it’s not sustainable. The thought that keeps going through my head is that my parents won’t be here forever, but I will always be here for my daughter. But I know that’s not fair or right. Just wish I could split myself in two :(

I think you are going to make yourself ill as things are only going to get worse and you sound exhausted.
They tell you want they DON'T want, no live in carer, no care homes and no moving house. Fine, so what is their solution?
They must know the situation can't continue. I think you need to be honest with them, you want quality family time with DD and DH - just like THEY (DM and DF) had when you were small.They seem to have lost sight of your family's needs and wants and expect you to put them first which unfair.
Set some boundaries, 'I can't come next weekend as DD is going to the swimming pool, so I will drop by the weekend after'.
As long as you drop everything for them, the situation will never change.

Would they consider moving into a supported living scheme...they're not care homes but rather an individual flat in a building where there is a 24hr care team. There are usually other facilities in the scheme like cafes / social areas / organised activities. I know it's a huge step moving from their home but it could provide the company, support and care that they would benefit from and give you some time with your family

www.ageuk.org.uk/information-advice/care/housing-options/assisted-living-and-extra-care-housing/

AgeUk are also an excellent resource / information point

Ask social services for an assessment.

This is an intolerable situation for all of you.
Your priority must be your daughter and husband as they are your future.
Your parents are being completely unreasonable in their demands on you .
There has to be compromise either with a live in carer or they need to live closer to you .
This can’t go on and I really, really feel for you but you are far too young to be spending these specials years as a new mum caring for your parents in such an intensive way. Good luck x

I am surprised that social services have been of no help. They are both "vulnerable adults" and as such entitled to a proper assessment of their needs and advice as to how these might be met. SSD cannot simply have nothing to offer - that is not an option. The fact that your parents might have to pay for their own care because of the extent of their assets is irrelevant. They still have a duty to ensure your parents have adequate care.

If they are refusing care on the grounds that you will lose your inheritance, this makes things difficult. You need to be totally clear with them that you are finding it hard to cope with the worry of them not having care as well as bringing up your baby. Tell them that refusing care is making your life miserable - lay it on the line. Do not protect them from this reality. If you do they will have an excuse to still refuse care.

Having said that I have to warn you that live-in care is usually pretty unsatisfactory - do not believe the agencies' rosy stories.

If they will not play ball, then you have to prioritise - your baby will change by the minute and both you and baby will miss out. Tell your parents this - tell them you love them and want to do your best for them but that you need them to cut you a bit of slack and let you enjoy your baby's early years.

Hard, I know, but you do them no favours by protecting them from reality.

You must create some space for yourself and your husband and child. They are your first responsibility.

You are () unfortunately enabling your parents to stay in a toxic situation.

You need to establish what you can do- visit every other weekend, Saturday morning to Sunday evening. You and your DH could take turns FaceTiming with your dd and them. Work out a sustainable package- this is a marathon not a sprint. Explain to them you love them and will visit regularly but are making yourself ill and unhappy so must do things differently.

And then stick to it. There will be emergencies. You must let them happen so they can sort it out. They need to accept other arrangements are inevitable and plan those changes instead of relying on you to help them stave it off.

@starryeyed13

This is a hard truth.

You were not born to pay your parents back for raising you. You’re not obligated to care for them every weekend. Of course we look after our parents because we love them. but it can’t be at the expense of your well-being and that of your child.

Your child comes first. If they are against a live in nurse or carer then they will have to do it on their own.

What is going to happen is that you’re going to run yourself down to the ground so you won’t be able to even look after your own child.

It might not work with your parents but I did tell my parents that once they become unable to care for themselves they will live with me or one of my siblings and our families or they can have a live in nurse. But they will not be living unassisted and on their own at all once they can’t look after themselves. I wasn’t asking them and my siblings and I all agreed that we aren’t asking them. We made the decision and if they did not want to live with one of us the only option was a live in 24/7 nurse. But they will not be living on their own once they cannot look after themselves. This is far away for
My parents, but my siblings and I were less willing to give options. They have only 2. And there is no negotiating on that. No one allowed to say we don’t want this form of care. Sometimes adult children have to make the decision for elderly parents. I think you might be in that position here. You’re going to have to make the decision for them.

Your parents are unable to care for themselves, so you have to find a solution. And that very well could mean they have a live in nurse. They aren’t in any position to turn down help as they can’t look after themselves any longer.

I know you want to be kind and fair. But you have to be kind and fair to yourself. Just reading what you are doing made me exhausted.

What help do you think your parents need? Is it practical help with caring for your dad and general housework or is it the emotional support of someone else for them to talk to ? The current carers won't have time to do much other than deal with your dad's hygiene. There are private care agencies everywhere that provide an array of services such as housekeeping and companions. Would it help if you got a "housekeeper" in every day? You'd need to discuss the situation with the care agency so they know the score and get the right staff. To get them a foot in the door, you could tell mum and you won't be available for 4 weeks - holiday/training course/other excuse,and it would put your mind at rest if there were someone coming in to help with the heavy housework,tell mum it's absurd she is trying to keep up with that as well as caring for dad. I recommend you have a phone malfunction so you can't FaceTime for that 4 weeks too and any phone calls go to your husband.It should help your nerves knowing that there is a responsible adult spending time with them each day.Going forward it might help with the phone calls if you have something practical to discuss. I had success doing the online grocery shop . You can stretch this to three phone calls a week. Another trick with phone calls is to call at random times for short periods with a piece of information - e.g. first thing in the morning reminding them of the grocery delivery slot. You have my deepest sympathy. Lots of children wind up spending 20 hours a week simply arranging and emotionally supporting tractable parents who live nearby.

I get it. My dad deteriorated badly after my mum's death and I, like you, lived two hours away and had a full time job and a child. I wasn't going as often as you, but it was a huge strain. I am also an only child and social services often just assume family members live round the corner.

You must make yourself, as well as your daughter, a higher priority. This isn't much of a life for you. You say you'll always be there for your daughter, but this could go on for years yet and her toddler years will have disappeared. Not fair on either of you.

It's very common for elderly parents to insist that they don't want help, they don't want to move etc and you then feel unable to disagree. That's all very well - I know this sounds harsh but honestly, I've been there - but they can't see that it's asking too much. They imagine they don't need as much help as they do. But they do. I came round in time to the idea that I was actually doing right by my dad in making him accept carers and so on, because he couldn't make the best decisions for himself anymore (dementia) so it was my duty to do that for him. It's still guilt inducing but it's what is better for everyone. Your parents aren't happy with their life now, are they? So even if they say they'll be unhappy if things change, at least they'd be safe, clean and cared for. They may in time accept it more happily too than you think.

You have more power here than you think. You can and must cut down the running around. Tell them your daughter needs you more and you'll keep up a certain level of contact but they have to listen and take your ideas on board about better care for them. If they won't compromise, you'll have to leave them to sort themselves out because it will make you ill otherwise.

Call social services again. They are primed to fob you off. You will need to be very persistent and insist that they cannot manage, you're not local and their safety is at risk. Arrange a new assessment. If they have savings above around £14'K they'll have to pay, but if they own the house they can stay in it without saving to sell. This is why assisted living is a good option as @ticktock19 said. Near you would be good - start researching places and be super persuasive about how nice they'll be, how when they're down the road you'll be able to pop in so easily with DD.

Happy to talk about this more. I do really understand the guilt you feel. My parents were lovely people too.

What exactly are you doing for them? Df has his carers, dm doesn't sound as if she needs them. An hour a day on FaceTime? There every weekend? Doing what? Just entertaining them?

I'm sorry but really this is wildly abnormal and detrimental to your own child and marriage. Identify what you are doing and cut down on it. FaceTime every other day (what on earth do you talk about???) visit every other weekend, whatever.

This must be very stressful and has to stop, I am also surprised that you say social services are no help. Tbh it sounds as if your df needs to be placed in a nursing home, certainly not supported living as that is for more physically able people.

You were not born to pay your parents back for raising you. You’re not obligated to care for them every weekend
this

You are really caught between a rock and a hard place at the moment, but this comment really stood out for me:
on one occasion recently my Dad called the police because my Mum had hit him
What happened? What action did the police take? If they are arguing to the point that she is becoming physically aggressive towards him then that cannot be allowed to continue. He is in an incredibly vulnerable situation.

The other day my Dad complained we had only called for 20 minutes as my daughter ended up going to bed early as she was tired. I think they have just totally lost sight of the fact I have my own life, to the point I feel guilty about doing anything for myself
If you allow them they will consume you completely and then clamber over your withered body to find someone else to look after them

This sounds very stressful for you, and also high risk for them.

Imagine for a minute that something happens to you and you're hospitalised, in a coma, whatever - you basically can't do anything for them. Who will pick up the pieces?

You need to work towards getting enough support in place so that it doesn't all fall to you. Then mebbe you will be able to actually enjoy the time you have left with them better as well.

My MIL refused carers. She expected her kids to cook/clean/garden/entertain so they got SS involved.
You need to use words like at risk and vulnerable.
Because she had early Alzheimer’s and had been prescribed a certain drug, she needed someone to watch her take it, but she refused to take it and have carers. That’s when SS got involved and forced carers on her. The whole situation continued to deteriorate despite carers twice a day.
We are 4 years down the line now and SS are doing what they should have done in the first place, they are going through the process of forcing her into care.

Something that can help is framing it in such a way that they are heroic for accepting help, rather than for battling on.

You want them to think
'We've decided to get more help/move to supported living because little Starry's daughter needs her'
Instead of
'We're bravely managing here with the minimum of help, we don't want to be a burden, we'll manage staying here in the home we've always had' etc...

I'm also struck by this comment: I work in a professional job and even working part time I am doing 50 hours per week. There is no way you should be doing 25% more than full time hours on part time pay. I don't know about the sensitivities of your employment position, but this is not a situation that should continue.

they are going through the process of forcing her into care - SSD cannot do this without her consent, or with a section in place under the Mental Health Act.

This is a common dilemma - I was a SW and I can assure that often we had no powers to do what seemed the right thing.

@Mischance

they are going through the process of forcing her into care - SSD cannot do this without her consent, or with a section in place under the Mental Health Act.

This is a common dilemma - I was a SW and I can assure that often we had no powers to do what seemed the right thing.

It’s going to court, they are doing it.

Interesting - I wonder what the grounds are and which legislation they are using.

This isn’t fair on your husband and child OP. It’s ridiculous tbh.

Time to get tougher. Your parents will have to manage or accept help. And address the work situation too You come across as lovely ...but a doormat.