Increasingly toxic situation, what can I do?

[starryeyed13]

Sorry, this may be a long post. It’s taken a long time to pluck up the courage to write this. Thank you in advance if you manage to get to the end. I’ve been bottling things up for a long time and think I’m almost at breaking point.

I know reading the below doesn’t reflect well on my parents, but if anyone responds please try not to be too critical of them. Neither of them are perfect but they are the only family I have and they have been amazing parents to me. I feel so lucky to still have them.

I’m in my mid 30s and an only child. My parents are both early 70s and have no other family left. I adore them both, but am starting to realise they have become very dependent on me over the past few years and I can’t see that changing. I now have my own baby and am worried that I am not giving her enough attention as I am constantly worrying about them or travelling up to see them.

They had quite an unhappy marriage, but in 2012 my Mum had an accident and my Dad had to care for her for a short while. Subsequently she has experienced ongoing healthy and mobility problems. My Dad is diabetic and has numerous other health conditions. He has declined to the point he is now virtually bedbound and incontinent. For the past 10 years I have lived and worked 2 hours away. Up until last year I visited them virtually every weekend and often one night midweek. They’ve both had numerous spells in hospital and more often than not I would do a 3/4 hour round trip after work every day to visit one of them in hospital. Although they were both successful professional people, they have been finding things very difficult to organise. They have no friends or other support close to where they live. They do now have a carer coming in 4 times a day to help care for my Dad, but my Mum is responsible for the rest of the time. They are not eligible for any kind of local authority support and I had to argue with them for months to get them to agree to carers coming in. In the past few months they have been through I think 3 or 4 care agencies as there have been issues with all of them.

We have tried getting some kind of support from social services but they haven’t been able to offer anything. I’ve looked into daytime clubs etc for my parents but due to their mobility issues I haven’t been able to find anything suitable.

My Mum was an alcoholic and has been drinking in secret as she is finding it difficult to cope. On a daily basis one or the other of them will be complaining about the other and how hard they are finding it. I have suggested they consider a live in carer (both are adamant that they don’t wish to go into a care home) but they refuse due to the costs and they are worried it will wipe out my inheritance. I have pointed out I would rather them have a better quality of life than any inheritance, but they won’t listen. I have also suggested they consider moving closer to me but my Mum is very stuck in her ways. We have had a few real scares in the past couple of years with my Dad and I honestly don’t know how much more his body can take, but I want them to be as comfortable as possible.

I work in a professional job and even working part time I am doing 50 hours per week. During the week I spend an hour a day on the phone to them FaceTiming so they can see my daughter as I feel this keeps them going - they have nothing else. The other day my Dad complained we had only called for 20 minutes as my daughter ended up going to bed early as she was tired. I think they have just totally lost sight of the fact I have my own life, to the point I feel guilty about doing anything for myself. Almost every weekend I am still going to see them, taking my 1 year old too, and frankly I am exhausted.

My Husband has been extremely supportive and loves my parents very much, but he is starting to become frustrated as our time as a new family is quite limited due to me still going up to help them most weekends (my husband isn’t always able to come with us due to work) I am so so conscious that my parents will not be here forever and am desperate to spend as much time with them and help as much as I can, but I really don’t know what I can do other than carry on. They do often tell me not to come and visit them, but when I don’t I can tell they get depressed and argue more with each other (on one occasion recently my Dad called the police because my Mum had hit him). I appreciate this is just a thoroughly toxic situation and I just feel so much guilt that I can’t just uproot my job etc and go and live nearer to them.

I can’t just cut then off, and I don’t see any way I can reduce the support I give them, but does anyone have any tips or strategies they can suggest? Thank you for reading and sorry for the length of the post.

OP sorry to be so harsh but -

Your parents won’t be around forever but neither will you and no one knows just how long their lifespan is.
My friend aged 60 has just had the funeral for his 97 year old father - the same father whose health was failing from his early sixties, hadn’t much longer left but frankly ruined his kids youth and middle age by making them run around after him constantly.
Hard though it is to contemplate do not waste your youth and precious family time running around after your stubborn parents. You don’t get those years back.
Their options are social services assessment, then live in carers or sheltered accommodation. You must scale back your input significantly for the sake of your own family.

PS They aren’t bothered about preserving your inheritance. The truth is people become very selfish when they get older - they just want things to continue as they are …

Looking in from the outside OP, I think the posters above have it right.

You are the adult only-child of an alcoholic parent. It sounds like you’ve been trained from childhood to accommodate your parents needs over your own. I know you don’t want to hear ill of your parents, but alcoholics and their enabling spouses can be deeply, deeply selfish, and it sounds like this is now amplified by the situation they find themselves in.

The fact that you so casually say that your mum hit your dad and he called the police makes me wonder what else you think is normal? I mean, that is a massive, massive red flag for me. Also, you say that your Mum ‘was’ an alcoholic and is currently drinking in secret and - presumably- behaving erratically. That means she is an alcoholic and her illness is continuing to impact their lives, and her ability to care for your dad.

As a pp asks, what is your role here? What do the carers do for your dad - presumably personal care like washing, dressing etc. What about the shopping / cooking / housework? What about life admin - paying the bills etc? Are you basically providing distraction and entertainment for them?

It sounds really tough, and you’ve had a lifetime of being trained into the role of peacemaker between them. But they don’t get to dump the consequences of their own poor choices on you - unless you keep letting them.

You need support to put boundaries up.
I know what you are going through. I sought help from a counsellor and it was absolutely brilliant for me.

Can you go to see a counsellor? You sound like you feel obligated towards your parents all the time. You can’t keep going like this, your actions are having an impact on your daughter. She is seeing less of you because your parents are eating up all your energy.

If you could seek support from a counsellor, your gp can recommend one for you, this will really help you to prioritise your young family.

What would happen if you got pregnant now and had to go on bed rest ? How would your parents manage? You need to act like this is a possibility as your own family need you too and this could go on for 20 years.

I know it’s hard for you but there is support there if you ask for it and it could change your life. The very best of wishes to you.

You can’t keep going like this, your actions are having an impact on your daughter. She is seeing less of you because your parents are eating up all your energy.

And she is watching and learning from you all the time, as you prioritise your parents wishes over everything else, as you push your own life to the side to continue to enable your mum's drinking and your dad's need for distraction (and protection). Do you want her to learn that this is the right way to live? I don't believe for a minute that you'd want her to grow up to do what you are doing now. So you have to show her how you do want her to grow up. Children learn from what they see.

They aren’t bothered about preserving your inheritance
Rrrrrr, I completely agree with your post and the spirit of what you say here, but would like to add that they are not concerned about preserving your inheritance for your benefit rather they want to use the prospect of an inheritance as a bauble to dangle in front of you to incentivise you to comply with their wishes and act in accordance with their interests.
The inheritance acts as a carrot to distract the donkey from the stick with which they are beating him or her🐴

on one occasion recently my Dad called the police because my Mum had hit him

What happened as a result of this? Did the police attend? This should have been an immediate referral to Adult Safeguarding as a Vulnerable Adult - if the care agency are aware the situation is like this in the house they should have done this themselves but often don't

This situation is untenable and your parents are manipulating you into propping it up.

I'd suggest withdrawing as your child needs you and contacting Social Services reporting that your father is vulnerable due to being bedbound and having been hit by your mother. Get the professionals to sort it out.