Helping an older parent find some purpose in life

[cheeseismydownfall]

Hello, this is my first time posting on this board.

My mother is mid-70s and in relatively good health, but is becoming increasingly depressed, and I think the problem at the heart of everything is that she no longer has any sense of purpose, or that feeling of being needed. She isn't the easiest person to be around - she is quite introverted and can be socially awkward, and doesn't really have many friends (there is a big backstory here involving her own childhood and an awful marriage to my father that is too long to go in to).

I guess her most fulfilled period of her life was when my siblings and I were young children, and then again when she was very involved when my DC were young. That has changed now (partly due to them getting older and no longer needing looking after, partly because I have had to detach because of feeling very claustrophobic at her involvement in our lives - as I said, she isn't an easy person at all, and I have a lot of unresolved anger over some of her appalling behaviour over the years).

She doesn't help herself - she is very critical of people and the list of things she doesn't like is much bigger than the list of things she enjoys. She also doesn't drive, which is very limiting ( she has complained about for decades but wouldn't do anything about, and now clearly it is too late).

So, with that backstory, what might I be able to suggest that could give her some fulfilment? Things that have been ruled out include:

• pets / animals
• anything involving children (she doesn't like other people's children)
• cooking
• art/craft activities
• anything requiring her to put herself out there (too introvert)
• anything that can't be accessed via limited rural bus service
• anything needing a high degree of IT literacy - she can do the basics but gets flustered
• anything involving 'old people' - e.g. coach tours etc

Things she does enjoy, up to a point

• science, history, literature, good TV
• walking (although this is getting harder due to health)
• travel (but she won't do solo travel - perhaps I could apply some pressure here though)

God, its hopeless isn't it? Does anyone have any ideas? I am struggling with the pressure of my family being her only source of meaning, and although my relationship with her is difficult I would of course love to see her happier.

A pen pal? There's organizations that pair older people with pen pals. She could choose how much she reveals about herself and how often she replies.

Gardening. If she doesn't have her own garden could she get some houseplants that need tending to regularly?

Swimming might be a good alternative if walking is becoming more difficult.

Online excercise classes or talks about subjects that interest her. She wouldn't need to have her camera on.

Volunteering in the back of a charity shop, sorting donations.

Puzzle or adult colouring books.

Would she enjoy researching her family tree?

Scrapbooking. She could create one for each of her children and grandchildren with photos and mementos of their lives.

Does she want to change or do you want to change her?
It sounds like she needs to be genuinely needed.

You say she is becoming more depressed. Is this diagnosed depression that is being treated or your perception of her manner? Maybe if she's agreeable, a check up with her GP to rule out anything physical and the check any medications are at the right level.

If your children are old enough to have a relationship with her separate from you, perhaps encourage that. Do they have interests that she can engage with them in, or are there life skills that she can teach them?

Online history classes?

Graham Norton is just launching a book club podcast. Could you help her access it? She would be doing something but no need to interact with people.

You can suggest things, but you cannot and should not try to be responsible for making her happy. It sounds like she is a fairly negative person who will never be bursting with joy and satisfaction in life no matter what you or anyone else do to help her.

It sounds like where she lives is a big part of the problem, if she cannot drive. I presume she would not consider moving to somewhere with better transport and local activities? Possibly a retirement flat complex?

My MiL moved to a bungalow in a cul-de-sac with lots of other retired people after being widowed in her 70s and it worked brilliantly for her: friendly people at the same stage of life keen to join local activities, and since she has been no longer able to drive (eyesight), the slightly younger ones have given her lifts and helped with shopping.

Just to add - one thing my MiL (and my late FiL) got involved in was U3A (university of the third age). It sounds like that might by your mother's sort of thing if there is anything going on locally?

www.u3a.org.uk

Second U3A. And/or an allotment.

Clubs, walking group - things where you do something so it's not just all sitting around directly talking. If she is even vaguely religious, churches can be a great source of activities in the local community.
Travel (including coach tours!) was one way my DM made friends as a widow, u3a another.

@cheeseismydownfall

Hello, this is my first time posting on this board.

My mother is mid-70s and in relatively good health, but is becoming increasingly depressed, and I think the problem at the heart of everything is that she no longer has any sense of purpose, or that feeling of being needed. She isn't the easiest person to be around - she is quite introverted and can be socially awkward, and doesn't really have many friends (there is a big backstory here involving her own childhood and an awful marriage to my father that is too long to go in to).

I guess her most fulfilled period of her life was when my siblings and I were young children, and then again when she was very involved when my DC were young. That has changed now (partly due to them getting older and no longer needing looking after, partly because I have had to detach because of feeling very claustrophobic at her involvement in our lives - as I said, she isn't an easy person at all, and I have a lot of unresolved anger over some of her appalling behaviour over the years).

She doesn't help herself - she is very critical of people and the list of things she doesn't like is much bigger than the list of things she enjoys. She also doesn't drive, which is very limiting ( she has complained about for decades but wouldn't do anything about, and now clearly it is too late).

So, with that backstory, what might I be able to suggest that could give her some fulfilment? Things that have been ruled out include:

• pets / animals
• anything involving children (she doesn't like other people's children)
• cooking
• art/craft activities
• anything requiring her to put herself out there (too introvert)
• anything that can't be accessed via limited rural bus service
• anything needing a high degree of IT literacy - she can do the basics but gets flustered
• anything involving 'old people' - e.g. coach tours etc

Things she does enjoy, up to a point

• science, history, literature, good TV
• walking (although this is getting harder due to health)
• travel (but she won't do solo travel - perhaps I could apply some pressure here though)

God, its hopeless isn't it? Does anyone have any ideas? I am struggling with the pressure of my family being her only source of meaning, and although my relationship with her is difficult I would of course love to see her happier.

I feel your pain here - my DM (78) is similar but does also not do people at all (again childhood issues here) so my Dad will have hobbies and volunteer - she won't!

But the one thing she likes is doing the family tree!

Get her on the local parish council.

A book group?

@cheeseismydownfall look for the local U3A they tend to have a big monthly meeting which she may not want to go to but they also have 20-30 smaller interest groups attached. Walking, scrabble, history, languages, pub lunches etc. These groups are much smaller and obviously everyone has a common interest. Not expensive to join either. People are generally 60's plus and on the more active side of older people.

Singing? Would she join a choir?

Would she move somewhere where she isn't dependent on rural transport? I always think the country is the last place you'd want to be as you get older.
But does she want a purpose in life? Or does she get more pleasure from grumbling about not having one?

There is also an organisation called WEA (workers educational association) which does part time courses. I did an art class years ago when I was a sahm & most of the group were retired. Obviously what will be available locally may vary...

I suspect that any suggestions you make will be rebuffed OP. I don’t think you’ll change her. Let her live her life in her own way. Keep your distance if you feel claustrophobic, just visit and ring when you can.

And her rurality and lack of tech skills will mean that lots of suggestions here are impractical anyway.

Another vote for U3A.

Learning to use an iPad, shop online, write a blog, do her banking online, join Gransnet, search for somewhere new to live etc.

My MIL enjoys researching and documenting her family history.

Following as have a similar concern op, it’s hard to know what to suggest and I’m feeling the pressure at the level of involvement but as a previous poster said you can’t be responsible for her happiness, that has to come from her. I’ve recently tried a bit of a push with that in my situation and it did create stress and I was blamed but it made me feel better rather than just struggling on, kind of cleared the air a little bit I think but remains to be seen if any changes in behaviour occur, the social awkwardness thing resonated with me, mine definitely has that but would deny it entirely, so probably solitary activities at home would be best to suggest if rural location precludes visits to art gallery, castle or museum? Volunteering at a food bank or charity shop but not customer facing maybe an option?

From the list you’ve posted, it doesn’t look like anything is going to appeal to her. It sounds like you’ve had a lifetime of being responsible for her happiness. It’s really not your job or your responsibility to make her happy.

My advice would be a large step back. This is very hard to do, to go against a lifetime of training, but she’s clearly not going to change, and the only actions you have control over are your own.

U3A, Ramblers, Ox Cont Ed online courses, volunteering

Thank you everyone for your thoughtful replies, I really appreciate it. There are some great suggestions, but (at the risk of sounding as negative as my bloody mother) unfortunately most of them aren't realistic because, like @GreenClock said, living in a village and being dependant on buses makes things very difficult.

U3A would be perfect but she just can't get to any of the meetings - there is an active group in the local town which is only a few miles away, but the buses are infrequent and only run in the daytime, and the meetings she was interested in (she did look it up once before - she says) run in the evening.

A traumatic history means that researching her family tree definitely would be a non-starter, but great suggestion!

Religion - would be ideal because the village she is in has a church, and a lot of the social activity for the older inhabitants is based around it, but she staunchly doesn't believe.

Singing - she is tone deaf. Literally.

Book club - you'd think this would be a good one, but she doesn't like reading the sort of things 'other women her age' read, apparently.

Walking group - tried the local one, they are all a bit odd, apparently. Can't access other groups due to transport.

Swimming - leisure centre too hard to access by bus.

You see what I'm up against

The thing is, she isn't bored - she is actually quite good keeping herself busy at home on a day to day basis. And although I think she must feel some degree of loneliness, I don't think it is just about loneliness. Its more a loss of a higher sense of purpose - as @SnowdaySewday says, that feeling of being needed. And I feel guilty that I can't give her that feeling - I tried before and it became horribly enmeshed, it was awful.

This thread has been really helpful because it has really bought home how much her location is a barrier to participating in things that are better suited to her. She's always muttering about feeling 'stuck' where she is, but then throws up objections when I suggest doing something about it. I think the main problem is that she does quite like her little house, and moving into the (very desirable) market town would probably mean compromising on this because your money goes further in the nearby villages. She hasn't got much scope to downsize and a move would probably mean a flat without a garden (she does enjoy her small garden) or a less desirable estate which I don't think would be great for her.

Urgh. I know you are right and that I can't really do anything. But it is hard, isn't it?

BTW I am happy to throw money at the problem and pay for taxis to help her get to things but she has a 'thing' about spending money on taxis. At one point I even looked in to setting up an account with a local firm and crediting it every month but she didn't like that idea, even when I tried to explain that using a taxi a couple of times a month was still probably cheaper than most people spend running a car.

It is hard. I had the same with my mother. She would only be happy if either I was running around after her, or I could pick up her huge house and move it somewhere more appropriate - preferably near her other daughter.
Once I made the decision that I wasn’t responsible for her perceived happiness, it was a lot easier to shrug my shoulders, nod my head and do the stuff I was there for, whilst ignoring her moans. I didn’t stress about it, as that used up my time and headspace that should have been used in a way which benefitted me and my Dh.
Basically I wasn’t about to give her unhappiness any more free rent inside my head.

You’ve done your research and made suggestions. The rest is up to her.

Personally I have felt the same way as your mother. At 63 I'm no longer my mum's carer, the main breadwinner, or much needed to look after the kids who are grown up. No grandkids to help with. I volunteer and focus on enjoying what I love doing and telling myself I deserve some me time. But I've had weeks here and there of profound depression.

@purplewithred, I'm really sorry to hear that you have struggled with these feelings at times. It is very hard. I know I have painted quite a negative picture of my mother, and she certainly doesn't help herself, but the reality is that her feelings are very valid and I can see how even the most cheerful, optimistic person could really struggle with this transition from the constant whirlwind of mid-life to a sense of feeling almost surplus in older life.