Helping an older parent find some purpose in life

[cheeseismydownfall]

Hello, this is my first time posting on this board.

My mother is mid-70s and in relatively good health, but is becoming increasingly depressed, and I think the problem at the heart of everything is that she no longer has any sense of purpose, or that feeling of being needed. She isn't the easiest person to be around - she is quite introverted and can be socially awkward, and doesn't really have many friends (there is a big backstory here involving her own childhood and an awful marriage to my father that is too long to go in to).

I guess her most fulfilled period of her life was when my siblings and I were young children, and then again when she was very involved when my DC were young. That has changed now (partly due to them getting older and no longer needing looking after, partly because I have had to detach because of feeling very claustrophobic at her involvement in our lives - as I said, she isn't an easy person at all, and I have a lot of unresolved anger over some of her appalling behaviour over the years).

She doesn't help herself - she is very critical of people and the list of things she doesn't like is much bigger than the list of things she enjoys. She also doesn't drive, which is very limiting ( she has complained about for decades but wouldn't do anything about, and now clearly it is too late).

So, with that backstory, what might I be able to suggest that could give her some fulfilment? Things that have been ruled out include:

• pets / animals
• anything involving children (she doesn't like other people's children)
• cooking
• art/craft activities
• anything requiring her to put herself out there (too introvert)
• anything that can't be accessed via limited rural bus service
• anything needing a high degree of IT literacy - she can do the basics but gets flustered
• anything involving 'old people' - e.g. coach tours etc

Things she does enjoy, up to a point

• science, history, literature, good TV
• walking (although this is getting harder due to health)
• travel (but she won't do solo travel - perhaps I could apply some pressure here though)

God, its hopeless isn't it? Does anyone have any ideas? I am struggling with the pressure of my family being her only source of meaning, and although my relationship with her is difficult I would of course love to see her happier.

The more I think about it, the more I am recognising that this isn't just a case of needing some hobbies. It is more profound than that - a feeling of your life mattering, counting for something.

I suspect that you have spent a life time tap dancing to keep her happy.

She’s probably classed as a “High Conflict Personality” HCP - google that. It gets worse with age.

I would change your reaction to her to change the overall dynamic between you.

Don’t give her the opportunity to moan and burden YOU.

She has done this all her life. I suspect you are the last man standing?

Don’t waste your healthy years trying to change someone who has throughout their life taken active choices to be this way.

I suspect having a DM like this has left you a people pleaser and a bit of a door mat.

Don’t waste any more of your finite emotional energy on this futile and frustrating situation. Look at ways to liberate yourself from her so that you can focus your positivity on yourself and others who would value it.

Another vote for U3A. My mum loved it during her 70s. There were so many things on offer too.

I also think my mum went through a phase of being fed up of having to recognise that she was getting older at that age. As she’s got towards 80 and really slowed down she’s seemed more accepting of it and calmer.

U3A would be perfect but she just can't get to any of the meetings - there is an active group in the local town which is only a few miles away, but the buses are infrequent and only run in the daytime, and the meetings she was interested in (she did look it up once before - she says) run in the evening

Taxis? Or they are probably running classes and events online at the moment anyhow.

Couple of suggestions to add-
WI meetings
School governor
Open University courses
Local colleges also run community classes such as pottery and cookery and languages etc
Did you say she wouldn't be interested in animals or getting a pet? We have a local donkey sanctuary desperate for volunteers.
There are loads of things out there but it sounds like opportunities aren't really the main issue. It sounds very difficult for you and for her. Maybe it is more a bit of a grieving and transition period for her and she isn't yet ready to take action.

Does her village have a Village in bloom type group?

She is living the life she has chosen. Unfortunately she Will now reap the downside of choosing to stay in a village with poor transport, not learning to drive and refusing to pay for taxis. These are her choices and she will live her life accordingly.
It's not your responsibility to make her happy. Growing older should not be a surprise to any of us. I'd step back a little too. This will only get worse as she becomes older and frailer.
I'd stop paying for her taxis too. She lets you do that?! She needs to get used to paying for supportive services as she'll likely need very much more in the years to come.

Hope you are ok op, i think cptartapp makes a very good point in saying she is living the life she has chosen and will now feel the disadvantages of those choices, it isn’t your responsibility to fix those now, you have pointed out many solutions, she could have some humility and introspection and take those ideas up but sounds like she hasn’t so far yet still puts the onus on you to fix things, not your job though is it. Or you still feel you should be fixing them? Trouble is whatever you do or suggest probably isn’t enough or the right thing so next step is to extract yourself from that role and focus on your own needs and just do what you are comfortable with, easier said than done i know, I am currently attempting the same but feels much less stressful now I’ve realised I am not responsible for someone else’s happiness and not to feel guilty or end up mirroring the other persons emotions, seperate yourself if you can.

Religion - would be ideal because the village she is in has a church, and a lot of the social activity for the older inhabitants is based around it, but she staunchly doesn't believe. in that case, she shouldn’t have the pangs of uncomfortableness that comes with pretending for the sake of the social life.

Book club - you'd think this would be a good one, but she doesn't like reading the sort of things 'other women her age' read, apparently. Maybe she could try a young woman’s book club

More seriously Its more a loss of a higher sense of purpose Could she get involved in campaigning? Researching, writing letters for CPRE, 38degrees or similar? Or writing letters or phone those who are lonely for one reason or another?

Have you heard of Soroptomists? They are (mostly retired) professional women who are active in social issues. Currently most of the meetings are on Zoom, and are planning for continuing their supportive actions when things open up a bit.
www.soroptimistinternational.org/

Op, we are all responsible for our own happiness including your mother. You have made a multitude of suggestions already and none of them are right; too far, too many people, not the right type of people (children, elderly), too technical, etc. Nothing will be right for whatever reason.

She had decades to sort out learning to drive/moving somewhere more suitable and now she is reaping the rewards of that inaction. It is not up to you to solve the problem unless she decides to move and requests help.

We have had years of this with MIL. Nothing has changed and we have pretty much given up now. She too didn't have the best childhood and an unhappy marriage. She would like to live with us but I doubt even that would make her happy. After a lot of soul searching, DH has come to the conclusion that it is not his job to fix her. We've both had to grow a pretty thick skin and just solve practical problems as and when they arise.

I do feel sad for her in lots of ways but it has made me determined to get our ducks in a row so that we have a happier and healthier old age.

Over 70 year old here OP with sympathy for you and your mother.
I think the only thing she can realistically change here is where she lives. Access to U3A would then be easier and in my experience leads to lots of contacts and other groups.
It is important to find a sense of purpose as you get older; volunteering works for many, gardening for others - we are all different and need to find our own way, but isolation and lack of access to transport are major barriers.