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Elderly parents
Original poster

In laws refusing help and adaptations

33 replies

Zoomoff · 13/05/2021 12:30

PIL live in a house with an upstairs bathroom, no downstairs facilities. MIL can barely walk and FIL is carrying her up and down stairs. FIL is not in the best of health himself. They are refusing a stair lift and other adaptations to the house. DH and his siblings are at the end of their tether with them. They were difficult people when in good health - stubborn, their way or the highway type of people - and are just digging their heels in now and refusing any help. We think MIL is suffering depression. FIL has started going to the GP complaining of health issues that are affecting MIL not himself (he's saying that they are happening to him) but MIL won't go to the GP herself and apparently the GP won't do house visits now.

They've started locking themselves in the house and leaving the keys in the locks so that, even if we did have spare keys, we wouldn't be able to unlock the doors anyway. They do this because they're fed up of people (family) just calling in (always had an open door up til now). Obviously we're worried that there's going to be a fall or health issue.

Does anyone have any advice on who we could contact in this situation? Could DH as eldest child be given POA or similar so that he has the power to fit a stair lift and other adaptations?

Any advice would be gratefully received. Thanks

OP posts:
TippledPink · 13/05/2021 12:34

Unless you have concerns about their mental capacity it's up to them what they accept or don't accept, as frustrating as it is.

Power of Attorney would only be given to someone if your in-laws have capacity to give it to them and sign legal papers. Then whoever has Power of Attorney will only be able to make decisions once the in-laws lose capacity to make decisions.

WhoNeedsaManOfTheWorld · 13/05/2021 12:37

Do you think FIL is making the decisions for MIL and putting her in danger?
You could refer her to social services for safeguarding
If they both have capacity you can't do anything until there is a crisis. A hospital admission is often the trigger to sort it out

Original poster
Zoomoff · 13/05/2021 12:44

TippledPink that's what I thought. In a (semi) joking way, I've always doubted their mental capacity - they've always been the sort who could be given the same advice from several expert sources, and do the opposite because they won't be told to do something, much to their detriment. It's never been over something this serious before though.

OP posts:
Original poster
Zoomoff · 13/05/2021 12:48

WhoNeedsaManOfTheWorld FIL is the one that's in contact with social services (for the adaptations) and the GP but I don't know if he's making the decisions himself or if MIL doesn't want things changed and he's enabling her to be...in need of him? If that makes sense?

OP posts:
unfortunateevents · 13/05/2021 12:56

Your husband can't be "given" POA though and if your PILs are unwilling to engage with family over help and support they are very unlikely to engage with the process necessary for POA to be granted. Also it sounds as if they do have capacity to make decisions for themselves, they are just not making the ones which would help them!

Wafflewombat · 13/05/2021 13:12

Maybe get them assessed by the local social services or contact their GP? Very difficult if they're refusing tho.

The LPA is easy to do, it's online on the Government website. But it needs them to do it! Whilst they have capacity...

My in-laws are very reasonable but are refusing any efforts to get various issues assessed. They are struggling on...

WhoNeedsaManOfTheWorld · 13/05/2021 13:13

Why don't you refer MIL to social services. He is putting her at risk if he is carrying her up the stairs
She can then be assessed. If she refuses at least you tried

ThursdayWeld · 13/05/2021 13:15

As PPs said, they have to grant your DH, or whoever, LPA.

In cases like this often all anyone can do is wait for the inevitable crisis to happen.

picklemewalnuts · 13/05/2021 13:20

You can book a call with their GP and raise your concerns. They can signpost you to services, and make an appointment with their patients if they feel that would help. They will, obviously, be unable to give you any information. You could alert them to your FiL's tactic of getting advice (and medication?) for mil by pretending to have the ailment himself.

Sparkletastic · 13/05/2021 13:22

I think you may have to come to terms with their right to make (admittedly bad) decisions for themselves, however risky and potentially fatal those decisions are.

Wafflewombat · 13/05/2021 13:56

@Sparkletastic

I think you may have to come to terms with their right to make (admittedly bad) decisions for themselves, however risky and potentially fatal those decisions are.
I really struggle with this but it's so true. Otherwise, the defensive behaviour escalates.
Original poster
Zoomoff · 13/05/2021 21:23

Thanks for the replies everyone. It's such a frustrating situation. I do think the more the family goes on at them about accepting the adaptations, the more they'll dig their heels in. I just hope it won't come to a nasty fall (or worse) for them to see that we're only trying to help make life easier for them.

OP posts:
AChickenCalledDaal · 13/05/2021 21:31

I would contact social services and focus on the things that are putting them at risk. In particular the carrying upstairs and falsifying medical records, both of which could easily have a bad outcome. It's true that they may be regarded as having capacity to unwise decisions. But I would still want to make sure that those issues are highlighted.

Wafflewombat · 13/05/2021 21:32

Years ago, someone told me you have to wait for the accident or incident. You can drip feed things but telling them stuff doesn't work. I reverse it & I hate change & asking for help, so I get it but it's so hard.

Miasicarisatia · 13/05/2021 22:05

Are there any authority figures whom they will listen to?

TippledPink · 14/05/2021 14:32

I used to work in Triage Adult social services- the first question will be do you have consent from them to refer them? If not we would ask you go back and get their consent first before we would contact them. If you raise it as a safeguarding concern we would expect you to tell them that's what you are doing.

Unfortunately yes it normally takes a crisis like a nasty fall for people to accept support.

ElMacchiato · 15/05/2021 19:05

If raised as a safeguarding concern SW would have to act though tippled , whether the person had been told about it or Not!

DPotter · 15/05/2021 19:16

IME as long as a person can express an opinion, they will be seen to have capacity, even if their decisions are questionable.

The situation you describe is all too common and it's like watching a slow motion care crash and there is nothing you can do. I'm sorry you're in this situation - it's so sad when you can't help and yet can see they're struggling.

huuuuunnnndderrricks · 15/05/2021 19:19

I'd leave them to it tbh .. old people are such a pain in the bum sometimes and I say this with my own one !

TippledPink · 15/05/2021 23:32

@ElMacchiato Yes of course, but they will be telling them who made the safeguarding referral so that is why we advise you to tell them first!

DPotter · 16/05/2021 14:39

@TippledPink

That's very interesting to know Tipple that people are told who referred them with regard to safeguarding. Doesn't that fly in the face of GDPR, let alone, other safety concerns? It's also counter to the safeguarding training I've just done for work

I can see people being even more reluctant to report potential concerns if they are going to be named.

Original poster
Zoomoff · 16/05/2021 15:43

Things have escalated this weekend. MIL had a "turn" yesterday. Refused an ambulance as didn't want a fuss. DH and SIL went there and rang out of hours who did a phone consultation then told them to ring their surgery Monday to book a nurse to go out and take bloods. SIL will be telling the surgery everything (I hope). They do have a social worker but FIL will not give any details to DH or siblings. Meds aren't being taken regularly and FIL doesn't see the problem with doubling up twice a day medication. It does seem that a big part of their reluctance yesterday to call an ambulance is because if MIL has to stay in hospital then benefits will be stopped.

I don't think DH or his siblings give a toss anymore about going over the inlaws heads to social services or GP. I just hope SIL tells them the whole story, or what we know anyway.

OP posts:
Creweventus · 16/05/2021 15:55

@TippledPink @DPotter in our Local Authority I would asked first if I had informed the person before referring our our Safeguarding Hub if I was at work - if I hadn't I would have to do it before calling back. I've worked in the field for twenty years and it's always been like that.

If I was phoning out of work I wouldn't have to do this, I could just make a referral.

Creweventus · 16/05/2021 15:57

Sorry, Op, meant to say fingers crossed your SIL has a productive conversation with the GP.

aiwblam · 16/05/2021 21:54

The GP did nothing to help us with FIL. Basically you have to leave them to their desired course of action and just deal with the consequences as they arise. Sounds harsh, but it's the voice of bitter experience.