In laws refusing help and adaptations

[Zoomoff]

PIL live in a house with an upstairs bathroom, no downstairs facilities. MIL can barely walk and FIL is carrying her up and down stairs. FIL is not in the best of health himself. They are refusing a stair lift and other adaptations to the house. DH and his siblings are at the end of their tether with them. They were difficult people when in good health - stubborn, their way or the highway type of people - and are just digging their heels in now and refusing any help. We think MIL is suffering depression. FIL has started going to the GP complaining of health issues that are affecting MIL not himself (he's saying that they are happening to him) but MIL won't go to the GP herself and apparently the GP won't do house visits now.

They've started locking themselves in the house and leaving the keys in the locks so that, even if we did have spare keys, we wouldn't be able to unlock the doors anyway. They do this because they're fed up of people (family) just calling in (always had an open door up til now). Obviously we're worried that there's going to be a fall or health issue.

Does anyone have any advice on who we could contact in this situation? Could DH as eldest child be given POA or similar so that he has the power to fit a stair lift and other adaptations?

Any advice would be gratefully received. Thanks

I hope things improve but frankly I would keep low expectations. We had high hopes of a couple of interactions but nothing changed, or the next step was refused.

My parents are late 80’s. DF is currently in hospital after a fall. DM had a stairlift fit this week! Great idea as neither can manage stairs well and only toilet is upstairs.
It’s simple to operate but my DM just cannot seem to understand how it works.
This week she woke up and had totally forgotten how to get down so was ringing everyone she could saying she was trapped.
Then she went upstairs and forgot how to get down. She’s locked the door, with the keys in so we were unable to get in.
I live 50 miles away and cannot drop everything to go sort her.
I’ve written step by step instructions and stuck them to both top and bottom of the stairs.
I’ve stick arrows on the armrest telling her which way to move them. I’ve struck paper every way saying HOLD BUTTON UNTIL YOU MOVE’ because unfortunately when you press the button, there is approximately a 3 second delay. Because of this, she lets go and wiggles it.
I’m exasperated as we thought a stairlift was a good idea.
May I scream? No? I’ll just sob quietly in the corner 😓

Oh Born that is so frustrating. It does sound as if she's no longer capable of being on her own. Does she have a diagnosis of Dementia?

No she doesn’t. She is very switched in most of the time. Unfortunately she is waking very early and today got up at 3am. She rang my daughter at 4.50 am to say she still has her blue badge and they’d need it when parking at hospital.
I rang her at 8.30am and she’d already Easter the beef casserole I’d given her yesterday for today’s lunch. Not only that, but she’d made some delicious Yorkshire pudding to go with it 🤦‍♀️
I’ve spoken to my brother who is taking her to see my dad In hospital this afternoon and he’s going to read her the riot act. She’s very tearful. And tired! I told her she will be and she needs to check what time it is before calling anyone.

@Borntobeamum

My parents are late 80’s. DF is currently in hospital after a fall. DM had a stairlift fit this week! Great idea as neither can manage stairs well and only toilet is upstairs. It’s simple to operate but my DM just cannot seem to understand how it works. This week she woke up and had totally forgotten how to get down so was ringing everyone she could saying she was trapped. Then she went upstairs and forgot how to get down. She’s locked the door, with the keys in so we were unable to get in. I live 50 miles away and cannot drop everything to go sort her. I’ve written step by step instructions and stuck them to both top and bottom of the stairs. I’ve stick arrows on the armrest telling her which way to move them. I’ve struck paper every way saying HOLD BUTTON UNTIL YOU MOVE’ because unfortunately when you press the button, there is approximately a 3 second delay. Because of this, she lets go and wiggles it. I’m exasperated as we thought a stairlift was a good idea. May I scream? No? I’ll just sob quietly in the corner 😓

If people have cognitive problems stairlifts can be difficult for them to use. Also more dangerous as if they carry on using the stairs normally they are a trip hazard. Ideally, if space allows, have all facilities on the ground floor or move. If in council / housing sometimes there are incentives (£2/3k) to move from say a three bed semi to a 1/2 bed flat.

@Borntobeamum that must be such a worry. I have nothing useful to say but

I haven't updated in a while. MIL eventually had her bloods taken. Results showed an underactive thyroid. I'm guessing that meds were given for an overactive thyroid (she was on thyroid meds) but they failed to attend follow up appts to monitor the levels. She's now bedbound (which solves the stairlift issue) and incontinent. It's incredible how quickly she's deteriorated.

She's now bedbound (which solves the stairlift issue) and incontinent. It's incredible how quickly she's deteriorated.

So sorry to hear that @Zoomoff, although, like you said, it hopefully does stop DFIL from carrying her up and downstairs.

Has he agree to any further help?

Results showed an underactive thyroid. I'm guessing that meds were given for an overactive thyroid (she was on thyroid meds) It's common to need to up the dosage as the years go by, so if she wasn't getting regular blood tests, they may have missed the need to increase the dose.