Retired parents sunk into an apathetic torpor - depressing to visit

[PMani]

Hello,

my folks retired 10 years ago. They hated their jobs and were glad to leave, and with me and my siblings gone they were seemingly looking forward to downsizing. However since then they seem stuck in a kind of purgatory, still in the same (far too large) house, doing very little and seemingly depressed, apathetic and bored.

They were never particularly ambitious career-wise, seeing their jobs as just a means to pay the bills, however they seem to have adjusted poorly to not having the routine and purpose of getting up each day to go to work and struggle to fill the long days. TBH it's quite galling given how me and my siblings' adolescences were borderline ruined by their constant whinging, stressing and guilt-tripping about how they felt stuck in their crappy jobs.

. My dad had amassed a huge amount of collectibles over the years (borderline OCD) and upon retiring he started selling these on eBay in preparation for the move. However, they have still not moved, at least 3/4s of the things remain unsold, and he just sits on ebay all day, seemingly more to fill in the time then to actually sell anything.
. My mom initially joined social groups etc. and tried to keep busy, but has now given up all of that and rarely leaves the house. Frankly, she seems utterly apathetic and lethargic, completely lacking in motivation or interest in anything. It's completely depressing seeing this decline.

I live in a different city so come to visit every 2-3 months. Each visit nothing has changed. Each visit I ask my parents what they've been up to and 'nothing' is the response. I ask about the move and they mither about how difficult it is to find a nice house in a nice area these days etc. I make various hints and suggestions about stuff they could do - get a dog, join groups, go on day trips, take up a new hobby etc. but they just dismiss it. Their marriage was never especially strong or loving as I was growing up, and they seem more resigned to each other, quietly resenting each other yet unable/unwilling to take the step of separating.

TBH it's really not that fun visiting them and I fear it will only get worse. To be brutally frank I come up mainly out of a sense of duty, and also because I still have friends/siblings in the same town so I can cover all of them on one weekend trip.

Has anyone else dealt with this situation? Any advice?

best,
P. Mani

@OccaChocca

I think that people who have hobbies and friends before retiring will fair the best. People who have done nothing while working but say they are going to do this, that and all the rest of it generally carry on as they were.

Note to self: get a few more hobbies and/or friends!

Cripes yes! I’m reading this and wincing as I see the DCs possibly writing this about me in 20 years.

“She goes on Mumsnet and then talks about the people as if she knows them”

DPIL did this. Literally just sat in the sofa all day every day. Made food, tidied up, read the Mail. That's it. MiL developed dementia and I did wonder if this was the precursor to it - just slowing to a stupor because the brain isn't functioning.

To be fair to your DPs, it has been lockdown for a year and they may have got set in their ways because of it. Or fearful of the virus. Take them out for the day. For Christmas or birthdays, buy them tickets to something they used to enjoy - a flower show or ornamental garden, or, if they open up again a concert or exhibition. Anything to encourage them out of the house.

Encourage them to book hair appointments and eye check ups while you are around, again to encourage them out of the house.

Would it be worth suggesting they gat a small dog or a cat? Some creature that would need their attention? A dog would get them out for walks and socialising slightly.

Do you have the kind of relationship where you can admit to being worried by how reclusive they are? I tried with DPiLs but they really pushed back hard. They just didn't want to explore life in any way. It was so sad. The saddest thing is that now MiL has died and DFiL has realised his time is running out. He started to do some long haul travel in his late 80s, started meeting friends for a weekly curry night. All those years they did nothing, and very late on, he has realised it's worth making the effort.

@RaraRachael

My inlaws are nice people but it's quite depressing to visit them. They sit side by side in matching recliner chairs, doing crosswords or reading all day. They don't go anywhere, apart from the supermarket, or do anything. We go and visit out of a sense of duty.

Maybe their interests are more intellectual than yours? I remember an aunt complaining about her brother and sil in just the same way. They were both very clever interesting people but not on the same wave length as her.

You can't judge /run other people's lives for them just because they're not like you.

How old are they?
Are they fit and healthy?

At the end of the day, there is nothing wrong with sitting in chairs side by side and doing the crossword or reading with a weekly visit to the supermarket if that's what you want to do. It the parents who complain about their lot but do nothing to help themselves despite having a million suggestions from family.

Unless you have experienced this you cannot imagine how frustrating it is coupled with the guilt of being made to feel you are not doing enough.

My IL's are like this too. FIL into his thirtieth year of retirement, MIL hasn't worked a day in 50 years. Pots and pots of money, everything done on the cheap. No nice meals out, threadbare carpets, never left the country. They're 80 now but have been like this for years. Everything just so staid and dull. Happy to rely on family for everything. No 'fun' in their lives.
FIL worked so hard to amass their significant savings yet it just stockpiles and brings nobody any joy at all.

*No nice meals out, threadbare carpets, never left the country” isn’t incompatible with leading a fulfilling and enjoyable life.

@RaraRachael

My inlaws are nice people but it's quite depressing to visit them. They sit side by side in matching recliner chairs, doing crosswords or reading all day. They don't go anywhere, apart from the supermarket, or do anything. We go and visit out of a sense of duty.

My inlaws are the same, except substitute doing crosswords for watching quiz shows.

They have no friends, no interests, no hobbies, no volunteering. They are good people but OMG visiting them is so dull. Nothing to talk about, apart from the kids.

My own parents remained fairly active with volunteering and going to the gym until lockdown hit, which coincided with Dad's worsening mental health - probably dementia but we cannot get the NHS to actually see him and diagnose. He has retreated into his own four walls and very much struggles with visits, or any change to his routine really.

I hear you OP, it's hard.

I went to visit my parents this week and came straight on here to see if there was anything similar. I can see them stagnating before my eyes. I just left thinking they’d given up and found it so depressing.

Jeannie46, I quite agree. Some retired people may be more academic and prefer reading/ crosswords/ internet research. I really find a lot of the posters her very unsympathetic. Some people have worked all their lives and possibly had a stressful life and maybe want to sit there and “do nothing”. This is currently very much an English thing. Why do retirees have to fill their days with activities? We always have to be seen “doing things” to be acknowledged here in uk. Some people may just want to live mindfully in the moment and enjoy nature sitting in the garden “ doing nothing”. They’ve earned the right to do that . Show a bit of respect to your elders.

@Zoorhik - people are saying that if parents are content with what seems a limited lifestyle, that's fine. it's the parents who moan about having nothing to do or not being visited or being bored who are the probelm! Or who are doing so little movement that you can see the muscle wastage and predict the forthcoming health problems.

How old are they?
If 60 this could be a bit grim.
If 80 more understandable.
If you could look at them with eyes unclouded by your relationship with the, would you think they were miserable? Bored? Happy? Content? Something else?
Is it their lives that upset you or your expectation of what their lives 'should' be, or your own boredom spending time with them? Have you asked them how they feel about their current lives?

We had friends like this. They retired at 40. No children as they were deemed too expensive and would have got in the way of planning for their retirement. The more we saw them the less they had to talk about.

They would be in bed by 7pm each night after a days drinking. I saw them in their local town a couple of years ago and did a double take. Although only in their mid 50s/early 60s but they looked like a couple who were decades older shuffling down the street.

I am similar age now and have a lot of things on the go. Starting a business. Selling my house. Pre Covid the business was going to be in another country but that has had to be put on hold.
I can’t ever imagine retiring and doing nothing. It fills me with dread.

@Zoorhik

Jeannie46, I quite agree. Some retired people may be more academic and prefer reading/ crosswords/ internet research. I really find a lot of the posters her very unsympathetic. Some people have worked all their lives and possibly had a stressful life and maybe want to sit there and “do nothing”. This is currently very much an English thing. Why do retirees have to fill their days with activities? We always have to be seen “doing things” to be acknowledged here in uk. Some people may just want to live mindfully in the moment and enjoy nature sitting in the garden “ doing nothing”. They’ve earned the right to do that . Show a bit of respect to your elders.

This is me. I'm single, recently retired on just a state pension, so little disposable income for trips out/holidays etc; however, I'm quite content for now just 'being'. Especially as we're still all required to mask up everywhere/ SD and the rest.

I rarely feel bored, I peruse MN, occasionally other forums, and take an interest in current affairs. I also do some haphazard gardening as and when I feel like it

I watch YouTube channels on varied subjects, and often fall down rabbit holes there!

All in all, I'm content. Saving up a little each month in the hopes of a few days away somewhere in the UK next year.

I don't feel stagnant or negative - just, as I say - content.

Ah I look forward to sitting on the sofa and reading all the books I never had a chance to read - sounds lovely.

Tbh if your parents are miserable there is not much you can do. Do days out when you are with them, may remind them that it’s quite nice to go outside. Are they interested in anything like politics or cooking? Gardening? Tbh it may be more their relationship, if they are unhappy together it takes the colour out of life.

The pandemic has been odd for older people as well. I know someone who was a complete social butterfly but now seems happy sitting at home all the time (total 180). Can you throw a family shindig or something- invite some people over for a barbecue? It may help them rememeber that being around other people can be nice?

You do not mention their ages...that makes quite a difference to this situation.
As for you looking in from the outside and not seeing them regularly perhaps you notice things that your siblings who see them frequently do not.
I agree they may be perfectly content with their much slower pace of life and it is you who finds that a difficult concept to understand.
I think watching quiz shows is actually a good thing, it will keep their brains working.