Retired parents sunk into an apathetic torpor - depressing to visit

[PMani]

Hello,

my folks retired 10 years ago. They hated their jobs and were glad to leave, and with me and my siblings gone they were seemingly looking forward to downsizing. However since then they seem stuck in a kind of purgatory, still in the same (far too large) house, doing very little and seemingly depressed, apathetic and bored.

They were never particularly ambitious career-wise, seeing their jobs as just a means to pay the bills, however they seem to have adjusted poorly to not having the routine and purpose of getting up each day to go to work and struggle to fill the long days. TBH it's quite galling given how me and my siblings' adolescences were borderline ruined by their constant whinging, stressing and guilt-tripping about how they felt stuck in their crappy jobs.

. My dad had amassed a huge amount of collectibles over the years (borderline OCD) and upon retiring he started selling these on eBay in preparation for the move. However, they have still not moved, at least 3/4s of the things remain unsold, and he just sits on ebay all day, seemingly more to fill in the time then to actually sell anything.
. My mom initially joined social groups etc. and tried to keep busy, but has now given up all of that and rarely leaves the house. Frankly, she seems utterly apathetic and lethargic, completely lacking in motivation or interest in anything. It's completely depressing seeing this decline.

I live in a different city so come to visit every 2-3 months. Each visit nothing has changed. Each visit I ask my parents what they've been up to and 'nothing' is the response. I ask about the move and they mither about how difficult it is to find a nice house in a nice area these days etc. I make various hints and suggestions about stuff they could do - get a dog, join groups, go on day trips, take up a new hobby etc. but they just dismiss it. Their marriage was never especially strong or loving as I was growing up, and they seem more resigned to each other, quietly resenting each other yet unable/unwilling to take the step of separating.

TBH it's really not that fun visiting them and I fear it will only get worse. To be brutally frank I come up mainly out of a sense of duty, and also because I still have friends/siblings in the same town so I can cover all of them on one weekend trip.

Has anyone else dealt with this situation? Any advice?

best,
P. Mani

@PMani
I am so sorry to hear that is your experience with your parents, though I have a feeling that you are far from alone in this situation.

My father was quite similar in regards to the struggle to visit with not much to talk about except the complaints of his boring days and his lack of effort to change it or his views bothering me than anything. I found it best for me to plan something like eating at the park or a walk etc to help get them out of the house.

Have you talked to your siblings about this, and come up with any suggestions?

As a financial planner, this is a discussion I have quite a bit with the retiree when approaching retirement regarding a reason to get up in the morning and keeping structure and routine. Often I will find they will do charitable work, find or maintain a hobby and go for walks.

Do they have friends or family near by that you can help facilitate meetings, or adventure?

Good Luck!

IME there is little you can do. My PIL retired at 60 and remained on their sofa for the next 20 years. It is very sad.
I had to retire because my health suddenly became very bad. I work hard every day to cope with pain amongst other things. I don't know how long I have got, so I try hard to do as much as I can.
It is a mind set I think.

What country are they in, OP? If it's the UK, lockdown has drained many of us retired people of much enthusiasm or get up and go. All the activities that might have given us some routine to our lives have closed, and we haven't been able to visit friends or be visited by them. I'm usually a fairly busy retiree, but I struggle to find motivation to do anything at the moment. It's a worry.

Thanks all for the responses.
They are in UK but were like this well before lockdown so I can't really blame that.

My siblings live nearby so visit more regularly, so that helps I suppose. Frankly we were never an especially close family, and they're so utterly set in their ways and unable to move past the parent-child dynamic to an adult-adult one that I was very glad to move out and live independently. They seem resigned to rather empty, miserable retirement, which is sad but frankly not my problem.

Not sure there's much I can 'do' per se, just letting off a little steam!

They sound a lot like my in laws, MIL especially. It's really depressing and I hear your frustration. I honestly think there's nothing you can do though - they're adults, if they want to spend all day doing next to nothing then it's up to them. I'm glad that you got out, that you have your own life, and visit just as often as you want to

My parents sound very similar. They retired 10 years ago and the first year post retirement was spent planning a fancy holiday and going on other holidays too. And visiting their grandchild (my DD).

Then they sort of floundered.

They then found volunteering opportunities which took up some time and gave then something else to talk about to each other and to me. They also got more organised with friends in terms of meeting up for coffee or lunch or walks.

It's easy for them to do nothing and they found lockdown hard because they had their volunteering taken away from them and their natural negativity broke out.

In your position I would encourage them to find a volunteering opportunity doing something they enjoy. Whether it's companionship with other retirees or volunteering to litter pick when out for walks. Or more creative options. There are still options out there even though Covid may have limited them .

When we do talk and they are being negative I do say things like "blimey, that's a bleak/negative way to look at it" or "but what good thing happened?" Trying to force them to find a positive perspective.

Plus I hear what you are saying in terms of not being close. I'm not close with my parents or sister really and it is draining when the time we spend together (weekly video chat and will be seeing them more often in person now) is spent with so much pessimism and negativity.

I tend towards the "woe is me" side of things if left unchecked. So I have to work hard to remind myself that I like feeling more positive. It's hard to remember that after spending time with them though.

Great example of why not to stay in an unhappy relationship for the sake of your kids. The kids go and then you have this dull existence to look forward to I bet if they sold the house they could get a lovely flat abs have lots left over to go enjoy life with bit they choose to just stagnate. I think it's really common tbh

I second what other posters have said about it not being your job to motivate your parents to live differently. They are adults and they choose their own approach to things.

It does sound as though their complaints when they were working may have been more to do with a general negative outlook than with the specific problems caused by their jobs. Sorry that you've had to live with that!

Your approach to combining visits to them with visits to other friends and family (who I'm guessing are more enjoyable to visit) is a good one. I also combine visiting a parent who lives in another country (only an hour's flight away) with visits to old school friends and my favourite places in the city, which helps me to feel properly motivated to visit. He's a lovely dad but inclined to see the gloomy side of things.

My inlaws are nice people but it's quite depressing to visit them. They sit side by side in matching recliner chairs, doing crosswords or reading all day. They don't go anywhere, apart from the supermarket, or do anything. We go and visit out of a sense of duty.

You could almost be describing my parents, except they are not retired (dad is nearing retirement age and mother hasn't worked for decades).

I share your feelings of finding it depressing to visit... There's never anything new to talk about and any news I bring to the table seems to fizzle out quickly in conversation.

My dad will complain about other people's behaviour (strangers or colleagues), my mum has no semblance of a life outside the home and always seems to be on a different page to everyone else and has always been poor at relating to others, especially if they've made different life choices than hers.

Often their news revolves around getting a new piece of furniture or something. It's dire.

On the occasions where I've invited them on day trips etc with us, I feel a bit like a babysitter. Their behaviour can be so awkward and neither of them is skilled at handling any inconvenience or minor stress.

I feel like they've stopped living. I don't know what to do either but just wanted to let you know that you're not alone!

Your post is mainly about the way they live their lives. Whilst you can take a view on that it’s not up to you to make decisions for them about what they do and how unless they are complaining to you and asking for intervention.

Some folks are just happy being unhappy. Some folks don’t need much in the way of interaction. Some folks are just worn out by work and need a good rest. That might not make for a very entertaining visit for you but their lives are their lives. Your current arrangement of combining visits to them with other social activities sounds fine. I understand what you mean about the house but in the caring for parents game, the sooner you accept that you can’t control them the better for your mental health in my experience.

My mum in law lived an isolated, routine bound life. When asked she replied she was happy. I genuinely believed her. My mum loves a similar life. Is she happy? No. Her alternative fantasy life is to be entertained by family. If your parents are like my MIL they are reasonable. If they are like my mum, they are not.

My PiL are like this. They retired at about the same time and do bugger all except the garden and dog-walking. I've suggested all sorts of things like a "fix it club" (doing up old things) and walking football for FiL but he dismisses it all. His wife has turned down all sorts of suggestions too. I've given up.

Whyhell, I relate so much to your post. It's my in laws, not my parents. It's really quite soul destroying to visit them. They do nothing, can't stand each other, live their lives mostly in separate rooms. Very much relate to the feeling of needing to babysit them when you're out for the day. It's bloody draining.

Sorry but you need to let them get on with it. It sounds as if they have all their faculties so it really isn't up to you to tell them or make suggestions as to how they live their life.

We have suggested a million and one things to my MIL but it doesn't make a jot of difference. She takes little to no responsibility for her life and wants to be entertained/ferried about. Unfortunately for her, it's not going to happen so she spends a lot of time at home on her own.

Some people are just miseryguts

Now that it's starting to be possible to do things, I would decide on something you fancy doing and take them with you. Order a takeaway, go shopping or to the garden centre, Natiinal Trust, local ruin, go to the pub. Then at least you've got something to look at while they drone on.

Absolutely the same here. So depressing.

Similar to above poster, instead of visiting them at home, arrange to meet up at a local park or historical site...have a day out with them. They sound really bored and unable to think of anything to do.

Same but it’s my in laws. My MIL in particular had great plans for when she didn’t have different shift patterns to contend with but ‘they don’t offer that at the community centre’. They live close to a number of large towns and cities and can drive but it seems like it’s too much effort I suppose. FIL has been walking and likes to chat so I suggested joining a regular local group but no there isn’t one (more precisely he hasn’t bothered to find out if there is one).

I remember posting about it here when they were newly retired and being told to butt out and maybe they have money issues but it did just seem like they were plodding along rather than seizing the day and I was sad for them. I did accept that although I didn’t think they did have any money issues it doesn’t mean they weren’t worried about not being able to fill the coffers back up if they did start spending so that might be a consideration. It wasn’t something I had thought of before.

My parents are the opposite. My DF is volunteering with a local community group despite never doing anything similar in the past. It has also been able to continue over lockdown. Maybe it is just down to personality?

I think that people who have hobbies and friends before retiring will fair the best. People who have done nothing while working but say they are going to do this, that and all the rest of it generally carry on as they were.

Note to self: get a few more hobbies and/or friends!

It's hard isn't it, my mum is a little like this - she retired a few years ago and I know she gets bored and lonely, but she also won't take it upon herself to do anything either. My dad is now retired too but he has friends and hobbies, so she gets upset by being left alone when he goes out to do that too.

But she won't volunteer, she doesn't go along with my dad to take the dog out, she won't phone the friends she does have for a chat, she doesn't go for a walk round the shops on her own, doesn't do the garden....I genuinely think the only thing she would want to do to fill her time is spend time with the family and we obviously still work, so it's not possible to see her multiple times a week.

It's difficult when people retire and it turns out that work was really the only thing keeping them social and in any kind of routine. I am mindful that I don't want to push my mum into doing things she wouldn't have wanted to do when she was younger - for instance, volunteering in a charity shop or gardening - but equally it's difficult when she expresses she is bored and fed up, but won't take any steps to do anything for herself about it.

@OccaChocca

I think that people who have hobbies and friends before retiring will fair the best. People who have done nothing while working but say they are going to do this, that and all the rest of it generally carry on as they were.

Note to self: get a few more hobbies and/or friends!

YES! I think this is key.

Lots of people don't do much outside of work except socialise, and this gradually peters off for many as they have families and get older, and then once they retire they realise work was the only socialisation they got outside of the home.

As I said above, I guess it's unreasonable to expect people to randomly get into loads of hobbies or join clubs etc, but it's difficult when that person is bored and unhappy. It puts a lot of guilt on the people around them too, even though you can't be expected to fill their lives up for them.

In my ideal world I will wind down to retirement. I plan to gradually reduce my days and add in activities and hobbies on the days I have off.

I've seen far too many people age quite suddenly when they retire.

I just don't undertstand the brigade who complain they are bored, get a million suggestions for volunteering, hobbies, coffee mornings but still choose to do nothing except see their family and continually throw out passive aggressive suggestions to try and guilt said family into doing more/moving them in. How does this happen?!

Much sympathy.
Would they consider volunteering?
Volunteer community drivers are always needed if they are still drivers.
Or volunteering once a week in a charity shop?
Might give their week a bit of structure...?