I want my mum to move in with us in an extension rather than ever going into a home.

[TootsPye]

I'd love for my mum (mid 70's) to move in with me and my husband. We have a large house and garden. Mum would be living in an extension built for her, living space, ground floor, garden area.. separate but still our address. Is this is a good idea? Are there any cons on my mum's side I haven't thought about?

How would finances work? Do you have other siblings??
Would you be able to provide 24 hour care if she ever needs it?
It's all well and good saying live with me rather than going into a home but there's sometimes no other option for a lot of people who's relatives have very complex needs/advanced dementia etc

It depends how well you all get on.
How independent your Mum is.
If she wants to move? Is it far?
Will she still be able to see her friends?
Are their other family members who used to visit her?
Will there still be space for them to stay?
Do you have any expectations of help?
Have you discussed it? What does she think?
What security will she have?
Will she own part of the property?
If you get run over by a bus will your DH still want her there?

And about a million more things to think about.

You don't say if you've had these conversations?

Incidentally we did this with my Mum so I'm not anti, just some of the things that came up.

Please excuse the their/there mistake, I really should proofread before I post!

How does your DH feel about it? Really. It’s a huge decision - and not one it’s easy to reverse. (My lovely friend had her mother live with her. She then got into her 60s herself, with a 90 year old who required constant supervision, toileting, the works. Her own health suffered - but social services don’t feel the need to step in because it’s “your problem”. She had to gird her loins and get to the point of telling them that her DM was going to be made homeless before she got any help.). Remember that at the point she needs that sort of help she won’t necessarily be the person she is now (my DM’s personality and cognitive function. Was heavily affected by a stroke) and it may be a much bigger commitment and impact on your own life and family than you think at this point.

Would you be able to provide 24 hour care if she ever needs it?

That. And not be able to go on holiday or have a day out. And not work if you're still of working age.

Both my Mum and my MIL had to go into residential care. There was absolutely no other option. My mum was paralysed down one side by a stroke. It takes two people and hoists to move her, and she requires the kind of personal care that she wouldn't want done by her children and their partners.

MIL has dementia. My SIL gave up her job to spend half the week with her (she lives two hours away) but on one of the days she wasn't there., my MIL was picked up by the police, wandering a couple of miles from home at 6am. She never went back home. In hindsight she shouldn't have been left for even half an hour.

Even if your mum doesn't ever need that level of care, you will still be restricted. Is your DH on board? Fully? Will never be resentful if she becomes a tie?
If you die, what will happen? There was a very moving thread recently by a bereaved wife whose MIL was still living with her, and she just couldn't cope with her needs alone. It was SO hard for her to have to put her wife's mother into a home. Fortunately her MIL accepted it, but it could have been very much worse.

It’s a lovely idea however there is so much to think of. The care side would concern me greatly.

How fit and healthy is she at the minute? How fit is she likely to remain in 2, 5, 10 years time.

What if she needs walking aids? A commode, a hospital bed, a hoist? What if she becomes incontinent, immobile, violent?

What if she needs round the clock care and supervision?

Help with washing, toileting, feeding, sitting, moving, turning, medication.

It sounds lovely at first but looking after someone with complex care needs can be mentally and physically exhausting.

Sometimes the safest place for them in a home.

This is without even considering things like other relationships, privacy and finances.

What MothershipG said, sensible advice & point to consider can I add, do you live in the same area as your mum? What would plan B be, if it didn’t work out. If you have siblings what do they think about it? Assuming the extension was an independent annexe with a kitchen/bathroom etc council tax will apply. What would you do with the annexe if your mum no longer needs the accommodation? Properties with annexes can be more difficult to sell. Have you explored other options with your mum?

If it classes as a separate dwelling you will need permission from the council / separate council tax etc. Depending on what you include in it you might not be able to have it included in your address.

What happens if you and your DH predecease her? What happens to her and the property?

It’s a huge decision - and not one it’s easy to reverse.

The second half of that is the thing. You can't undo it if things go wrong. Your DM's personality changes, your DH can't cope, your mum becomes more demanding than you expect. But you have can't go back. It's a massive commitment.

How far is it from where she currently lives? Would she be able to continue seeing friends/doing activities etc?

How do you see it working day to day - e.g would she always eat with you? Are all of you on board with that?

Most importantly is your DH 100% behind the idea? I would hate to live with either my mother or my MIL. Not many people want to live with their MIL

My parents did this for my Dad's parents, killed their marriage and wrecked my childhood. I would have a strict agreement in place and consider the next ten/twenty plus years and the strain of it.

We live in a v large bungalow with a v large garden. My Ddad lives with us in an annexe. He's 86 and quite fit for his age. However, me and DH (both in our 60s) want to move to a smaller property with a smaller garden to release some equity in our home and pay off our mortgage. It's proving v difficult to find somewhere that suits all three of us and we're now in limbo, stuck struggling to pay our mortgage and the costs and effort of running and maintaining a big place. It will work out, but this is something I wish I'd considered seriously when we asked him to come live with us.

Is this something you are thinking about imminently or when your Mum is older and more infirm?

At mid 70s, if she is in good health she could potentially live another 20 odd years so this could be a long term commitment

From your Mum's point of view, does she want to give up her own home and independence to live with you?

What do your DH and DC think?

This topic regularly comes up on Gransnet - many horror stories! Granny sells her property to finance an extension then couple split up, or one dies, or they all fall out.

Granny is often seen as a cash cow and resident baby sitter. Then of course there is no guarantee that she'll get care from the family when she needs it.

Thank you. So many questions unconsidered and I can now consider them:

How would finances work?
Do you have other siblings??
Would you be able to provide 24 hour care if she ever needs it?
How well do you get on?
If she wants to move? Is it far?
Will she still be able to see her friends?
Are there other family members who used to visit her?
Will there still be space for them to stay?
Do you have any expectations of help?
Have you discussed it?
What does she think?
What security will she have?
Will she own part of the property?
If you get run over by a bus will your DH still want her there?
You don't say if you've had these conversations?
How does your DH feel about it? Really.
It’s a huge decision - social services don’t feel the need to step in because it’s “your problem”.
Will you be able to go on holiday or have a day out?
Will you be able to work if you're still of working age?
What happens if it takes two people and hoists to move her, and she requires the kind of personal care that she wouldn't want done by her children and their partners?
Would you give up your job to spend half the week with her?
What is your DM is picked up by the police, wandering a couple of miles from home at 6am?
Is your DH on board? Fully? Will never be resentful if she becomes a tie?
If you die, what will happen?
How fit and healthy is she at the minute?
How fit is she likely to remain in 2, 5, 10 years time.
What if she needs walking aids? A commode, a hospital bed, a hoist? What if she becomes incontinent, immobile, violent?
What if she needs round the clock care and supervision?
Help with washing, toileting, feeding, sitting, moving, turning, medication?
Will you cope with looking after someone with complex care needs can be mentally and physically exhausting.
Have you considered things like other relationships, privacy and finances?
What would plan B be, if it didn’t work out?
If you have siblings what do they think about it?
Assuming the extension was an independent annexe with a kitchen/bathroom etc council tax will apply?
What would you do with the annexe if your mum no longer needs the accommodation?
Have you explored other options with your mum?
How far is it from where she currently lives?
Would she be able to continue seeing friends/doing activities etc?
How do you see it working day to day?
Would she always eat with you?
Are all of you on board with that?

Am I the only one that thinks this is a good idea? Also the done thing in many other cultures.

@TootsPye

I'd love for my mum (mid 70's) to move in with me and my husband. We have a large house and garden. Mum would be living in an extension built for her, living space, ground floor, garden area.. separate but still our address. Is this is a good idea? Are there any cons on my mum's side I haven't thought about?

Would your mother be financing this extension?

WE can now consider them!

Would your mother be financing this extension?

No.

Now is the easiest it will ever be. It will deteriorate. Maybe not quickly, but it will. Maybe she will be fine for a few years. She may be like my MIL and fit enough to walk into town one morning and in the afternoon have a devastating stoke that leaves her totally dependent and unable to communicate verbally. She may develop dementia and become aggressive and moody like my mum, flying off the handle because you have done something she was happy with 10 minutes ago but now she has forgotten you even discussed it.

@xela21

Am I the only one that thinks this is a good idea? Also the done thing in many other cultures.

In other cultures where women don't work, or have the opportunities that we do, because their role is to subjugate themselves to look after everyone else. including their evil MIL. Or where they live in large extended families so there's always someone around and the elderly aren't just one person's responsibility.

A pp mentioned her childhood being ruined by having gran live with them. Mine too. It's a toss up between my gran setting the kitchen on fire, or walking through the living room stark naked when I had a school friend round for tea, as to which was the lowest moment.

@xela21

Am I the only one that thinks this is a good idea? Also the done thing in many other cultures.

I come from one of those cultures and I can tell you that there are a lot of very unhappy women. It's the leading cause of divorce in my community as the strain it puts on relationships is great.

I must know 30 or so families who do this and only one or two who are genuinely happy

I should say my mum is a fit and active 73 with no health issues at the moment.

How would finances work?

• We would fund it, my mum would pay her share of the utility bills.

Do you have other siblings?
Yes, a brother who lives in the other end of UK who I get on very well with.

Would you be able to provide 24 hour care if she ever needs it? Yes, to a point. We are in Scotland and at the moment that means free care, 4 points of care if needed. If the care was not available I would employ a carer. If my mum needed 24 hour care she would need to go into a care home and would be on the waiting list to get a place. Her savings and pension would pay for the care until my mum's savings and pension ran out and then the Council would pay for it. My mum looked after my granny who was fit but had Dementia and I helped my mum to care for her. My mum looked after my granny in her home until she was 94. My granny became too much for my mum after 6 years of dementia and granny went into a care home from age 92-94. My mum is currently working for a carers organisation doing one-to-one palliative care, home care and a sitting service which she loves.

How well do you get on?
Very well with both me and my DH.

If she wants to move?
Yes

Is it far?
No, 5 miles.

Will she still be able to see her friends?
Yes, absolutely

Are there other family members who used to visit her?
Yes, my brother's family. Plenty space here for them.

Will there still be space for them to stay?
Yes, and space for my mum to have friends over in her own part of the house / extension and entertain her friends

Do you have any expectations of help?
No. But she would help me anyway with things like the garden and walking the dogs.

Have you discussed it?
Yes, for years. Many times with excitement about having a new extension for communal living with plenty privacy. Keeping my mum independent - she is more worried about me coming into her room all the time and lying on her bed. She'd have her own car, her own friends and her own front door.

What does she think?
She says she is delighted and looks forward to having a plan in place and getting it in place.

What security will she have?
Her own pension and savings. I could do with strengthening this for her but don't know how.

Will she own part of the property?
No.

If you get run over by a bus will your DH still want her there?
That is the million dollar question! I would say yes, they would have their own 'unit' and still be able to live independently.

You don't say if you've had these conversations?
Yes we are on the phone right now answering each of these questions.

How does your DH feel about it? Really.
He's dedicated to looking after his own mother in her late 80's at the moment as her main carer, seeing to her needs, pension, OT, doctors appts, shopping etc and going to see her to keep her company for a while every day. He is very much in the same mindset of looking after our elders.

It’s a huge decision - social services don’t feel the need to step in because it’s “your problem”. I work in Social Care and see it every day. I wouldn't want social care to be involved until her life living with us became unsustainable.

Will you be able to go on holiday or have a day out?
Yes, and it would probably be with my mum! But later on down the line we would deal with this through respite care and paid respite and family stepping in.

Will you be able to work if you're still of working age?
Yes.

What happens if it takes two people and hoists to move her, and she requires the kind of personal care that she wouldn't want done by her children and their partners?
Social care would come in then, home care.

Would you give up your job to spend half the week with her?
Depends on what stage she it at.

What if your DM is picked up by the police, wandering a couple of miles from home at 6am?
This happened to my granny. We are aware this could happen. If she got to this stage we would have things in place to alert us.

If you die, what will happen?
My mum would either stay where she was in her own unit of the house or go and live with my brother or go into sheltered housing, depending on need.
How fit and healthy is she at the minute?
Excellent health, she's 73 and working for a care organisation.

How fit is she likely to remain in 2, 5, 10 years time?
Don't know.

What if she needs walking aids? A commode, a hospital bed, a hoist?
That's OK.

If you have siblings what do they think about it?
Excellent idea. My brother offered to help financially for private care and respite.

Assuming the extension was an independent annexe with a kitchen/bathroom etc council tax will apply?
No because it would be ajoined to the house.

What would you do with the annexe if your mum no longer needs the accommodation?
Have it for family and friends to stay in

Have you explored other options with your mum?
Well yes, living in the house she currently lives in is fine, she loves the house. She's thought about buying a motorhome and going travelling in France for a while, going down south to be near by brother but wants to stay here where we are from and near me so I can look after her.

How far is it from where she currently lives?
5 miles.

Would she be able to continue seeing friends/doing activities etc?
Absolutely!

How do you see it working day to day?
Very well, same as now, she's down at our house every day.

Would she always eat with you?
No

If I'm not being too personal, it sounds as though you are in a very different financial position than many who might want to consider this. If you have loads of room for family to visit, the annexe will also have room for people to stay with her, and you can afford to pay for respite and carers yourself, then some of the questions we've asked are probably less of an issue. Which is obviously great.
That does make a difference, if you can still have your life and pay people to take over when you want to do your own thing.

You and your DH do sound lovely. Do you have room for another annexe for me?!

You can't cover every eventuality. (And there has been some great points raised). But it's a lovely idea. Far better to do it now while she doesn't need lots of care and you can all enjoy it. As things change so your approach can change.
We've told both sets of parents that if necessary they can live with us if they need to. How will it work.....with difficulty. But we'll make it. Because they are our parents.