I want my mum to move in with us in an extension rather than ever going into a home.

[TootsPye]

I'd love for my mum (mid 70's) to move in with me and my husband. We have a large house and garden. Mum would be living in an extension built for her, living space, ground floor, garden area.. separate but still our address. Is this is a good idea? Are there any cons on my mum's side I haven't thought about?

Aw thank you saraclara. We do live in a northern periphery part of the UK so there is plenty space and land is not as expensive as further south. There is also a culture of care as we don't have the marketplace of care provision as other places do. So I have been planning this for a long time.

Mumdiva yes, that's what we've been saying for years and have seen from experience. You have to do it now while you're fit and healthy. I should also say, we stopped trying for kids so that makes a huge difference.

Will it have a second bedroom for a live in carer?

meglettthesecond no. We would have daily care provision if needed.

I think it's a lovely idea, i bet it would mean a lot to your mum. I'm a district nurse and see this a lot and would like to do the same for my parents.

I was a district nurse for twenty years and saw the detrimental impact this had on families.
I would never ever let my DC facilitate this. Their lives are for living with their own families. Not to have me constantly being in the background. My being a parent doesn't make them beholden to me in any way.
A friend at work has her DM living in an extension to her house. 90 years old with failing mobility, increasing demands and still going. All on antidepressants.

@xela21

Am I the only one that thinks this is a good idea? Also the done thing in many other cultures.

No. .I think it's brilliant idea..my sister did it with my parents. ......yes there are things to consider but it can work brilliantly

Looks to me like an almost unanimous don't do it

I wouldn't want social care to be involved until her life living with us became unsustainable. The challenge is, to get social care involved once your life has become unsustainable. There's several posters on this board whose lives I would say are unsustainable, and that's with non-resident elderly.

However you have thought it through, and your financial circumstances put you in a position most people can only dream of. Paying for the extension yourself means there is no argument over "deprivation of assets" and no question of having to sell to finance care. The fact that there seems to be f.0amily money for care should it be needed means you're not dependent on a cash-strapped social services assessment of needs.

However, you say ...rather than ever going into a home. I think this bit is unrealistic. You can give her a good life, and postpone the going into a home bit. But sadly, if she lives long enough and avoids various other causes of death, the likelihood is that she will end up needing 24 hour care and constant supervision and possibly nursing care. So if things do get to that state (and they don't for everybody), then a home may be the only option.

I found reading the "assessment tool" for CHC funding (not the initial check list questionnaire) quite an eye opener over the things tht can go wrong in an elderly body.

It could work as long as there is the acknowledgement that you won't be looking after her if it all becomes too much. The free social care and the fact you've not used her money to build, makes this easier.
At the moment she's just moving house to be closer to you. You just happen to own the accommodation.

When finances are tired, it all becomes much messier and didn't work out when I saw it happen.

Tied

@Miasicarisatia

Looks to me like an almost unanimous don't do it

hardly surprising given the almost universal dread people in the uk have of having to care for the elders, yet weirdly unhappy to sell their inheritance to pay the state to do it. Go for it OP....its a wonderful thing to do.

This thread has made me so depressed.

OP, I think that you are the most wonderful, kindest person, you know the true nature of love that is that it is self sacrificing and this type of love benefits both giver and recipient, thank you for honouring your mother so much.

Sorry to say it OP, but please be cautious, it’s a big decision. A similar situation happened in my family, it did not end well and caused an irreparable split in the family, I wouldn’t recommend it.

A friend of mine had her dad move into an annexe shortly after her mum died, she was always rushing back to cook for her dad, caused a lot of stress, especially as her dad owned a dog, she has relived when the dog died only for her dad to replace it with, finances were tied as they wouldn’t have been able to buy there home without dad chipping in etc. Very messy to say the least.

Incidentally, you mention your DH cares for his mum, does she live with you? If not, how will she feel if your mum moves in?

So much to think about. I hope you make the right decision for your whole family, not just for you & your mum. Good luck OP.

@Mimsytove I don't understand how it makes you depressed. That's a very narrow minded view of looking at things. People have pointed out things that they have witnessed or been through themselves. As a nurse I see people in ill health in their 70s trying to care for their elderly parents. My mother and father have been caring for my grandparents for 20 years! Believe me it takes its toll. People are living longer and longer when my grandparents were younger their grandparents were dying in 60s and early 70s.
My grandad was diagnosed with dementia 12 years ago, he is in denial of this.Thinks he can do everything himself. Tells carers to go away and get out of the house. Tells us to go away as he can do everything himself which if we let him he would seriously neglect himself. He couldn't have lived with us (he only lived 2 streets away) because he liked peace and quiet and no one there, he wouldn't have let us move in as he can do everything when in fact he requires 24 hour care and someone to do everything. He is too proud to allow family members to do this. He is in a care home as he has his own space but 24 hour care.

What if she needs walking aids? A commode, a hospital bed, a hoist?
That's OK.

As I've seen this happen in real life, in my own family and with friends in similar situations, you really need to think further than "That's OK". Are you prepared to give up your job, social life, time with your partner / children, sleep and mental health for someone who might well be better off being looked after somewhere that is properly equipped to care for them more effectively?

Both my Gran and the Mum of a friend found that they were unable to get out of bed to go to the toilet. Adult Services will not fund the cost of an overnight carer in this situation. This means that the home carer, e.g. you, stays up all night in order to help them to the toilet. For my Gran this was 2-3 times a night. It is pretty much impossible to do this and function effectively in the daytime. Alternatively you have to ask the person you are caring for to wear nighttime nappies and use them, even if they are fully continent, which is pretty awful for them. They are also often ineffective and mean that the bed is still wet, which is humiliating and hard work to deal with.

There are many other situations where caring at home in actual life is nothing like the saintly "I love my parents and of course would not put them in a home" situation that you imagine. It is not necessarily a kindness to do this. A team of trained carers in a well adapted building, set up to do this exact job, is often much better for everyone involved.

this type of love benefits both giver and recipient
Maybe, if you squint and look at it through multiple layers of rose coloured glass...

@Miasicarisatia

Looks to me like an almost unanimous don't do it

It reads to me like a unanimous “think very carefully because it can sometimes work but there are a lot of ways it can go wrong”

Given that we now know that the OP works in social care and her DH is experiencing the hands-on reality of caring for an older relative and there’s a fair amount of money to throw at the problem, they’ve probably got as much chance of it working out as anyone.

There is also a culture of care as we don't have the marketplace of care provision as other places do

In which case you need to be very very certain you will be able to get provision in place if your mum needs more care at some point.

My dad was declared 'end of life' over a year ago and I cannot begin to describe the lack of practical support we've had to deal with and the impact it's had on mum's and my physical and mental health (and probably my career as I'm now on unpaid sabbatical with 'suicidal ideations' on medical records so God knows what that will do for future job applications).

It's a lovely idea in theory and your mum sounds awesome but it only takes one fall or one illness and things can change dramatically.

@Mimsytove Have you ever cared 24/7 for an elderly parent? You seem to have a very idealised view of what it actually entails.

Thank you so much for your replies I really appreciate everyone's insights.

MereDintofPandiculation yes you're right, that bit I said about never going into a care home is totally unrealistic and ridiculous I shouldn't have put that daft emotional title I would change it if I could. If at some point she was assessed as needing 24hr care that would be the best place for her.

Roselilly. This is why we want to keep her finances out of it as much as we can. And this is the bit that concerns me. If she sells her house then that money would be hers. She has a small pension and very small amount of savings. She would keep the money from the sale of her house as her retirement fund to top up her pension for things like running her car, going to see my brother, groceries, clothes, social life, and whatever else.

The other point you raised about how my MiL would feel is also very important to my mum and we would be very considerate of her in respect of the timing of this move.

Lettitbee Sorry for 'That's OK', that sounded terribly glib. I should have said that we have considered that she will have an increasing need for attendance and care. I do not underestimate the toll it will take on me. Like you, my mum and I cared for my gran for years. My mum was living with her and caring for her and very tied to caring for my gran in the latter years. This does concern me a lot. I have experience but I don't have as much stamina and skill at coping with dementia as my mum does so I know I would need support and get as much as was available.

There is a huge amount to consider. Any part of this could change and the whole setup could collapse.

I seem to have given the impression that we've got loads of money to throw at care provision but we don't! We'd be able to afford topping up the LA carers and afford respite care for 6 weeks of the year though. Personal care is currently provided free of charge in Scotland. This could change if there is a political change.

We also have a huge shortage of carers in our area, can't recruit carers, we don't have a competitive market of care provision so there is a huge dependency on LA carers. There is also decreasing availability in care homes and an aging population... Those issues are arguments both for and against the plan.

Alternatively you have to ask the person you are caring for to wear nighttime nappies and use them, even if they are fully continent, which is pretty awful for them.Derailing, but I think it would help if everyone were to stop referring to incontinence pads for adults as "nappies". It's becoming socially acceptable to admit to a bit of leakage, helped, for example, by Tena pads being displayed alongside sanitary pads in supermarkets. We need this to extend to more heavy duty protection, and saying "yah, look, you've gone back to being a baby!" doesn't help.

@TootsPye
I think you are being very sensible & have considered many of the issues that may arise. There will always be a million what ifs, so you can only make your best decision based on the info you have.

In our case we moved to a bigger place, built a little annex and my Mum never got to live in it. Her mobility had deteriorated over lock down & we thought it was just lack of exercise but it turned out she has motor neurone disease.

I've ended up doing a lot more personal care than I'd planned to and we now have paid carers in twice a day. As her mobility decreases it's getting harder and we are now in the planning stages for residential care.

It's not ideal but she lived 90 miles away so I'm really not sure how we'd have coped if she hadn't moved in, I think she'd have had to go into residential care a long time ago, so it was all for the best.

One thing that struck me is if she does move in with you why don't you rent her house out? It will provide her with extra income & eventually could help towards any future care costs.