DH & long-distance parents

[confusedofengland]

We're going through a bit of a rough patch at the moment & I'm hoping that by venting on here somebody will understand & maybe even tell me I'm not crazy/selfish or tell me to snap out if it if I am.

PIL live 130 miles away, we can be at theirs in 2 hours 20 minutes if traffic allows. So close enough to go for the day, which we have done lots, but not close enough to just pop in for an hour or so. MIL has vascular dementia, diagnosed about 2.5 years ago. She still recognises everybody except FIL sometimes, has mood swings, wanders & doesn't eat much so her weight has dropped to 6.5 stone (she is a very slight woman who was only 8.5 stone when full term pregnant). She is still at home, no carers going in but SIL 10 minutes away & pops in multiple times daily.

DH has always been very close to his parents & until kids' commitments (football Saturday & Sunday) then Covid kicked in we visited 1 in every 3 weekends, often staying over. We cannot do that now as it would confuse MIL. He used to speak on the phone a couple of times a week & maybe once a month if that with SIL. Since the diagnosis he has taken to video calling every day & gets irritable/anxious if he hasn't done so. More recently, he has started calling whilst we as a family or couple are in the middle of things eg breakfast date with me, 10 mins into a bluebell walk with the DC. He is studying an MA full time & working 2 days per week so we only see him for an hour a day on weekdays. Weekends are better but he often has work to do plus a few hours football with DS1.

Anyway, this week has been particularly tough. He went to see PIL for the day on Tuesday & really enjoyed it. Wasn't home before DC went to bed but no problem. Then on Wednesday MIL was found to have low blood pressure & taken to hospital. She was discharged that evening & fine until today when she had high blood pressure. She is now in hospital again & tests are being run on her heart, which they said was running backwards? There has also been talk of cancer which they would not treat if it was as she is frail. All very stressful & upsetting, although at least in herself she is mostly ok. DH has been pretty much constantly on the phone since Wednesday, either calls or messages from FIL or SIL. It has been 3+ hours a day, so although he is here he is not really here iyswim. Today I was at work for 4 hours & he virtually ignored the DC as he was on his phone the whole time. When he is not on the phone he is stressed & snappy waiting for a message or call.

I have said to him that he should go up to be with his family. It is where his mind & his heart is. He could do his lectures up there & travel down for work when needed (couple of days a month, rest is remote). We would miss him of course, but we 3puld be fine & I can deal with everything down here. He won't do it though.

For context, we have 3 DSes, age 12, 10 & 7, so not tiny, although DS2 has SEN severe enough to warrant 32.5 hours one-to-one at school. My parents are round the corner but work FT & my mum is an alcoholic so can't help much during the week. I also share care with my sister of my grandparents who are housebound without us & grandad has cancer requiring monthly blood tests & transfusions, among other things.

If you have got this far, thank you, it was longer than I expected!

How is MIL?
Are you feeling better?

OP

Your situation sounds bizarre - your DH should be prioritising his young children not fixating on his parents.

I don't understand why, when he's studying for his MA, you only have an hour a day with him. It appears that you and the DC accommodate all his needs but he gives little back.

Could you offer a temporary compromise; he spends a couple of days per fortnight at PILs but at weekends you need him to step up with his wife and DC - you need a rest and his DC need him.

We are in a similar situation except it’s my parent who is ill. Something has to give. Time to call in the favours. Can anyone else (school friends) help with some of after school activity drop offs etc? I was perhaps being a martyr without realising and when asked for help people were amazing, even dropping off meals having a child for a bit on a Saturday afternoon etc. So ask.
The time she is in hospital is best time to organise care - they can assess her needs there and so when goes home already in place. Ask for this, say need help on safe discharge. Similarly the national charities are amazing - I should have rung their helpline about six months before I did.
The problem is you feel so alone but you aren’t, it’s just hard to recognise and remember that.

I think you are falling apart a little. It is very difficult as especially if this is it for your mil your dh staying up there for a week or two is perfectly understandable. But there is just too much for you at home. Can you ask for any help from friends? One very easy ask is to see if someone can come sit at your house for 40 mins so you can put dcs to bed before picking up eldest? Depending on the mil update it might be ok to say to dh, I know you need to be there, I’d like to say stay as long as you want but the truth is I’m not coping, one person can’t run around suitably after these three children and work. At the moment jane and Bob are helping with a few things but that’s a temporary thing and school have still said ds is struggling, we will need you back.

Can we try and understand more of the context? He’s working 2 days, studying full time, why do you only see him an hour a day?