DH & long-distance parents

[confusedofengland]

We're going through a bit of a rough patch at the moment & I'm hoping that by venting on here somebody will understand & maybe even tell me I'm not crazy/selfish or tell me to snap out if it if I am.

PIL live 130 miles away, we can be at theirs in 2 hours 20 minutes if traffic allows. So close enough to go for the day, which we have done lots, but not close enough to just pop in for an hour or so. MIL has vascular dementia, diagnosed about 2.5 years ago. She still recognises everybody except FIL sometimes, has mood swings, wanders & doesn't eat much so her weight has dropped to 6.5 stone (she is a very slight woman who was only 8.5 stone when full term pregnant). She is still at home, no carers going in but SIL 10 minutes away & pops in multiple times daily.

DH has always been very close to his parents & until kids' commitments (football Saturday & Sunday) then Covid kicked in we visited 1 in every 3 weekends, often staying over. We cannot do that now as it would confuse MIL. He used to speak on the phone a couple of times a week & maybe once a month if that with SIL. Since the diagnosis he has taken to video calling every day & gets irritable/anxious if he hasn't done so. More recently, he has started calling whilst we as a family or couple are in the middle of things eg breakfast date with me, 10 mins into a bluebell walk with the DC. He is studying an MA full time & working 2 days per week so we only see him for an hour a day on weekdays. Weekends are better but he often has work to do plus a few hours football with DS1.

Anyway, this week has been particularly tough. He went to see PIL for the day on Tuesday & really enjoyed it. Wasn't home before DC went to bed but no problem. Then on Wednesday MIL was found to have low blood pressure & taken to hospital. She was discharged that evening & fine until today when she had high blood pressure. She is now in hospital again & tests are being run on her heart, which they said was running backwards? There has also been talk of cancer which they would not treat if it was as she is frail. All very stressful & upsetting, although at least in herself she is mostly ok. DH has been pretty much constantly on the phone since Wednesday, either calls or messages from FIL or SIL. It has been 3+ hours a day, so although he is here he is not really here iyswim. Today I was at work for 4 hours & he virtually ignored the DC as he was on his phone the whole time. When he is not on the phone he is stressed & snappy waiting for a message or call.

I have said to him that he should go up to be with his family. It is where his mind & his heart is. He could do his lectures up there & travel down for work when needed (couple of days a month, rest is remote). We would miss him of course, but we 3puld be fine & I can deal with everything down here. He won't do it though.

For context, we have 3 DSes, age 12, 10 & 7, so not tiny, although DS2 has SEN severe enough to warrant 32.5 hours one-to-one at school. My parents are round the corner but work FT & my mum is an alcoholic so can't help much during the week. I also share care with my sister of my grandparents who are housebound without us & grandad has cancer requiring monthly blood tests & transfusions, among other things.

If you have got this far, thank you, it was longer than I expected!

MIL is now feeling unwell again so DH is likely to go up. It's what I've been telling him to do but I feel desperate & alone

I'm sorry to hear that you're under such a lot of pressure OP, it sounds as if this situation is already unsustainable, are you able to involve social services?

FIL is reluctant to get in any outside help. He didn't even want MIL to go to hospital as he knew any tests would upset her. We have suggested supported living or carers but he won't consider it.

We have suggested supported living or carers but he won't consider it
it's fairly common for this to be the case but if you allow them to dominate it will destroy your family life.
You have to give them the choice of supported living/carers or NOTHING and then step back.
I know it's hard but they are only focused on their needs and they will bleed you both dry without a second thought.
Mark my words....

I feel for you having been in a similar situation recently with my terminally ill MIL. It sounds like the current arrangements - ie no external care - isnt going to be viable for much longer, as mentioned have social services been involved?.
Does your DH feel pulled between home and caring for his mum?
I think youve made the right call suggesting he spends time with them, I felt less stressed when DH wasnt here because i could relax and get on with things, when he was home it was constant messages and calls from SIL or the doctors or his mum and he'd drop everything to go round.
It can feel lonely because I effectively lived as a single person for 5 months.
I got some great advice and support from this board and I bet you'll also receive the same.

Ah so they are playing the 'dont need or wo t have any help' card.
This is where the guilt tripping starts and inevitably DH and SIL will default to doing the daily care - youve already mentioned SIL is there daily.
This WILL get worse.
People forwarned me but I didnt believe it until I watched it happenening, I agree you need to nip it in the bud and be selfish.

Actually, its not being selfish thats a wrong description.
FIL needs to accept help.

@ilikewinter your situation really does sound similar to mine. It's kind of reassuring so thank you. I feel like I'm being so selfish for being annoyed that I have to do everything & upset that DH will probably go up there, but he seems to have forgotten that I have feelings too. I don't think he does feel pulled between us particularly & if he did I'm 90% certain he would put them first 😏

They're quite happy to let SIL pop in 'multiple times a day' yet won't have carers! They're quite happy for her to do that?! Indefinitely? Really??!
What plans have they made to cope and adapt as they age, particularly with MILs dementia. Gardeners, cleaners, taxis, home helps? Any of it? None of it?! No plans?
Mia is spot on. Trouble ahead unless you step back. MIL is the best she will ever be. After all, we save for a rainy day don't we. Scrimp and save all our lives. Well now it's raining.

Your husband is probably very stressed and is responding to the Guilt that they are laying on him and has not been able to properly process what's going on and think about what's fair

Thank you. I will try to encourage DH to speak to them about it.

Latest update is she is being kept in hospital overnight, something to do with the heart but don't know what. FIL is being allowed to stay with her. I said to DH that I will support him 100% in whatever he needs to do but he may need to tell me how. He said for now he is ok with being updated & is happy to be here, where he wants to be.

I'm sorry for your family situation.
Could you research what other help is available and present it to DH and SIL?
They maybe can't see the wood for the trees and don't want to upset FIL further.
Would need to be tactful though.

When the current crisis is stabilized I would encourage your husband to make a plan for his parents which involves carers, he will have to be firm with them!
It's not that they are trying to deliberately make his life difficult more that they no longer had the mental bandwidth available to focus on other people's needs as well as their own problems. This isn't their fault but it doesn't mean that they should be allowed to Sabotage the lives of their children!

He is up there now with them, staying overnight & they are going to talk about care.

I am currently at my parents' house (garden). Told them about it & said I've been really upset about MIL being poorly, as they think it was a minor heart attack & my mum said "You must bottle it all up. Don't show that you are upset" I very firmly said I would not be doing that as I don't want them to think it's shameful to be upset. Explains a lot about why my mum is an alcoholic, though.

Gahhh, parents eh😣

When they refuse help but need it, get SS involved.
You can do it anonymously if necessary. I have been in a situation with my PIL where everyone was too involved to see the bigger picture, so I did just that and it’s better now. Sometimes people don’t think it’s bad enough to need help, or refuse to have help.

Updating here because I can't talk to anybody in real life, hope that's ok.

DH has been up there overnight, supposed to come back this evening. It seems MIL had some kind of minor heart attack on Saturday, but I'm not clear on the details as they're not being passed on. She has this morning had another low blood pressure reading, following the same pattern as Saturday. So maybe another heart attack? Physically ok but very confused. DH & FIL currently waiting for doctor but advice on Saturday was they would not resuscitate, also MIL is very against going to hospital & uncooperative.

I'm desperately hoping it is just her body adjusting to new meds, but scared that it's the end for her.

I'm feeling all kinds of conflicting emotions & I can't handle them. Sad that she is ill. Relieved that she may not suffer any more if the end is quick. Really want DC to see her one last time, but don't know if that's appropriate. Guilty that we didn't see them much during pandemic. Fed up with/struggling with doing everything on my own. Missing DH so so much. Feeling selfish for feeling this way. Scared that I can't be strong enough. Really need a hug & can't get one. Rejected by my own mother's response that I should bottle it all up.

I am rambling but don't know what to do with myself 😥

I also feel like I don't know if our relationship will survive this. I feel that whatever happens DH won't come back. If MIL lives, he will want to stay up there just in case she gets worse. If she doesn't, he will want to stay up to support his father & sister, make funeral arrangements etc. Understandably I guess. But

I'm so sorry OP, I think you are panicking and catastrophising but it's totally understandable . I do have been there and it's very confusing/stressful, not being the 'main person' at the hospital and dealing with doctors (so only getting third hand garbled information) but trying desperately to support everyone else, it's really hard.

I would try and take a deep breath and calm down as best you can, there's no reason this will destroy your relationship. Serious illness and bereavement are really difficult, don't get me wrong, but the decline and eventual death of your parents is a natural (if horrible) part of life, it doesn't (absent other factors such as existing MH conditions) usually totally destroy people. My best advice to you would be to take each day as it comes, it's easy to project into doom laden future worst case scenarios but for now things are under control, your DH is where he needs to be, your MIL is being looked after, you are doing your best to hold the fort at home, your DC will be fine.

Keep communications open, try to be kind and forgiving to yourself and your DH and his relatives (it's really really easy to get snappy with one another and to look to 'blame' someone or something for the horrible situation, whether that's your DH blaming your FIL for not accepting help or you blaming yourself for not seeing them more - it's kind of a natural mental reflex when you are scared or sad to do this but it's not usually helpful so try and be aware of it, and while I totally agree the 'bottle it up' advice is crap do also be mindful of your own emotions and be careful of taking it out on one another).

Practically speaking, I hope your MIL recovers and this episode will be the trigger for them accepting more outside help - sadly it often takes a crisis for care refusers to accept they can't cope - or sometimes by the time the person is sick enough to end up in hospital they are then unable to return home and residential care ends up being the best for them. Either way I don't think your DH moving in fulltime will be the likely outcome (obviously if she does sadly die then he may need to stay longer but it won't be forever). All this can be sorted in due course, try not to worry about it too much now (I know easier said than done)... personally I find trying to busy myself with practical tasks (nothing too stressful) and then flobbing out with mindless/comforting TV or a book (something like a childhood favourite) is the best way to get through but do whatever you need to do to get yourself through, don't feel bad about it, you are doing brilliantly. Keep posting here too, the posters on this board are so wise and helpful I really find it a useful practical and emotional resource...

Thank you maxelly, I think you're right. I'm struggling on all sorts of levels & that is making me catastrophise. I'm trying to keep busy but that only works so much.

Just picked up the DC from school & the SENCO came up to tell me that DS2 (SEN) was not himself today - lethargic & not really working well, usually pretty good but slow (slow processing speed is a thing with him). So now I feel extra guilty.

I have no doubt that on some level he has picked up on all this & that is affecting him. Also, practically speaking, I am having to do all school/club runs while DH is away. This means getting up at 6.30am instead of the usual 7am & tonight will have to fetch DS1 from football at 8pm, which is usual bedtime for DS2 & 3, so they will be late in bed. This obviously won't help.

If anybody has any tips to improve lethargy then I would be glad to hear them. DS2 seems normal to me but is obviously not quite right at school

This sounds very tough for you all.
Your husband and SILbreally need to discuss a plan forward with their parents. It is just not feasible for your SIL to be popping in multiple times every single day and your husband cannot relax because he knows his mother is not being care for practically or efficiently.

And I feel for you carrying the mental and physical load whilst your husband is dealing with his unwell mum. What a shame.

All I can really add is have a cyber hug! It's really tough being pulled between generations. Many of us have been there and do get it, vent away day or night.

I agree that your dh needs to be firm with his parents over care, for his sisters sake too. Whether this is the end for mil, well all I can say is that they often rally, my ex grandparent in law was dnr, discharged to a care home then rallied and lived 2 years more, covid got her finally ironically

Thanks all.

Now to top it all off I have cystitis And had my second Covid jab yesterday (Az) & feeling a bit feverish. Talk about bad timing!