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Elderly parents
Original poster

Helping elderly relative move home - progress and thanks!

33 replies

deathbyprocrastination · 21/04/2021 21:31

I've recently been helping an elderly relative sort out their housing situation and had some terrific support from posters on here but had to have my last thread deleted because of difficult situation that arose with a third party. Anyway, I just wanted to follow up and let everyone know that I'm ok and so is my relative. I was absolutely dreading today and couldn't sleep last night but we went to her home and packed the most important bits of her stuff today and then left it with professional cleaners / clearers to sort out the rest (at eye-watering cost). It's been a rough and super stressful few days but I feel we've jumped a big hurdle today and that things are on the up. The other person/people who were being so unpleasant haven't been in touch again and I'm hoping I won't have any more dealings with them, though my relative will probably still choose to. Mainly this is just a thank you to the likes of @Candleabra
@MereDintofPandiculation
@growinggreyer
@janeexotic
@gazelda
and many more who I haven't mentioned. You're all lovely Flowers

OP posts:
CattingTime · 21/04/2021 22:00

I remember this one, hope you and your aunt are ok!

JaneExotic · 21/04/2021 22:22

Oh that’s so good. I hope your mum’s situation gets sorted too.

Original poster
deathbyprocrastination · 21/04/2021 23:19

Thanks both. We're ok - a bit wiped but ok.

DM situation still dragging on but hoping to have her new accommodation sorted soon as well.

OP posts:
Mum5net · 21/04/2021 23:38

OP, you have shown so much patience and kindness. It sounds as if the balance of power in your household has rightly been restored and soon you will be able to prioritise your own needs. Wishing you lots of time out and about with your immediate family in the coming months and that the two elderlies find an equilibrium that involves you less.

Original poster
deathbyprocrastination · 22/04/2021 07:57

Thank you for your thoughtful message - I still feel pretty guilty about the whole thing and stressed about what’s still to be resolved but time with my immediate family (and on my own!) is exactly what I’m hoping for a a bit more of going forwards! Getting DM moved in will be stressful and she’ll need a fair amount of support but I’m holding onto the fact that she won’t actually be living with us so we will get our space back at least and there will be boundaries in place. Thank you again

OP posts:
MereDintofPandiculation · 22/04/2021 08:11

You have no reason to assume guilt! You've gone above and beyond in dealing with this.

Please do come back in the future and let us know how things panned out. We won't forget you in a hurry and we'll all be hoping that everything turns out well for you.

constantsnaxking · 22/04/2021 12:16

I read this and thought you were amazingly kind to be so patient and helpful.

Original poster
deathbyprocrastination · 22/04/2021 12:46

Thank you both. I don't know if it's kindness exactly, I just somehow end up always being the default relative for getting stuff sorted for elderly relatives and I live in a permanent state of being both frustrated and irritated with them also very protective of them. I guess a lot of people are experiencing the same thing!

OP posts:
BunnyRuddington · 24/04/2021 22:24

I am so pleased that you've managed to find a solution that suits you, your family and your DA. Absolutely no need to feel guilty on how you've handled this, you've gone above and beyond Thanks

Original poster
deathbyprocrastination · 14/05/2021 10:19

Just returning to this thread for those who remember it (and the previous one that I asked to have deleted because it had become rather outing). Good news and bad:

Completing on new flat for DM today so she will be set up near us but in her own place so I can help with care. It's the end of a v long road so I'm just relieved that it is sorted (though organising her care going forwards is going to be a big commitment).

Bad news is that DA is now backtracking on her agreement to move into more suitable housing. She's apparently back on good terms with the people who were causing so much trouble before and is planning to get them to work on her original home so she can move back in again. (She hasn't told us this herself, we've heard it through a friend who she's been staying with temporarily to give us a break.) No mention of cost, timeline or where she's intending to live in the interim.

Anyway, I was just reflecting back on my original thread in which so many posters took time to post and warn me that this would happen. Turns out you/they were all right!

OP posts:
Mum5net · 14/05/2021 11:07

I guess DA is feeling stronger and refreshed by constant care, her meals made, her laundry done and in nice clean surroundings. Who'd have thought? Grin
The plus side is that she is not in your house.
I would ensure she signs up to the new more suitable housing (actually signs contract) before you even think of bringing her back to your house. Be emphatic there is no way back. Interestingly she is not telling you this news yet herself. I'd be tempted to go visit her at respite friends to say that as far as you are concerned its the more suitable housing or she's on her own as you are now focusing on your DM

Original poster
deathbyprocrastination · 14/05/2021 11:45

Thanks Mum5net - I really appreciate your message. I learnt all the above in an email from the friend she is staying with and I sent a long and carefully worded email last night setting out my concerns. I've been feeling terrible about it all morning but your message has made me feel so much better. Just wanted to make I wasn't being totally callous.

DM really is enough of a commitment, stuck on the phone right now sorting out her house insurance and utilities!

OP posts:
Miasicarisatia · 14/05/2021 12:10

Imo your aunt is enjoying the drama and attention that she gets from being in a housing crisis, I doubt she has a malicious mindset but I think that in a way she is playing you

JenniferWeCantGoWrong · 14/05/2021 12:36

You are so far from being callous. You are thoughtful, kind, caring and incredibly supportive- you've already gone above and beyond! You do have to have protective boundaries though and sadly your aunt appears intent on pushing them at the moment. I really feel for you.

Original poster
deathbyprocrastination · 14/05/2021 13:20

Thank you, both - appreciate the support. Going to call DA and her friend this afternoon and follow up

OP posts:
Mum5net · 14/05/2021 13:27

Gosh, you are the opposite of callous.
Your DA is absolutely enjoying the attention as Mia suggests. She has - not for the first time -overstepped the mark. By putting it out there that she may return to her plan A she is testing you and her current carer.
She has to be firmly told, No.
You are in a good position and have a strong hand. Don’t be blown off course by her again or indeed, anything. Hold your resolve.
Nip it in the bud.
If it makes it easier write her a letter sent recorded delivery.
^Dear Aunt, Great that you feel stronger. I’m really busy with your sister/ my mum. Just to be clear I’m happy to help you get moved into xxxx sheltered accommodation ASAP however, I don’t believe it is appropriate for you to move back to your old home even if it can be refurbished. If you are insistent that you move back there, I will have to withdraw my support. I have written this letter to show you how strongly I feel. Previously you were quite ambiguous about your plans but now clarity is essential.^
Or something along those lines.

Original poster
deathbyprocrastination · 14/05/2021 14:08

This is all really helping with the firming up of boundaries. Thank you!

I more or less wrote what you suggested in the email last night. I made clear:

  • exactly how bad things had been before we stepped in (friend did not have the full picture) and why I thought it wasn't sensible for her to go back to her old accommodation
  • that I think getting the house back to a liveable state will be much more costly and take a lot longer than anyone seems to be acknowledging
  • that I do not trust one bit the people she is entrusting to help her with this and that if she chooses to go ahead as planned I will not be helping to manage the situation.

I also asked what plans were for her accommodation in the meantime because we were expecting her back with us but she hasn't confirmed anything or communicated her new plans to us. I pointed out that she'd asked to stay with us for 3-4 weeks at the start of the year and, 14+ weeks in, she doesn't (as far as I know) even have a timeline or budget for the work so it could easily drag on for a year.

I hope having put all that in an email will be a wake-up call for all concerned but I also don't want the friend to think that I am leaving her to resolve everything. I just wanted to make it absolutely clear where I stand re this new plan and why.

OP posts:
Mum5net · 14/05/2021 14:27

deathby is it 14 weeks? Crikey.
Since you began posting 14 weeks ago you have toughened up in a good way. I think now DA will realise you are plenty capable of calling her bluff. However, she will still try it on. Keep posting and we will continue to assist with the firming of boundaries.

Original poster
deathbyprocrastination · 14/05/2021 14:37

Yes, it's that long believe it or not, and the first six weeks or so was full lockdown with everyone at home together all the time. I can't remember whether my first MN post was a bit after she moved in but she arrived with us at the start of Feb (after weeks of us suggesting she move in because we knew that things had got out of hand at home even though she didn't tell us the whole truth for another 8 weeks after that). I was very 'softly softly' about the whole thing for a long time and, as a number of wise posters predicted, it got me nowhere.

Thank you so much!

OP posts:
Creweventus · 19/05/2021 21:39

How are you this week OP?

Original poster
deathbyprocrastination · 20/05/2021 08:54

Thank you so much for asking, Creweventus. Basically, she's going on with the plan she wanted from the start (assisted by friend) to get property renovated by original people, then move back in. It seems a terrible idea but I've said what I think and no-one seems to be listening (or claims there is no alternative, though I think the alternatives just haven't been fully explored). I'm told the whole renovation project will take just six weeks, which seems really unlikely.

She's coming to us in the meantime, arriving at the weekend, but will stay between us and DM (who is moving nearby and has a carer going in each day). But I'm going to make it clear that if she goes ahead with the plan and moves back in, I'm not going to be responsible for managing her care after that.

I'm now starting to doubt myself and think I've somehow exaggerated the whole thing and that, with support, it's a perfectly reasonable solution for her. But I also just feel massively overstretched in general and I don't want to have to worry about her going forwards.

OP posts:
Mum5net · 21/05/2021 21:06

Hope DA still able to appear grateful and appreciative OP.
If she no further forward on her return to yours with dates-and budgets I would be printing off a list of sheltered homes in the area and handing them to her or leaving on her pillow. Then in assertive tones say you’ll be wanting to hear on Monday, when you stop work, how she got on with her phone calls. I would be making things less easier for her. She will stretch it out unless you ask her directly. I don’t want to give you a hard time OP but you need to give her clarity about what you expect her to be doing and make her dance to your tune rather than let her be in the driving seat.

CaptainAwkward · 23/05/2021 13:52

Oh @deathbyprocrastination I really wouldn’t let her stay with you. I remember you struggling with things like DA wanting to stay and watch telly with you and DH and giving you no space.
After the stress she’s put you through I’d suggest she stay with the interfering builder couple Flowers

Original poster
deathbyprocrastination · 25/05/2021 17:49

Thanks, both. You're both right, I just can't bring myself to turn her away. I did have a really firm chat with her yesterday after she'd arrived back. I said I thought it was a terrible terrible idea and that, while I can't stop her, I think she's making a really big mistake. I've made it clear I'll have no involvement with the builder and his wife but that I'm expecting them to stick to the stated timeline (according to which they'd be finished in less than 5 weeks from now, which seems very unlikely). So her friend is doing all the liaising with them though it still doesn't sound as if anyone has seen any costs for anything.

Once she's back in her old place, I've made it clear that I can't commit to any regular care responsibility. DM moved into her new place at the weekend. Just moving her stuff, unpacking, getting the place decorated and getting everything set up for her has been an epic amount of work. It's really clear she's deteriorated a lot and is going to need a huge amount of support going forwards so I'm leaving DA to her own devices most of the time though i do cook for her and pick up prescriptions (and clear up the regular spillages!)

OP posts:
TheSaltLine · 25/05/2021 21:39

@CaptainAwkward

Oh *@deathbyprocrastination* I really wouldn’t let her stay with you. I remember you struggling with things like DA wanting to stay and watch telly with you and DH and giving you no space. After the stress she’s put you through I’d suggest she stay with the interfering builder couple Flowers

I agree. It's ok to prioritise your own family, it doesn't make you a bad person.

Also, just be aware there's a lot of building supply shortages at the moment and these are adding lots of time to project timelines.

She's treating you really badly OP, really taking advantage of your kindness.