Any tips for dealing with lonely parent.

[Imtoooldforallthis]

Just that really, mum is 83, has dementia but still lives alone and cares for herself. She is gradually getting worse but for the time being is fine at home. Except she is really lonely. She only has me, I call to see her every day but only for half an hour. Usually take her out on a weekend for a couple of hours and she has a meal with us once a week. I can't do much more. Whenever I see her she is depressed and in tears usually because she can't get her words out or can't remember stuff. She needs company but all the visiting schemes are not doing home visits. Has anyone any suggestions?

Worth getting a cleaner/ carer companion person started now as sadly things will only deteriorate.
Contact local carers companies- local council may have lists, or ask for local recommendations.
Is she eligible for attendance allowance?non means tested. Worth looking at to help fund support. Get help completing it from age uk / carers uk as they know the right words
Alzheimer’s association may have some advice.🌺🌺

It may sound daft but one of my elderly relatives had a budgie which she loved - would something like that work or not?(it would, to be practical, have to be something you'd be prepared to take in when she has to go into residential care as some take pets but not all).
Loneliness was definitely an issue in her later years even though we lived quite close by, as I remember, as a kid, reading my way through the stacks of Watchtower and Awake! that she got because she'd always ask the JWs in for tea and a chat.

She has a cat she loves and talks to. She used to read and watch telly, but more and more she is just sat in her chair looking into space.

I really feel for her and you, it can't be nice thinking of her like that.

If she's often crying and seems depressed, could you speak to her GP? If she didn't give you POA before her diagnosis, the GP still may listen to your concerns about her MH, even if they can't tell you anything.

Has she got a SW too? A SW may be able to sort out some daycare for her. As a PP said, Attendance Allowance is useful fir things like Carers or Cleaners. Although she would probably need a Care Assessment before she could have access to Daycare sessions.

Also agree that it's probably a good idea to speak to the Alzheimer's Association before things deteriorate much further

So got POA, she gets attendance allowance but doesn't want a cleaner /companion. She wants her car back so she can have her independence which is obviously not going to happen. She is not ready to go into care its just she is on her own for 23 hours a day and is very unhappy. If I ask her what she wants she just says she doesn't want to be like this.

Huge sympathy because I love my parents and watching them get old and suffer whilst juggling my life to make time for them (which was never enough) was a very stressful and upsetting time.

We paid for two hours cleaner a day to help but this was £1000 a month...

Social services were useful if you wanted to hear someone say ‘sorry but we can’t help you’ a lot....

My mum was assessed for CHC twice and failed twice despite very advanced dementia. Her 2nd fail was notified to us only when I enquired about nursing home fees for probate as she had died. The irony that she failed because her dementia wasn’t advanced enough but the same dementia caused her to die through failure to eat was not lost on me. The social worker could barely bring herself to say it.

It is so so hard caring and loving an elderly parent with dementia.

So got POA, she gets attendance allowance but doesn't want a cleaner /companion. She wants her car back so she can have her independence which is obviously not going to happen. She is not ready to go into care its just she is on her own for 23 hours a day and is very unhappy. If I ask her what she wants she just says she doesn't want to be like this

So glad you've got POA, we've found it invaluable with some of our elderly relatives.

If she's not ready for full time care perhaps just daycare where she'll probably get a meal, an activity suited to her Dementia and some company may be a good way to help her right now?

I don't want to drop feed but just a bit more info. She has been diagnosed with alzeimers but she has had a couple of mini strokes which I think are affecting her more. She knows who everybody is and there names but she can't seem to use her brain. By that I mean she know what she wants to say but the words won't come out. She knows what she wants to do but can't remember how. The consequences are that she is aware of it all and it upsets her immensely. She can't deal with any technology, struggles with the TV guide on the telly, can't use a mobile phone or tablet. She sewed all her life but her hands are shot so she has given away her expensive sewing machine and all her materials. She can't knit or crochet anymore, can't do jigsaws. The only thing she can do is potter in the garden, but if the weather's bad she can't do that.

It must be so incredibly frustrating and upsetting for her. DMIL seemed to have very similar awareness before she suddenly deteriorated.

Have you managed to pick up any tips from this thread?

Day care was oddly much cheaper than 2hrs of someone visiting. They would collect in a minibus and take relative to a residential home and they all sat in a lounge together, music, games, tea and biscuits, lunch, activities....sounds a bit grim but might break the week up?

Sending big hugs. Very similar situation here. It’s heartbreaking and the guilt I feel is crushing sometimes

I'm not sure day care is running, and I'm not sure she would like it although I would definately try. She is very proud but is not very social, she was never one to join a group. I don't think there is an answer, in some ways I wish she would deteriorate quickly, I know that sounds horrible but she just doesn't want to live like this. I just wish I could give her some small pleasure in life.

Staying in your own home for as long as possible isn't always the very best thing that everyone thinks it is. Especially when it's resulting in a poor quality of life.
The default answer to a care home will always be no. But as an ex district nurse I've seen people absolutely thrive in the right one. Company, companionship, stimulation. A routine to follow, someone providing meals etc to remove the anxiety. Hairdressers and chiropodists to chat to. Day trips.
She absolutely sounds ready for at least day care. Today is the best she will ever be and she wouldn't expect you to do much more as time goes on surely?
What she needs over what she wants will gradually take precedence.

@cptartapp that is put so well. My DMIL has Dementia and I've never really thought of it in terms of "today is the best she will be", I quite like that as it seems to put the emphasis on enjoying the day with her whilst planning for the future.

I also agree that people can thrive in the right care home. DFIL was very keen to keep her at home but really had no idea what caring for someone with Dementia entailed and was coving up how much they weren't coping as he felt that putting her in a CH was failing. We've had many, many discussions about how this was actually a very positive step and how she is more settled and happier now.

Agree to that OP's DM sounds ready for at least Daycare a couple of times a week.

When my late father struggled with loneliness after my mother died I phoned him once a day but lived too far away to visit.

Something that helped him was getting an Alexa. Didn't need any technical ability as it's just voice operated. I set it all up for him and told him what to say. He used to say good morning and good night to her and he'd ask her to tell him historical facts about the day or do a little quiz. It didn't solve the problem, but it definitely helped him feel that there was 'someone' there to talk to.

@Imtoooldforallthis

I'm not sure day care is running, and I'm not sure she would like it although I would definately try. She is very proud but is not very social, she was never one to join a group. I don't think there is an answer, in some ways I wish she would deteriorate quickly, I know that sounds horrible but she just doesn't want to live like this. I just wish I could give her some small pleasure in life.

It would be definately worth looking at day care options....with dementia often people’s personalities can change a bit ( or a lots) and You may find that she will find enjoyment in other people’s company.

My mum is in exactly the same position OP. At 90 the majority of the small group of friends she had have passed. She has always been exclusive and quite difficult to spend time with.

We have tried with carers but she takes a dislike to them and is full of complaints. I appreciate it is difficult to put up with strangers coming into her house, she treats them as cleaners rather than carers and says they don’t do any work when they come. She complains that her meals are not cooked properly and are all the same. We visit every day and have decided to start doing her lunches and stop the carers as at least we will know they are good proper meals.

She will always be the type of person where nothing is ever good enough and she comes across as having a life full of regrets. We moved to her town 6 years ago to be close to her whilst my brother is on the other side of the world. We do all her shopping, all her paperwork and all of the household odd jobs as she is not capable. She can see she has support but she not surprisingly regrets not being able to do these things for herself any more.

Like you OP I wish that the dementia progresses to the point where we are forced into accepting she must go into a home. This interim time is heartbreaking for her and for us. We can’t believe anything she says she has done as quite often she thinks she has done something such as had breakfast but in reality she hasn’t.

Dementia is horrible, but it is made even worse when it happens to people who are so exclusive (narcissistic?) that they don’t want to have to accept advice and help.

Do you have any care groups in her area. We have one where they have volunteers who will visit people in their homes, just for a chat or do whatever. They are doing it at the moment as I have a friend that has a couple of people she sees regularly.

It’s hard and there are discussions to be had that support her to look forwards.
Would she consider a residential home where there were activities and transport available to enable her to go out? She might not need it now, but she might like it now, particularly if her cat could come too. That way as she becomes more frail, the care is already available.

Could she have an account with a local taxi firm to enable her to go out more? As cheap as running a car and firms with school transport contracts are DBS checked. Alternatively most areas have community transport/dial a ride type services. Her GP or the council website would usually show them.

Look at what social activities there are local to her. Age Concern often provide clubs with activities and lunch. Some enable access to other services such as a falls prevention clinician, a podiatrist or bathing facility.

Ask local authority to carry out assessment of need. It’s free. They can look at how to enable her to remain in her home for longer (or guide her towards a higher level of care). They can reduce risk of falls, which is a big problem for older people.

There are things like Silver Line, which offers support by telephone to older people.

If you were thinking outside box, would she consider a lodging partnership scheme where she gets company and a young person to do odd jobs in exchange for a spare room?

Thank you fir all you suggestions, age UK are not doing home visits at the moment, and she is not very good on the phone as her hearing is not too good. Some days she is not too bad and she does all her own cooking and cleaning. As for a residential home, I'm not sure, she has no money and although she is lonely, I know the one thing she wouldn't give up is her garden. She had had lots of assessments and recently had some grab rails fitted. U guess I'll just have to wait until restrictions are lifted and see what's available then.

she is not very good on the phone as her hearing is not too good.

I'm sure I read recently that poor hearing can be associated with loss of cognition. I'd been reading up as my DM's hearing had suddenly got worse.

I booked DM in for a hearing check and they adjusted her hearing aids, I've also bought her a phone through RNID which seems to have helped.

If she has no money, is she getting everything she's entitled to? Things like Attendance Allowance, Pension Credit and Single Person discount on her Council Tax can all help. I recently did DFIL's energy and phone suppliers which has saved him £100 a month.

Like a PP said about daycare, their personalities can change with Dementia. My really rather reserved and serious DMIL walks around the CH chatting and laughing with the other residents like it's all just one big social event. It might just be worth giving it a try or at least discussing it with her SW?

Day care referrals for new clients are just starting up again/ will be soon, as restrictions lift.

Also most LAs have COVID helplines for telephone support during Covid times for lonely older people disabled people although that'll stop soon

Your mum has just been diagnosed with dementia, has word finding difficulties, gets distressed and anxious regularly and needs help to occupy herself and maintain her mental well-being. There's a worthy referral to adult services / adult health and care there under The Care Act 2014 for an assessment - ring your LA. They may even offer telecare too and think of things you didn't know about.

Also you can put in an attendance allowance claim to DWP (look it up online but don't pay someone to do the form, download the form from HMGov website and ask CAB to help complete it with you) - and contact local day care centres yourself to pay privately if you want (usually in the region of £40-50 per day) for eg once a week and other luncheon and social clubs she could go to.

It may be a wait for a care act needs assessment - as LAs are incredibly busy right now during Covid period- and they may just give advice of low level services available you can try first as part of a wellbeing (initial) assessment , but ask mum and she agrees, do the referral now (with her sat beside you if possible to give verbal permission or details you might not know like her GP)

If your mum'S hearing is impaired you can support her in telephone and relay information to and from. Also, LAs have hard of hearing services and HoH clubs which are also social opportunities, as long as she has been diagnosed by doctor or audiologist as needing a hearing aid (even if she declined them).

If you Google her local authority (county council) they will have information on their website

You mentioned gardening. Does she have a greenhouse? If so tidy it up a bit and clean it out, pop a small table and chair in there for her and set up some gardening projects she could do when the weather is bad, maybe some interesting plants like orchids.