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Elderly parents
Original poster

Do I have to be the one to tell DF he shouldn't drive on the motorway ?

42 replies

rookiemere · 17/03/2021 17:42

So I'm 50 and DM is early 80s and DF is 87.
I went to visit them today - haven't been for a couple of months and is permitted in a caring capacity. They live an hour away.

DF is a rubbish driver, has always been really, always wanting to overtake is kind of jerky driving, just not great. He likes to drive and pre covid always drove the couple of miles down to the supermarket carpark to buy a paper every day. He can do this fine, and has maintained some local driving through the lockdowns.

However pre covid they used to come and stay with us. DM is now saying - privately to me only - that she doesn't want DF driving on the motorway to us, doesn't think it's safe. She can drive, but DF is an awful passenger, prone to shouting at other drivers and getting in a rage and DM doesn't like driving with him as a passenger.

He's now talking about wanting to visit us once they've had their second vaccination and travel around Scotland restrictions are lifted ( I'd really appreciate if we don't get into conversation about what is and isn't allowed because of Covid). DM doesn't want him to drive, but has not said so directly and is pretending it's because of covid. They almost had a bit of an argument in front of me about it.

We'd happily come and pick them up and bring them to ours or do all the visiting, but DF would question why.

I really don't want to tell DF he shouldn't drive, I feel it's up to DM. As I say I'll happily do the ferrying once they're in the position to accept it. I'm an only DC btw - do I have to tell him ?

OP posts:
RandomMess · 17/03/2021 17:46

Report him to DVLA?

Bunnybigears · 17/03/2021 17:47

Can you offer to go o him but make him think its for some other reason than his driving. Likewise will come to you because while im there I want to do xyz this local to them etc

Aquamarine1029 · 17/03/2021 17:48

I think you and your mum should speak to him about this at the same time, as a family. That way neither one of you is "the bad guy." Due to his age and unsafe driving, this needs to be addressed as soon as possible before a tragedy happens.

Original poster
rookiemere · 17/03/2021 17:48

I wouldn't report him to DVLA. He's fine for small drives that are local, besides I think he'd figure out who reported him.

OP posts:
Bunnybigears · 17/03/2021 17:49

Report him to DVLA?

Who will do what exactly? I had a car crash caused by an elderly driver, the policeman said it was more likely than not caused by his age/declining health but couldn't do anything about it he said it was only the Doctor who could report someone to DVLA

RusholmeRuffian · 17/03/2021 17:49

This is a really tough situation and there is no easy solution without causing upset. I know because I have been in your shoes. My Dad's driving went downhill and my Mum felt unsafe in the car with him but he would get really upset if anyone said anything. Being able to drive is independence and who wants that taken away? If he isn't safe on the road he is putting others in danger and that's not acceptable. We ended up taking with my Dad's GP. She contacted the DVLA and they arranged a test. He failed spectacularly and they took his licence. It was awful but an accident caused by an unsafe driver is potentially a million times worse.

Purplewithred · 17/03/2021 17:53

If you think he's not safe to be driving you really do need to say something - how would you feel if he caused an accident?

If you're going to talk to him do you have concrete examples of times he's nearly caused an accident?

You can report him anonymously on the DVLA website. I did this for DFiL, none of us had the guts to tell him to his face that he shouldn't be driving any more although we all said he had to report his dementia diagnosis to the DVLA (very early dementia, you would never have known in a conversation). Reporting him worked and he got his licence removed and the world is a much safer place for it.

He was furious but thinks it was his GP. He's a terrible passenger too. But better a terrible passenger than a terrible driver.

I have given my children permission to tell me when it's time to stop driving.

TheVanguardSix · 17/03/2021 17:54

Someone has to tell him, OP. If your mum can't/won't tell him, better that it comes from you than having his license revoked because he reversed into a person. You pretty much have a responsibility here to tell him, hard as it is.
Unfortunately, you can only report to the DVLA if he has a medical condition that inhibits his ability to drive safely. If he's a danger, you'd have to report to the police. Do feel free to correct me if I am wrong, fellow MNers. But I think this is the case.
I really feel for you. We had the same scenario with FIL. DH's sister is in Oz, so it was on us to really level with him about his endangerment to others (he'd had a couple of really close calls where he could have seriously harmed others, so we felt a moral obligation to tell him time's up on the driving. Not easy to do.).

PragmaticWench · 17/03/2021 17:55

You'd need to speak with your DF's GP and they can report so that your DF has to take a practical test. There are centres particularly for these tests.

Personally I think you should support your DM here, stiffen your spine and help her. What if your DF shouts her down, drives and crashes?

CrabPuff · 17/03/2021 17:55

Your mother can say it makes her nervous and feel unsafe, with you there - and you can back her up “I don’t want you to feel stressed about motorway driving, I’ll come and get you” and if your DF gets stroppy ask him to just take her feelings into consideration rather than focus on him wanting to drive.

Make it more about him supporting her feeling more nervous about motorways as time passes and less about his driving.

Disfordarkchocolate · 17/03/2021 17:55

Yup you do. If he's not safe to drive on motorways and his wife won't tell him you need too. I think he will ignore you though.

TheVanguardSix · 17/03/2021 17:56

If he's a danger, you'd have to report to the police

Let me rephrase this: If he's a danger on the road but there's no evidence of an existing medical condition, you'd have to report to the police.

redcandlelight · 17/03/2021 17:57

if he's not safe do drive on the motorway he's not safe to drive anywhere tbh.

ProperVexed · 17/03/2021 18:04

As his relative with this knowledge you have a responsibility to society to stop him driving. He could easily lose control and cause injury or death to himself, his passenger or an innocent person. This happens.
I acknowledge that it is a difficult thing to do as he will see it as losing independence, but it must be done.
I was instrument in getting FIL to stop driving...he had been diagnosed with dementia but MIL and DHs two brothers insisted that he was ok to drive. It caused a huge family divide but I know that I did the right thing.
Have a conversation with the GP to start with.

Bunnybigears · 17/03/2021 18:06

Let me rephrase this: If he's a danger on the road but there's no evidence of an existing medical condition, you'd have to report to the police.

The police wouldn't be able to do anything unless he had actually caused an accident and even then as per my personal experience above they still might not be able to do anything.

oil0W0lio · 17/03/2021 18:12

She contacted the DVLA and they arranged a test
Surely we need mandatory tests!!
As said driving represents freedom and independence (along with masculinity for men often) and so we instinctively tend to cling to it as we age

cptartapp · 17/03/2021 18:21

Tell him one way or the other.
My DM was killed by a pensioner drifting into oncoming traffic. He also killed a woman in her 40's and badly injured others. He had no recollection.
He got a suspended sentence and my GC have no grandma now, and I have no parents.

Original poster
rookiemere · 17/03/2021 18:26

Thanks for all the responses.

He wouldn't drive on the motorway without DM and she's refusing to go - citing Covid at the minute which is true as I'm allowed to go to them to deliver care items but not vice versa.

I genuinely think he's ok on a short route that he knows, it's not really down to any physical inability to drive so I doubt a GP would tell him he couldn't, more of a temperament issue coupled with not coping well with an unfamiliar route.

I think he's due an eye test soon, I could suggest to DM that she asks them to check if he's safe to drive, but I think his eyesight is ok.

OP posts:
Original poster
rookiemere · 17/03/2021 18:26

I wish there were mandatory tests at 5 year increments post 80.

OP posts:
Cloverleaf20 · 17/03/2021 18:29

Definitely needs reporting, he could end up killing himself or others !! You will be doing him a favour to be honest !! Scary to think of drivers like this on our Rds

RandomMess · 17/03/2021 18:37

I think we should have mandatory tests from 50 tbh. Scarily following a stroke because none of the medics said differently I was allowed to decide for myself I could drive again after waiting the mandatory month ShockShockShock I would have preferred there had been some sort of test even if it was a computer one to check my executive function.

He may be safe on familiar routes but what if someone unfamiliar happens or there is a diversion or similar?

Our abilities can decline so slowly it's frightening. Our very elderly neighbour still drives and sometimes she gets scarily close to hitting our house!

Elieza · 17/03/2021 18:39

Why don’t you go on the advanced drivers website and see if they still plan to do those sessions they used to to assess your driving? I think it was like £40 or something. Presumably they will start them again after covid or once we are all jabbed.

That’s the way I would play it. They will soon tell him what they think of his driving ability.

You do it too and say you’d like the both of you to do one as it’s been a while since either of you have done much long distance driving due to covid and it will be helpful to get us assessed - who knows if we are good we might get a discount on our insurance as good drivers cost insurance companies less. It will remind us of all our bad habits too so we can be better drivers! Etc etc.

The police won’t care but they can come in handy to persuade old tins to give up their license after a crash, but without a crash they won’t get involved as his license is still valid.

Elieza · 17/03/2021 18:39

Old yins.

idontlikealdi · 17/03/2021 18:42

You need to talk to him. My family have recently had to do the same with my 90 yo uncle. None of them wanted to feel guilt for a tragedy.

I watched a traffic cops programme yesterday where an elderly man literally drove into someone's house, nearly died and took out a gas pipe.

CheshireCats · 17/03/2021 18:45

I think you are in denial op. He is 87 and, by your own description a bad driver prone to road rage.
Your judgement is being clouded because he is your Father. What if he has an accident- what if he were to kill someone? And you knew all along his driving wasn't safe...
Either tell him yourself his driving days are over, or get his GP to report to DVLA.
Yes, it's his independence, but is that really more important than saving someone being injured or worse?

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