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Elderly parents
Original poster

Mum has moved in down the road...

28 replies

Anonymum40 · 07/03/2021 19:22

My DF died nearly 2 years ago and after much procrastination my 82yo mum has finally moved out of the family home and into a flat in sheltered accom 5 minutes from us.

She is obviously unsettled at the moment and I am probably panicking prematurely, but she is sooo needy. She seems to have no idea how to entertain herself. She won't watch TV until after 6 (it's always been the rule since the 70s!). She doesn't read, she has no interests and can't entertain herself. She also rejects any forms of technology as 'too complicated', without even trying. Her life purpose was looking after my dad. Now she's clueless. Incidentelly he worshipped her, though he would admit himself that she could be 'very difficult' at times.

I was excited about her moving to her new flat. My sister and I arranged all the removals and made it all lovely before she stepped foot inside. Her first comment 'oh it's cold' and 'it could do with some pictures', then a sort of ongoing sulk. She's obviously nervous about it all. But her ability to push my buttons means I'm permanently feeling guilty and on edge. My sister - who she's always had a tricky relationship with - thinks she's narcissistic and slmply can't compute if things aren't revolving around her. Which actually makes sense now I've had more exposure recently.

I was hoping she'd make some friends and embrace her new town but so far all I've heard is moaning and self-pity and it's worrying the hell out of me. Obviously lock down isn't helping her make friends.

Am I panicking prematurely??.

OP posts:
thesandwich · 07/03/2021 19:34

How long ago did your dm move? It will be such a big change for her and COVID doesn't help at all.
Sounds like you've done a great job making it lovely for her.
After many years supporting dm I am trying to remember it is not my job to make her happy and I try and accept I never will. Not easy.
She's got to find her own way- and be careful what patterns you set up and are happy to sustain.
And look after yourself

Mum5net · 07/03/2021 19:38

And breathe Grin
Very well done on helping her downsize to something safe and local. No mean feat. Many of us on here have failed this stage.

StillWeRise · 07/03/2021 19:45

she has moved at a very difficult time
I have a similar arrangement although my DM lives completely independently. She had been here for a few years before covid, and settled in really well, attending lots of groups and making friends in the church etc.
Sadly of course all those have been stopped. She coped well with the first lockdown (we did all shopping etc) but is finding it harder this time round.
I'd start researching now to find the local groups that might interest your mum, so when things start up you can encourage her to go. Is there anything you might enjoy doing together...choir? crafts? local history? yoga?
Remember too that 2 years is still a short time to be grieving your life partner.
good luck- even if it's hard, remember that if she ever needs significan support from you it will be much, much easier with her nearby.

Original poster
Anonymum40 · 07/03/2021 19:54

Thank you for your comments. OK, I admit, it's been less than a week since she moved in... but it's been intense!

Where she is now is perfectly placed for the local town, shops, U3A, entertainments etc, we just need it to all open up again!

In the meantime I need to work on building my own boundaries. Like you say, I'm not responsible for her happiness, though she would happily make me feel that way! She's already announced she doesn't like the local supermarket and wants me to take her to the bigger one every week. Even despite the Covid risk, that's too much for me, it would take hours!! I hate that she's lonely but I guess I need to remember that she'll never establish her own routines and take responsibility for her happiness if I jump everytime she calls...

OP posts:
Rtmhwales · 07/03/2021 19:57

What has she been doing to entertain herself in the last year or so since you said DF died nearly two years ago?

DogsSausages · 07/03/2021 20:00

Is there a warden who arranges activities or social meet ups. Her new g.p surgery may offer social prescriving and organise events. There must be a local mutual aid group who could befriend her and offer to help with shopping. Would she like a pet to look after.

Original poster
Anonymum40 · 07/03/2021 20:01

I really don't know. It's just become apparent that there's a lot of sitting and staring and sighing happening... She will read a book if someone she likes has recommended it. She does a bit of knitting. She goes to the shops (though she's not supposed to - I've been doing her food shopping for months). She's not English by birth so doesn't enjoy English telly/media much...

OP posts:
DogsSausages · 07/03/2021 20:08

There might be local knit n knatter groups, libraries also hold activity groups. Does she like listening to the radio, what language does she speak, there could be international TV channels available. There might be people here who know the area she has moved to.

ICouldHaveCheckedFirst · 07/03/2021 20:09

Slightly different scenario, but... About 9 months after being widowed, MIL had to move into a nursing home, all arranged and managed by DH. The first 2 weeks were hell (for us). She maintained that she'd been kidnapped, that DH and I were "just crooks" who were after her money (!) etc. All of this was yelled at full volume when we went to visit.
Basically she was railing against the unwelcome situation she found herself in. So yes, I suspect you are panicking prematurely. But you have had good advice upthread.

wandawombat · 07/03/2021 20:15

I used to try to make my MiL and DM happy. The penny finally dropped that they are happy being unhappy and are reluctant to sort themselves out a lot of the time.

Even in their 80's, they can make an effort to find their own entertainment. If your MiL was enabled by your FiL, it's going to take a long time for her to adjust but so long as she is fed, watered and safe, then she's ok.

Hidinginstaircupboard · 07/03/2021 20:23

Your mum would have been sat doing nothing at the family home too. The difference is she has less housework to do now (& no house maintenance) with a smaller flat.

It's really early days as she's only just moved into her flat. There will be a bit of grieving for leaving behind her family home and all those memories, including those with your dad and you and your Dsis growing up.

We're still in Covid lockdown, you can't fix this for her really as lots of lonely people out there isolated because of pandemic.
However in a sheltered scheme there will be social activities that will start up again in due course when it's safe - she can choose to join in those or not. Similarly she can choose to watch TV or not when she wants or who she makes friends with, when people can mix again.

Be supportive but keep clear boundaries about what you can do, it's her life to make it what she wants.

Suzi888 · 07/03/2021 20:35

It’ll be so hard for her, she’s probably missing her home and all the memories that went with it. Adjusting to a new home during covid, I’d struggle on my own tooSad

Beamur · 07/03/2021 20:41

Really really early days.
You say she's a bit of a technophobe... but have you considered something like Alexa?
Are there any social groups for people from her home country? She might find some like minded souls.
Well done for getting her to move somewhere safer and close to you. Whilst it might be a bit stressful while you all settle into this, it's such a good idea to plan ahead.

Alienchannell21 · 07/03/2021 20:53

She's probably just feeling very unsettled as it's a big move for anyone , never mind doing it on her own (I know that you helped but still). Give her some more time and maybe put more structure in. Get her a weekly calendar and put in times you'll visit her / take her for coffee or whatever.

ineedaholidaynow · 07/03/2021 21:36

We did similar when my DF died 3 years ago. My DM took a bit of time to settle but soon joined in with a number of activity and made friends with a number of the other residents.

Problem is now with COVID restrictions they are not allowed to have these activities and are not allowed to meet up with the communal areas. My DM does get quite lonely at times now.

So it is a really tough time to move and meet new people. Hopefully, as the restrictions begin to lift activities will start again. Do you think your DM will join in when she can?

MereDintofPandiculation · 08/03/2021 09:57

@Suzi888

It’ll be so hard for her, she’s probably missing her home and all the memories that went with it. Adjusting to a new home during covid, I’d struggle on my own tooSad
Even worse if you're 80. I'd solve the problem by throwing myself into voluntary activities, but if you're an 80 year old woman, you're more likely to seem like a potential liability rather than a person with something to offer.

But just because it's difficult for her, that doesn't mean it's your problem to solve. There's no net gain if getting one person's life on track means derailing another person's life.

Bluesername · 08/03/2021 10:03

Can you help her choose some pictures to go on the walls? Would she listen to audiobooks?

ineedaholidaynow · 08/03/2021 10:11

Can she do any crafts like knitting? My DM has got into puzzle books, I also bought her colouring book and pencils. Many of the other residents do jigsaws (used to be one that all residents could do in the communal lounge but that is obviously off limits)

Would she watch box sets during the day. I have bought my DM quite a few, many of them old series we used to watch when I was a child eg original series of Poldark. She too doesn’t like technology so doesn’t have internet access.

Is there a garden at the flats she can potter around in? Tidying up the borders and pots has kept some residents busy over the last few months and means they can chat to other people from a safe distance

deathbyprocrastination · 08/03/2021 14:22

@Anonymum40 Really feel for you. All being well (!) I'll be in a similar situation soon. Currently trying to sell DM's flat and find her something accessible around the corner from us and she is very much of the 'every silver lining has a cloud' school of thought. I've been trying to hard to find her the perfect place within her budget, have managed the whole process (and it's been super stressful because the first buyer pulled out) but I feel I have to work really hard to boost her mood all the time.

Anyway, you've done a really good thing in getting everything set up for her - so give yourself a massive pat on the back. You def have to set boundaries and I'm afraid I can't give you any advice on that front because I am terrible at it.

Some entertainment ideas:

  • Do you have DC? Are they of an age where they could pop in once a week and play a game of cards with her or something? I'm assuming (perhaps wrongly) that she is in your bubble.
  • Alexa suggestion is a good one and once things start opening up again there will be more options.
  • Audio books have been great for DM (I gave her a bunch of them for xmas and she's been really happy with them)
  • Does she have friends she can chat to on the phone? Perhaps you could suggest she schedules a catch-up with one of them (or other family members) each day so she has a routine of some sort?
  • Admin tasks: I don't know how realistic this is but when DM kept asking me if I'd managed to get a reduction on her electricity bill I fired it back at her, gave her all the details and said why didn't see if she could get hold of them. Might give her a sense of purpose and being in control if she can manage the odd thing on her own?

As others have said it is going to be a big adjustment for her and a hard time in some ways but she also has a lot to be grateful for and it is absolutely not your job to keep her happy. Best of luck, I really feel for you.

Original poster
Anonymum40 · 08/03/2021 19:55

Thank you everyone for your thought and comments, I'm really chuffed. I'm feeling a lot more positive about it today and you've given me lots of ideas. I went down to her flats today and met a few more of the residents on the way in and out, there are some lovely people living there so I hope she'll make some friends when it gets easier to meet up.

I've also chased her hip replacement op and they are seeing her this week for a pre-op check. So that's the next challenge coming up. The fun never stops when you're caring for the elderly...

OP posts:
BunnyRuddington · 08/03/2021 20:39

The fun never stops when you're caring for the elderly...

Ain't that the truth! Grin

FinallyHere · 09/03/2021 20:19

Alexa is a really good shout. I know a couple of elderly people who struggled with phones and remote controls but get on with Alexa like a house in fire.

And Alexa can play audio books from audible.co.Uk. 'S brilliant.

Knowing what language she speaks would be good to track down some non English tv channels. Imagine this she might be gripped by a soap opera in a language from her youth. Good luck.

Original poster
Anonymum40 · 09/03/2021 21:54

She's German (I might out myself at this rate!) I bought her an Alexa but her broadband isn't installed yet. Audiobooks are a great idea, especially if I can get German ones...

OP posts:
AChickenCalledDaal · 09/03/2021 22:13

My dad made a similar move a year ago. It will take time to settle, but keep reminding yourself that she probably was spending quite a lot of time with little to do before she moved. The difference is you are now seeing it first hand.

Hopefully her be neighbours will be welcoming and will find ways to get to know her, despite the restrictions. Is there a garden? Socially distanced coffee in the garden was a bit of a breakthrough for dad in terms of meeting his new neighbours; when the weather was nice they were all out there on well spaced out benches!

WanderleyWagon · 11/03/2021 16:51

Congratulations on making the move happen - that's a huge challenge. Kudos to you.

Re: other questions, I can't do better than @Hidinginstaircupboard's advice above:

"Be supportive but keep clear boundaries about what you can do, it's her life to make it what she wants."