Struggling after my mum passed

[Sja36]

Hi everyone..my lovely mum died 4 months ago from cancer in her early 50s..hurts like he'll and I miss her so much..

My mums parents are still here..mothers day is approaching and I stuck what to do..for years my lovely mum always got her mum something from me as well as her for mothers day..and I always had a little moan about why I need to buy her something when she's not my mum..but I did it anyway as it seemed to be a tradition..

Now I feel like this year I can't do it..im a mum myself and just want to spend my day visiting the cemetery and being with my daughter..im stuck on if I should maybe just send a card in the post to keep the peace ? Or just do what my heart says and have this year off from buying or sending card? We're not very close but I do speak to her once a week or so since my mum passed 😢

Shes only mentioned my mum once in 4 months 😔 so I feel angry she's not visited the cemetery and I just feel she's being cold
I'm struggling with grief still and I don't no what to do for the best ?

🌺🌺I’m sorry for your loss.
Follow your heart for you and your dd.

Thank you..I think I should follow my heart even just this once
Thanks for replying x

Sending love and strength. Lost my dad to cancer in his early 50s too. It's horrible. Regarding Mother's Day, do whatever makes you happy. Maybe a card in the post would be a nice gesture but make sure you spend your day how you want to. X

Sorry for your loss, and so young, too. So your mum's mum has lost her daughter? You don’t expect to lose your mum so young. But equally you don’t expect your children to go before you. She may not feel able to visit the cemetery. Grieving happens in many ways. Being cold may be the result of holding feelings in. But this is the first year that she won’t get a Mother’s Day card from her daughter. I doubt whether getting or not getting one from her granddaughter will figure high in her thoughts.

@Daisythecow34

Sending love and strength. Lost my dad to cancer in his early 50s too. It's horrible. Regarding Mother's Day, do whatever makes you happy. Maybe a card in the post would be a nice gesture but make sure you spend your day how you want to. X

I'm sorry to here about your dad..your right it's horrible 😞...ye im really torn what to do ..maybe a card in the post want harm ? Maybe a card that doesn't say mothers day ?

@MereDintofPandiculation

Sorry for your loss, and so young, too. So your mum's mum has lost her daughter? You don’t expect to lose your mum so young. But equally you don’t expect your children to go before you. She may not feel able to visit the cemetery. Grieving happens in many ways. Being cold may be the result of holding feelings in. But this is the first year that she won’t get a Mother’s Day card from her daughter. I doubt whether getting or not getting one from her granddaughter will figure high in her thoughts.

Yes maybe your right..maybe she holds feelings in..were I don't.. she never helped financially towards the funeral she has always been a bit of a cold fish..no support in any way from her so far.. She will get mothers day presents from her son my mums brother..I just feel I can't this time..but then I domt want her to think I don't care

She probably hasn't mentioned your mum to you in case it upsets you - and her - in the process. As MereDintofPandiculation says, grief isn't simple. Your anger is as much about feeling abandoned and the unfairness of it all, understandably, as it is with the perceived coldness of your grandmother.
She probably doesn't deserve your displaced feelings and would no doubt be happier with a card from you. You're both a link to your lovely mum which is worth something.

A neutral ish card? What feels right for you.

With the greatest of respect it’s different when your child dies. She might still be in denial. It’s tough because you would think a gran might be a source of support but unless you were close while your mum was alive and viewed her like a second mum it rarely tends to happen that way.

Just do whatever feels right to you. If that means just keeping mothers day between you and your dd then so be it.

Ye its difficult...my mum and gran wasn't close either..my granny is hard work..she's quite selfish
We don't live in the same town me and my mum moved away when I was young so was just special occasions we would meet up
I nursed my mum while my gran sat back and left me to..so its hard to make this simple decision on if I send a card this year or not

Ye I wouldn’t do it then. Sounds like you both need to really have it out and build a relationship first (if appropriate) especially as mothers day seems like it’s a special day for you.

@GrumpyHoonMain

Ye I wouldn’t do it then. Sounds like you both need to really have it out and build a relationship first (if appropriate) especially as mothers day seems like it’s a special day for you.

Thank you...yes its special..me and my mum always went out on mother's day..it was always me and her and my daughter when she arrived..my mum and gran never did anything..my mum would go over a few days before with flowers for her and a little something from me. I think it will be just this year as it's the first without my mum.i just need time and not feel pressured to do something I'm not comfortable with yet. Think my minds made up..if I get in shit and have her guilt trip me then so be it 🤪🤷

Good on you. I imagine she might want a relationship when she has time to process things so hopefully things will be very different next year.

@GrumpyHoonMain

Good on you. I imagine she might want a relationship when she has time to process things so hopefully things will be very different next year.

Yes she needs to realise the world isn't revolved around her and that other people need to think of themselves sometimes too..yes next year will be different as I guess there has to be a first for everything.

I just feel I can't this time..but then I domt want her to think I don't care maybe you can send her an Easter card? Or maybe not. It depends where you are at the time. Hopefully she has friends or less directly affected relatives to help her.

Contrary to general opinion. I would send one. Maybe you could send it from your daughter instead of you? So it's a bit removed.
Mothers day is always crap without your own mother. I don't like even acknowledging it but I do make sure my daughter sends a card to.my MIL even though I don't really want it marked for me at all. In terms of grief. People think I've recovered from my mums death as I don't talk about her. The reality over 4 years on is that I cry when I even think of her. (Now crying!! Ha!) So actually I only talk about her in front of my husband and child as they don't mind my crying and know its normal for me. Outside of that safety I keep it all behind a big wall.

Forgot to say - I'm so sorry for your loss and joining the ranks of those who have lost their amazing mum. Sending love. It gets different, not easier but different xxx

she never helped financially towards the funeral funeral costs usually come out of the estate, so there isn’t the expectation of help being needed as there is in eg weddings

@MereDintofPandiculation

I just feel I can't this time..but then I domt want her to think I don't care maybe you can send her an Easter card? Or maybe not. It depends where you are at the time. Hopefully she has friends or less directly affected relatives to help her.

Ye im thinking this...she has family in her town..a son..brothers sisters..her mother in law and other grandchildren so ye I prob will send card at easter Thanks 😊

@Frazzle76

Contrary to general opinion. I would send one. Maybe you could send it from your daughter instead of you? So it's a bit removed. Mothers day is always crap without your own mother. I don't like even acknowledging it but I do make sure my daughter sends a card to.my MIL even though I don't really want it marked for me at all. In terms of grief. People think I've recovered from my mums death as I don't talk about her. The reality over 4 years on is that I cry when I even think of her. (Now crying!! Ha!) So actually I only talk about her in front of my husband and child as they don't mind my crying and know its normal for me. Outside of that safety I keep it all behind a big wall.

Its a hard one..especially as its been traditional..I just hurt when I have to think about sending a mothers day card to a woman who's not my mum when I'm still hurting. I also cry everyday thinking of my mum..I send you a hug as I no how this feels Just feeling frustrated

@MereDintofPandiculation

she never helped financially towards the funeral funeral costs usually come out of the estate, so there isn’t the expectation of help being needed as there is in eg weddings

If my daughter died I would pay...the offer wasn't even there..nothing

Sja36 I’m so sorry to hear about your loss. My mother died at age 45 and I was 12 years old.. it’s really tough, but all I can say is time heals. Just follow your heart.. do what you feel is right for you.

@Classicbrunette

Sja36 I’m so sorry to hear about your loss. My mother died at age 45 and I was 12 years old.. it’s really tough, but all I can say is time heals. Just follow your heart.. do what you feel is right for you.

😭 it's so young...sending you hugs...thank you iv a couple weeks to think ,wanted some opinions..will sleep on it and rethink x

I'm very sorry for your loss @Sja36. After 4 years I still find Mother's Day hard. After reading your updates about your DGM I would be inclined to do what you feel is right for you. She isn't your mother and maybe this year it's time to start doing things differently. You could always 'phone her a few days before just for a chat, although if you were my granddaughter I would be 'phoning you on Mother's Day to see how you were doing. Make new memories with your daughter like your Mum did with you. I wish you well.💐

I wouldn't expect funeral costs. I lost my husband when he was 50 and I felt it was my responsibility as his wife to sort these things. It came from his estate.
However you must have been young when she died and that is hard. My daughter was 19 and son 16 when their dad died. My daughter once said to me ",you'll never know what it's like to lose a parent so young" ( just like you) it's true. My dad (her grandpa) is still here. Aged 88 and my mum aged 84.
It is very very different.
My dad has seen me through my whole life(I'm now 57) whereas my daughter's dad didn't see her graduate, didn't see her perform on stage in the West end and didn't see her get into a law degree aged 27 that's a lot to lose. Look after yourself. Your gran will be grieving but it's not up to you to help her.