My mum wants to die

[Lawton]

My mum is 89 and in a care home around a 100 miles away from me. Every time I speak to her she says she wants to leave the care home, move into her own home and die. She cannot do anything for herself and has lost bowel continence.

Mum is currently refusing food and water but relents every couple of days and will have something small to eat, drink some water and take her meds.

I know she is lonely now my dad is gone but she also doesn't like being around other people so will not come out of her room.

I try and call but not an easy conversation as mum is mostly deaf and doesn't want to wear her hearing aids. Visits can take place through the window but we still have the issue with mum not being able to hear me but nice to see her face.

I'm just at a loss what to do. I always thought I would respect someone's right to die but don't find this such an easy position with my mum and I just don't believe that she really wants to go.

I just wondered how other people have managed this type of situation both for their parent and themselves.

Oh gosh, I'm afraid I don't have any advice but this sounds so hard for her and you. I used to visit an old man who felt the same way. I hope someone with more helpful advice will come along soon but in the meantime just wanted to say that I'm sure there's no right way of dealing with a really hard situation like this and I'm sorry you and she are in this position.

@deathbyprocrastination

Oh gosh, I'm afraid I don't have any advice but this sounds so hard for her and you. I used to visit an old man who felt the same way. I hope someone with more helpful advice will come along soon but in the meantime just wanted to say that I'm sure there's no right way of dealing with a really hard situation like this and I'm sorry you and she are in this position.

Thank you.

I've been reflecting all afternoon. I think I need to challenge my desires versus my mums. I want her last days to be filled with ice creams by the seafront and trips down memory lane. Covid has affected that and I just wish we can get beyond lock down.

How long has she been in the home? My mum was similar for the first 6-8 months as she had to go in following a fall and a hospital stay rather than a planned move from home. .

What changed it was she had a hospital admission as she had an infection . She was so desperate to leave the hospital that when she got back she started referring the care home as home as she was so pleased to be back. From then on she started to quite like it there .

This was pre Covid though and my sister visited most days. I went every week and we took her out somewhere in her wheelchair most weeks . She also started to make a few friends there with the residents and carers and started to be happy with the routine.

I think things are awful for people in care homes now. My mum would have been beside herself if we had not seen her for months . I am so sorry your mum is so unhappy and without visits I am not sure what to suggest

I completely understand both your views and hers - it's really difficult. My Dad died 2 months after 65 years of marriage and I know my Mum doesn't want to continue. She's not in a home but even if we try to do something nice with her then her heart isn't in it - I can see that. She is just existing and waiting to go. I don't really have any advice. I have just tried to make things as nice as possible whilst being understanding of her wish. I'm sorry OP, that's very hard.

Similar situation here. I'm four hours away from DMs care home and have only managed one visit last summer to sit in the garden with her for 30mins. Luckily DB is nearby and has done weekly garden/window visits when allowed. Currently not allowed as they have a positive case.

Does the care home offer Skype/Zoom calls? These have been a godsend and she loves to see me and the grandchildren, rather than just talk on the phone.

My mum has no mobility so is reliant on them switching on her tv/radio otherwise she just sits in her wheelchair in her room living inside her head. It's heartbreaking, because you know the only thing that brightens their day is a family visit. DM is still smiling though and I pray she can hang on so we can all get together again.

I find talking about happy moments from childhood or holidays tends to get the best from her when we do chat. I call her twice a week as does DB.

I know we all know why, but sometimes I can't believe I haven't hugged or kissed my mum for nearly a year.

@bumblingbovine49

How long has she been in the home? My mum was similar for the first 6-8 months as she had to go in following a fall and a hospital stay rather than a planned move from home. .

What changed it was she had a hospital admission as she had an infection . She was so desperate to leave the hospital that when she got back she started referring the care home as home as she was so pleased to be back. From then on she started to quite like it there .

This was pre Covid though and my sister visited most days. I went every week and we took her out somewhere in her wheelchair most weeks . She also started to make a few friends there with the residents and carers and started to be happy with the routine.

I think things are awful for people in care homes now. My mum would have been beside herself if we had not seen her for months . I am so sorry your mum is so unhappy and without visits I am not sure what to suggest

Has only been in this home, which she chose, since December. Prior to that another home that was found by the council to support hospital discharge.

@TillyTopper

I completely understand both your views and hers - it's really difficult. My Dad died 2 months after 65 years of marriage and I know my Mum doesn't want to continue. She's not in a home but even if we try to do something nice with her then her heart isn't in it - I can see that. She is just existing and waiting to go. I don't really have any advice. I have just tried to make things as nice as possible whilst being understanding of her wish. I'm sorry OP, that's very hard.

Thank you and sorry you are experiencing the same

I feel for our parents too. Losing their life partner and their independence is just horrible.

I guess you aren't able to provide care for her in your home? It seems the only way to get her that 'ice-cream by the beach ending' which is completely understandable. I feel for you both. Covid is awful. I hope you can find some way through this. 💐

@waltzingparrot

Similar situation here. I'm four hours away from DMs care home and have only managed one visit last summer to sit in the garden with her for 30mins. Luckily DB is nearby and has done weekly garden/window visits when allowed. Currently not allowed as they have a positive case.

Does the care home offer Skype/Zoom calls? These have been a godsend and she loves to see me and the grandchildren, rather than just talk on the phone.

My mum has no mobility so is reliant on them switching on her tv/radio otherwise she just sits in her wheelchair in her room living inside her head. It's heartbreaking, because you know the only thing that brightens their day is a family visit. DM is still smiling though and I pray she can hang on so we can all get together again.

I find talking about happy moments from childhood or holidays tends to get the best from her when we do chat. I call her twice a week as does DB.

I know we all know why, but sometimes I can't believe I haven't hugged or kissed my mum for nearly a year.

So hard for you. During the visit in Dec before lock down my mum said please can I have a cuddle. Rightly or wrongly I had to do it. I can imagine how you feel.

The home do arrange zoom calls which is good. My kids join in and she loves to see them. Mum struggles with her breathing so cannot do any long conversations.

She's restarted her meds which means she needs to eat first. So having little bits of fruit or toast. She's only 5 stone in weight so really needs the food.

I found it a lot easier to accept that he wanted to die, and be understanding with him about it, and allow him to talk about how unfair it was that he had to keep waking up every morning. I fought against it for quite a long time and eventually, I was glad I'd accepted it because it felt like validating and respecting his feelings.

If you don't believe her, can you talk with her about how and why she feels that way? She's probably got people saying 'Oh, don't be silly, you don't mean that!' all day long, and might find relief in talking openly and honestly about it, without being silenced or contradicted.

I really hope you can reach some peace with her about this. It's a very hard pill to swallow, when a person wants to leave, but swallowing it is better than spitting it back out in their face.

@DianaT1969

I guess you aren't able to provide care for her in your home? It seems the only way to get her that 'ice-cream by the beach ending' which is completely understandable. I feel for you both. Covid is awful. I hope you can find some way through this. 💐

I've thought about it and I really don't think I can. My only toilet is upstairs so she would be confined up there. Looking at the bell assistance report from the care home she is calling for assistance regularly and through the night. I just don't think I could do the full care aspect and work. I don't have a partner.

I'm so sorry you're both in this position Just a thought - could clinical depression be a possibility, if so, maybe medication for that might help.
If she was young, she would very likely to be considered to be depressed, and I wonder if it's being missed purely because she has every reason to be feeling down at the moment

Horrible situation for you both

Poor you. Poor her.

Also, My investigations into legal euthanasia have shown that even if you know what you want, are almost impossible to get!

Could she be moved to a home closer to where you live?

@Eckhart

I found it a lot easier to accept that he wanted to die, and be understanding with him about it, and allow him to talk about how unfair it was that he had to keep waking up every morning. I fought against it for quite a long time and eventually, I was glad I'd accepted it because it felt like validating and respecting his feelings.

If you don't believe her, can you talk with her about how and why she feels that way? She's probably got people saying 'Oh, don't be silly, you don't mean that!' all day long, and might find relief in talking openly and honestly about it, without being silenced or contradicted.

I really hope you can reach some peace with her about this. It's a very hard pill to swallow, when a person wants to leave, but swallowing it is better than spitting it back out in their face.

All you have said is so very true. I'm someone who theoretically believes in a person's right to die. But just finding it harder with my mum.

Doesn't help that she is really angry with me as she wants me to take her out of the home to die in peace. Accuses me of not listening or loving her.

Has anyone spoken to her GP about potential depression?

@Whenwillow

I'm so sorry you're both in this position Just a thought - could clinical depression be a possibility, if so, maybe medication for that might help. If she was young, she would very likely to be considered to be depressed, and I wonder if it's being missed purely because she has every reason to be feeling down at the moment

I think you are right as well as anxiety. She has refused meds for her mood. GP came out again this week and raised it.

OP so sorry to hear you’re going through this.
I think you need to speak to the GP and ask for a Mental Health assessment. There may be something treatable.

Sorry cross post

@MrsMoastyToasty

Could she be moved to a home closer to where you live?

I don't know. I'm in London so cost is a factor but will it cause more upheaval in the long run. Also, when we are out of lock down, there are people where she is who could visit.

I sometimes just don't know what to do for the best.

@OldPodge

OP so sorry to hear you’re going through this. I think you need to speak to the GP and ask for a Mental Health assessment. There may be something treatable.

GP does think she's depressed. Not surprisingly really but she absolutely refused medication. From snippets of conversation across the years, I understand she had some type of mental health breakdown in her early forties. I don't know how she was treated, bar that being the point she stopped working, but wonder if a bad experience with medication.

I will try and raise meds again with her.

Think about all the years you will have after she's gone. Spend time accepting her view now, rather than wishing that you had, later. You don't have to disregard your own view in order to do this. You can want one thing, and she can want another. Her hearing from you how hard it is for you to accept, but that you do accept, will be a very powerful thing between you. Give her your permission to feel the way she feels. Otherwise when she goes, she's going against your wishes.

I know it's really hard. I went through this a couple of years ago and he died in December. It's so much better in the end, if you can accept what she's saying, and it will help your grief after she's gone, too, because you will have the feelin of acceptance already

If the GP will refer her to the local Older Adults Mental Health service for an assessment then hopefully they will consider more than just meds. If the service is a good one

I'm sorry she won't accept medication. It sounds tough and I really feel for you. I hope some of the suggestions on here will help