My mum wants to die

[Lawton]

My mum is 89 and in a care home around a 100 miles away from me. Every time I speak to her she says she wants to leave the care home, move into her own home and die. She cannot do anything for herself and has lost bowel continence.

Mum is currently refusing food and water but relents every couple of days and will have something small to eat, drink some water and take her meds.

I know she is lonely now my dad is gone but she also doesn't like being around other people so will not come out of her room.

I try and call but not an easy conversation as mum is mostly deaf and doesn't want to wear her hearing aids. Visits can take place through the window but we still have the issue with mum not being able to hear me but nice to see her face.

I'm just at a loss what to do. I always thought I would respect someone's right to die but don't find this such an easy position with my mum and I just don't believe that she really wants to go.

I just wondered how other people have managed this type of situation both for their parent and themselves.

OP, my father was very much the same, towards the end of his life. He said "Being old is tough - I've had enough". He was on hunger strike most days, but had dementia so sometimes forgot his death wish when offered tea and cake.

The care home staff were very kind and patient with him, but towards the end he was virtually bedridden and his eyesight was failing, so he couldn't even watch TV or read, to take the edge off his boredom. The weight dropped off him and eventually he was sdmitted to hospital when he reached crisis point. They made him comfortable with pain killers and he passed away peacefully a week later. I was sad, but also relieved, for him. Your mother may follow a similar path. It's hard to watch a loved one fade themselves away, but sadly it's quite common.

Could you get a stair lift put in and some part- time help?

My elderly relative didn't want medication for depression for years, and I kept pushing him. Eventually he shouted at me that he was scared it would make his incontinence worse, so he didn't want to try it. I don't know if there's a link for people around 90 with depression pills and incontinence (maybe depressed people used to get given sedatives/muscle relaxants?) but it might be worth asking her if this is why..?

Hi - I feel for you, this is really hard. My DM has Alzheimers - she's generally not got capacity any more but a couple of years ago when she still did, she was very clear that she wanted to die, and didn't eat for nearly two months. We were at the point of arranging palliative end of life care and then she seemed to get too weak to remember what she wanted to do, and started eating again.

Since then she's brought it up again a couple of times but the dementia means she can't hold on to the idea. It's very hard to hear, but I think it's really important to listen and support her in the sense of not denying her feelings.