How often do you ring your elderly parents?

[Chunkymenrock]

Every Sunday I ring my Mum and Dad for a good chat, so once a week. We also might email once or twice a week too. They are elderly but healthy and perfectly self sufficient. I'm just curious how often people ring theirs, after having a conversation with a 68 year old, whose 3 children each ring her 3 times a day!

In their 80s. Once a week during Covid. Once a fortnight before that. Occasionally more often if one or other has been ill.

I ring my dad once a week for a good chat. We WhatsApp throughout the week.

Once a week usually.

As I said above, I call once or twice a week for a quick chat and WhatsApp several times.

But also on Mondays we video call each other at 8.30 and watch University Challrnge simultaneously. It's good fun if you like quizzes. We have to turn the sound off and use subtitles or there is too much echo from each other's TV.

Couple of times a week usually, WhatsApp throughout the week with random pics and articles

Check in with my 80 year old mum every teatime, make sure all is ok and Have her round for Sunday lunch and a film every week.

Pretty much every day. DF used to really struggle to hear on the phone but thanks to a combination of a better phone & new hearing aids, he hears much better. Having said that, it’s DM I talk to most. They live locally but of course we can only see each other at a distance.

It used to be once a week, more like 3 x now. They are in 80s, and relationship with one is wonderful, and the other has been...challenging.

My mum is mid eighties and lives alone. She used to have a pretty active social life but covid has naturally impacted that. She still catches up with friends for lunch etc. She lives in Australia so that is allowed.

If she’s going through a period of ill health I call every day. But usually it’s a couple of times a week. She absolutely refuses to call me for any reason and twice a week is what I’m comfortable with. Each call is minimum 20 mins.

Mine are no longer with us, but MIL ,84, we speak to 2 or 3 times a day. She has dementia, is lonely, and the carers go in 4 times a day and let us know what she has been up to. Sometimes it is a duty type call (have you taken the meds left out for you) sometimes a social, just to check she is feeling ok and remembering to have a cuppa. Would be nice if she was closer, but she won't do that, so we pretend this is working...

Pre lockdown I would ring or text my mum late 70’s most days and I would remind DH to contact his mum early 80’s about every 7-10 days.

Now they are both widowed I call my mum every day and we facetime DH’s mum every night.

When Dad was alive I would ring them every couple of days.
When he died I rang Mum everyday and still do even if I have been over to see her. (See her twice a week as her carer). It’s mostly once but is often more if we have any news, queries or she need help.
Mum is 87 and has no friends left, she hasn’t been out since COVID started. She has no visitors and that daily check in call is sometimes the only human contact she has.
My parents have always been very precious to me. I have lost Dad, I can’t imagine how life will be without Mum. I know that I will miss those phone calls in the future.

Every day after work. If I don't ring them they ring me lol

Used to be every other day or so I think - since I'm back to work after mat leave it's usually twice a week and a video call at the weekend

My Mum is 84....I ring her every 2 to 3 days for around 30mins....we also WhatsApp through the week in between. I am still visiting her every few weeks ( she lives 100 miles away) ......it’s a lonely time when you live alone.

Mine aren't elderly by any stretch- 64 and 68- but I speak to them most days and WhatsApp them a lot. Especially with the pandemic as they have self isolated for coming up a year now... but even before, I didn't go more than a couple of days without contact.

My parents are 82 & 76 and I've phoned them every single day since the start of the first lockdown. My mum lost a close friend early on (not Covid) plus both her and my dad have had health problems over the last year so i figured she needs the support. My only sibling lives overseas so she can only call once a week.

DH phones his mum most days too as do both of his sisters.

Daily pretty much. Both 80, mum is housebound with illness and dad gets bored. Even if it’s just a 10 min chat. They love it and it helps to stop them feeling totally isolated and uncared for (they moved 200 miles away 17 years ago).

My Mum is 83 and I speak to her once or twice a week. She would like to speak every day but that would be too much for me. We don't have the easiest relationship.

It depends on the relationship though, doesn't it? There will be people who will happily ring their parents several times a day and there will be others who find it a complete burden.

The people who have good relationships will pile on and comment about being a terrible daughter if you don't ring every day, how she raised you and how you should be grateful she is still here, you will miss her when she goes, blah, blah. They clearly have absolutely no idea what it is like to have a difficult relationship with someone. I love my Mum but she is manipulative, needy and verging on narcissistic (always has been).

Do what is right for you.

@Chunkymenrock once every 2 weeks because I am pretty busy but I got them one of those plant pots from Cool pots uk with both my parents and my sister on and funnily enough they said that it keeps us( my sister and I ) front of mind.

sorry forgot to add their link www.coolpots.co.uk

Every day and text a few times a day.

I spoke to my dear parents every day I wasn't seeing them. Truly wish i still could.

Once a weekish. They never ring me unless they want something, and then they invariably ring at 6pm (work full time, have three young children, so 6pm is the craziest time of the day). Then I’ll say something (because I’m tired and grumpy and trying to feed/bath/change/do nice things with children) like “but mum, it’s 6pm, did you have to ring now to ask me if it was ok to come and stay in three months time?” And then they get in the hump and go “well it’s never a good time for you”.

I ring more out of duty than anything else. They try and talk to the children on FaceTime but then mid - child conversation they’ll start talking about aunty betty’s neighbours cat’s operation or something, so the children aren’t interested at all (and neither am I). And invariably I now get the “well I know he’s a bit of an idiot but I can’t see anyone other than Boris Johnson doing such a good job as he’s doing” and I either have to row or bite my tongue. I literally have nothing of shared interest to talk to them about.

Smed It's possible that they ring only when they want something because they don't want to be a trouble, so they ring only when they need you to solve a practical problem. Of course then they'll start convincing themselves that trivial problems need you in order to excuse their call.

Have you told them what time is good to ring?

It is difficult to find things to talk about when your lives are completely different. I found Dad wouldn't listen to anything I said, and I realised it was because is real need was to talk - he listened all day to the radio - so I started emailing him about the family's day to day doings, and it was reflected in his conversation he started to talk to me about things I'd told him in my emails.

Dad wasn't politically that different from me, but he'd come up with all sorts of strange stories that just couldn't be true. I found a usfule technique was to say "we're never going to agree on this and I don't want to row with you" then move on to another subject.

It's worth making an effort, not just because of the sense of duty you feel, but also because you're role-modelling to your children how to get on with elderly relatives.