Mum keeps saying I’m stealing from her

[SinisterBumFacedCat]

I’m pretty sure DM has dementia, forgets thing, looses stuff, cannot do any admin or financial stuff etc. My stepdad took his life last year, probably due to stress. I’ve done loads for her and she keeps accusing me of coming to the house stealing stuff, stupid things like CDs. Of course it’s not true. I am really upset and struggling. I spoke to her GP who says I need to get her in for a routine blood test and urine test but realistically I can’t see her agreeing. What do I do? Posting here because dementia board is too quiet.

Yes, that sounds like a classic symptom.

It must be hard for you but you need to not take what she says personally.

Don't know what to advise about the test. Maybe present it as a thing that has to happen yearly now, and it's time for her to go - ie don't give her any choice?

You need support, and there is quite a lot offered - but you need to jump through a few hoops to get it. First things first is to get a diagnosis of dementia - everything else will flow from that. Get an appointment with her GP as soon as possible, that's the first step.

Check out the NHS Dementia Guide - the 'Care and Support' tab takes you through what is available.

Good luck, I know this must be hard.

Oh, if you haven't already got Power of Attornery for her, act asap to try and get it (before dementia diagnosis) - though she may already be deemed unfit to give PoA to you. It makes life a lot simpler if you have it though.

This is very common in people with dementia.

You are getting to the point where she is going to need more support going forward so I agree you need to get her seen by the GP as the first step. Agree with a PP just tell her everyone has to have a checkup now.

Just to support what pp have said. It certainly sounds like dementia (my mother had it and often accused me of stealing her things). There is help out there but you need to get her to doctors ...don't give her a choice. Take all the help you can as its a long process and very draining on you. Good luck

I cared for a woman who had dementia and accused me of stealing two candle sticks. I was mortified and was waiting for my boss to do an investigation but that never happened. While that benefitted me (I absolutely did not want or need some 50 year old manky candlesticks!) I couldn't help think how vulnerable she was, a sitting target as such. Any allegations she made in the future would not be taken seriously and therefore would have made it easy for someone to take advantage of this. Especially seeing as she stashed money in her knicker drawers. I'd be looking at it from that perspective and trying to safeguard her as much as I could do.

Sorry you're going through this

Also could a home visit be arranged?

@rbe78

Oh, if you haven't already got Power of Attornery for her, act asap to try and get it (before dementia diagnosis) - though she may already be deemed unfit to give PoA to you. It makes life a lot simpler if you have it though.

THIS. If it is at all possible, ie if you can get her to agree, then get two Powers of Attorney - one financial, one health & welfare. Do it now.

I can’t get her to agree to POA, I have already tried and she flat out refuses, even her solicitor has advised it but she won’t. I have resigned myself to having to go through the courts, which I can’t really afford. I know I should not take these accusations seriously but I was accused of something years ago that I didn’t do and it just takes me back there. It’s just me and Dp who get accused of stealing and we have done so much for her, her perfect brothers never get accused and they don’t do anywhere near what we do. I know everyone is saying it is a long road but I am already worn out and I honestly don’t think I can do this for years and years.

Could her perfect brothers have a go and say they are organising theirs and they negotiate a family rate?
Would she agree to someone else being added to her bank account so they could keep paying her bills should anything happen? It sounds unlikely, I admit..
We went down the guardianship route as my mum was sectioned when my DF died. It took over seven months start to finish.
This is definitely one of the toughest times for you especially after what you have negotiated already. In our experience the stealing accusations get overtaken by new and different issues. Sending virtual strength to you .

I have sent quite a ranty email to the perfect brothers! I don’t know how much help they will give as one has very strict boundaries and the other has a family and is busy (well, so am I). I know guardianship will take ages, but it’s better than nothing, I just need her diagnosed before. I can easily see her ending up sectioned as she is so stubborn. What happens after the accusations? How long does this phase last? Thank you for all the helpful comments. In a way it
Might be easier when it gets harder because then social services will have to get involved. I have been through this before with my dad but his dementia was very different and he had really obvious physical symptoms so it was easier to get help.

Guardianship is a really major thing. It may not be needed.

You're a Next Of Kin, so that helps.

As for sectioning, it's actually a really useful thing. If it can be proved that she is unsafe at home, they will take her in under Section 2. If she stays under Section 2 for more than 28 days, or they decide to change it earlier, she will go into Section 3. And once a person has been in Section 3, the local authority is legally bound to provide them with ongoing care. For instance, a special care home.

By "unsafe" I don't mean physically. I mean if she persists in behaving in an unsafe fashion, and has no insight into the harm that she is putting herself into.

It’s just me and Dp who get accused of stealing and we have done so much for her Well, that's why. It's not her talking, it's the disease. Keep repeating that to yourself.

No, you definitely can't keep this up for years, and no-one will expect you to if you make your position sufficiently clear. But you do have to be very clear and firm about how much you can and can't do.

Could one of the Perfect Brothers get her to the GP for a "routine blood and urine test"?

The first stage of a dementia diagnosis is tests to eliminate anything else that could be causing the behaviour - urine test to rule out infection, blood tests to rule out any deficiencies or anything else. Then the GP may carry out a simple test of cognitive functioning (like the one that Trump was so proud of doing OK on), or he may refer to a memory clinic to do that. If she scores less than near perfect on that test, they'll try to do other tests to work out which form of dementia she has.

But the main thing is to get her into the system, even if you can't get as far as a diagnosis, that'll make it much easier to get carers and so on.

When people have dementia they say and do things that are alien to them. My gran accused my Mum of going out drinking and whoring every night and leaving her small children at home alone. My Mum only ever had a small glass of sherry to drink at Xmas and her children were grown with children of their own. The disease takes your Mum and her personality away and it is replaced by an alien in her brain, making her say and do hurtful and strange things. Try to remember although dreadfully hurtful it is not your Mum talking but the alien inside her brain. Ask social services for help. Is she safe to live alone. There will be a point when she is not. Start researching good care homes now because it takes ages and ages. You might need to.put her name on a waiting list as sometimes 1-2 years wait to get the home you want. Could your Mum afford to have a home help come in each day. My aunty had one as well as my sisters who lived locally doing her shopping and laundry and it meant she could stay in her own home for 4 extra years. Try to remember your M as she was not how she acts now. I am sure your uncles will understand your Mum is not herself and talking rubbish. My Aunty once told my sister there had been peacocks in her bedroom overnight and she was afraid they would peck her.

I really feel for you and agree that asking your brothers to get her to the GP for that blood and urine test might be helpful as she would probably go with them.

One thing I've learned about dementia is that the brain makes up little stories so that things make sense. So if she has lost a CD and really can't work out what has happened to it, the brain will throw up some logical, well logical to her, reason for its absence and the brain is unlikely to give that reason as "you've lost it you forgetful old sod".

We've had all sorts of weird and wonderful stories from my DMIL,

She has been out with one of her brothers and is again saying I am stealing. Has been secretive and sulky. I keep trying the distraction thing but it doesn’t work, she just makes up absolute lies exclusively about me. So I am going to step away and leave her to it. I know that’s probably a bit cunty, but apparently that’s how evil I am so I may as well live up to it.

She might have a UTI as well as dementia which will make her do and say weird things

If you really cant get her to the gp - and it looks like you can’t - then sadly you’re just going to have to wait until some kind of crisis happens.

Are her brothers aware of what’s happening? Can you spell it out to them? I can understand that you need to step away for now.

Her brothers are aware, unfortunately they don’t talk to each other. She has been to the gp today but lied about it (not forgot, actually lied because she told her brother not to tell me). I have basically fixed her life and cared for her for the last year and a half. She must have hated me for years.

Try not to feel that way. Dementia makes people really nasty. My gran was horrible for a long time before it reached the point where she was sectioned and had to go into a care home. I don't think my dad's really got over it. She also started making up awful lies - telling people she'd got cancer. It's a truly horrible disease, especially for those caring for people.

I know people keep saying it’s not her it’s the disease but it’s still me, her daughter who is hurting.

A urine infection can also cause confusion.
Would she at least wee into a container?
See if the district nurse will do a flu jab and take blood at the same time?

Be careful that you don't end up losing your own health and sanity dealing with this.

If your parent is refusing to see a GP then unfortunately you cannot force her and you might need to wait until a crisis happen and she ends up having emergency care and hopefully a proper diagnosis.

My mother was getting increasingly erratic and unpleasant and it got to the point where she was having hallucinations. She ended up having to go to hospital and spent a month there. They ruled out dementia and instead decided that what she needed was psychiatric care and medication. She is now coping at home with meals being delivered and a carer visit once a day. She would have continued to hide her condition (she refused to address her mental health issues all her adult life) if this crisis had not happened.

Sometimes all you can do is let things go to that point so that the person is almost forced to received treatment.

Involve social services and badger them to assess her.

Frankly it doesn't sound like you will be able to be a carer for her and continue this for long so don't get guilt-tripped into that role. Make it clear to social service that they need to step in.

I know I could not be my mother's carer as we have always had a very poor relationship and I refuse to care for someone who has always been verbally, mentally and physically abusive towards me.

I totally get where u are coming from . My dad has been sectioned under the mental health act . Refused to go to memory clinic , was awful nasty , saw people in his house , going to shops in middle of the night , phone calls 24/7 .. it's been the hardest thing iv ever dealt with tbh . I applied for guardianship but takes abt 12 months cause of covid ! He had sold house with soon to be ex wife ( not my mum who passed away years ago ) bought a flat now that's all up in the air .. bills not getting paid extra ! The only advice I can give is u need to switch off at times as u have ur own life to .. it's the only way I can deal With it tbh ! I wish u all the best going forward x