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Elderly parents
Original poster

Help my process what my dad told me?

35 replies

kforcake · 21/11/2020 12:39

My father is late 80s with early signs of Dementia. He's very lucid but frail and has a lot of time to think, lockdown in a Care home has been very tough for him. My mum has advanced dementia.
We talk daily and this morning we were talking about death. He told me that he only has one regret, I stupidly pressed him and he told me that he'd had a long term affair with his secretary when I was a teenager.
I'm absolutely stunned. My father is one of the most upright honest people I've ever known, or at least I thought he was.
I did ask if my mum ever knew and he said not.
My lovely gentle mum would've been heartbroken, what if she did know?
How on earth to do I process this? I really wish he hadn't told me.

OP posts:
justanotherneighinparadise · 21/11/2020 12:43

You act like a grown up and think that your dad unburdened himself of the guilt that no doubt laid heavy on him for decades. You feel grateful that your mum went to her grave without that knowledge and you take your dad off the pedestal he was on and accept he is a flawed human being. Then you get on with your life.

BluebellsGreenbells · 21/11/2020 12:45

My dad had affairs, he messed with the wrong family and they smashed our windows in.
Mum left to raise 4 children which he didn’t contribute financially.

We were poor

Move on OP

AfterSchoolWorry · 21/11/2020 12:45

Just file it away in your brain and forget it.

Original poster
kforcake · 21/11/2020 12:46

@justanotherneighinparadise . Yes, you're right. I'm glad I said that few folk get to nearly 90 without any regrets.

OP posts:
lljkk · 21/11/2020 12:48

Find tolerance for other people's mistakes, too.

justanotherneighinparadise · 21/11/2020 12:53

♥️

TooOldforBouncyCastles · 21/11/2020 13:00

@lljkk

Find tolerance for other people's mistakes, too.
This.

He’s still your dad just very human

randomer · 21/11/2020 13:03

Difficult for you OP. A sense of loss and betrayal. Maybe try to talk to a counsellor, its a lot to carry.

Pearsapiece · 21/11/2020 13:06

He realises he did wrong and regrets it. At least he didn't say that's the thing he's proud of! You don't know why he did it so you're going to have to just brush over it I think. It's not ideal but not the worst

rookiemere · 21/11/2020 13:10

You're getting some harsh responses here OP.

Of course this is going to be a shock to you - just because it happened a long time ago doesn't make the feelings less intense - as you've only just found out.

Just be kind to yourself and allow yourself some time to process it. Because of your DFs dementia there is little point in discussing it further with him, but if you need a short break from visits to get through your feelings, then do that.

Spied · 21/11/2020 13:14

We all make mistakes.
I'd feel happy he felt able to unburden himself.
Sounds like he's been carrying his cross around a long time.
He's still the dad you knew and loved. He's still 'upright' and 'honest' and his affair doesn't define him.
He made a mistake.

Bagelsandbrie · 21/11/2020 13:17

People make mistakes. It was a long time ago and it doesn’t change whether he was a good Dad to you.

Hohofortherobbers · 21/11/2020 13:20

Difficult to hear, sorry. But it is one of his regrets, he wishes he hadn't done it. Does this help you to handle it? He didn't leave your family, you and your dm were still his priority. I think I'd try and focus on that.

Coronawireless · 21/11/2020 13:24

Yes, you’re an adult now. Your dad knows that and trusts you as an equal. Be glad and proud you are the sort of person to have reached this type of relationship with him. It will make it easier for him in his last years and easier for you when he dies that you have let go of being the child.

Coronawireless · 21/11/2020 13:26

I say that kindly as things must be tough for you right now. But you’ll find when they go that a lot of the hard part is done.

Mummyoflittledragon · 21/11/2020 13:33

I agree with what Coronawireless has said. I know it must have been difficult to hear. It sounds as though you have a lovely relationship with your dad. He regrets hurting your mum. Flowers

randomer · 21/11/2020 13:37

Its not the point that he did not behave in an ideal way, its the fact that OP is facing the stress of 2 elederly failing parents. She had one scenario in her mind and now has to adapt to another. To say she has mixed emotions would be an understatment.

unmarkedbythat · 21/11/2020 13:39

I would wish he hadn't told me. It would colour my judgement and memories. Change who I believed him to be. What would I do with that? Nothing. It would just be a sadness to carry.

shehadsomuchpotential · 21/11/2020 13:42

Whilst this is a shock and you will need to process. It is good for him he has unburdened himself and expressed his regret to gain peace. Another way to think of it is that it gives you permission to not be a perfect human and put yourself under pressure like we all do. Knowing that good people can be flawed and make mistakes but are still loved and find ways through.

WhatWouldYouDoWhatWouldJesusDo · 21/11/2020 13:42

Oh bless him, how sad it's weighing so heavily on him.......I'd tell him he gave you and your mum a good life and that's the most important thing.

dottiedodah · 21/11/2020 13:44

Please remember that he is a human being at the end of the day .Inherently flawed like all of us .Doesnt mean hes not a good Dad does it? Maybe Mum may have had an idea ,but brushed it off.

lakesidewinter · 21/11/2020 13:49

I am faintly astonished by the bless him, poor old duck vibe running through some of the responses on this thread.

I'm not surprised that you didn't want to have to process this information about your dad.

You will have a more accurate view of the man he actually was rather than the one you thought he was as a consequence though.

Overtime it will become one of the things that you remember about him but not one of the most important things.

Original poster
kforcake · 21/11/2020 13:53

Thank you very much for the replies, some are hard to read.
I think he's looking for forgiveness from me and by mum by default which I'm going to give. I do feel sad that he's had to carry this burden.
He worshipped my mum and although she's mentally not here now, she's always believed that which is important to me.
I am resilient and will be able to process this, it's just a shock.

OP posts:
BarefootbyMoonlight · 21/11/2020 13:54

Perhaps he has confided in you now as he wants you to know in advance about the relationship in case a half sibling comes looking for him?

He mightn’t know about a child, or he might suspect or not be 100% either way but a little doubt maybe has him telling you he did have an affair so maybe thats as far as he feels he can go to say ‘you might have a sibling’ without raising your hopes/fears.

saraclara · 21/11/2020 13:54

[quote kforcake]@justanotherneighinparadise . Yes, you're right. I'm glad I said that few folk get to nearly 90 without any regrets. [/quote]
It sounds like you handled it well. And yes, I agree with @justanotherneighinparadise too. So though it's easier said than done I'm sure.

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