Help my process what my dad told me?

[kforcake]

My father is late 80s with early signs of Dementia. He's very lucid but frail and has a lot of time to think, lockdown in a Care home has been very tough for him. My mum has advanced dementia.
We talk daily and this morning we were talking about death. He told me that he only has one regret, I stupidly pressed him and he told me that he'd had a long term affair with his secretary when I was a teenager.
I'm absolutely stunned. My father is one of the most upright honest people I've ever known, or at least I thought he was.
I did ask if my mum ever knew and he said not.
My lovely gentle mum would've been heartbroken, what if she did know?
How on earth to do I process this? I really wish he hadn't told me.

Just because someone is a good dad doesn’t mean they are a good husband.

He’s a great dad to you, but not good as a husband, but that doesn’t mean he loves you any less. It’s your mother than I gave sympathy for if she had to process this.

It was all a long time ago. He hasn't murdered anybody. I understand why you wish you didn't know but just put it down to human failing.

My grandad didn't return a horse that wandered onto his land (did it wander, I wonder?) in the Depression in 1930s Canada (wheat was costing more to grow than you could sell it for, a horse made a big difference to what you could do on a huge, profitless farm), and was still fretting about it fifty years later, as he reviewed his life. My mother went to her death terrified that the abortions (back street and otherwise, 1940s and 1950s) she'd had would send her to hell.

I had a Near Death Experience (no, not when you 'nearly die'. It's an experience of the afterlife, most usually but not exclusively after you have stopped breathing) which showed me that no matter who you are, no matter what you have done, God loves you and is waiting for you. That's everyone, no exceptions. Not even the ones you'd wish were in hell. Everyone is fully known.

I share this in case anyone is worried. It's ok. The universe has your back.

I understand a bit, op. I found out at 37 that my dad had had an affair when we were young children. It was a bit different as my mum knew and he was planning on leaving.

It took a while to process and explained a lot about my childhood. I think it was harder for my Dsis who has always matched potential partners against our 'perfect' dad.

@lljkk

Find tolerance for other people's mistakes, too.

Yes. It must have troubled his conscience for him to be mentioning it now. Be thankful your lovely mum didn't know and remember, we are all human with weaknesses.

@kforcake I am so sorry you are going through a revelation like this. My Mum told me about my Dad's infidelity after he died. Just like you I found it a complete shock. I've always harshly judged some of my friends dads who were womanisers (as I saw some of the pain it caused) and it hurt to find out my Dad's conduct was no better. As with your father it just seemed so unlikely and out of character!

Looking at it from an adult perspective though I think affairs are more prevalent than we realise. My parents were together nearly 50 years with much happiness over that time. I have friends who in the early days of their relationships had flings with other people and I know that they have continued to have fulfilling and happy marriages - they are my friends, I know they are not 'bad' people just people who made a bad decision at one point.

My siblings don't know and in one way I envy them that - in their minds Dad is still our steadfast lovely parent. On the other hand I think this knowledge is helping me grow up & let go. As someone said earlier I'm now looking at it as an adult without my childish rose tinted glasses towards my parents marriage. I wish my Dad hadn't hurt my Mum but it was their marriage not mine & I now know it wasn't perfect. They still lived a long and happy life together. Your parents obviously love each other and you and that is what counts at the end

And if my Dad was still here I don't think I would have been as sage in my response as you were OP. I'd still like to give mine a rollocking! (Not that I'm advising that as your Dad obviously regrets his actions)

I think you've had some harsh responses, it's not only how you fell about your DM, but it must also be prompting you to re-evaluate your relationship with him too and question a whole lot of things about what was happening for you at the time, perhaps he didn't lie to you then (though maybe he did) but he didn't tell the truth either, I think that sort of knowledge would de-stabilise any of us. I remember feeling shocked when I found out a friend was having an affair and was leaving his wife and young children, because it completely shifted who I thought he was and our relationship (because all this had been going on but he was presenting something different). Even if you do recognise that people are human and affairs are quite common (my DM had one but my DF told me when I was young so no surprise) you've still got a lot of processing and re-integrating to do.

Are you older now than he was at the time of the affair?
I found it easier to deal with how my parents acted when I was a kid, once I got to be as old as my Gran was at the time. Thinking about how I'd react if they were a kid of mine was an enlightening perspective.

So sorry you have received this shock, but when the shock has lessened, might you want to know more. Hear his story and try and understand his reasons? When he's no longer here to ask, will you be forever wondering, things you may be able to get answers to now.