Clearing out my mum’s house

[Qwenzo]

My mum went into a care home in the summer due to her Alzheimer’s and poor sight. She had herself reassessed for capacity as she wanted to come home and the dr said she had lost all capacity to make decisions about coming home so she’s in the care home permanently now.

Her house is standing empty. Obviously I’m still paying some bills for it and it’s a target for burglars standing empty.

When is the right time to start clearing it out? I keep on thinking what happens if I clear it and something happens so she comes home and finds all her stuff gone? This isn’t going to happen now is it?

And a question for anyone who’s gone through this previously - I feel so bad and guilty for just chucking (effectively) a life in a skip. I don’t want any of the stuff (difficult relationship/bad memories) but I’m a bit sentimental and find it hard to just throw it all away. Much of it is rubbish really, I will charity shop what I can (difficult in times like now though) and freecycle other stuff. I just feel so bad for throwing out ornaments etc, even crockery, stuff like old cushions etc as it feels like her life meant nothing. Does that make sense?

Any advice gratefully welcomed.

I actually think it would be easier if she had passed away.

It is a hard thing to do. My mum died last year, so we have been clearing out her house to sell it, and it is tough. She was in a care home before she died, and I wish we had started clearing stuff after she had moved in there, as it is more painful now (though this may be different for you as your relationship was not good).

Practically, I would start by removing any of your stuff that’s still in the house (school/ university stuff) as I found it easier to deal with my things and it felt like I was making some progress. After that, we’ve gone through things a watdrobe/ cupboard, drawer at a time. A lot of sentimental things have been boxed and stored to deal with later. Books, crockery, ornaments etc will go to charity (though that’s hard to organise right now), then we’ll get a house clearance firm to clear the furniture. I hate to think about it

Is it just you, or do you have siblings to help?

We are in this position with my MILs house. We are clearing it because it needs to be sold to pay for the care home. I think it’s a bit easier because we are not grieving - but it does feel awkward effectively throwing away her life. But the things are no use to her now and her Alzheimer’s means they don’t even have sentimental value. The only good thing I can say about Alzheimer’s!

It's a horrible thing to do OP but the chances of your mum going home are remote. I understand what you mean about feeling you're 'chucking away' her life; I suspect that anyone who has ever cleared out a house in such circumstances has felt the same way to a degree.

Thanks so much. There’s nothing of mine in the house at all and no siblings to help. It is stuffed to the rafters (literally) with stuff

It just feels so soon but I know if it were left and anything happened to it I’d feel dreadful about it.

Thanks knittedfairies. I know the chances of her going home are remote - she couldn’t now manage independently anyway although she thinks she’s going home after covid.
There’s probably quite a bit of valuable stuff there too, which is probably better to. Be sold now than after she passes away to minimise the things the executor has to do.

You may need to sell the house anyway to pay for long term care. I think either way (now or waiting until she's passed) it's going to be difficult. Can you take some key things to the care home? Ornaments, photo frames etc.

I had to clear out my Dad's house when he died. I felt exactly like I was throwing my parents' life away. I kept as much as I could and my daughter kept some but there is a limit. I had to sort everything else to the charity shop or the tip. Two men with a van from the local Hospice shop came and took most of the furniture. They must have thought I was looking upset (although I thought I was holding it back) and told me that a lot of people would benefit from the sale of these things. They were so kind, they must have seen this many, many times.

Ow, OP, I feel for you. Your mum's stuff has come to the end of its, not her, life with her.

But her stuff can and will bring delight and help to other people if you charity shop it, and it will get a whole new lease of life.

A clearout might be an ending for you, but you're starting a lovely new beginning too.

Especially given what you said about the relationship I would think of it the other way round. Remove those things you want to keep and any important paperwork and get someone to do a house clearance of the rest

I agree with everyone else. It is a really difficult thing, but worth starting to tackle.
You know in your heart she isn't coming home, but dealing with the house seems to be 'admitting' it.
However, it is better done now than letting the house get damp or musty or the target of those criminal minds that know it is empty.

I would start by ''filtering" stuff. Start in one room - maybe a spare bedroom - and get rid of everything that doesn't hold an emotional attachment. The blanket box, the spare sheets and pillow cases, the books, excess furniture, ornaments, etc. All the "stuff" we all have in, that 'might come in handy one day'. Go in the garage or the shed and get rid of the tools and the old tins of paint and all the bits we hoard that, in truth she would never use nor miss even in the remotest of possibilities that she did come back and visit. Put anything personal on one side and come back to it later.
Do you have a good friend that might come and help you for a couple of hours one weekend ? It is SO much easier to do when you don't have an emotional attachment to it.

I’ve never done something like this and I’m sorry to hear about you mum but one thing I would say I to ensure you leave furniture in the home until you decided to sell etc. Mainly because of council tax reasons and home insurance. There’s some kind of clause that if there’s furniture (fridge cooker soafs) then it’s being lived in technically and you won’t incur charges or have insurance made invalid by having an empty home. I only know this as we had to do this with my grandfathers house after he passes. I would be inclined to start a room at a time, my mother started in the bathroom and worked her way upstairs, up stairs held the most memory’s so it was easier for her. Keep what you want, if you’re unsure then keep it and make a decision at a later date. In regards to items that are too good to be thrown away how about a too good to waste scheme? I’m in South Wales and we have a few of those, as long as things like sofas have fire labels and everything clean and tidy they will come remove it and pass it onto someone in need.

Thanks. London girl - I don’t want to take anything to the home as the other residents don’t understand personal boundaries and have already taken some of my mum’s things, which she finds distressing. I’d like her to have them but the thought of their wedding pic going awol makes me upset.

I like the idea of other people benefiting from the things, but there’s a limit as to what can be charity shopped both logistically (getti g it there) and covid.

I have filtered the crap as best as I can and will do a room at a time from now on. It might be a long process!

I did this for my mother, it took months so start soon. My sister was reluctant for us to start, saying it was like throwing her stuff away before she was dead.

But in the end it was for the best, it took weeks and weeks to clear, and suddenly we had to sell the house to pay for the care home, we were really pleased to have made the start when we did.

I feel for you as it's hard, but don't feel bad about getting on with it.

I've had to do this twice in the last 4 years when DM and DUncle went into nursing homes. It's not easy, especially as DUncle was 98 and never threw anything away! Found old school reports, WW2 ration books and toys from 1930s and 40s!!
China, glass, books, old toys, some LPs to local auctions (even if doesn't generate much cash every little bit helps with care home fees).
A local charity took the furniture (as long as sofas have fire cert labels).
Old clean towels to local rspca for postwalk rubdown for the dogs.
Old kitchen stuff and sheets to tip or skip.
Clothes to charities that collect from the house.
Never again though!!

I find myself in a similar situation. My mum has just gone into a nursing home and desperate to come home.

Her house is rented and she has a cat. I went there yesterday to feed him and the thought of having to sort through everything is killing me. Its just me - no one to help, apart from my dp.

Im sticking my head in the sand really

That's not the about the insurance. Check with the company, they will allow up to a certain amount of time unoccupied. It's nothing to do with having furniture in there, or wasn't when I went through this. Council tax may have a reduction for a while. Ours did for 18 months but then it doubles for unoccupied houses.
I found the easiest way to do it was to have two sweeps through - I would keep some things to start with then realise I really had no use for them. I kept a few boxes of stuff which my kids will probably have to clear out when I go. I reduced a four bedroom house down to my few boxes & one skip. Everything else went to charity or Freecycle.

Its really hard. I've had to clear my parents house recently after they both died in a short space of time. I used a house clearance company to do all the heavy lifting of 'stuff' removal and disposal, especially due to covid and the distance from me.
But first I went through and boxed up all the 'must keep' - photos, documents, christmas decorations, jewellery. Then the 'must sell' sweep through, and then a 'not sure'. Then it all went in a self store unit so I could sort it from there.
The house clearance wasn't cheap, but it went from stuffed to completely clear in 2 days and they just got on with it, including all the beds, furniture and horrible carpets. It would have occupied months of doing it at the weekend

We had the same with mil. It is really a hard thing to do. In the end, because I’m ‘not family’ I cleared her final flat. Tried to think of it as passing things in to new hands, rather than throwing a life away. I was lucky in that we had already downsized her from a 3 bed bungalow to a 1 bed flat. For the bungalow I employed house clearance and convinced myself and her that it would be sold on cheaply to those in need. It helped.

If you Freecycle, try and do it from somewhere else. It's not good to tell all and sundry there is an empty house.

It's very hard. It is normal to feel guilty about it, it shows your respect for your mum's life even though relationships are rarely easy/perfect.
It's hard enough after death but you are in a difficult limbo.

As an aside, the experience has made me determined to sort my stuff before I go. I mean, get rid of the rubbish and keep the rest organised, so my daughter, or whoever has to do it, can see what is important straight away.

There are lots and lots of small local charities that take practically everything. Honestly even down to plain cutlery and crockery. Have a google.

I have been doing the same. My ddad passed away recently. We (brother) has got rid of some stuff whilst he was still alive. But it was still hard. First thing was to clear anything sentimental out just incase the house was broken in to and obviously valuables.
My ddad didn't have any expensive furniture so that will go in a skip.
It is hard but your loved ones lives are about so much more than stuff and belongings and that is what I tell myself when I have to make another trip to the charity shop.

A pp said something I think is useful - think of it as passing things into new hands, not as throwing someone's life away.

I think you would find it makes it easier if you go through the house and pick out all the things you want to keep. That way, you know that the sentimental items are safe and cared for, and you're just left with a clearance job.

My best piece of advice is to use a local auction house, if there is a good one within striking distance. The one I used for a house clearance accepted furniture, pictures, ornaments, kitchenware, tools, electrical things, LPs, DVDs and vintage items. They came with a big van and took all this stuff away, which meant that the only things I had to give to charity were clothes, household linens and books. The auction house were also good at spotting items of value, and they picked up on three quite valuable things that I hadn't thought were of any note at all.

Mainly because of council tax reasons and home insurance. There’s some kind of clause that if there’s furniture (fridge cooker soafs) then it’s being lived in technically and you won’t incur charges or have insurance made invalid by having an empty home

I suspect it's different in different areas. In my (recent) case, it didn't make any difference to the council tax whether there was furniture in the house or not. I got 12 months free, and then had to pay full council tax. I got insurance from a company that specialised in unoccupied property, and they didn't care about furniture.

Good luck, OP. It's a hard and upsetting task.