Clearing out my mum’s house

[Qwenzo]

My mum went into a care home in the summer due to her Alzheimer’s and poor sight. She had herself reassessed for capacity as she wanted to come home and the dr said she had lost all capacity to make decisions about coming home so she’s in the care home permanently now.

Her house is standing empty. Obviously I’m still paying some bills for it and it’s a target for burglars standing empty.

When is the right time to start clearing it out? I keep on thinking what happens if I clear it and something happens so she comes home and finds all her stuff gone? This isn’t going to happen now is it?

And a question for anyone who’s gone through this previously - I feel so bad and guilty for just chucking (effectively) a life in a skip. I don’t want any of the stuff (difficult relationship/bad memories) but I’m a bit sentimental and find it hard to just throw it all away. Much of it is rubbish really, I will charity shop what I can (difficult in times like now though) and freecycle other stuff. I just feel so bad for throwing out ornaments etc, even crockery, stuff like old cushions etc as it feels like her life meant nothing. Does that make sense?

Any advice gratefully welcomed.

I may be speaking out of turn but I have been in a very similar position. I really don’t think the house should be cleared until your mum has died.
Yes clear out any rubbish and food etc but not the rest of the stuff.
But obv you must do what you feel is right.

Can I ask why you say that @Barryisland ?

OP's Mum could potentially live for years. In most cases, the house needs to be sold to start paying the cost of the home.

Even if it weren't needed, the job doesn't get easier by leaving it. It is merely a choice of the 'one cupboard at a time' approach over many many months, or the 'house clearance' approach ~ which seems most sensible for anyone who has to do this alone.

@Barryisland the OP's mother is unlikely to come out of the care home. It is not good to leave a house empty for years and they will need the money for care home costs.

I had to do this for my mum. I was quite lucky in that her sisters came to help . We felt sort of guilty going through all mum’s stuff but we laughed and cried at what we found. Family members were asked to take what they wanted. Household stuff and clothes went to charity . Some of the furniture was so old fashioned it was trendy again . Very little went to the tip. I took lots of photos so I would have the memories. Have you a good friend who could help you?

We went through this last year

The insurance company allowed the house insurance policy to run for six months, then we needed to change to a policy which covered a home with no one living in it (nothing to do with furnishings, everything to do with someone who would notice if a water leak started or the windows were broken by intruders)

For the record, the empty house policy was more expensive and then, even more expensive when tenants moved in so the house was no longer empty.

We had already removed any important paperwork and the few things of sentiment or actual value.

DSis who lived locally did most of the work to find people who could actually benefit from the treasured belongings. I arranged a house clearance service to take everything else away.

We worked quickly in order to ready the house to be rented out to help with the care fees. It was not easy, with an underlying concern that she would reappear to ask us what on earth we thought we were doing. By that time, she was bed bound and mostly sleeping, but still the echoes of childhood remain.

I'm left with two large boxes of photographs plus a renewed determination to be much more ruthless with clearing out my own things. I've done nothing with the photographs in spite of being at home a lot more than usual these day's.

Yes it makes sense it is a very difficult thing to do.
I have to do DMs soon it has been 7 months since she died.
She was a size 18 when she died but has a fully stock wardrobe of size12/14/16 onwards she liked to keep things bless her.
I'm dreading it.
Try recycle as much as possible.

Thanks all and thoughts are with those who’ve lost a loved one.

I don’t need to sell just yet for care home fees - it will become an issue eventually and that would be a catalyst for me I think.

It certainly focuses the mind for my own children though - I won’t be leaving them with the same mess (not that I’m a hoarder anyway). There’s effectively four houses there as my DM hasn’t moved anything on after clearing my grandad’s, my grandma’s and my uncle’s houses.

I'm in the same position. Luckily I don't need to sell, and in fact my DS has now moved in to protect my shielding DH (he was living with us).

Talk to your insurance company - yes, it will probably be more expensive to insure while empty, but the other side is that if it is burgled, and you haven't told them it's empty, they won't pay out. You'll probably also need to inspect it every two weeks and document your visits. Insurance has gone down a bit since DS moved in.

We removed the valuable stuff from the house (basically just the computer) as soon as it became empty. I've also got rid of his "working clothes" and anything that is obviously rubbish. We've also taken his tools to look after.

I don't feel happy taking too much else without his permission, and I don't really want to have that conversation with him. Even though he'll never live there again, he may ask to visit to look for some papers. So until his dementia has progressed further, I'm not planning a clear out. This winter I'll start going through his papers and getting them into some semblance of order. Some can be thrown, some will need to be found a home. I think I can also get rid of his car (not driven for the last 8 years) and old paint tins and soon.

It certainly focuses the mind for my own children though - I won’t be leaving them with the same mess (not that I’m a hoarder anyway)
Me too. My DM was a hoarder it is the reason I'm strictly not.
There will be so much to go through 5 wardrobes it's hard to get a chance with lockdown.
Dad is still there so no urgency as such he won't do it.

Just jumping in to say, having read you say small things might go AWOL. You could put small trinkets into a box frame picture and hang it on the wall. Then she could still see the items.

If the house has to be sold, It will be best to do it sooner than later.
You will be surprised how quickly a house becomes musty, that unlived in smell that will put off buyers.
Hard to clear out a life. I had to throw out boxes of photos that meant nothing to me. Mum and Dad in postings somewhere in Africa and South America. All long gone.
Good luck.

I had to do this about four years ago. I am an only child too! My mum is still in her Nursing Home. Thankfully her house was sold quite quickly so that is all done now.

Re pictures, my mums are on the wall in her room so couldn’t be taken - could you ask about that?

I went through her things as quickly as possible. I took a few things, but not much as there wasn’t much I wanted or needed. TBH not really anything worth anything, but a dealer came and took some, a book dealer took quite a few books, we took some stuff to charity shops/the tip, etc.

We are going through this at the moment. Father in a nursing home, it's possible that he may come back, but practically immobile. Over 200 pairs of socks to go through for starters............

Over 200 pairs of socks to go through for starters............ Oh right!! I thought my dad was bad enough with a couple of dozen needing throwing away.

My dad went through a phase of throwing away his pants along with his pad (at least that's what we think was happening) ... don't throw away any good clothes