Dad is obsessed with neighbour feud, don't know what to do!

[Thelatestfigures]

Not sure if anyone can help, sorry this is long.....

My Dad is nearly 90, lives alone (Mum died 20 years ago) is in full control of mental and physical facilities. He's got some feud going on with a neighbour which has been going on for years, he lives in a communal area, 7 houses and has been there for 40 years so the oldest and eldest resident. All the other neighbours have either died or moved away in recent years and so the new incumbents know nothing of the feud, problem is my Dad is totally convinced that the feuding bloke (who is middle aged not elderly) will bad mouth him to the others. My Dad is the Director of the little management group that look after the communal gardens and pathway.

He's just got into yet another argument with this bloke and sent him a curt email and the neighbour has written to him and cc'd all the neighbours in demanding his resignation as Director and telling them a bit of his history.

He's gone nuclear - wants to get solicitors involved etc and I am pleading with him to just let it go. He's now furious at me for not 'supporting' him, should I just agree with him? I just can't. To my mind he is about to create the exact scenario that he was wishing to avoid - i.e all his neighbours believing lies about him if he goes ahead and responds.

I've tried numerous times to tell him that the best way to deal with it is to rise above it and just be cheery and polite to the new neighbours and they will make up their own minds but he is hell bent on putting things straight as he sees it.

I feel so sad that his twilight years are going to be spent on this pointless feuding and hatred and want to try and stop him, btw he asked me to be totally honest. I wasn't interfering with what he is doing.

What do I do? Just nod and smile and let him alienate everyone and go to his maker miserable or keep trying to reason with him?

Thank you for reading!

I'm thinking he actually isn't in full control of his mental faculties. He sounds paranoid and highly combative which might indicate some level of dementia. I would do my best to get him seen by his gp.

Aqua thank you for responding, he's always been like this, sorry I should have said. Always been a very angry man, not violent in the least but firing off angry letters to companies - it's his hobby sadly and moaning about everything, he's been a lot worse since my Mum died but his world is so tiny now this is consuming him.

If that's the case, I fail to see what you can do about it. I can imagine how frustrating this is.

It just makes me so sad to see him wasting his life in this way, he's so unhappy. Maybe his age is irrelevant really.

It sounds like he gains a strange sense of purpose from this. If he's always done this kind of thing, I think you need to accept it's the way he is. It's keeping him busy and giving him something to focus on - a negative situation and not one you'd wish on yourself, but if he's in control of his faculties, I'd leave him to it and don't get involved. Hopefully the other neighbours will form their own impressions of your dad rather than get dragged into this ongoing feud. Nobody wants a fight on their doorstep, and most people would have some forgiveness for a 90yr old even if he does seem a bit argumentative!

I agree with pp, this is his reason to get up in the morning, leave him to it.

Absolutely know this one. My DF got into a variety of difficult spats across his last two decades with the property managing agents, medical issues, some neighbours and laterally the DVLA. He had faculty but for some reason they escalated to a stage which made him incandescent.
Our DM, who had increasing dementia, would fan the flames and rather than deflecting him she made him worse.
With hindsight we should have not given these causes as much oxygen. We should have downplayed and ignored... instead of reading the correspondence or hearing his intended replies and trying to reason with him, we should have chosen not to discuss.

After he died, I had access to all his correspondence and site of even more drafted letters...it was absolutely heart breaking...
If I had the time again I would shut these conversations down and introduce him to new topics and diversions. My DF wasn’t demented but fixated. Not the same but with similarities. He chose to focus on these negatives rather than jollier matters. OP, I don’t think you can change him but maybe you can switch the topic.

I'd leave him to it. Sounds like complaining and having feuds with people is his hobby. It's not your thing, but each to their own, right? He probably thinks your hobbies are boring.

I don’t see how anyone can comment without knowing what the feud is about. Neighbours now know the other mans side, but not your dads, how can that be right? No wonder he is concerned

Perhaps you would be better helping him compile a response to the email setting out his side then leaving them to it

rinsefirst absolutely spot on. It's everyone he argues with, the gas board, insurance companies, supermarkets, car garage, everyone is inept according to him - my most loathed phrase of his is - so and so messed me about so I am writing to the CEO ..... a tirade then ensues. Funnily enough in my own house, when he's here I find it really easy to close down those conversations as I'm always busy getting food ready, dealing with the kids, dogs etc but going down to his house is awful - really sadly it means that I just don't visit. A two hour round trip with a couple of hours there just listening to him ranting and banging the table is no-one's idea of fun.

I think many of you are right in that it gives him a sense of purpose but it is so far removed from how I live my life that I cannot comprehend why you would want to live like that. He is very well educated and articulate so his complaints run to many pages!

Chloe I totally get what you are saying but it was like this with the previous neighbours (who have died/moved away) the nasty one had sent an email to all of them many years ago and he's made it his life's work to 'clear is name' as he puts it. The fact that these are all brand new people and knew nothing of the previous history gave him a chance to start afresh seems to not lodge with him at all. He's dragged it all back up again and the nasty neighbour is clearly gleefully goading him and I'm begging him to just take the moral high ground.

I realise that I want something for him that possibly he doesn't want for himself in that he is jeopardising these new relationships, it all just makes me feel so sad for him as he says he is lonely.

Just to add, the neighbour does seem quite nasty but he does make a view valid points about my Dad sadly, I can't pretend for one minute that he is the innocent party in all of this otherwise I would be really angry on his behalf.

rinse that's so sad about your Dad, I suspect our situation will be similar, if he goes before me that is, you can never assume!

Sounds like the neighbour is the one instigating this. I think you treating your Dad like he’s an angry toddler is a bit unfair, given he’s not actually started any of it with the new neighbours! Maybe empathising with him first and talking about “the last time he did this to you” might make your Dad see he’s being played by the nasty neighbour and he will try switching tactics. Sounds like you’re being dismissive with him, which will just rile him up more.

My Mum thrived on fueds. Her target was normally the council but it moved on to neighbours then anyone.
Sadly she was an alcoholic too.
Eventually she moved in with me and I saw first hand how she built the scenario in her head, instigated a contact and went both barrels. She even moved areas and at both different bungalows, systematically fell out with everyone.
It was honestly the only thing she enjoyed, pickled with bitterness.

The can your DF be distracted at all, if you take him out for a meal eg? Or does he just carry on in a different setting? My DM has a bitter and twisted mode, but I can distract her from it (for that conversation) by just changing the subject. She finds it more difficult to stay on track, so it may be easier in her case.

Nekoness he asked me for my honest opinion and I said that I really thought least said soonest mended and all that. There was a neighbour on the other side that he feuded with for 30 years, he was one of the one's that recently died. I do feel sorry for him and I did say to him last night not to rise to this other man's bait as he's trying to draw him in to make my Dad look bad. It's so hard to know what to do, I want to support him but feel his course of action will only be detrimental to him long term.

I honestly don't dismiss him, just can't quite get my head around how he acts.

TheQueef that's so sad, I'm sorry.

SpongeBob yes he's much better away from home, he's fine out or at my house as yes can distract or there are other people here to help with that. It's if I go and visit on my own to his house that it is really awful or by email, he fires off these emails (bit like Trump with Twitter) at midnight and then I can't sleep as I start worrying.

Then is it possible to meet away from his home, unless there is a reason to be at his home? Might make it easier for you to cope with, given that he seems fairly entrenched in this situation.

why are you not sleeping due worrying? he is an adult and in control of his marbles you are not responsible for him and his responses..

you probably need to be more honest and blunt with him - something like: I dont think that would be a good response as it makes you look bad rather than appealing for moral high ground .....as that is ignoring the fact that he wants to reply.....once you have made your point thats it... his choice
MIL is a bit like this - DH has had better success by being blunter and clearer, had occasional success with pointing out specific things like yes that is poor but what about x , y...which hopefully has made some of her emails/complaints slightly less ranty - but who knows....

also not going over the same thing again and again..... so if she is still rattling on about something after 2/3 phe calls ...again its a blunt response : not going over this again - anything else happening? change subject

getting him out is also probably a good idea...we sometimes take for trip round garden centre or something for alternative moaning opportunity
think of your communication styles you sound nice but maybe being a bit more assertive may be better

I think the bigger picture in this is that your DF doesn’t appear to know when to walk away in these spats. That certainly was the case with my DF. The ‘direction of travel’ was always the wrong way and brought unnecessary angst and stress.
This is a bit of a long shot but the only thing to suggest is that you send your DF a letter in the form of a complaint. Tell him that you have a wonderful articulate Dad who is deploying too much of his time on others when he could be writing a manual of advice to be passed down the family line... or some project that will challenge him. Tell him his time is too precious to be spent fighting with strangers but instead a memoir or photo catalogue would be a much better use of his brainpower and time.
With luck he may see the funny side and you can try to recover some of your common interests.

averythinline you're right, I know I'm not responsible for his behaviour but he just cuts such a sad figure, I do worry at night thinking of him on his own but appreciate that he chooses to behave the way that he does and that is not for me to try to control. I just feel he can't see the wood for the trees.

I've dropped him an email just now chatting about other things. That's our usual method of communication, he had a hearing aid but refuses to wear it anymore which really doesn't help.

Spongebob yes, he comes here or we meet in a cafe, not that I see him very often but we communicate by email every day as a sort of check in.

Rinse yes to direction of travel being the wrong way always! He can never see the nice things in life like a lovely sunset, stars in the sky, sunshine on your face, those things just don't ever penetrate. I started reading a book, can't remember, A Man Called Ove or something? I actually couldn't bear to read it as it just reminded me of him too much. I presume there was some sort of epiphany but couldn't make it that far.

The letter is a great idea, will give it a whirl.

Thank you all for your input, it is so helpful.

You've just described my 76 year old dad. He's only happy when he has a battle on his hands.

Talking to my mum she thinks it's his hobby, he actively looks for issues where they don't exist, throws a his weight around, and I can't see it changing any time soon.

The last poor victim was the TV licence company, now he's onto a neighbour, next week it will be a supermarket. His whole dialogue when we talk is about what he's doing complaining wise, who he's put in their place. He's frankly quite nasty, but I don't live close enough to work with him on finding something else to keep him busy.

Reminds me of Victor Meldrew... It’s all your dad has to contend with, my mum worries about things that no one else would take any notice of. I think it’s their advanced age! It’s sad the nasty neighbour feels like he has to get so involved though. Rinse first has a good idea. Try not to worry, it won’t do any good.

I’m in the receiving end of a neighbour who gossips about everyone to us, they’ve now started on us as we have installed decking. He’s also elderly... Good luck with your dad

I see quite a few persistent, vexatious complainers in my job. It’s pitiful and pathetic really. They never stop though.

You can’t do anything about it, so disengage. Don’t lose sleep! Leave him to it.

Said kindly to you , you keep mentioning ' the nasty neighbour ' but could that person be your dad ?
You admit he has always been a bit ranty and raving at people, perhaps he is the actual one who is a pain in the ass to have as a neighbour. If he was my neighbour I'd be avoiding him at all costs.

It’s how he enjoys himself, by the sounds of things.

My FIL isn’t happy unless he’s moaning. It’s his temperament. He enjoys a good moan. I used to try and deflect or point out the good things, I found him really frustrating. Why be so negative and miserable? The DH pointed out his dad wasn’t unhappy, he was entertaining himself. He liked being grumpy. So I stopped trying to ‘manage’ him and his moaning and let it wash over me. Much better.
Could the same work for you?