Help me cope with elderly mum

[Imtoooldforallthis]

I hope I can explain this. My mum is 80 with dementia, but functions OK to a degree. She only has me, no friends. She lives alone and cooks and cleans for herself OK, manages garden, local shopping etc. She lives in a house that belongs to us but it is her home and has been for many years. I visit her every day and I'm struggling to deal with her, I know I'm a bit short sometimes but somehow can't seem to help it. Things that I struggle with are that she always says she doing stuff for me and wants me to be grateful, like she's cleaned out a cupboard for me or wants me to choose paint colour as it will be for me. She also is very depressing in my company but cheerful with everybody else. It's like she needs my approval for a very thing and it's so tiring. Does anyone else gave the same thing.

Also, have a look at claiming for Attendance Allowance. It isn't means tested, and it should cover things like carer visits.

You really really need to cut down on your visits. What are they achieving being done daily? Your DM gets tearful and you get stressed. Cut back to alternate days and see if that improves things. At the very least it will halve the effort.

I also agree that the Dementia/ADs thing is a red herring. Perhaps book a call to her GP to ask for her meds to be reviewed?

I say this as someone who has walking in your shoes - this may go on for years yet. My DM is 93 next month, so it doesn't get easier with time. I wish I had done more to outsource the 'me' stuff ten years ago.

When I said carers allowance I meant attendance allowance. I call everyday unless there is something urgent I have to do, the reason I call is I can be the only person she sees, there are a couple of neighbours she sees in passing but more so in summer when she's in the garden. She is not very good in the phone as she struggles with her breathing, and she's has never been good with technology and won't video call.

My relative has a weekly local cleaner
I was clear at the beginning, that the work was to be 40% cleaning & 60% chat
It has worked out well. The cleaner has other elderly clients, so they understood what was required

Re POAs. Setting up a POA is not the same as activating it, this only happens if it becomes necessary.

It's recommended that everyone sets them up, there have been cases where one partner was eg in a coma and the other had a dreadful time accessing funds.

If you are in UK all the info about POA is on www.gov.uk

Just to echo and agree with the lots of good advice on here.
Definitely get POA. Really hard get once she isn't capable and that's when you need it most.
Get social services in, they are the gateway to other useful services that may have little or no cost but help keep your Mum safe and independent as long as possible.
YY to a chatty cleaner! Even if just once a week and to do the jobs that are hard to reach etc.

Can I just say that technically it is the person themselves who sets up the POA. You can't set one up yourself if they don't want to make one.

@TheSilveryPussycat

Can I just say that technically it is the person themselves who sets up the POA. You can't set one up yourself if they don't want to make one.

Technically yes. But the OP can fill all the forms in online, for her mum. Then it's just a case of printing them off and having the main witness check that your mum understands what the enduring POA is and that she's comfortable signing it.

Coincidentally the final documents came through for my own POA today. I'm 'only' 64, but I feel a LOT better knowing that it's all set up, and that my daughters won't have to go through the horrible and time consuming problems that my friend did after her parental loss. I hope it won't be needed for a very long time. But it's good to know that it's ready to go.

Sorry, not after her parental loss as such. But when her parent lost her faculties.

saraclara of course.
It's only that children of elderly parents are sometimes advised to "get POA" as if the children are the ones to apply. It can't be done without the agreement of the person it pertains to.

My friend's DF and DM wouldnt do POA, which caused my friend no end of problems

@TheSilveryPussycat

saraclara of course. It's only that children of elderly parents are sometimes advised to "get POA" as if the children are the ones to apply. It can't be done without the agreement of the person it pertains to.

My friend's DF and DM wouldnt do POA, which caused my friend no end of problems

Yep, fair point. Fortunately my Mum was happy to do it years ago, and my SIL has just organised it for my late husband's aunt who again, though fiercely independent (at 91!) is still happy to put her affairs in order for the sake of the next generation down.

But I can imagine that some people will refuse to countenance it, much as some people refuse to make a will.