Help me cope with elderly mum

[Imtoooldforallthis]

I hope I can explain this. My mum is 80 with dementia, but functions OK to a degree. She only has me, no friends. She lives alone and cooks and cleans for herself OK, manages garden, local shopping etc. She lives in a house that belongs to us but it is her home and has been for many years. I visit her every day and I'm struggling to deal with her, I know I'm a bit short sometimes but somehow can't seem to help it. Things that I struggle with are that she always says she doing stuff for me and wants me to be grateful, like she's cleaned out a cupboard for me or wants me to choose paint colour as it will be for me. She also is very depressing in my company but cheerful with everybody else. It's like she needs my approval for a very thing and it's so tiring. Does anyone else gave the same thing.

Anyone?

Hello OP

Do you think it’s because you own the house (if I’ve understood correctly) that she’s checking these things with you?

I think a lot of people put on a brave / polite face for others, and dont for family.

Maybe you need a break from daily visits... do you have any siblings or anyone else that can share this?

This sounds tough and will get harder. You need a break!
Could you start getting help in such as a cleaner/ gardener and then take days off? Introduce some company/ care so she doesn’t always rely on you. Dm is the same- tells me how awful she feels but is bright and cheerful to everyone else......
Also, do you have power of attorney? While she still has capacity?
Vent away on here- we get it!!

No no one else only me, she gave us some money in leiu of rent years ago so it is definately her home. I don't want to get her any help yet as she copes OK and it's the only thing that she has to do. I need to see her every day as she doesn't really see anyone else apart from an odd neighbour when gardening, but less so in winter. She is very teary with me and obviously depressed but cannot take any Ads because of dementia. I find it hard to make conversation sometimes as whatever I say just seems to emphasise what she can't do. Also as she has nothing else to think about everything becomes a big issue.

Oh and as regards power of attorney, no she doesn't want to, I could push her to do it, but part of me thinks it's OK as it won't be my responsability , which makes me sound awful. She has very little money so that is not an issue.

All the more reason to get her some kind of non- you company.
Can be on the basis of befriending/ companionship.
Age uk sometimes offer this or some care companies.
Her needs will increase- you sound at the end of your tether. What happens if you go away?

Power of attorney covers heath as well. Becomes v complex if it is not in place. Have a chat to age uk.

Yes, yes, a 100x yes! In fact I was coming to this section to have a rant myself!

I hyave had a very similar conversation with my mum this morning and I came away wanting to cry!

I have no answers, no advice, just buckets of sympathy and like everyone else a shoulder to cry or an ear to scream into. Like you I get so short with her. Yet when she has visitors she is so bright and funny.

My mum is nearly 84 and disabled with arthritis and I can see her cognitive facilities fading and get so stressed.

Befriending schemes not running at moment due to covid and I don't think that's going to change anytime soon. If we go away we only go maximum 5 days, rely on her grandchildren to keep an eye. She's also not good on phone due to lung disease so struggles to chat to distant relations.

I have carers going into my Mom. Initially she didn't need help but it was companionship (I live 2 hours away). They helped her mental well being. As time has progressed they've been able to help her more in her day to day tasks, as her dementia gets worse. The company we use specialise in dementia care and the appointments are 45 minutes to 1 hour.

It's taken the pressure off me. I speak to Mom every day but I don't have to worry about her day to day care. Any problems get flagged to me by the carers, plus I can see her care reports on my phone.

I'm sorry, but you REALLY need to get an application for Power of Attorney organised. Even the simplest of transactions or bill paying will otherwise be a nightmare when she gets worse. It's far more difficult to apply when she's no longer considered able to understand what she's doing. You don't need to actually use it yet, but applying for it online and getting her to sign it is simple. It just takes a few weeks after application before it becomes legal

I've just got my POA in order and I'm only 64, fit and well! But I saw the havoc and stress resulting from my friend's mum not having it in place when needed. Seriously, you really don't want to have to deal with that. I certainly don't want my kids to, which is why I set mine up while I'm well.

Oceans of sympathy for you OP, our DM was exactly like that. Laid all of her cares and anxieties on my DSis and was bright and cheerful with everyone else

Echo what everyone else says about POA especially for health and welfare. You can fill in the forms on line so it just needs a couple of signatures (once you find someone to certify capacity. A friend or neighbour who has known your mother for some time is all it takes, they really don't need to know them well.

Also about drafting in support from 'anyone but you ' sooner rather than later if you possibly can. There are lots of local befriending services around. Even just an hour a week would give her some contact (and something to complain about). I also recognise how in these declining years help tends only to be accepted in response to some event, such as a fall but if you can get started in introducing 'outside' people if really might help you.

If you find it just increases the load on you , then that's not the right person. Good luck with it all. Do come here to vent anytime you like. I had such help from this board, it would be a pleasure to 'pay it forward' in however small a way.

Thank you everyone, I know I need to do POA, I think I'm putting it off because I don't want more responsibility, but I realise it will be down to me anyway. So will get on with it this week. Thank you all for your support.

In terms of conversation - it is hard. One likes conversati0ons to have some root in reality! But the kindest thing for her is not to disrupt her world view - you won't "correct" her view, only distress her until she's worked out a new world view to take everything into account. So when she's cleaned out a cupboard for you, thank her, and tell her what a good job she's done. Choose a paint colour, just make sure it's one you think she will like. It's difficult to treat a parent like a toddler, but it will make things easier for her.

Good point mere. I found it easier to deal with DM treating her, as DSis suggested, as a toddler. No point upsetting her, gentle distraction all the way.

Horrible, isn't it

OP why do you think your DM can't take antidepressants? People with dementia can absolutely be prescribed them.

2 things:

Get the POA organised as soon as possible. Due to COVID delays they are currently taking months to process so the sooner you do it the better. Also you can only do it while she has capacity to agree - if you leave it, she may be too poorly to do it in which case you have missed the opportunity.

Secondly - people with dementia absolutely can have treatment for depression such as antidepressants. Is she having a medication for her dementia? She needs to have a proper assessment of her mood.

My MIL is now at the advanced stage of her dementia. She's been on AD ever since it properly took hold.

@Imtoooldforallthis
I don’t know where you are but here in Scotland the befrienders are still
working.

Age uk are doing phone befrienders transitioning back to in person. You canalso hire carers as ‘companions’- or to go for a walk etc. Lots of agencies. It does help. I couldn’t possibly visit mine every day and I’m not surprised you’re feeling down!

Hi , yes, meant to add we had good experiences with agencies providing people who were very flexible

For visits we used
https://www.homeinstead.co.uk and then, when live in companions were required
https://www.country-cousins.co.uk

Certainly not cheap, but great value for what we needed. We paid a fee to the agency and the the people directly, so we knew what the people were being paid.

My dad has a companion carer through Crossroads...I'm not sure how widespread their services are.

He stopped coming while we were in gardcire lockdown but has been back for a while now and is brilliant.

Might be worth seeing if the operate in your area.

Thank you for all your replies, she is not on medication for dementia, she has been on it but she had bad side affects and no noticeable improvement. She has had a couple of TIAs which are also presenting as dementia, copd and limited lung function. I will look into carers but she has no savings only her pension and the carers allowance. So not sure she could afford a companion.

Contact your local social services and ask for an assessment of needs. If she has limited funds they can fund a care visit - might just be maksure she’s ok, but takes the pressure off a bit. They can signpost to other local support services such as a dementia hub with social facilities.
LPA must and can only be given when someone has capacity to do so. You don’t have to act if it feels too much. Without it, you should still be consulted about decisions but you won’t make them.

It does make life easier around finances if you have it. It does give you control over healthcare decisions if you have it.

Could she apply for attendance allowance?