Does anyone else feel you have to hide what's going on in your life because of parent's anxiety makes it worse?

[TabbyStar]

My DM who I'm the only carer for since CV is incredibly anxious, she always has been, and massively over-analyses everything. If I tell her something is going badly she will (a) keep contacting me and asking me about it; (b) over-react and assume that it's going to mean disaster (every time my brother has problems at work she thinks he's going to lose his house!); and (c) ask me whether I made the wrong decision / made a mistake / should have done something else.

I've tried to gently discuss it with her on various occasions (and also quite bluntly said once "I don't tell you because you're so anxious" but she denies this).

Some days (today) I feel I really don't have it in me to put on a bright face and be cheerful, but neither can I tell her about the things I have going on without making things more stressful for myself. I see her / speak to her most days.

Does anyone recognise this situation, and what do you do? I don't have a DP so whilst I have a bit of support from friends, it's not realty the level of emotional support I sometimes feel would help me cope better with this.

My mother would be up all night thinking of solutions for my problems even though I am an adult and capable of sorting things out for myself. I had the car serviced this week, not an issue as I drop it off and walk home. I had three phone calls from her offering help with getting home that I didn't need or ask for.

I don't tell her anything until afterwards unless I have to because otherwise she jumps straight to an imaginary catastrophe and I have to deal with the problem as well as dealing with her dealing with the problem.

"Catastrophizing" is the search term you want here.

I totally understand. I wish I had parents I could turn to. As it is, they're very demanding but incapable of dealing with anything life throws up. I have a lot on my mind ( upcoming medical appointment, work issues) but would never tell them.

Yup. I try and keep most of my problems to myself.

If I have a minor headache she’ll be on the phone for the next two days checking up on me. While that’s really loving and thoughtful the headache was away within 20mins with paracetamol so her over reaction was unwarranted.

You know the kind of thing.

So now I try and keep the most of my issues to myself or tell only half the story to avoid a major worry arising and her being up half the night thinking and worrying about me.

I think you get less capable of handling multiple stressors when you get old. One thing at a time seems to be the limit.

If the car needs serviced and work done I’ll tell her after if I can. Otherwise she’ll worry about repairs that may crop up. No need for that do I try and protect her from herself.

My parents don't know I have MH diagnoses of depression & anxiety and take ADs. It's just now worth the hassle.

NOT worth the hassle.

With increasing age has come increasing anxiety over anything and anyone, and I don't want to add to that in any way.

So I no longer tell them about quite a few aspects of my life... which cuts the amount of topics we have to talk about, and means we rehash the same trivial conversations over and over again

It's sad, and I miss the genuine support I used to get from talking things through with them, but I suppose it is now my turn to absorb their concerns and support them. I can feel myself eing relentlessly positive and cheery. I would probably find myself quite irritating!

It's nice to know people understand even though I'm sorry you experience it.

I hope I don't get like this! My DM is very capable in many ways, and this is just an extension of her general personality, I think as a result of the stress and anxiety of growing up somewhere that was badly bombed during the war and being passed around a lot she tries to manage her anxiety by trying to control everything.

I have to watch this tendency in myself, but occasionally it comes to a head, this time because of the terminal illness of DCat, which is upsetting but has also taken up a lot of time the last couple of days. I did tell DM that DCat had gone to the vet, but at that point we'd been told it was just an infection. DM is quite fond of the cat, and I will tell her, but not until it's clearer what the prognosis is. But I just massively hate lying (not exactly a lie that we're waiting for more test results but not the whole truth though I did lie on Thurs and said I'd got caught up in a work crisis) and also putting on a cheery face when I feel like getting into bed and crying. It's so exhausting and relentless. I'm not sure there is an answer other than just putting on the cheery face but some days I just think "what about me?"

Reminds me the other day I got soaked walking over to her house, it didn't really bother me, but with all the fussing when torrential rain started as I reached the end of her drive when I left I decided the better option was to just carry on and get drenched rather than stand in her dry porch and have the fussing again!

I have a whole load of things I haven't told my mum because i don't want her to worry about me & my family when she has my dad to look after.

It's hard because I have to make lots of excuses, especially recently when my DD's mental health was bad.

There's a different set of things we keep from my MIL. It's so hard to keep track of who knows what!

My parents don't know I have MH diagnoses of depression & anxiety and take ADs. It's just now worth the hassle.

Yeah I have a physical health condition that could potentially be life threatening that I haven't told her about, though it may never affect me, so I have to lie about where I am if I have hospital appointments. My DB though tells her things, so I get her anxiety about him!

Definitely. My parents are as nosy as ever, but I've long stopped sharing uncomfortable news with them (put it that way, me and DH might have had covid back in March, and we made sure they never knew)

They would be unable to help, and having to handle their fears on top of the initial problem would make it worse (also any advice they may have to offer would be shit, and we would end up arguing...)

There's a different set of things we keep from my MIL. It's so hard to keep track of who knows what!

I'm sorry but this did make me smile, that's the thing, not only do you have to cope with whatever the crisis/situation is, there's a whole load of new mental work you have to do!

I'm sure my DM would be mortified if she knew she was making things more difficult for me, but doesn't quite get why her behaviour isn't helpful.

It's sad, and I miss the genuine support I used to get from talking things through with them, but I suppose it is now my turn to absorb their concerns and support them. I can feel myself eing relentlessly positive and cheery. I would probably find myself quite irritating!

I think this is one of the difficult things, it does change your relationship with them. When my DF was dying one of the things he said was how I was always smiling, which was nice, and okay for six weeks but it's difficult day in and day out.

I've learnt not to discuss anything of concern with my mother as she becomes so overly anxious and then turns it into her problem and how upset it's making her feel.

My youngest child is severely disabled and also has mental health issues. Life has been extremely difficult for him and our family over the past few years. I'd love to have a parent to share my worries with. Unfortunately I've learnt that telling my mum about our lives will just add another problem on my shoulders.

In addition she has a way of twisting any information and using it as ammunition against me. Best to keep to mundane chit chat about the weather, tv programs and current affairs!

Oh yes that’s me and my mum. She’s 89 now and I’ve not told her anything in over 20 year. How she thinks my whole family have not had any problems or illnesses in all that time is amazing ! She can’t cope, and we would all suffer by her constant ringing and questioning so it’s just easier for us this way, quite sad really as I’m an only one but I have a fab husband and friends so manage well .
You will get used to it eventually,I must be a good actress.

It's fine most of the time, but since I now have so much communication with her it's hard when I'm in the middle of my own crisis, I can't compartmentalise so much because I need to see or talk to her pretty much every day. She had carers before covid, mainly to do household stuff and shopping rather than personal care, but she's worried they are a covid risk, which is fair enough, she is v vulnerable, but now all the jobs she needs doing are down to me. I have to make up lies about helping other people with their crises. I don't know how to say "I can't talk to you today mum I have my own shit to deal with" without the consequences of the anxiety!

This could have been written about my Mum however she makes up issues where there is none eg we have a 180lt tropical fish tank and her concern is it bursts leaking out all the water, the water heater will continue to work which will lead to it overheating causing a massive fire and the house will burn down with us in it. It's exhausting

My DF in his last year or so developed an obsession that the TV was going to fall off the cabinet as we'd moved it forward to stop the cat sitting in front of it. Also someone was going to trip over the extension lead we used for charging phones and probably die!

I read research that older people are less likely to be referred for treatment for anxiety and depression, and actually statistics do show anxiety dropping off population-wise after 65, but that doesn't help people who are actually anxious. Sometimes it works in our favour though, DM wants to give DD some money for her first car in case she buys a rubbish one that somehow manages to kill her.

Hi Tabby. Now the COVID figures are reducing could you have the carers back in again, I’ve just been awarded an hour a day for my mum and they wear their masks at all time, mum isn’t too bothered by the COVID though which is surprising really as she’s anxious about everything else !
The only problem I’ve got now is she’s refusing to pay for the carers because according to her they don’t do anything and she’s going to be better soon and won’t need them 🙈 Which would be great but can’t see it myself .

She won't get carers back at the moment, she is pretty self-sufficient, a lot of the stuff that I do is sorting out the constant issues with her technology, picking up a few shopping things, posting back the things she's ordered online and doesn't want (!) and occasional practical tasks around the house, she is very vulnerable to covid-19 so I can understand that she doesn't want to take the risk of carers for the little they would do. These things wouldn't be so much of a problem for me if I could occasionally say I can't do anything for a couple of days whilst I sort out something else, but it's the withdrawing or being honest about what's going on that sets off her anxiety because she's castrating and creates more demands!

Yes of course I've shielded my parents from difficult things in my life as much as possible as I don't want them to worry. My Mum in particular would have had sleepless nights worrying. It was very hard when I split up with my husband so I didn't call or visit them when I was in distress. But I have never really relied on my parents for advice or support since turning 18. I've relied on myself or my friends not family. So it's not been a problem.

My mother has always been like this. When my siblings and I chat, we always say, don’t tell mum.

Now she has reached her 70s she is even worse and worries about the smallest things. It has become quite debilitating for her.

It has become quite debilitating for her.

I think my DM doesn't realise how it affects her quality of life, she spends HOURS researching things to make sure she's getting the best deal, e.g. recently buildings insurance, it's taken her days, and she spent about £70 and those amounts of money are definitely not a financial issue for her, she's so worried about making the wrong decision, she'll look at every single comparison site and then research the ones not on the comparison sites, then she complains she hasn't got time to do anything she wants to do, I try to point these things out gently but she doesn't seem to see the link. It can't be nice to be so anxious all the time, but what I see as anxiety she sees as "planning" and good preparation!

It's agonising when your adult children run into problems. You still have the same love and care for them as you did as children, but you can't solve their problems for them as you did then. You either have to keep quiet or offer any help you can. And standing by and doing nothing when something bad is happening to your child is so difficult to do.

I don't tell my father about problems - he doesn't have a lot to do and will put immense thought into solving the problem, using resources available in the 60s and completely ignoring anything invented after 1980, and his poor grasp of time means he is still offering solutions long after the problem has been solve.

But equally I have a friend who I don't tell my problems to - she wears her emotions on her sleeve, and is upset by others' distress as if it were her own. Sometimes I can't cope with all that at the same time as my own problems.

And I notice a friend whose husband was diagnosed with cancer about a month ago has only just told the rest of our friendship group - sympathy can sometimes prove too much.

So I don't think the not telling is confined to elderly DPs. It may be elderly DPs have a lower threshold of what constitutes a big problem. Inevitable if your autonomy is being steadily removed that smaller problems will start to loom larger.

I recognise this from my late Mother: c) ask me whether I made the wrong decision / made a mistake / should have done something else.

Something bad happens = what have I done
Someone behaves awfully = what did I do to cause it

It took me decades to realise this is an anxious negative thinking pattern that should be avoided. She was a lovely person but the above used to give me silent internal rage. I try hard to be far more stuff happens, move on.

Tabby Your mum sounds like my father. He'd spend so long researching savings accounts that by the time he'd made a decision they were no longer accepting new savings into those accounts. That's when I took over managing his savings under PoA, and I did it on the strict understanding that I was not going to talk over any of the detailed decisions.

He became paranoid that his wardrobe was going to fall over on him - the nursing home sorted that by tethering it to the wall with a steel cable. They are extremely good at putting in measures to solve non-existent problems - I guess they've had a lot of practice.

It does seem that the best solution is not to try and convince them that what they're worrying about won't happen, but rather to accept it could happen and put in some measure to stop it happening.