Does anyone else feel you have to hide what's going on in your life because of parent's anxiety makes it worse?

[TabbyStar]

My DM who I'm the only carer for since CV is incredibly anxious, she always has been, and massively over-analyses everything. If I tell her something is going badly she will (a) keep contacting me and asking me about it; (b) over-react and assume that it's going to mean disaster (every time my brother has problems at work she thinks he's going to lose his house!); and (c) ask me whether I made the wrong decision / made a mistake / should have done something else.

I've tried to gently discuss it with her on various occasions (and also quite bluntly said once "I don't tell you because you're so anxious" but she denies this).

Some days (today) I feel I really don't have it in me to put on a bright face and be cheerful, but neither can I tell her about the things I have going on without making things more stressful for myself. I see her / speak to her most days.

Does anyone recognise this situation, and what do you do? I don't have a DP so whilst I have a bit of support from friends, it's not realty the level of emotional support I sometimes feel would help me cope better with this.

Yes I completely recognise this pattern. My mum is 89. I live in a different state (in Australia) and due to COVID border closures have not been be able to visit her since March. This is so hard for us both and we speak every day. But I have realised that for years she has only seen a highly curated version of my life, where everything is great with me, dh and DC. This is a direct response to her anxiety. If she thinks anything is wrong with me or my sisters or extended family she will tell us all that she has stayed up all night worrying. It's hard work. Sometimes I hang up after a call and burst into tears.

Tabby I see where your coming from re the carers. Your not going to change her now i learned that a long time ago with my mum, trying to help her with things only made her angry as she wanted to do everything herself , eventually she gave in, and we now have a joint bank account and I pay all her bills for her, much easier, How old is your mum would she let you do this for her ?. I don’t advise anymore about her life,unless she asks , she’s a very strong women although she makes some awful choices sometimes I just smile and say okay mum, because at the end of the day I can’t lock her in and feed her every meal, or be there 24/7 I phone everyday and visit twice a week. Could you cut down very slowly, she would get used to it eventually .

• Something bad happens = what have I done Someone behaves awfully = what did I do to cause it*

It took me decades to realise this is an anxious negative thinking pattern that should be avoided. She was a lovely person but the above used to give me silent internal rage. I try hard to be far more stuff happens, move on.

Not sure how silent and internal my rage is . This is one of the most infuriating things, I've had to ask her not to do it with my daughter recently about her change of direction and whether DD had originally made a "mistake", I just said I didn't feel that it was a helpful way of thinking as DD has her reasons at the time and I didn't want her to feel bad about herself.

Katyy my DM is 87 and mostly pretty astute about things (too astute with the constant research!) - I think you're right that I'm struggling with the frequency of contact - or more I'm struggling at times with the frequency of contact when I've got other pressing issues - I just don't like to think of her going for more than a day without any contact with anyone as I know she's struggling with my DF's death and I don't know when she's spoken to other people, but maybe I just have to get over that. I can text her so it's not having no contact at all. My DB ought to be doing more too but that's another story.... I've also suggested she "speaks to someone" about the bereavement but she's not keen.

Hi Tabby. It’s difficult isn’t it, does she have friends or neighbours that could pop in ? Or would she consider going to a community centre coffee morning etc, my mum can’t as she not dressed until lunchtime then her afternoon bp tablet sends her back to sleep until tea time , but she still says she’s lonely ☹️. I tell myself I have to be fair to everyone my job, my grandchildren and my husband there’s only so many hours in a day.

She was fairly sociable and went to U3A, but Covid has put a stop to it for the moment other than occasional garden visits from a couple of friends, I can't really see that changing until there's a vaccine. I went round and helped her with her garden yesterday, which takes the pressure off talking about other stuff and avoids the having to lie about things! It's so difficult though isn't it to work out how to split your time and not feel so guilty when you can't give them your attention?

OP you are going through stage one.
In a few years you will reach stage two which is where when you call or visit your parent they don’t ask about you at all. They sadly can’t get past their own issues and so you don’t have to hold back as you get no opportunity to disclose. In our circumstances stage 3 was when you stop the frequency of calling your parent as your phone call interrupts them and upsets them if you question. From stage 1 to stage 3 was about ten years.

Hi Tabby yes the guilt is the worst thing, but I think we would feel guilty no matter what. I hope things improve for you and your mum, hopefully when things get back to normal everything will be easier at least . Try not to worry too much ,you sound as if you’d being a fab daughter, be kind to yourself and have the odd day off now and again your mum will get used to it.

Rinsefirst that’s sad but I can relate! My late DM would fret and constantly refer to anything I expressed as a concern - it took me a long time to realise all the concern was about her. She was literally inconsolable due to my being later home than planned one evening, but what was very telling is that the fact I was fine cut no ice and she wasn’t interested in what had held me up; she just sat sobbing. She really didn’t have room for my real worries and our conversations were only to do with her towards the end. I just accepted she didn’t know me and that I could accept the relationship as it was or not - I chose to get on with it but it was sad.

Crafty With hindsight I find its easy to piece it together 15 years hence... Specifically for my DM it was anxiety associated with dementia which first became noticeable in her mid 70s. But at the time it was really sad all round. When you are caught up in the moment it’s impossible not to be affected in some way and brush it off. I guess we are both able to flag this to you to others starting out who may be experiencing similar.

Rinse my DM definitely doesn't ask me as much as she used to, the main problem comes when I have to make an excuse about why I can't see her / do something for her, as there's something I need to do most days and I have to have a bright and cheery conversation when really I just want to cry. I'm pretty sure my DM won't last 10 years, she's nearly died about five times now, my DB thinks she's immortal!

Thanks Katyy it's difficult to know whether things will settle down or whether we'll just have one crisis after another (had 4 emergency hospital admissions in the last year) until the end.... But I can only do so much and I definitely need to put myself first.

Taddy it’s quite possible you have started the grieving process for the loss of your mum now, that’s why you feel it so acutely.

I can relate to so much of this. My Mum, now 92 and in a home, has been like this for the last few years. As you say, it is so difficult to have a bright and cheery conversation when you are feeling like crap, and of course the current pandemic has only made things worse.

There are lots of things I have hidden from her, but one of our family members tried to hide the fact that he had been diagnosed with cancer, going so far as to concoct a tale about a long holiday to account for that fact that he could not visit her while he was having his treatment. In the end it became too difficult and he came clean with her. I think she was more upset by the fact that everyone knew except her than she would have been by knowing the truth from the start. (Happy to report the relative in question has since been given the all clear.)