Aunts response breaking my heart.

[Rincewind1213]

Opinions please. My grandfather is 93 and is currently being shielded. Our family have been protecting him by not visiting, the only exception is my mother who has met him in his garden to drop off supplies. I’ve just discovered that my aunts have been seeing him ALMOST EVERY SINGLE DAY since lockdown started by either going into his house or encouraging him to drive to theirs. I suspected as much and tried to politely express my concern via text message (we are estranged and I have tried to reach out a few times during lockdown regarding logistics for my grandfather but have been consistently rebuffed.) Not only did they admit in a text that they have been seeing him but they effectively accused me of being a terrible grandaughter because I haven’t (I work at a school and I didn’t think it was responsible of me to do so.) They also said (and I quote) “Why the sudden interest? Is it because you think he’s on his last legs?” Effectively accusing me of feigning interest because I want some sort of inheritance.

A bit of background here, my grandfather has 6 children and the the 2 aunts spent many years telling my grandfather that his other children were terrible people. Every time they fell out with one of them they insisted my grandfather and grandmother (now deceased) take their side. Bit by bit my grandparents favoured my aunts and excommunicated their other children. After my grandmother passed away my grandfather softened and started letting his other children back into his life. My grandmother had dementia for a very long time and I believe that they manipulated her mental heath into believing that all my other aunts and uncles were terrible people. They are verbally aggressive and accusatory, I’m pretty sure that they have slowly been stealing my grandmothers jewellery (on my grandmothers deathbed in hospital her wedding ring just happened to pop out of my aunts bra and she made the excuse that she was going to get it cleaned.) My grandfather is terrified of people coming to his house (possibly because so many things go missing.)

They pay for his council tax, phone bills and some other bills. I am grateful that they are offering him financial support and keeping him company. They persuaded him many years ago to write a will only with them to inherit (I’m fine with that but it makes me question their intentions.)

Here’s the kicker, my aunt was a celebrity in the 70’s and has 4000 followers on Twitter. She constantly talks about saving the NHS and how terrible Dominic Cummings is and has a host of loyal fans nodding along. I feel such burning injustice at it all. I was simply reaching out because I was concerned about the squalor he lived in and was asking them if we could all coordinate more as a family to look after him and they said I don’t do enough for him. Before lockdown I visited and called, sent him the odd card and humorous message, bottle of wine or a bit of DIY. I’ll admit that I don’t pay his council tax or phone bill, does that make me a bad granddaughter? Now I’ve reached out and expressed my concern about his recent deterioration in living standards and that there may need to be a coordinated effort, do I deserve to get my hand slapped? I’m at a point in my life where I can help out more financially (I have my own young family and my own parents heading into retirement.) But a big project like retiling his bathroom and fixing an extension that is falling apart is surely something for the group of us to coordinate (I’m happy to pay.)

No, they are being defensive and unpleasant. I don't agree they are right at all, you have all done the right things (them going to care for him, you popping by but not having contact).

They obviously aren't nice people, but you aren't going to be able to change that by texting/trying to intervene when they are the main carers. I would ignore them, chat with your mum about it, and see your grandpa when it is safe and sensible to do so. It also sounds like he is mentally confused, if he is not sure why you are driving by, so it may be that visiting him is not going to be appreciated as much as would be nice.

This is a hard situation, but I think you are not in a position to change it, and you should leave them to get on with the care side. If you want to respond, say 'I didn't want to put grandpa at risk of corona myself, as I work in a school. Thanks for all you are doing for him' and leave it at that and don't reply to any more messages.

In answer to your question, no you didn't deserve their response.
You are acting in a way that you feel protects your relative and supports local government advice.
Some people just like to control others. They just seem like middle management to me.
They have to live with the consequences of their actions so if they are doing things that discourage your GF to be in contact with other relatives, that is something they will have to live with.
If you're worried though, I would contact adult social care or age concern and discuss your concerns.

Forget the backstory, they'll have their own take on it, as will your grandparents.

Even you admit they're doing the majority of the care for your grandfather, both financially and practically.

You're concerned that they've been seeing him, but you say he doesn't understand lockdown anyway. In which case it would be crueller for everyone to not see him.

I think after they've been doing the majority of looking after for years, for you to start chirping up at this point and 'politely expressing your concern' i.e. having a go at them - because no matter how politely you expressed your concern, that is how it'll have come across to them - about them visiting and then texting about 'coordinating efforts' for big projects like retiling his bathroom and sorting out an extension (why have you chosen to being that up now? It can't even be done now anyway) is out of order tbh.

I can see why they've gone on the defence.

Back off, let your mum deal with your aunts, and if you do have genuine concerns about your grandfather living in "squalor" then contact adult social services.

What involvement has your parent (his child) had with him? You haven't mentioned your mother or father in this?

Ok, I've re-read and I'm presuming he is your Mum's father. She has dropped off supplies. How does she get on with him and her sisters?

My gran was still running a quilting class at the age of 93. There is a massive difference between the health of people of that age.

OP, she shouldn't have treated you that way. You did well and you can look yourself in the eye that you did everything in your power to keep him safe. In my experience you can't change people that either feel entitled or narcistic. You can only change your own reaction to them. Having said that, I don't have any advice on how to deal with this.

My grandmother is 93 and has been shielding, she’s in excellent health, still lives independently. She has no intention of dying yet!
But there is a line and she will gradually start to see people soon as her life needs to be fulfilled.

She sees my aunt daily as she lives on the next road and provides some help with personal care (my grandmother has my aunt there when she showers etc as she had a fall a while back and although can do things herself she lost confidence a bit and it’s safer).

We won’t travel just yet as it’s 4hrs away but gradually we will.

God I’m so sorry but I’m totally sidetracked by the “celebrity in the 1970s” revelation.

I can’t stop thinking of Pam Ayres.

I don’t get this idea that “we’re shielding her/him,” Do these people not have the mental capacity to make decisions for themselves then? .

At 93 I wouldn’t shield either. Not because I expect to die, but because I wouldn’t want to spend the rest of my life locked up at home.

It feels as though you are trying to weaponise your grandad as much as they are.

You're a bad granddaughter for not visiting him.

They're bad daughters for visiting him.

If this is really about your grandad's welfare and not about proving who is right and who is wrong, then it's up to him to decide what he does and what he doesn't. If he doesn't want to be shielded then that's his choice as a grown man to make.

They sound unpleasant so ignore the digs. You're doing what you feel is right.

However I have a lot of elderly patients who are really lonely because of this virus, a lot of them have made the decision not to shield because it's too miserable. However a lot of this depends if he has capacity to make that decision.

My sister and I have been visiting my parents daily during the lockdown as we are their carers. My mam has moderate Alzheimer's and Dad could not manage her on his own. He is 89 she is 88. I talked to Dad about the virus and risks of us giving it to him but he said he could not survive without us and would take the risk. Plus other alternative was to put mam in a nursing home which would have been a death sentence!

Yeah the more I think about it. ( It’s hard to go into details here) the more I think I need to contact adult services. My mother is actually frightened of them and she’s often afraid of visiting because they are usually there and will give her verbal abuse. Before lockdown my grandfather would come over to hers twice a week for dinner and she would give him casseroles to heat up and groceries. She isn’t as financially solvent as my aunts are and she does the absolute best she can, she was my grandmothers primary career and had to bathe and take her to the toilet before she passed away. They often verbally abused my mother and constantly told her she wasn’t doing enough. He is also so anxious about people visiting his home it’s is best if he comes to us. Just before lockdown my mother went to see if he was topped up with food and supplies and was devestated at the state of the house, she took pictures and is very worried about the extension (his lounge) being a hazard. The thing is that obviously we haven’t been doing nothing all these years but we haven’t been observed by my aunts because they don’t see us. I think he needs more than his phone bills paid, I think he needs a cleaner and someone to regularly wash his clothes and it was this that I was hoping to suggest we set up but because of his anxiety I about people visiting I wanted to check in them first.

Thanks everyone for taking the time to respond. I won’t lie some of your responses have stung quite a lot but i appreciate the alternative points of view and I’m trying to take the advice with grace. 🙏

There are some horrible responses on this thread. Please remember that this is a real person we're talking about - both the OP and her grandad.

It sounds like they are being unpleasant to you and it is quite obvious that you care and merely following guidelines since a keyworker.

Moving forward though, would you visit him and stay 2 metres away from him in the garden - would that help him and you?

@Needamanicure yes since Boris has suggested 6 people can meet in a garden I think I’m just going to crack on with it. Focus on what I can do and not what I can’t.

Hey OP, I can see that some of the PP have left you reeling a bit, some yes are stinging. You are doing the absolute best you can and you have taken a step further towards looking after your grandfather by identifying the risks and making a positive step towards helping him. You are a great granddaughter, you are proactive in trying to better the life of your grandfather, you are a good person. Don't let the stings hurt.

@BluebellsareBlue Thank you 😊

He’s 93! Statistically, COVID or no COVID, he won’t survive the next 12 months anyway. What?!! Statistically he has a remaining life expectancy of 3.23 years and only a 0.22 chance of dying in the next 12 months.

No wonder so many on MN are sanguine about elderly people getting Covid if people have such unrealistic beliefs about their likelihood of duying in the next few months.

I can’t understand the people who think that the prospect of a loved one dying agonisingly slowly, gasping for breath and alone, is an acceptable risk just because that person is old and ‘going to die anyway’.

No one is saying that dying alone is acceptable because you are “going to die anyway”. What I said was, if I was 93 and undoubtably towards the end of my life, I wouldn’t have spent the time that I had left isolated from my loved ones. That’s not the same thing.

I can imagine that, at 93, I would take my chances.

Pottering What you actually said was "Statistically, COVID or no COVID, he won’t survive the next 12 months anyway."

Whereas statistically, without COVID, the chance of surviving the next 12 month is 4 times the chance of not survivifing it.

Sorry to labour the point, but it's a comment I've seen made all over social media, "why are we going to all this effort to protect a whole lot of people who are going to die in the next 6 months anyway" and it needs to be challenged. It's simply not true that Covid is mainly killing people who were about to die, even if they are in their 80s or 90s, yet this belief is contributing to the lack of concern about older people.

I think at 93 his mental health is more important. I don't blame them for seeing him.

Or, it’s contributing to a concern about older people where quality of life is perhaps much more important than the longevity of it.

However much you jazz it up, at 93 you are far far closer to dying than some other people . And at 93 I reckon I would have had a great innings (for contrast, my dad didn’t make it to his 70’s). So would I rather 2 years more by myself, or less time with other people?

That’s a really personal decision - and if he’s chosen the latter the OP doesn’t get to be cross about that, even if she would have chosen the former.