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Elderly parents
Original poster

Dad dying, how to cope with Mum

819 replies

MintyCedric · 28/04/2020 23:35

I was on here about a year ago after my dad had a bad fall and broke 4 vertebrae.

To cut a long story short, although there was no spinal cord damage and we got him home after 7 weeks, he never really recovered and his health and wellbeing has been on a downward trajectory ever since.

Shortly after lockdown he became largely bedridden (other than going to the bathroom) due to weight loss and lack of strength/balance. Verdict of 2 x GPs and practice nurse is that it's likely he has some kind of late stage gastrointestinal cancer and a prognosis of a couple of months at best.

Over the last week has been struggling to get to the bathroom (he has a commode and portable urinals in his room.but I've had to hold him up to use the latter. Today he made it out to the loo but I had to lift him off it).

Mum seems to be somewhat in denial and is not really managing to make any decisions about equipment and carers, and emotionally is utterly exhausting.

I'm visiting them almost daily, sometimes for several hours or more than once, but feel I'm spending all my time propping mum up. I want to be supportive but I'm also trying to work from home, keep an eye on 15yo DD (who is great but starting to forget what I look like), keep my own home/paperwork under control and look after myself (which is frankly a lost cause).

I feel guilty as hell for both resenting Mums demands on my time and brain space, and also because I'm dealing with the dad aspect on autopilot and have barely cried or even begun to process the situation.

I imagine my mum's emotional demands will only get worse and feel like my life is basically going to be over for the foreseeable future. I'm terrified I'm going to have give up work and my home to care for her and although I love her dearly, we are like chalk and cheese and I just don't think I could cope.

OP posts:
chilling19 · 16/08/2020 12:51

You need some space seriously. Send your daughter to her dads and book yourself into a hotel. Take sick from work and turn your phone off. Then sleep. Please prioritise yourself before you end up really ill xxx

Original poster
MintyCedric · 16/08/2020 12:54

I'm not at work at the moment, back next Friday.

Don't think DDs even noticed that I've walked out.

Didn't even pick up my handbag. I have £80 cash on me, don't know if Travelodge will take that.

Doesn't seem much point as I'll have to come back and start again tomorrow

OP posts:
chilling19 · 16/08/2020 12:57

You sound like you need to put down the mental load for a bit, even if it is for 24 hours. Have you a friend who can help? Even just listening?

Original poster
MintyCedric · 16/08/2020 12:59

They've been listening for months, like you guys.

Can't keep whining and its not as if any of them can do anything

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Original poster
MintyCedric · 16/08/2020 13:00

there's two ways out of this and since it looks like mum is going to live forever than just leaves me

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DPotter · 16/08/2020 13:20

Minty

I don't really know what to say - but I want you to keep talking to us today.

Tomorrow I want you to contact your GP and tell him what you have told us - that your self harming and having suicidal thoughts. And that in my book classes as being unwell. I think you need a proper psychiatric assessment. There's absolutely no shame in that. Some people have a physical illness, others have psychological ones. Both need assessment, treatment and compassion.

If you don't think you can hang on until tomorrow, take yourself off to A&E. Not ideal, but I really don't like the idea of you being alone.

This situation is not your fault. You have done more than your level best to sort things out to everyone's satisfaction, and it's taken it's toll on you. Now you need looking after. Now you need help & support.
You can call the Samaritans on 116 123 to talk to someone who will simply listen. They'll listen to you talking, they'll listen to you crying - no judgement, just being there.

Trust me Minty - there are people who care about you, want you to be safe and happy - some you know really well, like your DD, then there's us on this thread and there are people who you haven't met yet who will also care about you and for you.
Talk to us - we care

Original poster
MintyCedric · 16/08/2020 13:28

Still in car park, best friend coming to sit with me.

She called while I was writing notes, sixth sense maybe.

OP posts:
yoikes · 16/08/2020 13:39

Please please contact your gp.
If anything happened to you do you know what your mum would do?
Cope.
Because she'd have to.
Come and join us on this thread ...
We get it. Honestly.
Cockroach Cafe Mark 2 (general coping with oldies)

RandomMess · 16/08/2020 13:53

Could you stay with your friend for a while and DD with her Dad?

Candleabra · 16/08/2020 14:00

@yoikes

Please please contact your gp. If anything happened to you do you know what your mum would do? Cope. Because she'd have to. Come and join us on this thread ... We get it. Honestly. Cockroach Cafe Mark 2 (general coping with oldies)
Spot on. She'd have to cope. You're not responsible for your mother. Hang on in there minty. Talk to your mate. Let it all out. You can't go on like this. Please please put yourself first for a change.
Knotaknitter · 16/08/2020 14:03

You're not whining, this would be really hard even if your mum was St Theresa. As it is she's making a bad situation worse. It's not all about her and her needs, it's about your dad. It's not fair to be dropping this all on you, as a parent you would try to shield your kids from the worries in your life. Forget your mum, think about your daughter and the cat. Your mum is an adult who should be in charge of her own life but the other members of your family are truely dependant on you.

This is grim, it's gone on for a long time and there seems to be no end in sight but there will be. You will come through this, we will go back to normal (or something we call normal even if it isn't) and you will have time to focus on the important things in your life rather than responding to your mum's every need. There is a future out there, we just have to reach it.

yoikes · 16/08/2020 14:03

It was amazing what my mum actually could do when she had to....

When looking after HER after dad's death put ME in hospital she coped perfectly well when I wasn't at her beck and call.

Amazing, eh?

Candleabra · 16/08/2020 14:05

Also I have found the Samaritans to be hugely helpful. They will listen properly and help to untangle your thoughts.

(We're all desperate to help, but i know that sometimes even people offering solutions seems too much, like it's just another job for the 'to do' list.)

DPotter · 16/08/2020 14:23

You have a good friend there. That's a good thing to celebrate.

I'll be around all day and well into the night - I'm a bit of a night owl - should you want to chat

Original poster
MintyCedric · 16/08/2020 16:17

Thanks all.

Like you guys, my friend is amazing. We've known each other since we were 4yo so she knows my mum as well as I do. She has offered to have strong words - if I want her to.

Home now and phone is unplugged. Bloody useless community nurse called to ask me what was going on re dads care having called mum and got no sense out of her as she was so upset. I'd not long got back with my mate so pretty much gave it to her both barrels and pointed out that since my mum is next of kin, fully compos mentis and holds the purse strings the decision is basically bugger all to do with me. She was as much use as a chocolate teapot, as per.

Have had sweet tea and a diazepam, fired up my essential oil burner and going to switch off mobile and have a nap.

Thanks again, you're all amazing SmileFlowers

OP posts:
Knotaknitter · 16/08/2020 16:46

I hope you have a lovely relaxing evening. Just remember how the intervention of amazing friend has turned this afternoon around, you know now who can through you a lifeline when you need it.

Original poster
MintyCedric · 16/08/2020 17:45

DCat has also made it her business to come and rub noses and 'mmmrrrp' in my face at regular intervals over the last hour before climbing onto my lap and wrapping her paws around my hand Smile

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Original poster
MintyCedric · 16/08/2020 17:46

Friend has said that if I'm still struggling in 10 days and feel unable to return to work given the circumstances she will come to support me at GP (assuming she's allowed to).

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MrsMcTats · 16/08/2020 18:21

@MintyCedric I've been following this thread and am in absolute awe of how you've managed. You've done MUCH more than many people would do. Think of everything you've done; you are a huge credit to your parents. BUT...enough is enough. You will never get thanks from your mum. She's too self-absorbed and seems to think you owe her something - you don't. She chose to have a child and all that entails. It's not a 'I looked after you, so you look after me scenario.'

Helping them is now at the detriment to yourself and that's not OK. You will look back at this time knowing you did all you could, but carrying on to the point of affecting you mentally, just because you feel guilty doesn't help anyone. It's time to step back. Visit each parent when YOU want to. Explain (calmly) to your mum, that you've put your heart and soul into helping, but you are not responsible for them, your mental health has suffered and she needs to take responsibility for her own life. She should also deal with all medical decisions. That burden should not be on your shoulders. Please don't keep giving into your mum. Stand up for your own life and your DD's.

MereDintofPandiculation · 16/08/2020 19:17

Friend has said ... she will come to support me at GP (assuming she's allowed to). GP may well be phone call, so easy to have your friend with you.

You need to look after yourself, not just for your own sake, but for your DD. At the moment you are emotionally damaged, every bit as damaged as if you were in hospital with a physical illness. Think about what you advise your friend, what you would do to support your friend, if she were feeling as you do at the moment. Don't treat yourself any worse than you would her.

MotherofTerriers · 16/08/2020 21:07

Tell your mum that you start back at work 2 or 3 days earlier than you really do, and book yourself into a hotel.
Or invent a "training conference" you have to go to. Where your mobile has to be switched off all day

Thirty2andBlue · 16/08/2020 21:24

Oh Minty Flowers I have no words of wisdom but I'm so glad your friend found you and will support you. I think it's really important you make that GP call and get signed off work. You don't sound well and need time and space to get better, there's no shame in that at all.

Agree with others that your Mum will have to cope by herself, your priorities right now need to be yourself and your DD.

thesandwich · 16/08/2020 21:40

Brilliant advice here from some v wise posters who know what they are talking about.
Look after yourself. Spend time with your dad and dd. Encourage dms family and friends to support her.
And reach out for help🌺🌺🌺

Original poster
MintyCedric · 16/08/2020 21:52

There's no family and only a couple of friend really which is what makes it so tough.

She's messaged me this evening about arrangements tomorrow and saying that she'd spoken to community nurse...'other people can understand how I feel its a shame you can't'.

I have replied with a lengthy email telling her how I feel, that I want to help but after months of doing my best only to be told it's not enough, putting my life almost completely on hold, multiple emergency call outs and neglecting eveything else in my life I am mentally and physically exhausted.

Told her a potted version of today's events and messaged a copy to my friend so she knows ans is prepared for mum to contact her.

Haven't heard from either of them since so maybe they're talking to each other.

Probably going to go bed with another sweet tea and diazepam combo and just try and shut it all out tbh.

The guilt and anxiety that mum hasn't replied is awful.

OP posts:
Rinsefirst · 16/08/2020 22:30

Minty Jeezo, it’s still so rubbish for you.Flowers Sending huge amounts of support and energy down the virtual M6 or M25 or A1 or wherever it will reach you. Rest is good.