Dad dying, how to cope with Mum

[MintyCedric]

I was on here about a year ago after my dad had a bad fall and broke 4 vertebrae.

To cut a long story short, although there was no spinal cord damage and we got him home after 7 weeks, he never really recovered and his health and wellbeing has been on a downward trajectory ever since.

Shortly after lockdown he became largely bedridden (other than going to the bathroom) due to weight loss and lack of strength/balance. Verdict of 2 x GPs and practice nurse is that it's likely he has some kind of late stage gastrointestinal cancer and a prognosis of a couple of months at best.

Over the last week has been struggling to get to the bathroom (he has a commode and portable urinals in his room.but I've had to hold him up to use the latter. Today he made it out to the loo but I had to lift him off it).

Mum seems to be somewhat in denial and is not really managing to make any decisions about equipment and carers, and emotionally is utterly exhausting.

I'm visiting them almost daily, sometimes for several hours or more than once, but feel I'm spending all my time propping mum up. I want to be supportive but I'm also trying to work from home, keep an eye on 15yo DD (who is great but starting to forget what I look like), keep my own home/paperwork under control and look after myself (which is frankly a lost cause).

I feel guilty as hell for both resenting Mums demands on my time and brain space, and also because I'm dealing with the dad aspect on autopilot and have barely cried or even begun to process the situation.

I imagine my mum's emotional demands will only get worse and feel like my life is basically going to be over for the foreseeable future. I'm terrified I'm going to have give up work and my home to care for her and although I love her dearly, we are like chalk and cheese and I just don't think I could cope.

Glad you think your Dad needs to stay.

Be blunt and firm with your Mum

"Yes I know you want him home, but you cannot cope and I can no longer help as much as I did so he HAS to stay"

Please do not buckle, tell she is being unfair to take him out again.

This is your "hill to die on" regarding your Dad's future.

Completely agree that your Dad needs to stay. Think you need to pull in re-inforcements - how sensible is the friends your Mum meet with last week? Would she back you up ? The GP needs to have the 'We keep him comfortable, but it will be downhill from here on".

As others have said make like a record on repeat -

"Yes I know you want him home, but you cannot cope and I can no longer help as much as I did so he HAS to stay".

@MintyCedricMInty I've messaged you but now seen this update. I think you need to make your thoughts known to the nursing staff, also does your dad have a SW? Perhaps you can say to your mum that he needs to stay but if he gets better then he can come home. Then she will not think you are "giving up" on him.

It needs to be spelled out to her how difficult it would be to have him back at home. I would phone the nurses prior to the meeting and hatch a plan with them.You do not need to apologise for DM's behaviour but you can explain how to get her onside.

Good luck, hopefully your mum won't discuss coming home with your DF tomorrow?

Thanks flygirl

We were told at least a couple of months ago that GP was going to sort out a social worker but it's never happened.

Community nurse who was great for the first few weeks seems to have washed her hands of us. Apparently she was off sick for a while but has been back about 6 weeks, arranged to come out to dad at least 3x and every one has been cancelled/substituted for a phone call.

Nurse I spoke to today said we/I should be getting more support.

Tbh whilst I think mums crazy for expecting any change/treatment now, having the at the frailty score sheet, I am inclined to think that if he'd had more support and input after the fall he might not have deteriorate so much or so quickly.

Put it to Mum that once he can transfer with only one person assisting, then he can come home.
Remind her of all the times she had trouble managing on her own.
Ask her to look at her own stress levels now she is no longer primary Carer.
I think she is not ready to face life without him, hence her pushing for people to make him better, she can not process the alternative.

Put it to Mum that once he can transfer with only one person assisting, then he can come home.

Well, quite. It currently takes 2 carers and a hoist 5-10 minutes to transfer him to a chair.

So we both know he is never going to transfer with one again, it may take some time for her to realise that.
Hopefully by then, she would have established a new normal with him staying in the home.

I'm not sure he'll never do it again. He did really enjoy being in the garden and I think if he was having a good day and got a bit of gentle encouragement (although would probably rely on me being there) he might occasionally have a go.

We visited yesterday a day he was on okay form and is content enough to stay put.

I think mum has realised it would be for the best but of course is now utterly distraught at the thought of being on her own indefinitely.

Before we went to see dad we had an enormous row. She'd taken exception to something I'd said on the phone yesterday morning and was barely speaking to me. When I pushed it escalated into me completely losing my shit and breaking down, which of course set her off.

It had all blown over by the time I left her after visiting dad, but she was upset and in tears all evening about the implications of dad going in permanently.

I'm not supposed to be going round there today but how I can stay here knowing she is falling apart?

There's no support at all, no groups, no way of her meeting people and making new friends. It's been hard enough it just being me from a practical point of view, but thanks to Covid there is literally no-one else.

I wish there was way I could just shut off the sadness and resentment and accept the situation and get on with it.

I'm doing my best to take the advice I'm given on here, but honestly wouldn't you all feel like the biggest piece of shit just leaving her to get on with it, given there is no one else to support her?

I just do not know how to cope with any of this anymore. I have to find a way to accept that my life is over, possibly for years, until both she and dad pass away.

Other people find themselves in this situation and manage it don't they?

Your Mum is a fully functioning adult just as much as you are.

You seem to think you are responsible for her.

If it were a healthy dynamic you would be emotionally supporting each other. Sadly your Mum is incapable of being anything other than utterly selfish and an emotional vampire.

You are at home falling apart, needing time and space - yet your Mum doesn't care about that only herself.

Have you read up on FOG - fear obligation guilt? You need to.

Your Mum will be ok if you have a day to yourself. She has a phone, she call people, she can call Samaritans.

Your life is only over if you let your Mum vampire you. Put those firm boundaries in place, put your own oxygen mask on. You could spend all day every with your Mum, she would still complaining and you would still feel guilt.

Do you expect your DD to sacrifice her life in the future for you?

No, of course not.

I've already made the decision that assuming I get to 70 fit and well I'll move somewhere warden assisted with a built in social network, and will keep enough money set aside so that if I become terminally ill or frail I can get a one way ticket to Switzerland (almost wish I could do that now tbh).

That's clearly what mum expects though, and that I should prioritise her over DD (that was the point at which I lost it and screamed at her).

It would just be so much easier if it wasn't for fucking Covid having shut anything down.

And the above is just an example of increasingly awful mood swings I'm having now. I get it out of my system and have a few hours of being positive, then think about the longer term picture and go yo pieces again.

I spent at least half an hour yesterday wondering what it would take to be referred for residential mental health treatment so I could actually get a break. Therapist already knows about the (low level) self harm and suicidal thoughts but y'know...as long as I have my 40 minutes on the phone once a week...

I'll get over myself at some point. I think its the fact I haven't had a decent chunk of time/space to myself for weeks that's funking with my head. I can't even write at the moment as I just don't have the energy or brain capacity.

Repeat to your Mum that your DD will always come first and she can tantrum as much as she wants but you will not be sacrificing your own life to do as she wants.

I would actually tell her to sell up and move into sheltered accommodation if she is too lonely where she is.

Repeat, repeat, repeat. Bat back the responsibility for her happiness back to her EVERY time!

"Mum you have many choices, one of them isn't me running around after you."

Oh minty you poor thing. I'm so sorry for everything you're going through. I wish I had a magic wand but keep talking to us.

Just remember that life isn't black and white, it is all shades of grey. You don't have to make a choice between being a full time carer and cutting off your mother. There's a way in between which you will find. But you need help and support. Practical (from others which you've started) and emotional (how did that therapy session go by the way?)

You might not realise it but you've come a long way in a few weeks. Nursing care for your dad is a huge step, but it won't be a smooth path.

It will feel like three steps forward and two steps back, but things are going in the right direction. Look after yourself and take time for you - you will be so used to putting your needs last - do something nice today, even a little walk.

^^This. Dad died 18 years ago and mum shut the door on the world. She has me, it's all she wants, I am her life. It is absolutely suffocating. Don't be me.

You are not responsible for your mum's happiness. It's not your job to smooth the path beneath her feet, rescue her from the situation she's in. She's not doing that for you is she? You are putting her welbeing ahead of your own - does she do that for you? You cannot fix this because to do that would need your dad to be magically restored to his former health.

Go for coffee and then go home. You can't make everything better for her, she has to overcome her own fears in the same way that you have had to face up to yours. She's going to be distraught and in tears whether you are there or not, you can't magically make things right in her world.

Yeah, the magic wand analogy had come out several times over the last few days.

It took me a long time to write little and the thread moved on. I have promised my son that I won't build my life around him as I let my mother do to me. I have said that when I get to a suitable age I'll find some naice sheltered accommodation and make my own provision for my final years. I'm his mum and I want him to have his own life whereas mum thinks my life is an extension of hers.

This is not the rest of your life Minty. It will get better. At some point your mum will stop denying that this is happening and pining after the fantasy where everything returns to normal. Once she stops fighting reality that will be the start of an easier phase.

Maybe you should shout more often?

I've been wondering about getting signed off at the end of the 'holidays' (ha bloody ha) and not telling her so I can have some time 'home alone'.

But it's the busiest time of the school year and I'd feel guilty, and probably be judged by colleagues/management. It's not as if I'm ill, just at the end of my tether.

@Knotaknitter is 100% correct. Please don't feel bad, you have absolutely nothing to feel guilty for, you are already going above and beyond. Everyone has a breaking point and I think you have hit yours. Do you have any siblings, I can't remember?

By all means pop in for a coffee/lunch initially then she cannot say you are leaving her alone. However, if (sorry when) she complains, you just need to be firm, remind her you are a single parent and yes your DD does come first. These teenage years are tricky and as level headed as she sounds, she does need you.

She must have some friends, relatives who she can lean on as well? This is very early days and she will get used to living alone, she has to. If she will not consider McCarthy & Stone then more fool her. It would be perfect plus that new block have some good offers at the moment. Definitiely worth another look.

No siblings, no family local enough to help, although dad's brother and family are visiting on Tuesday.

I thought I might get a whole day to myself but naturally DD has changed arrangements with her dad - again. I don't want to really moan as I've hardly seen her this past week as she's had her boyfriend staying at her dad's for a visit.

Mum has got her eye on a supported living place although again I'm sure the cost will put her off.

The best way to encourage your Mum to take it is by refusing to see her everyday etc, plus repeatedly tell her that she can afford it and it is simply her choice not to move and she has to help herself because she is as much an adult as you are and you still have DD to look after.

Think of her as a toddler having a tantrum, if I make minty feel guilty she'll come and see me tomorrow.
She's has friends, she can go for a walk, she can read, she's been incredibly stressed (as have you) recently. And it's up to her to gain some calm.

You need to set the standard that is good for you, Sunday lunch and once during the week etc. Whatever it is, start it now, because as soon as you do more that'll be what she expects.

She has complained for months that your Dad interrupted her time doing x y z!!!

She can't have it all ways. She loves complaining, it's always all about her, she wants everyone running around after her - her concern wasn't about how your Dad was but how it affected her...

Your mum is deeply flawed/damaged. Reading up about FOG will help you have boundaries in dealing with her.

It's good that she's at least looking at supported living. That means that she has real choices, whenever she complains about things that would be better by a move you can remind her that she has a choice and could, you know, move. I have a relative who complains bitterly about the garden, the shed, the ceilings, the bathroom and I don't listen to it any more. The answer is that she chooses to live there and if she doesn't like it she could move. If she doesn't want to move well that's her choice but then she can quit complaining about the steepness of the stairs.

You wouldn't get any time home alone, you know you wouldn't. You'd be sucked in to whatever drama is playing that week and even if by some miracle you didn't, you'd be guilty which would spoil the time off.

The family who are not local enough to help can pick the phone up and talk to her. That would be a help. Support doesn't have to be in person to be support. Her BIL should have some views on what's the best option for his brother, it's another voice that might help to get her on the same page as everyone else.

This will pass, this is not the rest of your life.

What life? I've given up.

Called her this morning, more tears, more guilt, she's followed up with a message on FB which I haven't read.

I just can't do this any more.

In downs/garden car park.

I need to be on my own but everywhere I go I'm surrounded by bloody people. Drove for nearly an hour before ending up here thinking it would be quiet as its passing down.

If all else fails was going to walk to a spot that's special to me from years ago but there's dozens of people heading in the same bloody direction.