How to help my MIL/ persuade MIL to accept £2000

[Desiringonlychild]

DH and I wish to help out his mum. She is in her late 50s and she worked as a freelance translator for years.She never earned very much (less than 18K and she lives in London), but always had a lot of work which enabled her to raise 4 kids on her own and pay the mortgage. Unfortunately due to covid, her work has completely dried up and we are worried that she might not be eating enough/not have money to pay bills. We used to live with her but we have since moved out after buying our 2 bed flat (we are 2 miles away from her house so we can still do shopping for her if need be). She still has a tiny mortgage , and still has a daughter living at home to support and another daughter doing her masters degree who she probably still sends money to. DH knows his mother is very proud and doesn't want to accept help. So I came up with a plan to enable her to accept the money - request her to 'safekeep' £2000 of our savings i.e. if she needs to dip into it, she should do so, and if DH and I need the money for emergencies, we can also draw from it; after the crisis is over, she can return us the remaining cash if she wants to. I come from an East Asian background and this is usually how it works with parents- child gives parent anything from several hundred dollars to 10-15% of after tax income, parent uses it on a needs based basis but is expected to be a good steward of the money i.e. not splurging it on designer handbags and cruises. Generally, the money is returned to the child after the parent passes on and is a good long terms savings plan in a way. Of course this is a one off and I thought that this was far less insulting than giving my MIL wads of cash. i evidently thought wrong because she rejected my offer. How to persuade her to accept money for her bills?! Thanks.

Also she is self employed so can't get the government until mid may and she seems sceptical if she can qualify.

You wire the money and then you say nothing

Or you buy her groceries every week during lock down

You accept her refusal, tell her that if she needs the money you would be sad if she did not ask you for it but you respect her decision and butt out. Late 50s is not elderly, by the way.

@cultkid we don't have the wire details. And she would send it back even if we did. Once we bought plane tickets for her and 2 of her daughters (cost thousands cos it was at peak season). She repaid it even though we kept telling her not to. It was probably a lot of her savings. We try to buy her groceries. my husband calls her a lot and keeps asking her what she needs. sometimes she would say some small things like garlic, ginger etc.

@Purplewithred is there a section for non elderly parents?

Are you close enough you could just buy food & drop it off?

@MadisonMontgomery yes. my husband buys bits for her. But she does have a pantry so while she is probably eating less it would probably be an exaggeration to say she would be in actual food poverty. more worried about stuff like council tax (she is band d as she lives in a house) and bills.

@MadisonMontgomery also she keeps kosher. Having lived with her for 3 years and being a convert to judaism, i am quite good at deciphering what is kosher and what isn't (like most Jews, she doesn't buy exclusively from a kosher supermarket despite there being many in our area, as they are 2-5 X of what tesco charges). But I am not 100%. So shopping for her is not super easy either, if we do it, we try to buy her fresh food and some staples/old favourites.

Ah okay, wasn’t sure if it would be an idea.

Nothing to add but you're a lovely daughter in law. My mum has moved in with us during this time and she actually suggested she paid us keep! This coming from the woman who takes us for lunch and has the children for us once a week and for sleepovers quite frequently! I took the money and transferred it back in to her bank (which she hardly checks so won't notice for a few weeks).

@rhowton thank you. Its a bit bewildering for me and i think mumsnet would provide me with a more british perspective. I grew up in a country where there is no social safety net for the elderly and therefore for many people in their 60s, their children are an important source of income. apparently according to stats, 80% of people in singapore give their parents a monthly allowance so I cannot understand why my MIL doesn't want to accept an one off payment? I would appreciate it if the government would help her too (rather them than me), so if anyone has any insights on the self employed scheme, that would be welcome too.

I think the dipping in and out thing was never going to work unfortunately but it's lovely that you've offered.

Your DH should make it clear to her that you are there and willing to help her financially if she needs it and perhaps give examples eg "Mum, if it's a bit tricky to meet the council tax bill or similar this month/this quarter, we're happy to help." And keep offering regularly so she knows it's not just you making polite noises.

When you lived with her, did she accept money? Can you ask her to please let you help her out as she helped you so much when you lived with her?

Or perhaps offer to help with some of the costs she has to support your SIL? Depending on how old SIL is, I would imagine there could be any number from requiring high quality broadband to new clothes as we go into summer. Online resources for studying? A takeaway once a week to keep everyone happy. Etc.

Also, if you think she's scrimping, now is the time to buy those treats that people who are watching their pennies don't buy but which, in better times, they might buy fairly often - high quality chocolate, their favourite roast, fresh flowers etc. It might be that you can simply help by enhancing quality of life.

Parents generally help their children or via their grandchildren

I wouldn’t accept money from my children either.

The offer sounded complicated and not worth a fall out if she mis interpreted your intentions

Can you offer to pay the council tax bill or similar? Offer to support the daughters so she feels less strain there?

@BlingLoving when we were living with her, we did try to give her money (she rejected) and we did pay for food/going out (but quite sporadically). The thing is at that time, even though she wasn't earning much, she was getting work and as a single mum of 4, she is very good at budgeting. So she didn't need more money. But now DH gets the impression she is getting zero work. That can't go on.

I think your husband needs to speak to her and be honest and frank with her - no pretend schemes to give her money just give it to her. If I were him, I'd say look you took care of us for years, there is nothing wrong with us helping a bit in what is an extrordinary situation - when it goes back to normal we can go back to normal too. I'd be really honest about how worried he is and how much it is affecting his peace of mind - try to guilt her into taking something.

But in the end of the day she is an adult - you can't force her to accept money.

If you know who her bills are with you can phone and pay without telling her. But really you shouldn't force the help on her - she seems very independent and savvy having raised 4 children on a freelance job in London with a mortgage she probably won't need it as much as you think.

@shittingmysel does this work with council tax? We are under the same council, can i just call them up and say i want to settle it for her address?

My husband's mum is very similar. We've lent her money a couple of times (a couple of thousand each time) and would happily have given it to her but there's absolutely no chance of her ever accepting it. She's is fiercely independent and always determined to pay it back as soon as possible, even though it's money we WANT to give her. We have had to settle for offering to help in situations that we think it would be helpful, and making it clear that we'd be really upset to learn that she'd not asked us for help if she needed it. We also make a big effort to spoil her with thoughtful but inexpensive gifts on birthdays, Christmas and Mothers Day so she knows how much she's appreciated but doesn't feel obligated to respond with similar priced gifts. It's a very tricky balance to get right but I think we're not doing too badly!

I should also say, taking this approach has meant that she has come to us to ask for help when needed, so I am assured that she won't struggle without letting us know which is really the main issue for us (and I think you, from your message!)

I would take it as an offence if my child or their partner would decide on their own I need their financial help. Like, I would be VERY OFFENDED. Asking straight and respecting the answer is ok.

@Betterversionofme i am not sure if I am deciding for her. She confided to DH she is not getting any work. We are close (after all we lived together for years). We all know that she relies on her work a lot (when DH and his siblings were growing up, she got financial help from her parents, but her father is ailing and i dont think he has the energy to wire her money even if he does have money). I dont think its wrong that DH starts helping his mum.

It's not confiding. It's telling your child a normal thing about your life. Confiding is telling something normally kept secret, something confidential. Not number of working hours.
I mean you are deciding she needs and/or wants your financial help. It is very, very rude imo. Your MIL is an adult. Thinking you know better than her is disrespectful. Considering paying bills behind someone's back, like some people suggested, even more disrespectful.

@Betterversionofme I wasn't advocating secretly transferring money into her bank account either? You have to forgive if my way of treating elders/parents is different from brits- its cultural difference. I was taught from a young age that asking if your parents want a cup of tea is not good enough; to be a worthy human being, you have to pour them tea without them asking. Same goes for money/shelter. Its Confucian. There is also a Chinese saying (if you love a house, you love the crows on top of it). So therefore, love of DH also extends to his whole family; if I don't treat his mother as my own, that means I don't love DH. Thats why I have been so worried; i feel like a terrible human being if my MIL is struggling and I didn't help- ignorance is not an excuse, if I was a good DIL, I would know to anticipate her needs. In my country, people pay thousands for their parents' medical bills e.g. my grandma requires 24/7 care, my dad paid for a full time maid to look after her at home (not like anyone asked him to). Anyway my MIL told my DH she would tell him if she needs help.

I think much of this is a case of cultural differences.
We are expected to, and do, give money to DHs parents.
Mine would be devastated to hear we thought they couldn't cope, and do their best to spend money on us. We need to think about not only what we think each set of parents need, but how the offer would be received. You have tried with your MiL. Put the money to one side, and if the opportunity arises, spend it on her or your sisters in law, but you cannot force her to accept anything.