How's everyone getting on?

[MereDintofPandiculation]

The cafe is quiet quiet at the moment, and the conversations there are quiet serious, so I thought I'd better start a new thread.

How is everyone coping? Are people bumping along as well as can be expected, or is it all quite horrific?

My Dad is still in knockdown in his so far coronavirus free nursing home. But it's having a bad effect mentally, like any change - he's cheerful in himself, but immersed in a WWII fantasy world of secrecy and "Need to know". Long conversation last night about needing DS to ring him because he has access to information that Dad needs for what he would only refer to as "the second confidential paper". He punctuates his conversation with "Do You Understand What I AM Saying?" Well, no, Dad, I'm completely mystified, but I can't say that else you'll simply repeat the whole thing, with added fantasies.

Overall, I'm bumping along OK. House, garden, supermarket delivery slot. What more could anyone want?

I have been shopping for three households and it has been surprisingly stressful. One of us has not grasped that things have changed, milk doesn't come in pint cartons and I'm not visiting multiple shops just to get the brands that she particularly likes. She started on a long involved discussion of which shampoo and conditioner she uses but the reality is that she'll be getting whatever it is that Aldi have because that's where I'll be shopping. I try to split the trolley into three and get it onto the conveyor belt in three so the cashier can subtotal it for each of us.

The thought that I might have to do this for a year fills me with horror, it's not as simple as them giving me a list and me buying it, I have to think about what it is they might be running low on and suggest what they might be needing. I'm only shopping once a week so can do without surprise butter shortages midweek. My mother's forgetfulness has really paid off because she has been buying things over and over again so her cupboards and freezer were full before all this started.

It's also meant that I am the sole doer of all things for both of them, the other people who used to support them are staying at home. It would be nice if they could pick the phone up and call their elderly relative but it seems to be out of sight and out of mind. None of them have checked how granny is getting food - if we get through this without me cutting that side of the family from my life I'll be very much suprised.

and breath. In real life I say I'm fine, I have no-one to offload this to and I can feel myself getting more bitter with every week that passes.

Thank you for asking.

Lovely to see you dint and knot
dint it must be hard seeing the impact on your dad. Lockdown in nursing homes is tough. Hope it stays virus free. I agree- having a garden is a real delight in these times.
knot I understand the shopping anguish- currently doing ours and dms once a week like a military manoeuvre. Spending far more as I’m limiting where I go- can’t face Aldi and prefer the small local coop.
And the oldies have no idea on the new reality.
The particular brand thing...... and knowing how food matters to them too.
The support from others..... yes the others seem oblivious to how life has changed for the oldies and what those of us supporting are having to do.
But otherwise, I am enjoying the garden so much. And having dd home is lovely despite her uni challenges. Small pleasures.

Knot You've reminded me how ridiculously irksome I used to find shopping for Dad. "I've enough for three weeks - at least till Easter" followed 2-3 days later with "I've completely run out of food". Insistence on Savers varieties which aren't generally available on-line (probably because they're mainly bought by elderlies and it's difficult to make up the minimum order of £40 with, eg, custard at 20p.) So I had to go out specially for his shopping. And I had to keep a spreadsheet of what I'd bought when, so I had an independent assessment of his stock levels. Doing it for three people would have killed me.

From the other side, surviving this lockdown has been made easier by continuing to be able to get the ingredients I need for our preferred diet (shopping list for last week began ... tahini, cumin, cinnamon, root ginger in syrup ... not really most people's idea of "essentials") so relying on someone else, or on standard boxes of "basics" is not something I look forward to. Fortunately I've been lucky with delivery slots - whether it's that my DH is now on the govt database, or because I've obeyed Morrisons instructions and put in the delivery notes that the household is shielding, I don't know, but there seems to be greater availability than there was (and than other people are reporting), and the cats are now reassured that there are enough boxes of catfood in the house.

sandwich Interesting ... round our way, Morrisons is a bear-pit with little control over social distancing, ALDI has got it well sorted, and people are shifting over there who wouldn't have dreamt of sopping there normally. (On the other hand, Morrisons has been innovative in its "basics" boxes and its phone ordering from a list of basics in a way that other supermarkets haven't.)

But little shops are coming up trumps - eg the Jet garage which is deliberately sourcing things in short supply, the market traders from the farmers market who are now doing home delivery, and the local bakers compensating for lower shop sales by delivering "bread boxes" and "baking boxes" (yeast, flour, and ingredients for a range of cakes).

I'm in delivery range of three local wholesalers who usually serve schools and restaurants. They've all moved to domestic home delivery. I had a catering tin of tomatoes this week which was outside my normal experience but times are hard and you take what you can get. I think unless you've been out and seen for yourself how things have changed there's no way you can get your head around it. My mother would not recognise the queue outside Aldi as a queue because she's not seen social distancing in operation. My MIL can't accept that milk in pints doesn't exist or see why I shouldn't visit three different shops so she can have the particular things that she likes. The world has changed but they are shut away from it and can't see it.

My stress comes from my need to shop as infrequently as possible which would need them to plan what they are going to eat and look to see what they have in. I don't think that either of them have the skills to do that any more, that's just how it is. If you looked in my cupboards you would think I'm a hoarder but I have spares of so many things, just in case one of them has a sudden shortage of jam/sugar/tea bags mid week. "It's no trouble, I'll just pop up to the corner shop dear" NOOOO

Hello can I join as a newbie?
My dad is 82 (w Alzheimer's, heart issues) & my mum is 78 (type2, arthritis). They live in semi sheltered housing 15 min away.
I'm working pt from home & have a teenager homeschooling. I'm holding it together just about, trying to get them click and collects or deliveries from Tesco I've scored one or the other each week so far (new hobby)

I totally empathise with the lack of understanding of not having the exact same bread or the exact type of milk bottle, it's hard for them to grasp it

It is astonishing how sourcing food has become such a major activity and time consumer.
Plus the added stress of the shopping process itself.
DM cannot understand why I can’t get cream scones for her... fortunately I’ve been checking her shelves for sometime now and stockpiling as much as she can accept with back up supplies in our garage.....
I’m an epic failure at baking and love cake so managed to get a homemade cake from a local farm shop this week.... didn’t last long! It was very much savoured!

I had a catering tin of tomatoes this week Wow! That's the sort of thing you need to keep quite about - round here people will kill to get hold of a single tin

That's a good point you make about not knowing what it's like out there - I vaguely know, because I've seen pictures on facebook, but I don't know, for example, how crowded the High Street is.

morelikeaclubsandwich Of course, welcome!

It is astonishing how sourcing food has become such a major activity - yes - it even extends to user names. How many sandwiches to we have now? But yes, I'm even finding a sort of pride in my skills as hunter/gatherer for the family. meals have been good and varied (and I'm trying even harder on the variety because DH is struggling mentally).

I don't think I would cope if I was still shopping for my father. It would be easier if I weren't shopping for the cats - they do not understand that occasionally they may need a meal which isn't their favourite food of the moment.

I think we are up to 3 sandwiches??
I know what you mean about the effort to get variety and choice into meals... just done dms lunch and checked cupboards.... she requested corned beef... will try. Had to Chuck so much uneaten food past it’s date.
It definitely is becoming more a skill!!! And challenge!

Is it ok for another newbie?

I’m currently furloughed, although probably going to be sacked soon. My 80 yr old dad lives next door and is doing great isolating. My 79 yr old mother is about a mile away and had COPD, a pacemaker, is in remission for cancer and has something called Chorea, which gives her tremors. She was managing really well, but has gone down hill in the last ten days. It looked as though her chorea meds weren’t working. The gp upped her levels and she seemed to get better, but today is shaky again. She gets very down about it, and it doesn’t help not being able to go in her house.

I can emphasise with you all about having to shop more often because they don’t understand how it is out there and haven’t made lists! Also the having a store cupboard to top them up!

My mil is in a care home that seems to be fine, with dementia.

honey That must be difficult, three people to worry about. I find it hard enough with just one.

If you're at home and isolating, you could make your own decision as to whether to go into you Mum's house - it would be within the rules, as looking after a vulnerable person. But you'd have to worry about the risk of shopping, and whether you could pick it up there and pass it on to her.

Hi all. I was here last year after my dad broke his back. Have been largely cracking on but lockdown has coincided with his health going rapidly downhill.

GP suspects some kind of gastrointestinal cancer but he's too frail for tests so we're making it up as we go along.

Really struggling to cope with the situation alongside working from home. House is a tip and not getting enough time with DD. Every time I try to wrangle a 'day off' there's another crisis and dealing with mum's emotional state is going to break me sooner or later.

As I said on the thread I started last week, I just feel permanently depressed, resentful, selfish and guilty and as though I may as well give up even attempting to do anything for myself.

On the upside at least I'm not having to actually be physically at work whilst dealing with it all,and I'm incredibly fortunate that I'm still on full pay...every cloud I guess.

Hi honey and minty. Sounds like you are both going through the mangle. 🌺🌺
I have taken the decision to visit dm as I do meals etc, shopping etc and apart from weekly shop no one at home is going anywhere.
She has carers who pose a bigger risk to her, and not seeing me would really damage her mental health.
But minty please don’t give up on doing stuff for you- it’s essential self maintenance. Top priority to be any use to anyone.

Thanks sandwich I have actually managed a full day at home for the first time in over a week (touch wood) and feel so much better for it.

Honey I can't imagine how you're coping with 3 elderlies in different places to worry about, and am inclined to agree with Mere about visiting. I work at a secondary school but am in the office so have been able to work from home. I isolated for just short of the 14 days after finishing and have been avoiding going out other than to The Olds as far as poss. 1 visit each to post office and Pharmacy and 2 click and collects in 6 weeks.

The issue of having carers in is a bit of a concern on the virus front, but we just can't cope without now.

I am still seeing my mother, before this started I was there six days a week and now it's every other day. She's started losing the plot with her medication, swallowing the one that should be inhaled, forgetting to take tablets, forgetting to order tablets.

It's all about managing risk. I shop once every ten days and that is the only time I come into contact with other people. I'm happy to live under a rock if that's what it needs to keep her safe. I think her risk from me is less than the risk from herself if I were to leave her. A day is enough for her to live with whatever it is that's gone wrong this time - the washer, the microwave, the central heating - but if it were longer than that then she'd be getting someone in to fix them.

I saw my mum yesterday (at a distance) when I dropped her shopping off, she's aged massively in a week and is much more forgetful. She's lived here for years but twice she's said she's got lost when she's gone out for her daily walk.

Hello - I've been missing in action from Cockroach for a while. Things are a bit mixed here. Loving being at home with my husband and girls and spending more quality time with my mum since lockdown started. But I am noticing that she is getting less and less "with it".

She is very anxious about the carers coming - so much so I sometimes wonder if they are that much help. When I was getting her up in the morning she couldn't dress herself, wasn't washing, etc and could not get from her bedroom to the armchair. There was no chance of her getting out of bed without her breakfast in bed etc. And she was quite incapable of making her own bed - pulling the duvet into place - the sheets are clipped ont he bed.

Now she gets up and dressed all by herself, makes her bed and walks to the armchair before the carer comes and complains that she has to get up early to be ready for them coming (there is a key safe so they can let themselves in) . She wanted them to come late in the morning so now she gets up at 8.30 and waits until the carer comes around 10 to do her breakfast!

She won't tolerate them coming in while she is in bed.

She forgets their names and then gets anxious about who is coming when and what if it's someone she doesn't know?

Throughout the day she calls me every time she needs to go to the loo so I can push the wheelchair for her. I spend an hour or so with her at lunchtime and again in the afternoon and a couple of hours at night.

In the evenings I have to stay with her until the carer comes. I sort out her bedroom before the carer comes - turn the bedside lights on, turn on the fire, and turn on the tv. When I go home I tell her what channel I have turned on and what she is watching. Most nights she phones to say that tv has gone off and she can't find the box to turn it on again or to ask me what she is watching.

But it is a small price to pay for the chance to sit around the table with the family to eat breakfast and to be able to join my husband on the sofa to watch tv in the evening.

Good to see you hairbrush!
Isn’t it amazing what your dm can do when you are not there? Hold your nerve. It might not be what she wants- ie you there all the time, but it gives you more time for you. Hold your nerve. As you say- quality time.
The more she can safely do herself the better for her.

Thanks for the replies everyone. It’s only really my mum that I’m worried about. We live on a small holding with my dad next door, so see him pottering about. He’s bored but fine. My MIL is in the most wonderful care home. She’s very well looked after and happy, and touch wood they’ve had no Covid. Obviously we haven’t visited for weeks, but she doesn’t know who we are anyway now. We just ring weekly. I have been doing my mum’s shopping for her, wiping everything down with anti bac wipes. I’ve put one of her garden chairs across her courtyard and sometimes sit there for 15 mins for a chat. Sometimes I walk the dogs past her house and do the same. But she’s so down at the minute and really wants a hug. It’s tough. She’d be much better living in sheltered housing where there are other people around to chat over the fence to, but she won’t hear of it.

It’s hard @IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere. My MIL was like that before she went into the home. We had to be quite tough and tell her we couldn’t come round all the time. My own mum does it too lately when she’s not feeling good.

Minty your comment Every time I try to wrangle a 'day off' there's another crisis really rang a bell. While Dad was at home, that was the real killer, that you couldn't even sit down with you DH to relax in front of tv without being on edge for the phone ringing. Now he's in a nursing home, I at least know if I really want to relax for a couple of hours, I can ignore the phone because whatever happens, he is still safe.

Knot I had to take over the ordering of my father's tablets, and I'd do an audit of his stock and compare with what it should be to see whetehr he was taking them or not. But ultimately I couldn't manage to get him to take them regularly, and it was basically that that put him in the nursing home.

Betty changes seem to result in very rapid increase in confusion. My Dad was in a complete fantasy world as a result of them changing the carpets in the care home, took a while for him to return to coherence. Covid is really messing him up, he's in a WWII time warp.

Mere it's a bit trying to say the least!

One day was planning not to go round but could t get through on the phone in the morning to check if all was ok.

Another day 'off' I realised we had a shared shopping delivery coming.

Last Thursday evening, just sat down with a glass of wine and about to do some writing. Thought I'd best call and check in first and whilst on the phone to mum there was a thud in the background.Dad had tried to get out to the loo, fallen over and gashed all the way up his arm...so off I went in first aider mode.

It sounds awful but I'm kind of hoping the inevitable happens before I have to go back to work f/t as I can't imagine how we'll cope otherwise.

It's dreadful, isn't it? You feel you should be feeling love and concern, but all you feel is fury that your desperately needed time off is going to be filled with mopping up blood. Best part of Dad going into a nursing home is we can talk about something other than food, medicines, oedema.

Minty “ It sounds awful but I'm kind of hoping the inevitable happens before I have to go back to work f/t as I can't imagine how we'll cope otherwise.”

That doesn’t sound awful at all.

My guilty admission - one of the grannies was in hospital recently and I felt as if I was on holiday. I didn't have to check whether she was eating properly, taking her tablets or leaving the fall alarm on the shelf because she was someone else's responsibility. I didn't have to spend nearly three hours a day trekking across town to do hospital visiting, bringing home laundry and making multiple trips to her house for those essential items like a tail comb because there was no visiting. It's the first time I've not felt worried and/or guilty for probably six months.

Knot completely understandable

Does she have a carer?