Talk me through what I need to do - dad died, mum going into care

[CMOTDibbler]

After stubbornly clinging onto life by the fingernails for years, my dad died last night/this morning. He was found by the district nurse this morning - mum (who has severe dementia) hadn't realised.

So, mum needs to go into care today which the emergency social worker is organising. But she'll need to move nearer me. And I need to invoke my power of attorney over all the finances to pay for her care etc etc, then sell dads car, the house, so on.
Dad will be going to the coroner, so I can't do the funeral stuff yet, but have spoken to the funeral directors that he wanted to use, and obv there are restrictions at the moment - he wanted a small funeral anyway.

What do I need to do? And how do I do it under lockdown?

So sorry for your loss

I can't offer any practical advice and the current circumstances certainly complicate matters with things like registering the death (get a good number of copies of the death certificate as we needed lots to sort out finances etc).

Thank you SoupDragon, the death certificate copies tip is a good one

I'm so sorry.

I have no specific advice, but I imagine you will be guided by all the bodies that are involved (all of which will know how the new measures impact their job).

Look after yourself.

Sorry for your loss 💐

I’d imagine the funeral director should lead to in what to do in the current circumstances

I’m sure I read funerals are still going ahead but only small gatherings in the church
And obviously no event after for family

There’s no good time for a death, but at the moment it seems even more of a stress as nobody knows what they can can’t do in some situations
So sorry x

How sad for you, OP.
Regarding your dad, were the police called or has the GP issues a death registration? The coroner will phone you probably tomorrow to let you know what's happening and what to do next, so don't panic about that. Regarding your mum, as she needs emergency care, she may well get placed anywhere in her borough in the short term, especially at the moment, until a long term home can be found for her. You wouldn't be able to visit her at the moment anyway wherever she is I'm afraid.
Don't worry too much about payment for her care. Initially she will need a financial assessment. Then once all the financial aspects linked to your dad have been completed, there may well be enough money to start paying for her care until the house is sold.
Did your dad have a will, and are you the executor? Thatbwill make things easier if so. Do you have PoA both financially and health for your mum? Again, that will make things easier.
The funeral director won't be able to do anything until your dads body is released by the coroner. Try to take things slowly and look after yourself too!

When you register the death there is a ‘tell us once’ form to complete. They will then inform The Local Authority, so every thing like, bus pass, library, benefit office, community charge , carers, will be informed without you doing any more.

Next you need to contact the utility companies, Gas, Water, electricity and any insurance companies. Ask for their probate department, my experience is that they are really helpful and sympathetic. They will freeze all bills and ask you to take a meter reading. Turn of gas and electricity.The bills will not need to be paid until probate is granted. You will need to send death certificates to the insurance companies. For buildings and contents insurance they may reduce the cost, not all do. However you will have to check on the property regularly. Ask the, what their t&c are in these circumstances.

It is very easy to do probate yourself or you can Contact a few probate solicitors as their fees vary. We had an excellent lady who took us through everything for my mum as there was a trust involved. We did it ourselves for my Stepfather as his was straightforward. The probate office were amazingly helpful and they have a good website. You will need to complete a statement of assets for the Inland Revenue.

Get two local estate agents to do a probate valuation. In the present climate they may not visit the property, just give you a ball park figure. This needs to be in writing and all Estate Agents do this free of charge as part of their service.

The Will will have to be certificated and local solicitors charge about £10 for this. Lots of solicitors offer limited free advice. Not sure if this is still available as we had to queue in an office as they did it only as walk-ins.

Feel free to pm me if you need to know anything. I am not a professional so I can only point you in the right direction. For proper advice. I have dealt with three deaths recently, so I send my sympathy to you.

As for your mum, mine went into care in similar circumstances. She got 6 weeks free emergency care. After that I had to complete a statement of assets form. They will not come to you for money until after probate.

Usually you can move your mum if you mum if you do not like the home. That may not apply currently. AGEUK are really helpful on the phone, net and leaflets. They will have the most current information.

Ask for their probate department, my experience is that they are really helpful and sympathetic.

I agree, they were all very helpful.

Making a list of people to contact is something you can start now - banks, private pension, investments etc.

Dad had a will, and I have POA for health and finance.

For the will, do I phone the solicitors who had it?

I'll phone the bank later to ask whether I still have to do face to face for the POA

Mail redirect seems straightforward, will get the form printed out

Have let dads sister know, and I guess I'd better do a thing for the local paper as dad was very well known locally

Theres plenty of money fortunatly, so thats not a problem, just that I can't access it currently on mums behalf

So sorry
For your mum keep it all v simple but pack her with a few everyday things like a cushion or an ornament that she will recognise.

See if you can order ‘snappy tags’ online for tagging her best things. Hold back sending anything special you don’t want to lose until you have tagged it.
Perhaps use your phone to take pictures / an inventory of what you send for now.
Buy large shower gel s if you can still get them -they go through it so quickly.
Send in a vase for fresh flowers or a potted plant to bring a little bit of sunshine into her room. We’ve been buying carnations that last two weeks. You don’t have to get it perfect right now. Just the basics.

You may also need to provide her with a TV and a touch light for her room. There will be a large tv in the day room so really is here can wait - we needed to find a scart cable on day 1 . Those are the sorts of things that trip you up but ask your neighbours and friends to rally round as they will want to support you and will be happy to help. Put chocolate and snacks in your hand bag as you will forget to eat.

Your DM is clearly infirm since she needs to go into care immediately. But is she actually not able to make rational decisions for herself? If she can, you may not be able to trigger her POAs.

In your situation it's sadly better if you are able to trigger the POAs, but very sad.

I am so sorry to hear that. I lurk but rarely post - my situation was very similar to yours and this week I wondered how your parents were getting on and whether they were still managing to get to the pub and if they could would they have your mother's usual lunch on her preferred plate. Funny how some comments on mumsnet really stick with you.

Such a difficult time for you to make the change for your mother - I hope that your choices are not too restricted and that you can get her settled closer to you and maybe even happy.

The paperwork is time consuming but manageable. I hope that you are not too caught up in new restrictions.

Look after yourself too.

Sorry for repeated posts. Another key thing is a list of your DM’s likes and dislikes. The care home will give you a very long All About Me type of form. You may not have the time or energy so I suggest you do a little audio recording as an interim idea ... mum likes tea not coffee, just with milk . She’s always cold so needs a cardigan even when everyone is in short sleeves. She likes a long lie and is last to bed. She is a bit deaf but responds well to a huge smile... that sort of thing. Take care.

Mum very much doesn't have capacity to make decisions, so sadly the POA is necessary.
Her carer has packed a bag, and assembled her toys to take as well - she has a 'breathing' cat and kitten she's very fond of. Nothing is tagged, but she doesn't have any particularly nice clothes these days which is something I'll work on now she'll be closer.
Social work have done miracles and found a home for her, which is nearer me than 'home', and staff from there are on their way to assess her and will then take her back if all is OK. I've also spoken to the home I want her to go to (5 min walk from me) and they have spaces and will call the interim home in a couple of days to assess if she is suitable. Fingers crossed.

@Superdiaperbaby I'm amazed you remember that! She's had the same meal for years, day in, day out for years now, inc christmas day, and a big upset of the last week was not being able to have her food. Must send a card to the pub, and their local Waitrose to say thank you for all they've done

Never forget it - I think you said your mother was previously very capable and it struck me at the time that it is such a cruel disease. You father sounds like he did amazingly keeping the show on the road and I hope your mother is not too anxious without his presence. Difficult times for you.
So pleased you have care arranged today - what a relief. Take care.

Oh CMOT I am so sorry for your loss. 🌺🌺🌺
All the other posters have given you brilliant advice. I too have followed your story for many years on theses boards.
Perhaps think about a memorial service for your dad in the future?
Look after yourself

TBH, dad wanted a very quiet funeral anyway so not much of an issue there.
Mum is in the interim care home, and went off very happily with the staff.

The coroner has decided that the GPs list of 'things that dad could have died from' is massively long enough, so I can pick up a certificate from the GP on Wednesday and the funeral directors will get him.

My brother collected all the visible paperwork, so I'll be trying to work that out and arrange to access the accounts using my POA tomorrow

Thanks for all the support - DH said the ladies of Elderly Parents would know what to do

So glad the move for your mum went well. Banks vary in how they handle poa- make sure you take plenty of Id for you. Sometimes they have experts who handle it. Lloyd’s were excellent- coop were awful for fil.
Good luck

Its Nationwide for their main account, but there are loads of different ones I think for added work. But the main account is the priority.

Have just looked up about registering a death - it has to be done within 5 days, but I can't pick up the medical cert till Wednesday and all the district registration offices are shut with the main one being open only by appointment. And I can't make an appointment until I have the medical cert.

I'm so sorry for your loss. It's hard to lose a parent at the best of times and this is not the best of times. Glad your mum is ok.

My mother in law died last week. My husband made an appointment with the registrar in advance of having the info from the doctor (I think he lied and said he already had it when they asked). He was really worried that something would go wrong and he wouldn't be able to collect the form from the doctor in time (we live 2.5 hours away so important to coordinate visits).

Fortunately it has all gone well so far. We went down on Monday, stopped off at the GP surgery and then went to the registrar and then to the undertaker. I can't believe that they wouldn't relax the 5 day rule if necessary, especially if things were delayed a bit because of the involvement of the coroner.

As far as banks etc are concerned, as others have said they all do it differently. When my parents died I went into the banks and dealt with it all face to face. My husband is doing everything online for his mother and he has been surprised how smoothly it has all gone. He had power of attorney and had already consolidated things so that there were only two institutions involved, which made life easier.

He hasn't able to get a certified copy of her will but in the circumstances people seem to be working round that. If your father's will is lodged with a solicitor that shouldn't be an issue for you, as long as you are the executor. A complication I remember when my father died is that I was one of several executors and the solicitor wouldn't give me the original or a certified copy without written agreement from the others. It want a problem but it held things up a bit.

On the funeral, my mother in law had wanted a service at her church followed by a cremation which she wanted no one to attend. We're having to adapt that and instead will be having a short cremation with only immediate family ( no more than 5 of us) and hope that we will be able to follow this with a thanksgiving service at her church in a few months time.

Someone mentioned the 'Tell us once' service. I found it very helpful but it still isn't available everywhere. I think Brighton might not have it, for example.

The funeral director will sort out a notice in the local paper for you. Obviously you will want to agree the wording with them.

Good luck. I know we all grieve in different ways, but I found having all the practical things to focus on really helpful.

Worth getting a local solicitor to do one or two certified copies of the will - I got it done at a pound a page, cash - some organizations want one and ofc when you've put in for probate you have to send off the original and you don't get it back.

I'd just book the appointment - you could always develop a dry cough if the med cert is delayed?

Progress made this morning:
Agreed with my brother that rather than having a cremation with just the two of us, we'd ask for an unattended cremation and then do something ourselves with scattering the ashes somewhere nice when we are able to. Informed the funeral directors and they have told the GP who will then see dad there to examine him before the med cert is issued.
Phoned the registrar who have made me an appointment for Monday and said it can always be moved, and the 5 day limit doesn't matter atm esp as the medical certificate hasn't been issued yet. They do 'Tell us Once' which is easier
Phoned their main bank to find out what to do as I have to both register dads death and get POA access at the same time. They were super helpful
Spoken to their careline who immediatly ceased the account, told me what to do with returning the unit etc
Spoke to their solicitors, dads will was thankfully super simple leaving it all to mum

In that case you can do the probate yourself. It will be much cheaper than using a solicitor, who sometimes take a % of the Estate.