Am I being mean?

[Tamalpais]

Really hoping for some impartial advice here if you don't mind reading.

Background: FIL developed dementia which grew (slowly) worse. MIL wasn't fully coping. Asked DH/me/the kids to move in to help. House was big enough for us all so we said yes, figuring it was temporary. To cut a long story short: FIL got A LOT worse, I became a part-time carer to someone who couldn't be left on his own. The rest of the time was spent looking after my young children and fitting in freelance work. Eventually we hired an actual carer because of double incontinence and severe mobility issues. FIL sadly passed away after about two years.

Now: Between MIL not wanting us to move and the kids being settled in school, we're still here with her. It isn't a dire situation by any means. We have almost entirely separate living areas, bathrooms, kitchens, due to the house setup. In lieu of rent, DH pays her bills, council tax, utilities, and for the bulk of food shopping. Just for the record, there are no cultural expectations. DH is white British and although I'm not from this country myself, I come from a place that's culturally similar.

The problem is, MIL's expectations of care have crept upward so that I am becoming resentful. I cook for her every night. I walk her dog once a day. Cleaning duties of communal areas are left entirely to me. She's run off two professional cleaners through abrasiveness so God knows what her personal quarters are like. This has been going on for the past three-ish years and it feels like having a horrible teenager around. She has her good moments from time to time but even my youngest child isn't all that keen to spend time with her because of MIL's prickly attitude.

Her dog is borderline child-aggressive and I utterly resent having to walk him. There is no garden here so he has to go out. DH had a hard conversation with her when FIL was terminally ill, telling her that she needed to either rehome the dog or take more responsibility. After throwing an almighty tantrum, she chose the latter but in actuality I do 50% of the animal's care. Now it's years down the line and he's getting to be elderly and it will be impossible to rehome him, not to mention he isn't trustworthy around children (my 8 year old knows what his triggers are FYI, and is never unsupervised with him).

Basically I have reached the end of my tether with MIL's increasing needs and the way she expects to retain a high standard of living without putting much effort or help in. I feel like she makes decisions rashly and then expects us to step in and handle the aftermath.

Am I being mean to just... back off? To stop walking the dog every night for her? I do worry sometimes that she's a bit frail. But the thing is, as soon as I step in and take over a responsibility, she assumes I'll keep doing so. Then I'll see her swanning off to meet a friend and think, why did I just help her when she clearly has the energy to do it herself?? Why am I left picking up the pieces? Several nights ago she spilled a drink on the carpet and didn't bother to even put a paper towel over it. This is not an isolated event - nor is it out of character for her since she did that kind of thing ten years ago. This is part physical (being elderly) and part just not giving a stuff.

We do have a potential solution in the works but I need to cope in the interim. Someone mentioned a rock method in one of the threads but I can't find it now.

I think I just need a bit of perspective on this - I don't want to be mean and I hate feeling like I have been. But I also feel like I just don't want talk to her these days because 80% of what she says are demands or complaints. I am becoming snippy with her which makes things uncomfortable for everyone, and is not great for my marriage either.

So this has turned into more of a rant than intended. I'll end here. Happy for anyone to say look, you ARE being a bit mean here, give your head a wobble. Just please, if you do, explain your reasoning so that I can try to shift my attitude and cope accordingly!

You are not being mean but your DH needs to address the issue with her.

Hire a dog walker....she can pay.

The cooking....well, are you cooking for your own family at the same time?

Grey rock?

You are living rent free (I know you’re paying utilities, food etc, but you would have to pay those anyway).

In return you are being asked to walk a dog once a day and look after communal areas. It sounds like you have a very cushy set up to me.

What's the expectation with the house after she dies, is it coming to you?

Engaging a dog walker is a very good, sensible.

Treat this as you would in business. Formulate a plan, present it to her, discuss/amend then move forward. She needs to feel she has a voice in this.

I kind of agree with Lostkey I have to say - you live rent free. Walking the dog once a day is hardly a lot in return. And much as you obviously don't like the dog, it's hardly his fault if his owner isn't taking the responsibility, so I would also agree about getting a dog walker for him and MIL can pay.

Poor dog. If you cant walk it and its aggressive your dh needs to tell her to make alternative arrangements. If youre cooking anyway then one extra portion doesnt matter. Can you afford to hire a cleaner once a week to do the communal areas. Its up to your dh to sort it out really.

The meal element, I think yabu. But would stipulate she eats as the whole family, joining you some nights sounds as though could build bridges. And if she doesn't like the meal on offer she needs to either provide her own/have a ready meal /have a takeaway.

The dog walking. I'd employ a dog walker and charge to mil.

How old is mil?

You've been well and truly stitched up here OP ☹️

Thanks for reading, everyone.

GREY ROCK -thank you, @user53976478853 I am going to look that up ASAP.

I do cook for my family at the same time, but MIL has certain things she won't eat, and I no longer look forward to speaking to my family around the table because she dominates every conversation. There again, I feel mean saying this, but it's come to the point where I just don't want to engage.

@Lostkeyagain - I appreciate your perspective. What I'm afraid this is going to turn into, though, is - "you're living there rent free, so you can add more cleaning to your repertoire. And then, you can take on full dog care. And as MIL gets frailer, you're going to be the one to wipe her bum for her. This on top of freelance work and caring for two children, one of whom has special needs."

So the solution surely for you, is to move out and let MIL sort herself out.

How would that work ? Can you buy ? Do you already have a house that's rented out.. plus you afford rent on top of the utilities that you already pay.

I understand that it's not all about money . This is your DH mother, so maybe He needs to go part time and YoU work full time. ?

What does your 'dream' scenario look like OP ? Is it affordable and realistic ?

She knows she's got you over a barrel because she owns the roof over your head and if you moved out and left her to it she would paint you as a cruel person and her the victim, you are cornered, it's head she wins, tails you lose
I wouldn't want to be in a situation where a batshit and unpleasant elderly person had that much leverage over me

@LizzieMacQueen Good idea about the business plan. No, the house will not come to us for a variety of reasons, including other siblings.

MIL is in her early 70s. I know it doesn't sound it, but I AM fond of her, she is a bright lady with a good heart and when she's on good form I enjoy spending time with her. I just struggle very much with cleaning up after her and dealing with her moods especially when she yells at my children.

Sounds like she could do with a new visitor or new interest. If she has enough money, could you find a dog walker who will both walk the dog with her and take it out some days separately. Or a different idea is find an evening dog walker - could be a student or two students who rotate? Older dog won’t need long walk.

It sounds like a solution is in the offing. How long until you move out? It sounds like a crappy situation to raise a family in.

I don’t think you are being mean and I think you need to either move out or reach some sort of financial arrangement with your MIL as although you are living rent free presumably it’s also you and your husband paying for the upkeep of the house and the MIl and as it stands his siblings will then benefit as much as you whilst taking very little if any of the burden .

@UYScuti Yes - you've hit the nail on the head exactly. The power imbalance is very tricky coupled with the expectation that we will handle her day to day affairs.

@Patchworkpatty - I didn't want to say too much up front, but she's going to remortgage (at our expense) and join one of her other children up north for a year. This probably ties us down even more, but at least we'll be living separately. Then we can figure it out when she wants to come back. I hope this isn't too much drip-feeding - that wasn't my intent. I'm a bit all over the place right now.

That sounds really difficult OP💐

If you are taking on a mortgage at your own expense, could you simply buy another house just for yourselves? Or will the mortgage be too small (iyswim) .. will you get the % that you are paying for ?

In the nicest possible way, there's no such thing as a free meal. It sucks but that's the way it is. I'd pay for a dog walker and hire a cleaner for whenever you know she's usually out.

So shes moving away for a year, time for you to decide what YOU want to do, not what she wants you to do. The house comes with conditions, for your own sanity wouldnt it just be easier to find your own place if you can. She shouldnt be shouting at your children but she thinks she holds all the cards, she maybe does but only if you let her. Is doggy moving out with her?

Sorry to hear about your problems.

Definitely agree with the dog walking suggestion. Also think you need to sit down with you Oh and explain how you're feeling and how much you are doing.
Her problems are only going to increase over time.

How about employing a carer/home help for her and making yourself unavailable so she realises the facts. Also have two or three nights a week when she has her meals on her own so you can enjoy some much needed family time.

Hopefully the situation will resolve when she leaves, but good luck

Hi OP I think it's very good of you to have stayed this long already it's sounds like a nightmare situation. Deffo agree with the dog walker. It's really tricky because if your financial situation means you can't move out then I suppose she's got you stuck in a corner and if you need to live there and can't move out then you're gaining more from being there than she is, I.e mortgage or rent vs walking a dog and cooking.
I suppose there's not much you can do about it unless you're prepared to leave as for as long she feels you need her more she needs you then she will milk it for all that it's worth. Even with her moving away for a year youre still in her house and she will probably have some other way of making it known that she is helping you out! Can you move out? If not I think you pretty much have to put up with it, it is her house after all. For what it's worth I think she's in the wrong here not you, but ultimately it's her house. She sounds quite capable so it's not like you're there just to support her (i could be wrong?) She's letting you live in her house, if she wont listen to your reasonable suggestions then you either put up with it or move out. I'd move out couldn't live with her she sounds very hard work.

I understand that this isn't what you want to hear, but like others I think this is the quid pro quo of living rent free.

I appreciate that the burden is falling on you rather than your DH - and that's something you need to raise with him - but if you want to continue living in her house I think you have to accept that these household duties are part of the package.

I think you need to think through very carefully doing anything that would tie you to this arrangement long term if you're unhappy with it. Saying "you'll figure it out when she comes back" wouldn't be good enough for me.

My SIL is finding herself in this position. She's 49 with one child..no DP....she's lived with her Dad (FIL) for the past 17 years, rent free.

Now he's older and unwell and demanding and grumpy and she's not able to cope.

MIL is having to move back in...she and FIL have been separated for 15 years....SIL is moving into MIL's house.

I feel for MIL....but DH helps all he can...and will continue to do so. I do think SIL is a bit of a cow not stepping up to look after her Dad when he's looked after her. She's never lived away or been independent and now he needs her she's shipping out.