Am I being mean?

[Tamalpais]

Really hoping for some impartial advice here if you don't mind reading.

Background: FIL developed dementia which grew (slowly) worse. MIL wasn't fully coping. Asked DH/me/the kids to move in to help. House was big enough for us all so we said yes, figuring it was temporary. To cut a long story short: FIL got A LOT worse, I became a part-time carer to someone who couldn't be left on his own. The rest of the time was spent looking after my young children and fitting in freelance work. Eventually we hired an actual carer because of double incontinence and severe mobility issues. FIL sadly passed away after about two years.

Now: Between MIL not wanting us to move and the kids being settled in school, we're still here with her. It isn't a dire situation by any means. We have almost entirely separate living areas, bathrooms, kitchens, due to the house setup. In lieu of rent, DH pays her bills, council tax, utilities, and for the bulk of food shopping. Just for the record, there are no cultural expectations. DH is white British and although I'm not from this country myself, I come from a place that's culturally similar.

The problem is, MIL's expectations of care have crept upward so that I am becoming resentful. I cook for her every night. I walk her dog once a day. Cleaning duties of communal areas are left entirely to me. She's run off two professional cleaners through abrasiveness so God knows what her personal quarters are like. This has been going on for the past three-ish years and it feels like having a horrible teenager around. She has her good moments from time to time but even my youngest child isn't all that keen to spend time with her because of MIL's prickly attitude.

Her dog is borderline child-aggressive and I utterly resent having to walk him. There is no garden here so he has to go out. DH had a hard conversation with her when FIL was terminally ill, telling her that she needed to either rehome the dog or take more responsibility. After throwing an almighty tantrum, she chose the latter but in actuality I do 50% of the animal's care. Now it's years down the line and he's getting to be elderly and it will be impossible to rehome him, not to mention he isn't trustworthy around children (my 8 year old knows what his triggers are FYI, and is never unsupervised with him).

Basically I have reached the end of my tether with MIL's increasing needs and the way she expects to retain a high standard of living without putting much effort or help in. I feel like she makes decisions rashly and then expects us to step in and handle the aftermath.

Am I being mean to just... back off? To stop walking the dog every night for her? I do worry sometimes that she's a bit frail. But the thing is, as soon as I step in and take over a responsibility, she assumes I'll keep doing so. Then I'll see her swanning off to meet a friend and think, why did I just help her when she clearly has the energy to do it herself?? Why am I left picking up the pieces? Several nights ago she spilled a drink on the carpet and didn't bother to even put a paper towel over it. This is not an isolated event - nor is it out of character for her since she did that kind of thing ten years ago. This is part physical (being elderly) and part just not giving a stuff.

We do have a potential solution in the works but I need to cope in the interim. Someone mentioned a rock method in one of the threads but I can't find it now.

I think I just need a bit of perspective on this - I don't want to be mean and I hate feeling like I have been. But I also feel like I just don't want talk to her these days because 80% of what she says are demands or complaints. I am becoming snippy with her which makes things uncomfortable for everyone, and is not great for my marriage either.

So this has turned into more of a rant than intended. I'll end here. Happy for anyone to say look, you ARE being a bit mean here, give your head a wobble. Just please, if you do, explain your reasoning so that I can try to shift my attitude and cope accordingly!

Thanks everyone, it's good to get perspective from all sides. I know there are aspects of this situation that greatly benefit us. I don't want to be a diva or sound entitled. I also don't want to be taken advantage of. In a weird way it was more straightforward with FIL because he was genuinely in need of full care and you knew where you stood with him.

Having written it down, I think the main thing I struggle with is the power dynamic, and MIL's general volitility. I am usually decent at deflection/letting it roll off me, but lately I've been struggling because she just seems to be more mean-spirited. Even my youngest no longer wants to hang out with her, and DH is weary as well. She's always been somewhat prone to this volitility, but it's like age makes her less able/willing to hide it. She's even angered neighbours by being critical of a nice community event they were running.

I don't mean to give offense, but I think it's better I don't go into the specific moving plans on a public forum. I'm hoping that it goes smoothly and I actually floated the idea of a carer with DH, but we both agree it's a difficult topic to broach because MIL will bite our heads off. Maybe if we posit it as a "housekeeper"... since she's taking her animals along. But I think at this point it might be best coming from the family members who she will be living near. I think my best strategy is to grey rock it until moving day.

Can I just say that it can be tough to be part of the sandwich generation?

You're living with a lady that you say you like; but the household division of chores is causing you to resent her. No, you're not being mean in stepping back. Cleaner and dog walker are the obvious things, but i can see cleaner will be difficult to make work. Yes, you're living rent-free - but presumably in a bigger house than you'd otherwise need, so I imagine utilities are larger than you'd pay otherwise, so it's not quite as simple as "you're living rent free so of course you should do all these extra jobs"

She's live with her dad for the past 17 years rent free
And now it's payback time... the old man wants his pound of flesh 😱

I didn't read your post properly Billhaderswife...sister-in-law is actually wriggling free at the 11th hour 😯 well played but very underhand 😳

Yep! She's outta there! SO hard hearted. I know it's easy for me to say that...after all, I'm not there looking after him...but I couldn't do it! If I'd lived there all that time...just to ditch him in his hour of need? No. It seems wrong.

It does seem wrong Bill
I wonder if she is a person who is made it clear from her actions that she always looks after number one?
She's the winner there isn't she, she had a free lunch and someone else picked up the bill, I'm not excusing her behaviour but...more fool them for letting her do it?

Firstly you’ve done a huge thing in looking after your FIL, Dementia is very difficult to deal with (I care full time for my MIL who has Alzheimer’s) and he’s now passed.

You’ve continued to live with MIL and her expectations or lack of taking responsibility has grown increasingly and filled the space your FIL has left. I absolutely understand how you might find this difficult because your being given all these adult responsibilities (that she says or pretends or doesn’t want to manage herself) and then treats you like a child by dominating other areas of family life. No wonder you feel a bit resentful because regardless of the living situation and who pays for what, you moved in with her to help her out with your FIL and now he has passed you continue stay to help MIL out. I don’t doubt for a second that you would rather have your own house and be under your own roof despite any rent free or financial gain you might make living with MIL. The fact is, the reason why you live there is for her, NOT for you! So you feel like your doing her the massive favour of living with her and also many other smaller favours which you don’t feel are discussed, or appreciated and you don’t feel that you are treated as appreciatively as you would be if the shoe was on the other foot, and in fact you feel like your MIL is sometimes purposely difficult or dominating in return. Does that sound about right?

You are sacrificing a lot in this situation, your free time, time with your children, time doing your work, and the advantages of freedom living under your very own roof brings. Whilst other people may think you get the benefit of living rent free (which actually you don’t as you contribute to the household financially and in other ways) what your actually sacrificing far outweighs any benefit you receive in return.

I feel it necessary to also point out that if your MIL is planning to remortgage she would likely not be successful due to her age. I say this because previously having been through this situation with my own MIL anything that was mortgage or loan related was not possible simply because of her age (similar age to your MIL) and the only option available was equity release which we didn’t do.

I think that perhaps the way forward is to gently but firmly air your issues with MIL. It might be time that you asserted a little of your own authority and she might just respect it and be less willing to walk over you. Your DH could talk to her of course, but actually I feel that if it comes from you she is less likely to sneak things under the table as it were because you had the conversation with her directly. I’d say something along the lines of the following:

MIL I’ve been more than happy to be here to support you when FIL was here and needed care, and I’ve been happy to stay now he has passed to do what I can to help you. The thing is I think we need to discuss a more formal arrangement of tasks and things you would like help with and the things you would like to manage on your own. I feel that it’s necessary because the children are needing more of my time and attention and my work is in need of the same and I would like and need to manage things better. So shall we sit down with a cuppa and organise a plan that we can both stick to?

The above is only a suggestion obviously you know your MIL best and perhaps the above is not the kind of solution that would work for you or one that your MIL would appreciate or indeed stick to. Mostly I wanted to post to say that I get it, as living with my MIL and caring for her whilst also caring for my 3 children is difficult on many levels but the main thing it changes is the family dynamics and that is constant. I understand the sacrifice you are making and it’s a big one and it can hurt to feel like that is not appreciated. You are NOT being mean, you’ve been quiet the opposite actually.

@Lillygolightly Thank you! You are right on the money.

It's hard to manage because it's such a reciprocal agreement. I think some lines have become fuzzy and certainly the power dynamic doesn't help. The bottom line is that all sides would have been worse off if we hadn't moved in. I think I was all right up until MIL suggested we think about getting another dog someday, and then I thought, hang on, by my shouldering her responsibilities, maybe I'm enabling her too much. That's when I started feeling resentful.

I just want to say a big thank you to everyone here. It was good to get perspective AND support, because ultimately seeing it from both points of view benefits me and gives me a clearer head. I'll have a chat with DH.